Feb 18, 2005
Is it supposed to feel like a boulder in your stomach? This is so f*cking confusing. Maybe she's just crazy and I should get out now, go, scram. But maybe I'm just controlling and jealous. F*ck! Why do I hate her and love her? How can I? It makes no sense.
Maybe love is like wine, you have a sip, you get a little warm, and soon you want more. You know it can only end one way, but you don't want it to, not quite yet, so you keep drinking. You're pretty deep now, and you're starting to forget who you are, and you're pretty unsure what to do, you're just trying to ignore the growing pain in your gut.
"More?" you ask yourself. "That's probably a really bad idea," you say. "Wait it out."
"No! More!" Glug, glug, ahh, but the buzz is shorter and the pain is certain and ever-present. "What do I do? - You got yourself into this mess, now get me out!"
The pain is too much to bear now. You are afraid it will never pass. Panic. "Drink! Drink now, fast!" - There is none left.
"Beg! Oh God, just beg, f*ck pride, beg!" You cash in your pride for more and chug it down. You wipe your lips and they taste like blood. And you're spilling on your lap now and from your eyes so you catch every precious drop on your tongue but that only makes you spill more. You're a big sopping pathetic mess. Your stomach is in knots. You're wringing your hair. You're selling your body. You're shaking and blind and burning. You're an acid headache, a shredded heart, a dumb, dumb drunk. You need sleep but the room is spinning and thumping you in the stomach with every revolution.
"But wait!"
The room stops and stares. "Am I causing all this?" The doorknob grins at you. You're still in pain, but you furrow your brow, lips trembling. "Do I just need to... let.. - (Bleahhhrgh! Glahggh!)" You throw up all over the room. The excrement shines up at you from the seasick floor. You see lies and secrets and fear, swimming miserably in a puddle of doubt.
"You mean, I can just, let that go? Just like that? But what about my stomach? It still hurts."
The room is silent and steady.
"It's empty, isn't it?" No, you realize. It's not empty. It's just thirsty...
