Sexless Relatioship (4 times in 3 years) and Selfish Partner

Hey :)

So me and my GF are both 22 and have been together for around 3 years. As the title suggests, weve had sex (if you can call it that) about 4 times in our entire relationship. Every month or so a little bit of foreplay may occur but that's it. By foreplay I mean this: I pleasure her with my fingers for around 2 minutes until she is satisfied, then she gets up, goes to the bathroom, gets back in bed then goes to sleep. That's it, she doesn't even touch me, or kiss me.

And you may have guessed this, but its killing me. For 2 years of out relationship we were at Uni together, even lived together for a year. The situation now is that shes at home working, and I;m doing a masters degree about 40 miles away. We see each other once a week or once every 2 week, usually overnight. You'd have thought we couldn't wait to have sex? Think again. We just have the foreplay I mentioned before, or absolutely nothing at all.

I've spoken to her about this. She always agrees, says she wants it more. Makes all these plans/promises. But its just words and empty promises, nothing ever changes. And at the end of these discussions I always end up feeling guilty for wanting more sex, or feel like a bad person and end up apologizing to her. I'm not sure if thats because of her reaction or what she says to me, or something else.

The last time we had (barely) sex was about 14 months ago.

Its driving me insane, about 6 month ago I essentially gave up and accepted it just wasn't part of our relationship, and it wasn't going to happen. I'd just have to live with it. The problem now is its getting me down, i feel no connection or emotion to her whatsoever. She barely even kisses me when we do meet, i just feel nothing. She told me one of her elderly family members had gone into hospital, I felt no sympathy so had to fake it. If I go to see her, (she never comes to me) I don't look forward to it. In fact I dread it.

I just feel like a friend that deals with the shit a boyfriend has to.

I am trying so so so so hard not to stray, I'll be honest, its crossed my mind, but I havn't done. I'm 22 and get less sex than a single guy 3 years my junior. I listen to people talka bout their sex life, or people moaning they only get it once a week. Once a week! I would kill for that!

What do I do??

Help!

If you're asking for someone to give you permission to break up with her, then you've got mine.

I just don;t get it. We have zero intimacy, but then she talks about it like she wants it, but its just empty words. Even single people have more sex than I do. Its absolutley driving me insane. Latley I've been worried about how much porn i watch. But the only reason I do that is because I get nothing else, its the only way I stay sane.

Like I said, if you're looking for permission to break up with her, then you've gone mine.

This is the thing thoough, I can't break up with her. I don';t know why, but I just can't. I don't wanna hurt her.

Then welcome to your world, Mr. Lazy-Ass-who's-too-set-in-your-ways-to-better-your-lot !
Maybe you should tell her you're going out to get some sex tonite because you're not getting it from her? Maybe you should keep your fingers to yourself as well.

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Originally Posted by Chip123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This is the thing thoough, I can't break up with her. I don';t know why, but I just can't. I don't wanna hurt her.

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This is your inner pussy coming out. It isn't about not hurting her, it is that you'd rather this than nothing at all (even though that is what you're getting anyways). You two are sexually incompatible and should break up. If you're 3 years in and this is the problem, it probably isn't going to get better.

Have you considered sleeping with other women? It is easier to do if you're single...

This is not a relationship-shes not your gf. Bf and gf have sex, have oral, touch each other etc regularly. Your wasting your time. You have to end it. I recommend you break up with her now and tell her straight up that its bcoz you feel like you are just friends and the lack of sex prevents you from really connecting with her on a physical or emotional level and the rejection hurts you and depresses you. Tell her you need a real gf and ur sick of feeling like her gay best friend.

Stop feeling bad about this. You are miserable and she is selfish and she also needs a major reality check so be the one to give it to her and then get on with your life without her. Take whatever time you need to heal and get over her and then go find yourself a real gf-one who actuslly likes sex and all the things you can do together.

Stop being co-dependent. Your "relationship" with her is unhealthy and destructive and its crushing your self esteem. Put yourself first for a change and dump her

Lol rotf lls and ur still with her!

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Stop being co-dependent. Your "relationship" with her is unhealthy and destructive and its crushing your self esteem. Put yourself first for a change and dump her

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I don't think this is a co-dependency case, I think you've seen the term on this forum a few times and just assume that it can be used for any bad relationship. No, this is a case of him not getting what he wants, but trying to find an impossible solution instead of trying to find greener pastures. OP just needs to walk away from this, it has gone on for too long.

sounds like a very boring relationship to me. you're 22, in a committed relationship and having no sex? wtf

Cerby ur right i didnt realky understand the term co-dependent until i looked it up yesterday. I thought it meant when two people have issues and are dependent on each other bcoz of those issues but when i looked it up i realised it means one person puts way more into the relationship then the other and stays in the hope that it will get better but realistically it wont get better so i think the OP is co-dependent in this case

Why do you think she doesn't want to have sex with you?

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Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think this is a co-dependency case, I think you've seen the term on this forum a few times and just assume that it can be used for any bad relationship. No, this is a case of him not getting what he wants, but trying to find an impossible solution instead of trying to find greener pastures. OP just needs to walk away from this, it has gone on for too long.

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Codependency isn't the term for "every bad relationship" There are certain symptoms that apply to people who are codependent and addicted to the situation they find themselves in. Op, in his other thread, has admitted that after reading about CD that it applies to him. If his personality wasn't so codependent, then he would certainly have left at least two years ago knowing that he's not getting his needs met. It's his own issues that keep him there. This hasn't anything to do with her. (although she has obvious sexual issues that need to be addressed and fixed but, which won't ever get done as long as he stays and enables her to be sexless and orgasmically selfish.).

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Originally Posted by Chip123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I just don;t get it. We have zero intimacy, but then she talks about it like she wants it, but its just empty words.

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Maybe she's only with you to ward off loneliness?

I'd dump her. It's not worth all the worry and concern, honestly. You'll find someone who gives you the intimacy that she is neglecting to give you right now. And don't tolerate anyone who is a selfish partner- that goes for both in and out of the bed.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Codependency isn't the term for "every bad relationship" There are certain symptoms that apply to people who are codependent and addicted to the situation they find themselves in. Op, in his other thread, has admitted that after reading about CD that it applies to him. If his personality wasn't so codependent, then he would certainly have left at least two years ago knowing that he's not getting his needs met. It's his own issues that keep him there. This hasn't anything to do with her. (although she has obvious sexual issues that need to be addressed and fixed but, which won't ever get done as long as he stays and enables her to be sexless and orgasmically selfish.).

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Ah, I hadn't realized he was posting elsewhere at the same time. In this case it sounds like the lack of sex probably won't be addressed as long as the bigger issue still remains.

Have you thought of telling her that if she's not gonna give it up, you want permission to go outside the relationship for it?

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Have you thought of telling her that if she's not gonna give it up, you want permission to go outside the relationship for it?

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I dont like that suggeston, but its so true. Most men will definately start to look elsewhere if their not getting it from home or its not the kind that they like. I know this for a fact.

There's a difference between sneaking out and getting some on the side, and getting permission for it.

Chip why do you worry about hurting her when she has been hurting you by not wanting to be intimate? Your expectations are not being fulfilled, and she is repulsed by the thought of having sex with you...it's a no brainer you both are not right for each other.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Have you thought of telling her that if she's not gonna give it up, you want permission to go outside the relationship for it?

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That is a waste of time. It will just lead to the relationship being even more unhealthy and destructive. Sex is not the only issue in this relationship-there are other issues too and even if he is "getting it elsewhere" that still wont make him happy. He wants the intimacy that comes with a loving relationship. Not a half assed relationship and ****ing other girls on the side.

It may not be a waste of time though. If he doesn't ask however; he'll never know. They seem to be totally happy as a couple. Even if the relationship is codependent if both parties are happy in it, then who are we to tell them differently? Since their only issue seems to be the lack of sex, then perhaps she would be quite fine with him getting it elsewhere as long as there were rules in place and it was stricktly to supplement the physical side of their union.

Just because it's not something you or I would do, it doesn't mean that it would be a waste of time for them or that it wouldn't be agreed to and resolve the main issue of op's dissatisfaction. If after being asked about her view on supplementing and she doesn't agree, then it will likely, at least, sink in that he's not happy with what she's doing. At this point she doesn't seem to even care about how he's feeling.

Besides, how do you know it will only "make him happy?" For all we know, it could make her very happy that he stops "psestering" her for something she can obviously live without.

Why present your view on open relationships like it's gospel when you don't know anything about what would or would not be acceptable to them as a couple. If asking upsets her that much, if she doesn't want him supplmenting with others to cover her lacking, then she can shape up or ship out. It's that simple. If he doesn't want to do that, then He can come in an tell us that much on his own I'd think.

Bottomline: She can't suck and blow at the same time. Either get help for her lack of libido or farm it out to a woman that wants NSA. Or: end it or, stay and stfu whining that you're not getting any, Op.

Would it not be better to find a women who can give him everything she does as well as sex? The OP does not sound like someone who would get much out of "no strings sex" its not for everyone and hell probably just fall for the first girl and that will give him the push he needs to dump his current gf.. which is wrong. He should end it now

Let him decide that. He doesn't want to leave her He can't stand to see her upset and it is a simple suggestion that would allow him to keep her and enjoy sex as well. *snipped* If she doesn't want to do that, then op can decide whether or not to stay with her and be sexless or move on altogether, or do what too many codependents tend to do due to their fear of leaving and their addiction to the one that doesn't make them happy and supplement behind her back... eventually.

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That is a waste of time. It will just lead to the relationship being even more unhealthy and destructive. Sex is not the only issue in this relationship-there are other issues too and even if he is "getting it elsewhere" that still wont make him happy. He wants the intimacy that comes with a loving relationship. Not a half assed relationship and ****ing other girls on the side.

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Not really - even if she says "no", she will now know that he's serious about it. It may spur her to actually do something about it... or she'll break up with him, or he will. It's a win-win.

I still think the best thing he could do for himself is just end the relationship for good but its his choice.

Almost certainly - but what's the harm in trying? It wouldn't even take much time or effort.

Communication is better than no communication.

Just kill yourself.

If I was in such a situation, I would definitely end the relationship.
Naturally, I would explain the reasons for my decision. Communication is very important.

Staying in a relationship with this little intimacy when you need a lot more just doesn't make any sense. How long has this been going on?! Do you really think things might change at this point? Come on. Be honest with yourself here.

Nobody likes breaking up when you've loved each other and been together so long. Even for the dumper, it's usually one of the toughest things you have to go through in life. But what's the alternative? To spend the rest of your life in an unhappy relationship? To have the person find out ten years down the line that you've been lying to them all along? To break things off after you're married or have kids? As tough as breaking up with her may be, staying with somebody after it no longer makes sense to is a whole heck of a lot worse. You're basically lying to her and leading her on with a fake relationship just so you can hide from the truth. Breaking up with her would be really painful for the next few months. But then in another a year or so, you both would have had a chance to move on with your lives. You'd look back, realize the relationship wasn't meant to be, and be glad it's in the past. Or you could go on lying to her, feeling guilty about the thought of cheating on her, being miserable for many more years. The choice is entirely yours.

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Originally Posted by Chip123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This is the thing thoough, I can't break up with her. I don';t know why, but I just can't. I don't wanna hurt her.

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Why not...She's just hurting you.... and you don't want hurt her!!! Do you know your entire life will be that way? If the passion doesn't fires up now... when do you think it does? Pheraps when you will be old and bored? :astonish:

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