very confused, not sure which way to go?

So, it's been a long time since I've posted here, but I'm having a little bit of an issue, so I thought I'd get some advice.

Around the holidays of '11, I began getting really close to a coworker (I know, not good at work) who was already a good friend. We have really great chemistry, joke back and forth, and the others in the office have already joked that she's my gf. The problem is, she has and lives with her bf/baby's daddy :/ so she would vent about him, and we'd talk all the time even from home, and she eventually told me she had feelings for me, and I did too. I did tell her that I had a rule I don't mess with girls that are taken. She would "joke" about trying to get me to break my rule, and as hard as it was, I always said no. Things eventually cooled off, we kinda fell apart over it, partly my fault, and had a couple months of awkwardness/not talking. The past few months we FINALLY got back to how we were before. Well, a week or so ago, she seemed off though she was trying to act normal. I asked what was up, and it came out that she was stressed over her kids and school and work and her bf wasn't doing anything to help. She also told me that the two of them haven't been talking much lately either. It's sort of starting to feel like it did before...her confiding in me, talking a lot, even from home...and honestly part of me wants to go back to that. I dont have many girls go after me so when she did it felt good. But I know it can't work out as a real relationship so the other part of me knows it probably isn't wise to go back to that. I still care about her, and it kills me that she's not happy and living with a dick who's hit her in the past and doesn't deserve her...what do it do?

Sorry its long haha, I can't go to anyone at work about this so I need any advice please :)

I think its right not to mess with taken girls and stick with your own rules. But if she becomes free person(leaves the dick) than I dont see a problem.

However dont stress about if shes not happy cause its not your job to make her happy(and never was).

Until she leaves the dick of her BF stay well clear. If she's not happy with her life it's up to her to change it not you.

I agree-tell her it is not appropriate for her to be confiding in you this way-especially about personal issues regarding him and her family. She is having an emotional affair with you right now (look it up) and this IS a form of cheating.

I recommend you only talk to her at work from now on and only as a distant friend. If she is not happy with him-that is her problem OP-not yours. And she can leave him if she really is that unhappy. Your only getting her side of the story remember that.

Keep your integrity-stay away from her and focus on meeting someone new. In future avoid becoming close friends with women especially at work..

Yea, I figured this would be what I would hear. It's going to be hard to stay away from personal stuff...me, her, and two others at work are a really close group, but I think I just need to remind myself why there's no way it'll work out and keep it moving. I appreciate the advice, hopefully I just read too much into it and she's not feeling the same way again

Work relationships are always a bad idea even if you are both single. If you want to give her advice-tell her stop playing the victim and if he really is that bad-get off her ass and either kick him out or leave him. No point bitching day in, day out about her pathetic life if shes not willing to do something about it and planning to hop into bed with you will not resolve any of her problems-it will just make them 100times worse.

Well done for saying no. You deserve credit for that. Remember if sbell cheat on him with ylu, shell likely cheat on you also with someone else. Forget her and meet someone else who has a healthier, more mature way of dealing with relationship problems

That's my exact thinking with cheating, if they do it with me they'll do it to me. So, yea I don't ever see her leaving him, last time it came up she said she can't because of her kids. I think it's that maybe, but she also still loves him. So yea, her problem not mine. I've told her in the past that I don't mind listening, but she knows that I don't have pity on someone who causes grief to themselves. Thanks again for the help, sometimes when you spell it out you see how dumb of an idea it really is haha

No matter how bad he is- if shes still with him he cant be that bad. People who cheat normally blame all relationship problems on there partner whether its true or not. Its there way of deluding themselves into thinking "cheating is ok" dont fall for it.

Meet someone available and get on with your life :)

So, today I saw her again, and she seems to still be acting the way she did way back when. She bumps me when she walks by, talks to me all day on the office IM, etc. So she tells me sometime in the afternoon that her bf is mad at her because she hasn't called him all morning. So i ask her if she ever talked to him about what she told me (she's one of my best friends, and apparently I'm the only one she's told any of this too, I can't leave her with no one to talk to) and she said kinda. she says that hes been weird, and he's been looking for something that's not there. When I asked what she meant, she said that today she asked where he was and he said don't worry you have plenty of time, I'll be home late. He's always had jealousy/paranoia issues. So i ask if neither of them are happy why are they still together, and she says honestly i dont know anymore. That was basically the end of the convo, so now I'm confused even more lol. I still have a hard time believing she'll leave him, because I've heard it before, but she seems worse than last time. But if she does, i dunno if she thinks we might hook up then. When we decided to stop talking the way we were last time, we both said maybe someday, so I'm not sure if that's in her mind or not. I honestly don't even know if I would want to be in a relationship with her if she does end up leaving him. Anyways, this is the only place I can let this out lol even though I'm pretty sure the response I'll get, I need someone else's perspective

Don't meddle with it. If she wants you so badly, why can't she leave the dipshit who impregnated her? Make it clear to her that, though you really care about her, you can't cross boundaries- that you're not going to make her choose.

Hi there I dont think she should leave the relationship she is already in to be with you, if she needs to end things with "dick" then her reasons should be because of her own reasons, nothing to do with you, you can be a secondary thought for sure, but if she is thinking about leaving and straight away starting up with you then maybe you should somehow tell her that you are not looking for that with her right now. Who knows how things would turn out between you two and you certainly wont want to be feeling "stuck" if you become unhappy with her because you think and may even hear her say that she left "him" for you. You sound like you have a great friendship and thats wonderful and if you were both single and only wanting a bit of 'fun' and maybe see how things feel taking a step further in your relationship with her it all needs to be clear before hand, you seem like a great guy, your inner voice will tell you what is best for you in the long run. Good luck and take care xx

Yea, I told her she knows my thoughts on him so I didn't need to say it again. Who knows, I could be reading way into all this and she may not be having those feelings again. I am a classic overthinker, so my mind is always racing going through all kinds of scenarios

People like her are emotionally immature-they take the easy way out and never take responsibility for their own bad behavior..

If she is not happy with him-she should leave him and stay single for awhile until she knows what she wants and then start dating again when the time is right. This is a very bad way for anyone to deal with relationship problems.

She is bad news OP. Your "friendship" with her is inappropriate-it sounds more like an emotional affair to me. You don't owe her anything. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that if she is having problems in HER relationship-she should sort it out with her partner and if she needs someone to talk to-go to a relative, a female friend or a counselor.

She is getting too close for comfort and you are the "other man". Stop this now. Its a silly game that only fools play.

This is exactly why men and women should not be friends. I am sick of saying it time and time again. People really need to wake up!

Ehh, I disagree that men and women can't be friends. I have many female friends, and I have no interest in them like that nor trying to steal them from their bf/husband. Yea, she does have issues, but everyone does. I see your point, and I've never told her what to do with her relationship, all I've done is give her someone to talk to and say I hope she gets it figured out soon. If she leaves him then maybe we'll talk after she gets settled. If she doesn't, she can still talk to me about anything.

thats how affairs start. getting too close to someone of the opposite sex, confiding in them, spending alone time with them, all the while trying to convince yourself "were just friends" etc etc

I see your point, but I really don't think there's any chance of an affair. I know me too well, and I wouldn't be able to handle her going home to another man. Not that I'm possessive or anything like that, but I just know how my head works and I would always be wondering why she would stay with him still, and honestly I would lose respect for her if she cheated on him. So I'll just sit back and see what she does, I hope for her sake she can leave him, not for me but for her and her kids. But, not my decision

Hello again. Lol. So, beating a dead horse possibly, but this is still on my mind. So, to try to end this, or at leaat maybe end the wondering, what do you all think about just straight out asking her if she is starting to have feelings again or if I'm reading too much into it all? I'm home from work now, she's still there, would that be something ok to ask through email, or should it be in person? Or at least through the IM at work (our main way of communication about this stuff). I'm worried about asking though because of the awkwardness after the whole thing, even though it was a long time ago, but I don't want to cause another rift between us since we've been getting along so well lately. Any thoughts?

I think you should ask her but probably better to ask in person and if she says yes-you should do the right think and tell her its innapropriate for you to be friends.

Does her partner know you email/text a lot?

No, I don't think so. He's had a history of jealousy, and she's told me stories about him not wanting her to sit next to guys at her classes, and a long time ago (before the feelins stuff) we were walking at work and she said "do you know how mad he'd be if he saw us walking right now? So I don't think he knows anything about me, and especially not the way we've talked in the past.

Then you need to stop this OP. Shes looking for an escape and she will use you as a way out. Before you know it shell be living with you and her kids too.

Its a delusion and a fantasy-an escape from reality, a bit of excitement, a distraction. That is all you are to her OP. She is taken and this needs to stop.

Like I said already-she should stop complaining about him like a little school girl. If she was sooo unhappy-she would have left already. There are two sides to every story. How do you know shes not the one causing all the problems in their relationship? By the sounds of it he has good reason to feel possessive/jealous.

Stop listening to everything she says. She can play the victim all she wants-that is just her way of justifying HER bad behavior-putting all the blame on him. If she tries to talk to you again-tell her go and get relationship counselling and tell her to stay away from you.

You owe her nothing and the more time you invest in her-the less chance of you meeting someone special.

I think you should tell her that what you have is inappropriate and unless she breaks up with her bf, you two should end this emotional affair. Then just stop talking to her so often, treat her like you would treat any other coworker.

It doesn't matter whether she has feelings for you or not - the reality of the situation is that she is TAKEN, so you should just back off and let her vent to her FEMALE friends (it's not your responsibility if she doesn't have any). So do NOT ask her if she has feelings for you, that's just going to enhance the emotional affair you've got going on and has to stop.

So, after a LOT of thinking and reading your comments, you guys are absolutely right. And, to be honest, I put myself in this situation, and it's really more from my issues than hers. She's never vented about him unless I've asked how things were going. It's because I've held onto these feelings this whole time that I put it in my head that she might be having feelings again, or I was at least hoping that. She does the same thing I do and bottles stuff up, and even when I ask her about him she just says she's blowing it off instead of worrying about it, so why am I making myself worry about it? I just need to stop putting myself in that position and stop asking about it, and go back to being normal. I've never got much attention from the ladies, so when she did back then, it felt good so I've held onto that, even though I've told myself that I wasn't. Denials a bitch lol, so yea obviously I need to try to find someone else (single) to make me forget about something where nothing even happened. I appreciate all the advice, even if it sounded like I didn't lol. I still disagree about the men/women can't be friends part though :P haha

Men and women definitely can be friends - the one basic rule is that in order to be friends, two persons can NOT be attracted to each other.

In your case, you are obviously attracted to her, so you can't be friends with her.

I actually just posted something related to this, except I am that girl, and me and my boyfriend's relationship used to suck and I would confide in a really good guy friend I had about stuff and then we ended up falling for each other. It was a crappy situation. I had feelings for my friend, but I couldn't give up my boyfriend.
It got to the point where my friend and I kissed, then I realized I had gotten too close.
I am still trying to make things right. I already told my boyfriend and promised not to be around that guy anymore... but he is still holding onto me and it hurts.
I would let go if I were you, because if she is going to stay with that guy, holding on will only cause you more pain. It would be best to put your energy and focus into someone else who is ready to fully give herself to you. You deserve that at least. She has her own reasons for being with who she is with, and those reasons are strong enough to keep her with him, regardless of you or not. And it's not really about you, it's about her and what she wants to do. If you care about her, and if you care about you, the healthiest thing to do is let go...
Hope that helps...

And yes... emotional affairs can easy lead to physical affairs if you don't stop them before they start... be careful, and think it through...

OP boost your self esteem "iv never gotten much attention from girls" so youll just settle then for anyone eho strokes your ego? That is unhealthy.

People with insecurity issues are destructive in a relationship-more likely to cheat and always think the grass is greener somewhere else.

Work on your confidence so you dont feel like your "settling for second best" when you meet a specisl girl.

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Originally Posted by AnnaMarie99 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And yes... emotional affairs can easy lead to physical affairs if you don't stop them before they start... be careful, and think it through...

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That's not the point: emotional affairs are cheating, just like physical affairs are.

You're, right. My self esteem is a work in progress. Believe me, I've actually come a long way, but still have quite a bit to go. Thanks again for everyone's help. And thanks Annamarie for the different perspective, I just need to get this out of my head that anything will happen. No matter how many times I've told myself this is something that won't happen and I don't want, there's always been the part of me that says shut up yes you do lol

Well it wont lead anywhere which you already no and will only further damage your slf esteem. Keep your self respect and integrity and do the right think. Be proud of yourself for walking away and focus on the future