need some direction in complex long distance

Hi! I'm new here. Gona try to be quick and to the point.
I'm 29 years old divorced for over 3 years. I knew my marriage was over long before I left but stayed for the kids....bad idea....anyway 2 years after divorce I met a Guy I went to.high school with. With no intentions to persue a relationship we both ended up in love :) I've never been happier. He lives 3 hours away, comes every weekend and has since we met. Its been 15 months and as a woman I'm.nervous as to where its going. I've 3 kids and don't want to move too fast but I can see a future with him. Now he has 2 roommates, wants to buy his own house sometime after February. He seems to know what he is.getting into but at times I'm not so sure, only because hes never had kids. He is very good with them and in our small talks about us seems to be understanding about putting them first. With the distance between us it makes it hard to test the waters as we only spend wknds together. I talked to him yesterday about our future and he basically said he loves me more than anything but will eventually have to decide what to do. It will end one of two wys and that we can't do this forever. I agree, but now I feel anxious and afraid he.doesn't know what he is doing. I don't know what to do from.here other than juster it take its course

I doubt he'll marry you. Sounds like when you brought up the future he kept it vague, and it wasn't even a positive vague, which is never good. I say you just enjoy your time with him but remain open to other men. Preferably men who are closer than 3 hours away.

What bothers me about it is that was a serious conversation, one of the first...but while we are just hanging out he throws things out there that give me mixed signals. I feel like enjoying it for what it is is dangerous because I'm scared to be anymore invested in a dead end relationship. I love him so bad its really insane so I don't want to loose him either. I feel like we are sorta on the same page....should I just keep doing it or possibly take a little break for no apparent reason

Just talk to him and tell him exactly what you have said here. You have to tell him what you want, so he can give you a more straight forward response. Do you want to stay with him and possibly get married one day? Do you want to live with him? Tell him what you want and he will either stick around or not.

I didn't really tell him what I wanted. What brought it up is that he is always buying me things. I didn't take a lot from my divorce...he's bought my kids a nice TV bought us a Xmas tree lol always buying stuff for the kids...it's like we are married on the wknds...he wants to buy me a bigger bed, so I just said I didn't like him doing all that because I don't know where we are going what's going to hap pen next and that I'm scared to get hurt if it doesn't work out. I'd move in with him and right now I see marriage in the future. I'm very shy anddont want to make him feel pressure from me. I feel like me telling him what I want will make him feel cornered. I want it to work but when he is ready...him making big purchases like that make me feel like he is...it's so.confusing

I understand how you are feeling, never in this exact situation before, but I do have a child and I am not married to my BF/child's father. I have also been too scared to speak up for what I wanted in the past, for fear of losing what I already 'had'. But that's just it, you don't really have anything with this person if you are afraid to be totally honest and open with them. You can talk to him in a mature and calm way. He won't feel cornered as long as you are short, direct and watch your language as to not give any ultimatums. The confusion you feel will show in your actions and only put more strain on your relationship and eventually push you two apart.

In the last few months its been heavy on my mind. We never thought it would really be anything more than some drinks and hanging out. It is making me really think on everything he says, we txt constantly all day during the week and I don't want to bring it up that way. I want him to know what I want so that we.can at least work towards the same goal.

Yeah, he has to know. I'm sure he isn't stupid and knows you will inevitably want more, for your sake and your kids. He might be freaked out a little. Relationships are scary enough and when you throw being father to children that are not your into the mix...it gets pretty heavy. But, it can also be an amazing thing and maybe he will man up and be with you and your kids for the long run. Just talk to him next weekend...in person. Don't make the conversation into some huge deal. Be calm and confident and let him know you naturally want to progress into the next stages of your relationship. Ask him if he is willing to stick with you knowing that you will want to live in together and possibly get married again someday. If this really is what you want.

I feel like if he wasn't wanting to try to stick with it then he'd have left long ago. I'd feel better knowing he knows how I feel even if it doesn't work that way I don't have to look back and regret not telling him.

1. Talk to him and tell him. It'll be far more useful than telling us.
2. Getting on great at the weekends is not the same as getting on great all the time.
3. He might have trouble coping with being with the kids all the time. With my last GF I found it very very hard and I have kids myself.

Your # 2 is very legit...and because of the distance makes it hard to test those waters. I hear ya on that, they're my own kids, I know how it is. For him not even having any could prove very difficult. I feel like that'sa lot of what's keeping us distant. By that I just mean its too much too soon to try and come to any conclusion there. I'm going to tell him how I feel. I think if I tell him ill feel OK, I think maybe just telling him is all I can do. He can think on it with no pressure to make any plans anytime very soon. Id like to know when he'd want to decide what we are.going to do soon though...the weekends are great and I love that, I'm just scared is all I don't want that to go away because my 'need to know' he told me he is better at acting rather than talking and that we will do what we need to when the time comes...

why do people call those things a long distance relationship?

what relationshon do u have being far away most of the time?

u cant relate notting to each other u cant talk and see each others body language etc.

so u can barely say that u know him. and u dont know how he is when he is angry etc.

one thing i like about your post is that u are one of the few person i
see on this forum that is worry about her kids first and their safety.
most people come here only to talk about themselves and how to get the dude as soon as possible
in their bed.

so i think its difficult for u to jump in something like that.
maybe u have to go and stay long vacations different times a years in his city and experience him and his environment and family and friends etc.
and have a lot of conversations with him about kids and his childhood(is also a very important topic )

even thou i think if u guys are serious, why cant he come living in your country so u guys can get to know each other better.
and if things work out u can marry and live together.

for shore u have to be care full cause at the end the kids suffer the most.your divorce has been already a huge hurt for them. so u dont want to put them in one more of that. their home need to be the safest place on earth. so
u cant bring a new me every time and a men that ends up being a abuser or child molester or
bad for your kids in any kind of way.

u need to go hard on him to get to know hi and his intentions with u.
and dont only worry about him and your kids. but first worry with how you kids see him and if they like him
to be around them, before u let him in your house.

cause your priority is your kids at all time.
and if u feel like its not okay or u have nervous all the time about it , it may be a sign not to do it.

and with time little by little u introduce your kids to him.
and if it go well u let them more around him and see how it go's

and always be around them dont leave them alone with him.
till u get the right feed back from your kids and u see and feel its alright

dont do this in a short time so u can have him . but take your time all the time your kids and u need.
talk to your kids, let them know that they can come to u about anything and they are your first priority.
so its not about only him needs to like kids and the kids , but its about your kids and you agreed to alow him into your lifes.

as more u have the conversations let him know the less fun part that can be when u have kids, like it will not be all day silence in the house. etc. just be true, and pray about it.

I dated him in hs many years ago :) he's not a total total stranger....after 5 months dating he met my kids and has seen them on a regular basis. I'd love to spend a good chunk of time with him but he is pretty busy Guy and I as well with full schedules. Being far apart and not seeing each other every day has drawbacks but also helps moderate us. We love and adore our time together and when aprart rarely let an hour go by without at least a txt. My little ones very much like him, and he's gotten attached to them as well. Its only been 15 months but the way we've evolved thus far is pretty awesome

dont be naive is all i can say

Well I talked to him! I feel so much better. It was so hard for me to tell him the things I wanted him to know. A little part of me didn't want to let go of my fear of being completely vulnerable to someone. I know I already was, as he truly holds my heart. For some reason I felt I'd be at a total disadvantage sharing that with him. I felt like it wasn't fair he knew all that, and for a while I wouldn't know how he really felt all jokes and silliness aside. He replied exactally as I'd hoped so now we just have to discuss details, and plan around my kiddos schedule hopefully get going :) thank you all for the advice and direction.

So which one of you is moving?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by fecalfeliac [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What bothers me about it is that was a serious conversation, one of the first...but while we are just hanging out he throws things out there that give me mixed signals. I feel like enjoying it for what it is is dangerous because I'm scared to be anymore invested in a dead end relationship. I love him so bad its really insane so I don't want to loose him either. I feel like we are sorta on the same page....should I just keep doing it or possibly take a little break for no apparent reason

---

You are a single mom with 3 kids...you have to date differently because your kids have to come first. Your expectations have to be firm and up front before you invest in a relationship...in this case you didn't and this is what you are stuck with. He loves you, but it's only been a little over a year.....to have to say yes to a future is too daunting. He is trying real hard to work it out, so the only thing you can do it set a time like give it another 6 months to see where you are at, and then do a reality check.

Yes I agree it is early yet to make any moves. He wont be out of his current lease until after February and is planning to have bought a house by June. I think that's a logical timeline for us to reevaluate things. As of now we do both want things to progress. Vincenzo most definitely it will be the kids and I. Another reason for complications. He has the good Job and will be buying the home so we will come to him.

I talked to him about it all this past wknd..but before I did I sent him an email telling him that more than anything I just wanted to be with him, and told him that I wish I knew where he felt we were headed. I told him in the email that he didn't need to get back right away, but I felt we needed to discuss it all in more detail soon. He txt me back with answers right away, I couldn't have been happier. I know we still have a while before we make any plans or moves. For the moment, we both feel the same way. AWESOME!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by fecalfeliac [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Vincenzo most definitely it will be the kids and I. Another reason for complications. He has the good Job and will be buying the home so we will come to him.

---

As much as I hate questioning what appears to be a happy outcome, I still have to ask whether you are sure about relocating your kids (moving from school and friends, I assume?) to be with your Guy?

I'm not saying you should sacrifice your happiness, but I do not quite see that his job and financial situation is a trump card that gives him the final say about where you should live together.

I have a good job myself, but if I fell in love with a mother of three I would not feel good about her having to move to me if that involved moving three children away from the place and friends they know. Once you have a good job, getting another three hours away should not prove too difficult. And should the house itself (and whose money pays for it) be the defining factor of your relationship? Isn't that a bit old-fashioned?

That's why its more complicated! I know if not for that Wed have been beyond this. I totally understand what you're saying, myself and my kids have been military brats our entire lives. My husband and I were both enlisted, and his parents, my.bf parentsand my bf is finishing his last year as a reservist now. Moving can be very traumatic, everyone involvement in this is all too familiar with that aspect. One thing in my favor is my little ones are still young and not totally attached to our new location. That may sound bad but from experience moving, for us has.been constant. We don't have the luxury of jumping in to test the water unless its going to.be a sure thing. In that respect I wont even attempt unless it is.

Great to hear that things are working out :)

Why don't you try asking him?

Nice screen name, BTW. Eeeeeewwwww...