Attached but not committed?

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08-12-12, 05:00 PM
Hotaru

Attached but not committed?

This is going to be something of a vague post because this is kind of a vague situation...

So, of course, you got a guy and you got a girl. The girl thinks about the guy all the time and regularly updates her Facebook with love songs and little declarations of love. They're having some amount of sex and spending time together fairly frequently. He likes the different things she posts so they at least don't appear to push him away.

The guy doesn't seem to post much at all and seemingly almost nothing about the girl. Both of them are listed as single, the girl expressing unhappiness with the fact that they aren't actually bf/gf. While all of these little mini dates and sleep overs are going on, the guy has a dating profile and it seems to be active.

They've known each other for, oh, about two years and in that time, the guy has had at least one girlfriend, maybe two; the status of their relationship throughout the years is vague. He has indicated that he's unhappy on a number of occasions and is unhappy, in particular, with women. He pretty much stated that none have ever stuck around and not screwed him over. The girl responds jokingly but his statement is still odd considering the circumstances. He's mentioned an ex of his wanting him back and having been cheated on by at least two girls; it's unclear whether this girl is one of them or the ex who wants him back.

He's met at least one girl on this dating site and even though just friendship is on the table, he hasn't shot her down when she flirts, says he wants to hang out with her, and hasn't mentioned this girl he's sleeping with even once (the way you would if you were at least emotionally involved with someone else). He has also stated that he "needs to figure things out" but has never stated what these "things" are.

He's a gentle guy, very kindhearted, definitely not a player. So what does it mean that he seems to have a connection with the girl but has had other girlfriends and is still single and on a dating site? I know no one can say for sure but input would be interesting. It would be easy to say, "He's using her for sex" but at the same time, the emotional crap and her declarations of adoration/obsession and his acceptance of them makes it a little murky.
08-12-12, 05:54 PM
haxan

That's a pretty easy one. He likes 'the girl', but just isn't into her. She's not 'the one' and when that's the case, she never will be.
08-12-12, 07:10 PM
Hotaru

Quote:

Originally Posted by haxan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's a pretty easy one. He likes 'the girl', but just isn't into her.

So, things like calling him "her guy" and referring to him as her boyfriend (while also stating that he's actually single), saying her heart is taken, that he loves her, etc....assuming he isn't into her and isn't a jerk...he let's that go on because saying anything would cause probems? They're pretty bold statements to make outright, it seems iffy, especially when she'll say something like, "im with the one i love <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 " and he likes the comment.

But, then again, she's been stuck on him since at least the summer, if not longer, and he had a girlfriend then. I don't know if she's the ex trying to get him back that he mentioned or not. She's quite young, she just turned 18 at the end of the summer, so she's rather obsessive. It's all so very strange...
09-12-12, 02:37 AM
IndiReloaded

Trying to make more of this than it is. A man who loves a woman will hustle for her. If he doesn't, but is engaged in the behaviours you mention, there are two explanations:

1. He doesn't love her. Full stop.

2. He likes her, likes the attention and sex, but only enough to respond, not enough to contribute.

In the final analysis, it is up to each person to state their needs. If you love this guy and are unclear about his feelings, ask. If you are afraid of the answer, I think that means you probably already know the way the wind blows. But, people sometimes surprise you. So my advice is to just ask him what you want to know.
09-12-12, 02:43 AM
smackie9

Tip: guys will do and say anything to get sex....you are a cookie on the side. Stop having sex with him. Then you will see the interest start to drop off.
09-12-12, 02:46 AM
smackie9

Too add, a guy doesn't have to be a player to dating "casually". You should never give it up unless a relationship is established. Flopping on your back doesn't guarantee to a relationship.
09-12-12, 03:07 AM
Hotaru

I'm not "the girl" in this, thankfully. I just feel somewhat silly being the girl he met from the dating site in light of this information.

I'm trying to sort through it because I want to know how best to react. We're not together, he's not cheating, so I'm not angry but I'm not sticking my neck out for nothing. A friend of mine said that I should fight for what I want unless it becomes clear that he's not interested. But with her going "OMFG I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 " every day and him liking a good portion of the comments, I'm confused. It's hard to see him with someone so childish, at least not seriously. He wrote something about how silly it is that every time he logs onto FB, he sees girls obsessing over the dumbest things. The girl answered right away with only "meow meow meow meow :p"... Mind you, he's listed maturity as something he likes in a woman, I don't think this is a quality he's gonna get in her...

I've considered asking outright what's going on but I'm afraid to scare him off. I met him last year but things got tangled. We reconnected with me saying, "I'd at least like to be friends". He gave me his number and since then, we've been talking. I asked if it was silly that I still liked him - we connected really well when we met - and he said not at all. He hasn't shut me down when I flirt and he hasn't mentioned her to let me know it's not happening. I can't even really remember what tipped me off to this girl's existence, it might have just been the number of times she stalks his page that lead me to hers and then, well, hers is like a shrine to him so it was fairly obvious at that point. I'm worried that my checking could be misconstrued when I was really just seeing what he's into when I came upon it. And at this point, I'm checking because I don't want to stumble into a shitty situation. I've tripped face first into crap before so I'm a little more cautious these days.

As for just stating what you want, I'm pretty sure she has. One of the questions she answered asked, "Was the last person you saw single?" And she wrote, "Unfortunately". So I'd say she's expressed her feelings at least once but they do still have some sort of history.

I feel so weird saying this but I've got 6 years on this kid, I know better than to spread my legs to get a date. ;) Also worth nothing, he has expressed anger towards women who use sex to get what they want which is cool because I won't be giving it up as easily.
09-12-12, 03:19 AM
IndiReloaded

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hotaru [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But with her going "OMFG I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 " every day and him liking a good portion of the comments, I'm confused.

Oh, then this is even simpler than I thought. He's an attention whore or an emotional child or both. Run. You will never be able to compete with his Little Black Facebook. Guys (I hesitate to use the word 'men') like this are emotionally unavailable and like it this way. Look for a long line of 'relationships' that never make it to commitment when its time to shit or get off the pot. Avoid the female trap of thinking YOUR love, or uniqueness will 'fix' him. It won't. The truly awesome women don't waste their time on guys like this.
09-12-12, 03:19 AM
smackie9

If you fear of scaring him off then you are wasting your time with this guy.
09-12-12, 03:21 AM
Hotaru

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Look for a long line of 'relationships' that never make it to commitment when its time to shit or get off the pot.

He's actually been in long term relationships which is why I was wondering what's up with this one. But if this guy really is a mess, I'd rather not bother so I appreciate the advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you fear of scaring him off then you are wasting your time with this guy.

Do you think it's strange to say, "Hey, while I was checking your page, I noticed this girl...what's up?" (not those exact words obviously)
09-12-12, 03:21 AM
smackie9

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you fear of scaring him off then you are wasting your time with this guy.

To add if you consider yourself more mature then you should know better.
09-12-12, 03:22 AM
Hotaru

Quote:

Originally Posted by smackie9 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

To add if you consider yourself more mature then you should know better.

You aren't getting what I mean - is it "stalkerish" to be like hey, I saw a breadcrumb on your page and followed it?
09-12-12, 03:24 AM
IndiReloaded

Why are you focussed on this other girl? Who cares? Yes, there are nutcases out there. But he is using this nutcase to his own advantage.

Sounds like an asshole to me, frankly.
09-12-12, 03:25 AM
Hotaru

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why are you focussed on this other girl? Who cares? Yes, there are nutcases out there. But he is using this nutcase to his own advantage.

Sounds like an asshole to me, frankly.

It's abnormal to wonder if a guy I'm flirting with is available? =/

He just never struck me as an asshole, is that really something you can deduce that quickly if it's common for men to behave this way? Which way is it?...
09-12-12, 03:30 AM
Hotaru

Mind you, I'm not arguing because I'm looking for a reason to continue forward, I'm already leaning heavily towards dropping this altogether. I just don't necessarily agree with every single point that's been said, that's all, but I appreciate the input. =)
09-12-12, 03:32 AM
Lord Darkshire

I wouldn't say he is an asshole, just not a real worthy guy to be interested in.
09-12-12, 04:05 AM
vashti

It's possible he is just waiting for the right girl to come along, but to be honest, it sounds more like he is the non-committal type. He will neither commit to keep that other girl, nor will he commit to letting her go. When she has had enough, he will just move on to the next one who will tolerate it for a while.

Be careful... this situation sounds a lot like the one I am stuck with right now.
09-12-12, 04:10 AM
Hotaru

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's possible he is just waiting for the right girl to come along, but to be honest, it sounds more like he is the non-committal type. He will neither commit to keep that other girl, nor will he commit to letting her go. When she has had enough, he will just move on to the next one who will tolerate it for a while.

Be careful... this situation sounds a lot like the one I am stuck with right now.

See, I was in the same situation before myself, only I was the girl stuck on the guy who wouldn't commit. It finally became clear to me that he likes me but I'm just not the woman he really wants. He had no problem committing to his ex and his longest relationship lasted for 4 years. This other guy's longest lasted about 2 years. It just seems like I'm looking at my own previous situation from the outside now.
09-12-12, 04:15 AM
vashti

Better to be on the outside than on the inside. Of course, you know this.
09-12-12, 04:21 AM
Hotaru

Oh yes, I only hope it never happens again and I learned my lesson.

As the woman on the outside this time, you think it best to avoid him? I'm frustrated with how confusing people can be but I'm surprised with how easily I think I could back away; no doubt a result of my previous situation.
09-12-12, 04:29 AM
vashti

I think it's probably best to avoid putting yourself in a situation where the potential for being in that girl's situation is high. Of course, it's all a matter of risk, and how much of a risk-taker you are.
09-12-12, 04:32 AM
Hotaru

Thanks vash; I think given where I've come from and where I want to go, the risk just isn't worth it. =)
09-12-12, 11:37 AM
haxan

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh, then this is even simpler than I thought. He's an attention whore or an emotional child or both.

Well, you got it all sorted out OP, no need to try and read much into it, it's no more complicated than this. ^

A guy doesn't have to be a playa as in "sleep around" playa, to be a playa. Looking for, getting, and trying to keep girls attention and affection while in constant pursuit of more and different, qualifies.