60 day he-tox

I started it before, but got sucked back in with text messages. So this is day 1. Supposedly, with no contact, I should be over this in 60 days.


I went to the gym (yuck), told a man there he had lovely arms (he did!), but I don't actually want to talk to men, so when he tried to continue conversing, I put my my iPod earbuds in. This afternoon, I am going to make stuffed shells for my daughter, and tonight, I am going to try something new: target shooting. I am mostly doing this to shock my sisters, as I really hate guns, and I am scared of people who love them. BUT, I am planning to picture the object of my misplaced affection in the center of the target, which should be therapeutic.

I haven't cried today, at least not yet.

>:-(

fukker.

He texted me right after I posted this thread.

Good luck with that.

As to guns:

They're not worthy of your hate - They're just objects. Hate instead the people that misuse them. Good on you for learning to use them.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Good luck with that.

As to guns:

They're not worthy of your hate - They're just objects. Hate instead the people that misuse them. Good on you for learning to use them.

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I don't intend to own one. They let you rent them by the hour at the shooting range. lol

What happened?

Never said anything about owning one - just learning to use one. A gun is a tool. You may not ever NEED to know how to use a table saw or compound slide/miter saw, but if the need arises you're set.

Can I suggest you also take a gun safety course? If you're at all interested, here are a couple of good resources for finding them:

http://www.nssf.org/
http://www.nrainstructors.org/searchcourse.aspx

And... because I'm pendantic, here are some basic safety rules (part of what you'll get in classes) that are good for you to know:


1. Treat every firearm as if it was loaded.
2. Do not point your firearm at anything you don't want to destroy.
3. Do not put your finger into the trigger housing until you are ready to pull the trigger.
4. Be sure of your target and what is behind it.

Guns are real popular here...I'm planning on getting my hand gun license :)

Once you pull the trigger a few times, it may get addicting.

Vashti: Why don't you block him. There's a telephone app for that.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I haven't cried today, at least not yet.

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oh no. this sounds serious :(

guns are fun. i was just showing my son how to properly use one today (not a real one, just at the carnival range)
but i wouldn't keep one at home and i dont like how it is too freely available in some places :)

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

>:-(

fukker.

He texted me right after I posted this thread.

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Delete it. You'll feel great.

"hello, hello baby you called, I can't hear a thing... I ain't go no service in the club..."

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The sixth stage of grief (not mentioned in the book) is "indifference" When you get to that stage is when you'll feel your best. It's hard to get to the stage of indifference when they keep infusing themselves in your thoughts. JMO.

I would seriously like to do a gun-range shoot, it sounds like fun actually. I'd not focus on the target as being him though, that's just keeping him engrained in your thoughts but just in a negative way. The goal is indifference.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Vashti: Why don't you block him. There's a telephone app for that.

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He's got quite an ego, so he'll leave me alone if I can just quit responding. I don't want to be unable to reach him entirely, though. He is the only person I have who will help me with my daughter in the event of a medical emergency, which is not a matter of me being dramatic. She has a chronic medical condition, and once in a blue moon, it just gets to be too scary to handle alone.

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Originally Posted by asdfg789 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

oh no. this sounds serious :(

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It was, at least for me. :(

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The goal is indifference.

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First I have to get through the other 5 stages. I am mostly stuck between anger and depression.

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Originally Posted by sadie_genie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What happened?

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I fell for a man who is no good for me, been seeing him for the last 1.5+ years. He cares for me, but it's not proportional, and I am getting too old to waste any more time.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't want to be unable to reach him entirely, though. He is the only person I have who will help me with my daughter in the event of a medical emergency, which is not a matter of me being dramatic. She has a chronic medical condition, and once in a blue moon, it just gets to be too scary to handle alone.

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sounds like you're trapped ? there's gotta be another way ...

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Originally Posted by asdfg789 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

sounds like you're trapped ? there's gotta be another way ...

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I've been looking for a job in Northern California where my sister lives, so I will have family close by, but it's a tough market, and I am not sure moving far away from UCLA and my kid's neuro team is a great log-term plan. So, in a way, I guess I AM trapped.

Gosh. it's harder to get to indifference when you can't stop seeing him. You really have to do the mental work needed. Its like having to keep seeing an ex you share children with when you're still in love with them but you had to leave because of one too many deal breakers or something.

There's no fellow nurse or best female friend that can give you the support you need, Vashti?

Guns are for simpletons.

So rocket launchers then? or sharks with frickin lasers...

::hugs::

I wish I was there to take you out for margaritas.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

There's no fellow nurse or best female friend that can give you the support you need, Vashti?

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Not in the middle of the night. My daughter gets seizures - really big ones. The worst of them are triggered by the shower.

Seriously. Delete it. Mine called me the other night. Since my son was with me (i.e. knew there was no emergency), I just deleted the message. From now on, its in writing by email only.

If its not something you would tolerate 20 years from now, don't put up with it now. Flip the switch, Vash. You've paid your asshole dues and then some.

You just have to understand that none of the attention is sincere, it's just an ego thing. If you can look in the mirror and still be sucked back in, then I don't what else to give you for advice. Do better for yourself, nothing more to say.

Keep reminding yourself of all the bad stuff about him, see him in a different light. You know in your heart you deserve better.... Indi is right it's time to flip the switch and start letting go. Get a good hate on him going, it will keep you strong.

Vashti --- Lucky guy! Do you mind me asking why he isn't good for you?

Sorry to hear that Vash. I'll send you a virtual hug.

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Originally Posted by Kiechi [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Vashti --- Lucky guy! Do you mind me asking why he isn't good for you?

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He's unable to commit to either keeping me, or letting me go. I know he cares a great deal for me (and he also cares about my daughter), and he comes close to begging me not to cut him out of my life (with or without sex), but he needs too much attention from other women to boost his sagging ego. I have so many other serious things to worry about, that quite frankly, I don't usually have the energy to play the games one is expected to engage in when dating, and besides, I'm too old to play them, anyway. I think this may be somewhat of a cultural matter; he is Chilean, and the Chilean women I know have told me that this is the way those men are, especially the handsome ones (which he is).

About the target shooting: it turns out I am a pretty decent shot. %

"He-tox", I like that. Inspiring thread, truly. I'm glad you didn't cry today. =)

He sounds broken Vash. Put him where the rest of the broken ones go. Don't do this to yourself again, you deserve better. No more assholes. Its not fair to the nice non-asshole guys who are out there.

He's definitely broken, he can't seem to get over his ex wife leaving him. Combined with his father leaving the family when he was young, he has a huge fear of abandonment, and so tries to avoid any deep attachments.

He's taught me a lot about my own psychological pathology, though. As much as everyone bags on Wakeup for her constant talk of codependence, I have to admit that this is me. I have a deep underlying need to care for broken people, often at the expense of caring for myself. I am working on this. ((I still hate the term "codependent" though.)

Half of my last post disappeared when I edited it last night, but I wanted to thank all you regulars for being my soundingboard, and I wanted to thank KingZ and innocentman for not trolling me about this just yet. I can usually take it, but would rather not just now.

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Originally Posted by haxan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You just have to understand that none of the attention is sincere, it's just an ego thing. If you can look in the mirror and still be sucked back in, then I don't what else to give you for advice. Do better for yourself, nothing more to say.

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My response to this was the part that must have been deleted in error. Anyway, you are right that I need to stop allowing myself to be sucked in, but I don't think it would be accurate to say none of the attention is sincere. Many of his friends and family members have told me he talks about me all the time, and tells them he loves me. (He's told me this a few times, too.) My life is somewhat complicated due to medical issues, and I don't think someone who didn't really have SOME level of care would have held on this long. It would have been too easy to bow out a long time ago.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He's unable to commit to either keeping me, or letting me go. I know he cares a great deal for me (and he also cares about my daughter), and he comes close to begging me not to cut him out of my life (with or without sex), but he needs too much attention from other women to boost his sagging ego. I have so many other serious things to worry about, that quite frankly, I don't usually have the energy to play the games one is expected to engage in when dating, and besides, I'm too old to play them, anyway. I think this may be somewhat of a cultural matter; he is Chilean, and the Chilean women I know have told me that this is the way those men are, especially the handsome ones (which he is).

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It's always hard when they're so attentive and are showing you loving actions but, they're not going to settle for just one woman. Players are charming. Most woman never hate a true player because he's often very much like James Bond in his sophistication and his psychological knowledge of what women need on our primitive brain level. That kind of attention is hard to give up Vashti so you're not alone in what you're going through. Lots of woman have gone thrrough it, particularily woman who have had the fortune/misfortune to have met a celebrity or sports figure that is fed through his own sexual ego. Sorry to sound trite, but its all the truth.

You can get through this by doing the mental work you need to do to become indifferent to him. Yes, it's early and you're still at the stages of anger and (probably) denial right now and still hoping that you distancing yourself from him will make him give you what you want. (????) The thing to realize though is that even if he does give you what you want... commitment... he'll likely never change from the ego driven man that gets his worth through the attentions of many women unless he gets some unbrainwashing. Think Tiger Woods. Settled down with his Modonna only to keep on with his whores. Knowing that, should help you to come to the stage of acceptance... If any of what I say resonates. If it doesn't then pull an Indi on me and tell me to stfu :).

Be well soon.

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About the target shooting: it turns out I am a pretty decent shot. %

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Well done, Annie Oakley :o)

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He's definitely broken, he can't seem to get over his ex wife leaving him.

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I'm starting to think this should be a red flag (for us women). Assuming the ex isn't crazy, a husband who is left by his wife probably has some serious issues. (hello!)

As for codependence, I think we all have it to some extent. Personally, '****itall' seems to be a good remedy:

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Good post^, WU. I never tell anyone to stfu... directly. ;)

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes, it's early and you're still at the stages of anger and (probably) denial right now and still hoping that you distancing yourself from him will make him give you what you want. (????)

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No, it's not really all that early. I've been wrestling with this for the past year, and I know what I have on my hands, though of course I wish it weren't true. :(

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm starting to think this should be a red flag (for us women). Assuming the ex isn't crazy, a husband who is left by his wife probably has some serious issues. (hello!)

As for codependence, I think we all have it to some extent.

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The ex actually isn't a great catch; she drank too much and couldn't control her spending, which was okay when they were making a lot of money during the real estate boom, but was a big problem when the market crashed. She ended up leaving him for another man she thought could support her extravagant lifestyle, but that guy wouldn't keep her, so she's been bouncing around from man to man ever since, and she's bankrupted herself.

But Ivan loved her. She was pretty in an artificial, dumb-blond sort of way, attracted a lot of attention (at least, she did when she was younger. She is an aging beauty now.) . I suppose she made him feel important. Sucks for me, though, to be compared unfavorably to a dumb-blond drunk.

Eh, they were probably made for each other.

So, to give you an objective interpretation of your post:

He married someone who was pretty, not terribly responsible and sounds shallow. No kids, I'm guessing. Men often marry these types for their own egos. Are you sure he loved her, and not how she *made him feel*? Or, I'm being charitable, perhaps he was young and dumb.

But now, when the shallow wife dumps him for someone new, he's upset. But not to have lost his 'love', I suspect. He's upset his ego has taken a hit and now he doesn't trust women. Duh. He *shouldn't* trust women like his ex. He chose a pretty, dumb, shallow, irresponsible woman as his wife. WTF does he expect? But now there is *you* and how is he behaving? Intelligent people learn from their bad choices. Now, instead of being giddy to find a lady who is beautiful, responsible and the complete opposite of shallow, he's too stupid to see the gift he's been given.

This guy isn't impressing me, Vash. He sounds like an idiot, and I don't care what he does for a living. You & I both know the most brilliant people can be blind idiots when it comes to relationships.

No question about it, he's an idiot. And I am doubly so for falling like a teenager. :(

I'm working on being less stupid... I HAVE to, or I will end up crying over him till I am an old lady, and will probably die alone anyway.

vashti, I had/have the same problem only I didn't get any real interest in return. At least you got that much. I'm reminded of Little Black Submarines by The Black Keys.

Oh can it be
The voices calling me
They get lost
And out of time
I should've seen it glow
But everybody knows
That a broken heart is blind
That a broken heart is blind


We can't help who we fall for, it doesn't mean you're dumb or smart, and sometimes we just hold on so hard because we can't help but hope.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No question about it, he's an idiot. And I am doubly so for falling like a teenager.

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No, there was just something about him that triggered your buttons. Figure out which ones, say 'thank you' for the learning experience. You *need* to learn to let this kind of guy go, and you are already getting much faster. :)

I had a *huge* cry a couple weeks ago when I truly forgave myself for 'failing'. 20 years is a life sentence, Vash, and most murderers don't do the full time for their crime. I've paid my dues, so have you. **** him, you deserve better. Mwhah!

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My response to this was the part that must have been deleted in error. Anyway, you are right that I need to stop allowing myself to be sucked in, but I don't think it would be accurate to say none of the attention is sincere. Many of his friends and family members have told me he talks about me all the time, and tells them he loves me. (He's told me this a few times, too.) My life is somewhat complicated due to medical issues, and I don't think someone who didn't really have SOME level of care would have held on this long. It would have been too easy to bow out a long time ago.

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I probably won't explain it well because I'm tired. But, in general, a man's way of thinking when it comes to moving on/clinging/sucking back in (what is happening with you) has a lot to do with this:

The feelings, i.e. love feelings have faded (not that he doesn't truly care to some degree for you and your daughter) but he's not 'in love with you'. When this happens and neither person has really moved on to a serious relationship, we men tend to want to keep an ownership or possession of you to some degree (I guess you could replace 'you' with 'your pussy and attention').

It's a combination of ego, still caring to some degree and just good old fashioned male possessiveness of what we once considered our property. What ends it is either the guy becoming intimately involved with someone else and it's good, so he lets go and moves on, or he sees the female intimately involved with someone else and it's good and knows that her mind and pussy have moved on and a phone call or text doesn't do anything to get that attention back anymore.

It's kind of simple and basic, but so are men and women. I'm guessing he's still being kind of a 'playa' like you described and you're still single, coping and trying to move on. He's going to keep your pussy and your thoughts close enough to him until one of those 2 things happen (he or you falls for and becomes attached to another). The thing about not being sucked in, is that he doesn't care enough and doesn't love you to make the relationship loving and right and won't. Those feelings are gone, even though like I said, I'm sure he cares about you and your daughter.

Hope that makes sense, we men can get selfish about wanting your thoughts and your pussy to still belong to us to some degree even after the relationship isn't good anymore, the love has faded and we're apart. Breaking contact and moving on is the only way. Tough, but what in life is easy?

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I had a *huge* cry a couple weeks ago when I truly forgave myself for 'failing'. 20 years is a life sentence, Vash, and most murderers don't do the full time for their crime.

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You didn't fail if you gave 100% to make it work, Indi. It wasn't a solo endeavor.

Btw, NO, I'm not sending you my pic because you're single now. Sorry, little pay back there :lol:

Kind of think Russell Crowe'ish, Natalie, but with a much better body :)



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