Should I Say Something?

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year. He's a very outgoing person and spends a lot of his time at work, at school, and with his friend Kristen. While I know he and his friend would never do anything, it immensely bothers me when they hang out- mainly because them hanging out includes dinners for two at nice restaurants and seeing plays and movies I've let him know I want to see. I find that, more and more often, he is cancelling on our plans because he is so tired or he opts to have a day indoors instead of us going out. This normally wouldn't bother me, but we haven't done a couples activity save for eating out in over a month. I never hear of him cancelling with his friend. I have no fear that he is cheating on me, but I still wish he would invest more activity time with me. I'm starting to feel a bit unimportant and lowly. If my self esteem were any lower, I would have to see a therapist.

So my question is: Should I say something to him about how I feel pushed-aside, or should I keep filling my time with hobbies and activities? If I do say something, how should I phrase it?

Communication is important. I'm not sure how to word it tho. Just try not to sound too whiny or make it sound like its all about you.

Why do u even date is u dont even know that u need to communicate and that its one of the most
important things in a relationship.
Maybe u r underage???

U should say everything that u like or dont like or are worry about too your bf.
If u cant its cause u dated him too soon. While u dont even know him.

Its not something u should ask us if u can tell hm something.

And i think its wrong and disrespectful for people too keep hanging with friends like they use to do
when they have a relationship.
That person should spent more time with u and the freind should understand that they need to take a step back
cause now the person have less time to hang out.

I think that guy is playing u. Maybe he is also cheating on u with that freind.
Cause he treat the freind as his gf and u as a regular freind.

Keep fooling yourself or step up and break up!
Cause no normal guy would spent more time with other girl that isnt the one girl they r inlove with.

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Originally Posted by eksink [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So my question is: Should I say something to him about how I feel pushed-aside, or should I keep filling my time with hobbies and activities? If I do say something, how should I phrase it?

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Yes, you should say something. Tell him you feel his friend is more his GF than you are. Watch carefully for how he responds to this. Sorry, but I don't believe men and women can be 'just friends', not the way you are describing. Its possible he's got a thing for her and she isn't going there. I know that's what you fear, but you can't let that fear keep you from facing what may be the truth:

A simple prop to occupy my time
This one goes out to the one I love

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Originally Posted by eksink [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year. He's a very outgoing person and spends a lot of his time at work, at school, and with his friend Kristen. While I know he and his friend would never do anything, it immensely bothers me when they hang out- mainly because them hanging out includes dinners for two at nice restaurants and seeing plays and movies I've let him know I want to see. I find that, more and more often, he is cancelling on our plans because he is so tired or he opts to have a day indoors instead of us going out. This normally wouldn't bother me, but we haven't done a couples activity save for eating out in over a month. I never hear of him cancelling with his friend. I have no fear that he is cheating on me, but I still wish he would invest more activity time with me. I'm starting to feel a bit unimportant and lowly. If my self esteem were any lower, I would have to see a therapist.

So my question is: Should I say something to him about how I feel pushed-aside, or should I keep filling my time with hobbies and activities? If I do say something, how should I phrase it?

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I have to ask: What makes You "significant" as in "Significant Other?"

This is obviously bothering you and it's rather doubtful that you'll just be able to suddenly feel "important" while he dates is female friend. Simply and matter of factly tell him what you've told us here after that it's up to him to change his ways, which he'll do if he values you, and remember that in order for a relationship to be long lasting, you have to learn how to communicate with your Significant Other about things that he's doing that affect the emotional connection in your relationship and of course, he needs to be able to do the same.

I don't know of anyone who wouldn't be feeling inSignificant when their Significant other is still dating other women. (yes he's dating her) Friendship or no, when he's in a committed, monogamous relationship he needs to change up how he interacts with his opposite sex friends at least to the point where the one-on-one interaction is limited.

He may not be physically cheating on you (I think you would know if he were, I trust your judgement), but he is definitely emotionally cheating on you with his "friend". Tell him what Indi said - that you feel she is more his GF than you are. He is doing girlfriend-boyfriend stuff with this girl, going on dates with her, talking with her every single day, etc. This is NOT ok, and you should let him know loudly (not literally) and clearly.

Next time he says he's going on a date with this girl, ask him if you can tag along. Ask him why he thinks she spends so much time with a guy that has a girlfriend, instead of finding one of her own.

A good friend of mine was in your same exact situation. She and her boyfriend had been together for about an year: after months of him ditching her to go on dates with his "friend", while she tried to make him understand how bad it made her feel, she got to the point of telling him explicitly: "either you stop hanging out with her so much, or I'm leaving you". Turns out he preferred hanging out with his "friend", rather than keeping his girlfriend, so she dumped him, and didn't regret it once.

I think your boyfriend is in love with his "friend". You should definitely confront him about it. Don't believe him when he says she's "just a friend" - male/female friendships do exist, but they're nothing like this. This is dating, crushing on each other, sharing sexual tension and emotionally cheating, to top it off. I used to be "the other girl" (doesn't make me proud, but it was a different situation), so believe me, I know.

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Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Next time he says he's going on a date with this girl, ask him if you can tag along.

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Actually, this is a great idea. Make *her* feel uncomfortable, kill her with kindness. Be sure to include PDA with your BF while you are out together.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Be sure to include PDA with your BF while you are out together.

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Yes, definitely. Pay particular attention to how your bf reacts: if he seems uncomfortable when you hug/kiss him in front of her, it's the ultimate proof that he's having an emotional affair with her.

Do you think he'd even agree to have her join them? Should be an interesting experiment if you have the nerve to test it out, Eksink! Of course if he makes excuses why you can't join them, well then you truly will know where you stand with him.

He's probably going to try and find some stupid excuse, which is a red flag per se. The OP should either persist or dump him, in that case.

Eksink - is there any reason for which the two of them can't be in a relationship with each other? I mean, is there anything (other than himself) that prevents him from breaking up with you and getting together with her? This would be a perfect reason for his behavior: even if he broke up with you (losing the comfort and familiarity of an official relationship), he still wouldn't get to be with her. So, why break up with you, when he can have both you and the excitement and "butterfly-in-the-stomach" feeling of a new crush?

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Actually, this is a great idea. Make *her* feel uncomfortable, kill her with kindness. Be sure to include PDA with your BF while you are out together.

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I dont think its worth it for her to suffocate herself acting crazy while its about a dude
that isnt really interested in her.
Things like that one may do when their partner is one with them and its only the freind that keeps flirting etc too him.

In this case i see a dude making a team with his freind and let his gf on the side.
So there is noting to fight for. Cause the bf himself is not interested and its him that
plans the problems.

Topic starter choose for yourself! for real!

My advice is different to the other posters: Considering that he KNOWS you'd like to do this stuff, I wouldn't bother with convesations. I'd just dump him.

Just break up with him. It's too obvious he really wants to be with her, but she just sees as him as a friend. He is just fooling himself like totally, and that is his problem not yours. I agree with basilandthyme, it's not worth the conversation. There is no way he is going to give up on seeing his friend for you. The writing is on the wall.....

I'e brought up my feelings before, but he has told me he's not going to stop seeing his friends just because I'm insecure. While I admit insecurity, I think it's justified. I've gone out with the both of them before. My boyfriend is not very affectionate when we hang out and often forgets I'm there. I have to fight for attention. The sad thing is the girl will actually push him to interact with me more. She feels sorry for me. It makes me feel pathetic, but I also see sincerity in her eyes every time she does it. I think he's so invested in their friendship because she's more available (I was a full time florist working the exact opposite of his schedule, so making time for each other was always hard. I still drove 22 miles to see him whenever possible, though.) and and funny. Again, I have no problem with the girl. I have a problem with the percentage of time my boyfriend spends with her. Were I to bring my feelings up again, I'm afraid he would break up with me. He broke up with me once before for being too emotional. I took that time to see a therapist and work on myself, and, after seeing the newer me, he wanted me back. I'm terrified that admitting these emotions I'm experiencing will make him feel like a crutch again and he'll leave.

...But then I think "Do I really deserve to feel this low about myself?" No. No, I don't. And it's seeming more and more like a choice between my sanity or (aside from this friend) the best relationship I've ever been in.

Oh come on. Dump him already. He clearly isn't in love with you and guess what: he is insecure enough to stay in a relationship with a woman he isn't in love with, just because he's too afraid of being alone and doesn't have the guts to try. Dump him, you deserve a guy who is into you.

sksink, I don't think this is about insecurity at all. Instead, what you are experiencing is a fairly normal reaction to not getting your (perfectly reasonable) needs met.

Please go and have a long look at your self-esteem. Why would you stay with someone who takes another girl to the events which you've stated you'd like to go to?

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Originally Posted by eksink [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'e brought up my feelings before, but he has told me he's not going to stop seeing his friends just because I'm insecure. While I admit insecurity, I think it's justified. I've gone out with the both of them before. My boyfriend is not very affectionate when we hang out and often forgets I'm there. I have to fight for attention. The sad thing is the girl will actually push him to interact with me more. She feels sorry for me. It makes me feel pathetic, but I also see sincerity in her eyes every time she does it. I think he's so invested in their friendship because she's more available (I was a full time florist working the exact opposite of his schedule, so making time for each other was always hard. I still drove 22 miles to see him whenever possible, though.) and and funny. Again, I have no problem with the girl. I have a problem with the percentage of time my boyfriend spends with her. Were I to bring my feelings up again, I'm afraid he would break up with me. He broke up with me once before for being too emotional. I took that time to see a therapist and work on myself, and, after seeing the newer me, he wanted me back. I'm terrified that admitting these emotions I'm experiencing will make him feel like a crutch again and he'll leave.

...But then I think "Do I really deserve to feel this low about myself?" No. No, I don't. And it's seeming more and more like a choice between my sanity or (aside from this friend) the best relationship I've ever been in.

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He's an asshole and you need to stop making excuses for his bad behavior. And you could easily find a better relationship than what you're describing here.

Yes, since you've posted that he does nothing to make you feel or even seem Significant from this other girl then why stay with him or, why even be afraid to leave someone who has left you before because you wouldn't quietly tolerate his emotional infidelity like a good little girl? His (so called) friend is no better then him if she sees that he is unattentive and has to encourage/remind him that you are his gf. She should do the right thing and STOP hanging with him the way she is if she doesn't want a real relationship with him.

To stay with him after what you have revealed in your followup post will be you enabling him to continue on making you feel insignificant. Don't ever be afraid to leave someone who dates and hangs with another woman while you stay at home feeling angst and unhappy. If you MUST give him one more chance to redeem himself (after communicating your very reasonable insecurity in this case) then TELL him what you want to see happen and if he doesn't agree, then at least you know you gave him a chance. If he doesn't agree then please don't punish yourself a minute longer.

If/when you do break up with him, know that you will have many people that will help you through it by venting here.

OP - dump him and move on. He is attracted to his "friend", but she isn't into him so he just hangs out with her hoping/fantasizing. He uses you to kill the time between his dates with her...he also uses you for the sex he doesn't get from her. I am sorry you are going through this. But, you have all the power in your life to get what you want. Remove yourself from this situation ASAP bc it's not doing anything for you but bringing you down. Work on yourself and constantly surround yourself with people who see your greatness.

Your BF is just too chicken to admit the truth to you, himself, and his "friend". His friend of course knows that he likes her, and she just likes the attention.

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Originally Posted by eksink [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year. He's a very outgoing person and spends a lot of his time at work, at school, and with his friend Kristen. While I know he and his friend would never do anything, it immensely bothers me when they hang out- mainly because them hanging out includes dinners for two at nice restaurants and seeing plays and movies I've let him know I want to see. I find that, more and more often, he is cancelling on our plans because he is so tired or he opts to have a day indoors instead of us going out. This normally wouldn't bother me, but we haven't done a couples activity save for eating out in over a month. I never hear of him cancelling with his friend. I have no fear that he is cheating on me, but I still wish he would invest more activity time with me. I'm starting to feel a bit unimportant and lowly. If my self esteem were any lower, I would have to see a therapist.

So my question is: Should I say something to him about how I feel pushed-aside, or should I keep filling my time with hobbies and activities? If I do say something, how should I phrase it?

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Are you not allowed to go with them? If so, that's a huge red flag.

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Originally Posted by eksink [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

(aside from this friend) the best relationship I've ever been in.

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Then you have made some seriously bad choices if this is the best you can do. Clearly you follow a destructive pattern when it comes to relationships. You refuse to see the red flags and call it quits. It's a no brainer when things are not right, is because they are not, and the best remedy is to walk away and save your dignity and self worth. Stop this pattern and the insanity, break up with him.

Thank you all for your honesty and advice. It's been an eye-opener. I'l make my demands and see how it goes.

I really don't know why you even bother when you already have approached him on this many times and he has already told you we will not change anything. Actions speak louder than words..he wants her, and isn't going to give it up even tho he is in a relationship with you.

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Originally Posted by eksink [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you all for your honesty and advice. It's been an eye-opener. I'l make my demands and see how it goes.

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I agree with Smackie. This guy hasn't cared about what you want in the past, so why do you think it will be any different now?

Just dump him.

Well, we all need to do things in our own way and in our own time so eksink. Your question was "should I say something?" Answer: Yes. If he makes you feel like you're being jealous, whiney or insecure then just ask him to leave and to never contact you again. If he won't even make an effort to show you that you're his Significant Other without belittling you and your feelings then he really is the asshole that he appears to be. As you know, you certainly deserve better than that.

After you break up with him, he will have more time to spend with his platonic friend. Then he will discover that she isn't interested in a serious relationship with him at all, and come crawling back to you. Stay strong and turn him down.

He's not acknowledging an important issue. You shouldn't have to *demand* anything. There's all kinds of asshole out there. Not all of them come with an obvious warning label.

I agree with the dumping him part. Not sure why you'd want him back tho. He's clearly not that into you.

He is just a solid twit. He has been hopelessly serenading her all this time. He is one of those fools that thinks, that she will come to her senses and realize she should be with him....NOT! it's obvious she won't have any part of that.

She is partly to blame for this...using him for her own emotional tampon because she has no one in her life atm. Shame on her. If she had any brains she would break off the friendship, especially seeing his behavior towards you...he is a total idiot.

Keep us posted.

As a guy, I once had my lady friend around to feel very wanted. When I was with my GF, only reason for me to say that I could still hang out with my lady friend was because she was attractive. I messed up but me and my gf ended in good terms but still broke up because of it.

I told him recently that I felt he was choosing her friendship over our relationship and that I needed more than that. Well, it started off very rough, but he looked me in the eyes and said (roughly. This is as close to word-for-word as I can get) "You're the one I want to marry. The only reason I hang out with her is because we share common interests, is available when you aren't, and she lives close. I could never be in a relationship with someone so selfish and idiotic. She's just friend material. I won't stop seeing my friends, but I will try to be better and give you more of my time and affection. I love you and I want you to be the one I wake up to every day- no one else."

So... I think ti's fair to give him a chance to show me he really means this. If he fails again, he's gone... no matter how much it might hurt to leave.

Does he go out and do things with her that you won't go with him to do? Does he go out with her and do things when you're available to go, if you will?

So, what is your criteria though? What does 'show he really means this', mean?

The fact he shit-talks his friend is a bad sign, btw. He spends so much time with her, using her, apparently, only b/c she is available when you aren't. But he calls her selfish and idiotic? He sounds increasingly like an asshole.

Doesn't this guy leave a bad taste in your mouth? Seems to me he's neither a good BF or a good friend. I'd break up with him just for insulting his supposed friend that way. He doesn't respect her. He uses her but doesn't really like her. Imagine what he says about you, or will?

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Originally Posted by eksink [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I told him recently that I felt he was choosing her friendship over our relationship and that I needed more than that. Well, it started off very rough, but he looked me in the eyes and said (roughly. This is as close to word-for-word as I can get) "You're the one I want to marry. The only reason I hang out with her is because we share common interests, is available when you aren't, and she lives close. I could never be in a relationship with someone so selfish and idiotic. She's just friend material. I won't stop seeing my friends, but I will try to be better and give you more of my time and affection. I love you and I want you to be the one I wake up to every day- no one else."

So... I think ti's fair to give him a chance to show me he really means this. If he fails again, he's gone... no matter how much it might hurt to leave.

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Okay, so you've made a decision based on his dazzling you with his science. Now, I suggest that you leave this thread because it's forum nature to try and pursuade you to do something that people don't think you should do and there's no sense letting a seed of doubt grow at this point.
You will learn whether or not he is sincere, just don't put your head in the sand if he continues to make her his priority.

Good luck.. no matter which way it turns out.

Pay attention to what I posted about how he treats his friends. It's a sign of how he will treat you, too. Respect for others = respect for self. Come back and let us know how it goes. Good luck.

Remember actions speak louder than words.....