friendship after breakup

I broke up with my ex about a year ago, although we only dated for 5 months, it was a pretty intense relationship. After the breakup, we promised to be friend with each other, however, we rarely talked to each other. Anyways, I just recently started dating someone else and feel like I am ready to move on. I emailed my ex a few days ago asking if she still wants to be friend. Her reply was rather suprising. She said
"I'm glad you've moved on and I'm happy that you have found someone. Thanks for wanting to be friends with me, but I think that it will be too difficult for me to be friends with you. We only knew each other as bf/gf and were never friends first. And now that we've broken up, I can't think of you of anything other than my ex. I'm so happy that you're dating someone nice and hopefully she'll be a better girlfriend to you than I was. "

I really wish I could be friend with my ex but I do respect her decision. However I am really confused by what she said, and don't understand why she wouldn't be friend with me. Does she hate me? or she is not over me yet?

Thanks for your advices.

Bluekey----"but I think that it will be too difficult for me to be friends with you"

She doesn't want to be friends because maybe:
*She still may have some feelings for you
*She doesn't want to dig up the past
*You've moved on, and you've told her that. Girls don't like to hear that. Matter of pride.

I don't see the need to befriend Ex Gf's...

It's really not a good idea to befriend ex's anyway.

She doesn't hate you, she is doing the right thing by letting you go completely, by cutting off all ties with an ex you also lose that baggage. She is doing what is best for the both of you.

I think what she did was right. She is probably over you, I don't think that is the reason why she said those things. If you haven't had that much to do with eachother before she probably doesn't see any reason for the two of you to start with it now, a year after you broke up.
By the way: Being friends with an ex is never a good idea when you have a new girl in your life, it will cause nothing but trouble for the both of you. Most girls doesn't gladly accept that their b/f is still friends with his ex.

my boyfriend did the same thing when we broke up a few days ago...and i find that i'm better off without being friends with him...otherwise i'd be sitting by the phone waiting for him to call or msg me...now i dont have to worry about it and i can move on...i really dont think you should worry...shes right, if you weren't friends before you started dating...why start now?

I wasnt friends with my ex b4 but i feel like its such a shame not to be at least friends, dunno if it would be a good idea tho, i wouldnt wanna know if she was now with someone else. Maybe im best completely forgetting mine as well.....

Jay, perhaps someday you can be friends with her but she probably still has feelings for you since she got dumped. Give it time. She needs to cope with you having a new girl in your life and her pride is probably in the crapper right now. Instead, check back with her from time to time maybe by e-mail. Let her know that you hope she is ok and leave it at that. Perhaps you will get a response, perhpas not. It's out of your hands to force the friendship. I find that the one thing people do not do in life is communicate. You can let her know you still want a friendship with her down the road after she is comfortable with the situation...good luck

firends with ex's is gay. period.

I have to respond to this because this EXACT thing happened to me... pretty much anyway...

I dont know how many of you saw my post about my "situation" under the Dating topics...

Anyway my ex Chris and I were "friends" until I met Josh... then I told Chris about Josh and that I was happy and etc... Chris says hes so happy i found someone and so glad im happy finally....

well... chris found out that i spent the night at this guys house and flips out...

just make sure your ex doesnt find out about the spend the nights... i dont know why it made chris so mad... i guess because it was making it official (?) but... i dunno... it flipped him out lol.

IMO- i am beginning to realize that friendships after breaks ups are difficult they give hope especially when the other person is totally in love with you. It only makes it harder on them. I feel that it is possible but it all depends on time it takes to heal and the dept of those feelings

I prolly lost my chance of getting back with my g/f after splitting up 12 mts ago,(7 yrs together) we have remained very very close since, intimate even,phoned each other every morning and night and in between for the last 12 mts, she never got a chance to miss me.

she did admit to me some time ago that i had chased her away by pleading crying begging , basicallly being a total pain for the first few weeks, and if i had left her alone we would prolly be together, the worse thing of all is that 12 mts after being so close she has found someone else. guess there is a moral there somewhere

at the end of the day it boils down to what she wants to do, if she wants to come back in the future its her decision and hers alone, that said i was happy being her special friend but it hurts to see her with another, she still wants my friendship, what will be will be,

take care
ger

The moral is: when things are over, they're over for a reason. If two people were meant to be together - they will end up together. But if you had broken up, and see no future together - then really, there is no point in staying in touch, and being intimate. It just keeps you from moving on, and finding your next love. I myself was in a situation just like that. We were together for a year, and then, FOR 3 MORE YEARS we stayed in touch (weekends together, and offcourse we were intimate). I realized I was thinking about him so much, when we weren’t actually together!!! I couldn't move on with my life. The one thing that changed my life and made me realize I was caught up in an obsessive relationship (that I couldn't let go of) was a book I accidentally stumbled into. That book had such an enormous affect on me, that right after I finished reading it, I realized I needed to go to therapy to solve my problem. I went to therapy to put an end to it, and now I know that holding on to a relationship that's over was a mistake. I know, it's very easy to say it, but once you're caught up emotionally in a relationship - it's very difficult. I recommend this book to everyone. It's called - "Obsessive Love". [url]http://www.fetchbook.info/fwd_description/search_0553296744.html[/url]
If you or anyone you know is in a relationship of that kind, when you feel you can't let go, even once it's over - this is the book for you. It made me see that I have a problem. Until reading this book, I was a firm believer that we will get back together no matter what (which offcourse never happened).
Sometimes it's best to learn from the experience of another. Learn from me.

thank u for ur reply
the reason we split was that we lived 100 miles away and for personal reasons i could not go see her, (there were other factors that were not of our doing, the breakup was not because of any problems between us) she had to come to me, after the break up we met regular and she often said that she would never find anyone as good as me and i believe her on that, while we were"split" she saw no one else only me that im sure of, we even made love less than a month ago

she also said she could see herself still with me in a few years time, maybe the new guy (of 2 weeks) will change that feeling, or she may realise what she had in me, either way i made myself too accessible to her, still one does not travel 100 miles just to use someone i think, still cant get closure yet, even got a goodnight text the other night which included "X<-- one kiss goodnight"

i know she is confused and has some mental torment from a young age, a dirty uncle

ah well whats a guy to do

Friends after a relationship, any decent one at that...will seldom work..trust me on that. Between awkardness/lfet over feelings...it's just damn near impossible to be friends.

I'm not saying it can't happen, because there are instances where it does, but it takes a lot of work, time, effort..and sometimes all for not.

Ger... you werent friends. hehe you were still together. If you were sleeping together, kissing, hugging, talking... isnt that a relationship? :)
That reminds me totally of Chris and I only I got tired of him not committing and found someone who will :)

thanks for ur replies., lady doing anything for the rest of your life ? :)

i dont think we were together to be honest, we were very special friends, after she "dumpted" me her sister told me that she was crying for ages aftrwards, even on the phone to me she cried often, course i was bawling too :) she said the spark had gone 12 mts ago and we were not a couple anymore, maybe during the last 12 mts she was trying to get the spark back but the cow never told me that :), yeah the intimacy was unusual after the split up. she was the one who wanted the love making, like u dont go 100 miles lookin for a jump do u :), i still cant figure her out after 7 yrs arghhh, even while she is with this #rick :) she still txts to ask am i ok and that she is always there for me zzzz. like what the uck is going on in her brain, she needs a kick up the butt or a while in a padded room :) anyways got text today phone u soon zzzz, spose me being a softy will continue being her "friend", we were to go away for a week end of june, think that may be cancelled by her now, must say it to her, the reply should be interesting :)

talk to u guys later
take care stay safe
ger

hehe not friends... not friends sweetie call it whatever you want... its anything but friends.
I dont know about you, but i dont sleep with my friends, or tell them i miss them or cry to them on the phone :)

i gave into her advances cause i love her (she used to say just cause we make out dont mean we are back together), why did she get this new guy ?,seems she has moved on ?

i always treated her like a princess, she has said in the past i was too good for her zz, after our split 12 mts ago i told her i could not be her friend and said goodbye , 5 mins later got a txt from her "goodbye ger i will always love you". so ater a week i caved in and said yep ill be ur best friend which i still am, geez where are those paracetamol feel a headache coming on :)

later
take care

maybe i should go up to her and drag her kicking and screaming, away from this guy :)

or!! get a wee woman for myself, might just put manners on her, hmmm not a bad idea, lady, one way ticket (cause u aint going back :) ) to the emerald isle on the way to u tommorow :)

geez am i spose to be depressed or somethin !! maybe its cause i reckon she will come back when she sees the grass aint greener

Ya I think youre not depressed yet because shes not really gone. Shes into you, and maybe this other guy is her way of trying to let go. I dunno I really dont know what to say about this one. If I'm into a guy I dont date other people though.

i just send her a txt saying i should go up and drag my woman back into my life, got a txt back "phone u later tonight"

i f uicked up big time i texed her back said i knew she would come back to me when she was ready, went out and got boozed apologised in a txt tried to phone her she cut me off, i am a fool who is too sensitive for his own good, why cant i be strong like other guya and not give a *uck, why cant i be strong :(

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ger_ireland

i f uicked up big time i texed her back said i knew she would come back to me when she was ready, went out and got boozed apologised in a txt tried to phone her she cut me off, i am a fool who is too sensitive for his own good, why cant i be strong like other guya and not give a *uck, why cant i be strong :(

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Ger,
I really understand you, and you have to be strong!!! I gotta tell you, as a woman, once we know we're being chased - we run away!!! Believe me, in the long run - it'll be good for you. Stop calling her, stop sending messages to her, so she will ask herself: "Hmmm, Haven’t heard from Ger in a while...I wonder what happened, has he gotten over me? OMG!!!" That's right!! Let her know she is NOT in control of your life, you are!!! You have to gain control back in your life, cause no one will do it for you. Check out that book I recommended you. I wrote that for a reason. It helped me, and I know it can help you too. It'll simply help you realize you're caught up in something that is not so easy to get out of. I truly hope you'll succeed.
Now, about the 100 mile thing....If I understood correctly, you are saying a girl won't go 100 miles just to sleep with you....well, I've got news for you - when I was in that same relationship I wrote about earlier, we used to live together for a year, and then I moved away from him (after we broke up) 100 miles. What do you think I did the coming 3 years? I spent every weekend flying back to him, spending it with him. 3 YEARS! The thing is, you think your ex does it, just so you can sleep together, but the real thing is, women get much more from sex, than men do. It's no secret. And especially if you were a couple. Do you know how much intimacy does she get just from being with you? That's all she needs, believe me. And yes, she will go 100 miles to be with you, because it makes her feel loved and wanted all over again, and she misses that. Believe me!
In my opinion - it's not good for you, or her. You really have to move on with your life. Find someone else, you're young! Trust me, there will be someone else.
Anything else you need - let me know.
Good Luck,
Maya.

thank u maya for taking the time to reply and i appreciate ur kind and sincere words

as i said earlier i got boozed lastnight, and send her a final text saying

" **** why cant i be strong like other guys and not care, why oh why do i hurt u so much, why cant i let u go and be happy with who u are with, all i ever wanted to do was make u happy and i failed you, i am a loser who does not deserve u, for ur own sake and mine please do not contact me again, u will never hear from me again because all i do is fuick up ur life xxx"

SHOULD I APOLOGISE TO HER FOR SENDING THAT DRUNKEN TEXT ?

i know she cares deeply for me still but while we are in contact i cant get over her, she wants me in her life as her best friend, and she can see a future with me someday

there is another story, the root of the problem why she bailed out 12 mts ago is my dad, they never got on and she felt that he was eying up her and maybe he said things to her while i was not around,(she was sexually abused as a child) she got to the stage where she could not live in the same house as him, my dad is not well and i cant leave him, i think her intention is when my dad passes away we will be together again, hence why she comes to meet me so often and wants me in her life,

she said in january she can see herself still with me in a few years time, maybe she is lonely thats why she picked up this guy ?, deep down i know she still loves me but suppresses these feelings for me,

so after sending that txt lastnight i hope i can be strong enough to carry it tru, maybe she will miss and need me after some time and try and contact me, if not so be it,

she is under major pressure with exams and projects at the moment and me texting her and trying to phone her when i am drunk is doing her head in, so god please give me the strength to stop annoying her anymore

our "relationship" ? is complicated as there is a great bond between us even to this day, it is not a normal dumping situation there is a lot of confusion on her side, there is too much feelings and affection between us, i want her in my life but i have to let go, we always said we would always be there for each other, now im letting her down by not being there for her anymore :(
thanks
ger

update arghhhh
well, she had a big exam last friday, so i texed her best of luck friday morning, she replied, thanks ger, i will phone u later to tell u how i done

so she phones blah blah i think i done ok, talk soon, so i said a*** do u see a future with me ?, she thought for a few secs, said i dont "think" so ger, so i said fair enough thats closure enough for me, that said i know she has deep feelings still for me and wants me to be her closest friend

this is day 3 of no contact arghhhh, its the phone calls and txts every day that i miss the most, im sure she misses me not being there for her, but she can supress her feelings for me with this new guy

i know she will not contact me as she does not want to hurt me and wants me to heal

her birthday is a month away, should i send her a b card then or not ?, it would be a way to break the ice and see about the friends thing, even though she has broke my heart i still love her so much, and if i cant have her love, i will settle for her friendship

i will try and do the nc till her birthday but its going to be very hard, i have another female friend that i have confided in, and we chat every day about things, she even txts goodnight, without her support i would be lost

i may be wrong but i think deep in her heart that she can see us togther one day, but does not want/cant till i get other probs in my life sorted, i know i should not be thinking this way, and should accept that its over finito,

we have been through a lot together, i always treated her like a princess, was always there for her tru her ups and downs which she has often thanked me for

now i have to lose my deep love for her, why do i have to loose what everyone gives there life looking for, hard to accept that i have to let my deep love die before i can be in her life again, god the mental torture

sorry for the rant
take care
ger

update
after 4 days no contact she phoned me this morning at 8am!!, said she wanted to see how i was and wish me a nice day

can any woman here shed light on why she would phone me after giving me closure 4 days ago ?

she knows im trying to fall out of love and heal, why did she phone out of the blue ?

take care
ger

Well I think friendship after a breakup can only be successful if both sides are totally over their feelings and over the 'unforgiveness' bits of the relationship. And yes attempting to be friends...stops you from moving on as well. YOu need a time...

It's so hard, really. I do not think it's impossible to be friends after a break-up...but as far as i've seen it can be painfull. I dont think those feelings can ever go away. It's a little sad. I wish it was not that way! ~XxX~ Choi Yi.

i have two different oppinion on friends with the ex.... i have one ex, who i was with for about 19mths and when it broke up he was an amazing person and still managed to be my friend afterwards - even tho ive found out now it caused him massive amounts of pain... we have never been the best of friends since we broke up and its now been 2 and a half years since we spilt and we are still not the greatest... tho we do talk and he actually even helps me with current relationship dramas... but it was very touch and go there for a while....

the second oppinion comes from my current ex who i was with for 2 years and who broke up with me 4 weeks ago and expectes me to be able to immediatly move into a friendship - which i cant do... as long as both people haev moved on i think its possible to be friends with an ex - tho this may take years... but if one person still has feelings for the other it will never work until they have delt with it

all this stuff is pretty relevant to my situation, two people who have split a few times( always on her terms while she finds herself again) but always end up back together. i cannot help go into panick mode when she says she needs time to think about stuff. if i say stuff i think she wants to hear she says she knows what i mean but this prolongs the time in limbo, if i play it cool she suddenly realises how much she cant be apart from me. now its happened again but this time it seems different, more determined for it to stop. shall i just play it cool again and hope for the best? i know she has feelings for me like i do her but u cannot force it outa someone i guess?

MY opinion is that you cant be friends with your ex. Especially with the depth of emotion I pour out into every relationship. The memories will remain with me forever, a chunk of my heart and soul damaged. YOu can always heal, but anything to remind you of it will make your mind and body travel to that damage, and it will make you feel pain again.

I tried, and after 1 year, my ex started talking about her new BF and that he was moving in with her. That was when I knew I couldnt be friends anymore. I dont know what the motive was. If she got comfortable telling me about it because I was showing her I was willing to be friends, or if its she wants to test me, or piss me off the max, or if she thought nothing of the relationship and that allowed her to talk freely about it. It may even be an indicator that its not going w ell and wants me to steal her away. Regardless, I sure as hell doent want to be told she gets engaged or married.

you want to heal? then you cant be friends with your ex!!! because it simply dosent work