Seeking advice on sexting spouse
I've been with my husband for 3 and a half years, married for 2. He has a fetish that I've tried my best to accommodate and be open about and for the most part, I felt like he was very understanding about it. He gets very embarrassed whenever I "catch" him indulging his fetish but I honestly don't have a problem with it! My biggest fear, however, is that he won't be able to stand it any longer and leave me for someone who shares his interests.
Saturday night, I was trying to be helpful by taking his phone upstairs and putting it on charge because he had been out drinking and I thought he'd forget. I don't know what came over me, because I've never done it before, but for some reason I just decided to snoop about what apps he had open and noticed Whatsapp up. I had no idea who he would need to talk to using that so I went in to look. I discovered two separate conversations with girls that looked like he was flirting and talking about his fetish with. I honestly can't remember what exactly what was exchanged because my mind was racing. One looked really short but the other looked like it had been going on a while. I went down and asked him to come up and he did instantly because he could tell something was wrong and he later said he knew he had been caught. He had been sexting her the last couple months but was mostly giving her advice because she was new to the whole fetish thing and needed guidance. Apparently, he has talked like this with a few people online during the time we've been together but only recently took them offline. He said he had one phone call via their fetish website with her that was strictly advice and they didn't go into anything sexual and that was as far as it had gone. It was a long night of crying and begging him to show me the entire conversation because I thought that it would give me peace of mind to know that was indeed all that was going on and that he was telling the truth. Because he was embarrassed about the nature of what was said, he didn't want to show me and later deleted the app. Somehow, I do believe him that he would never physically cheat on me, but he didn't want to believe at first that what he was doing was emotionally cheating. He vowed to delete all of his accounts and videos associated with that world after messaging that girl to tell her the truth. He kept reminding me how much he loved me and how he wants to build a life with me and that this was the worst thing that could have ever happened. I can tell he regrets his actions because he said if I left, his life would have no meaning and there would be no reason to live but he keeps saying that it was his fetish that compelled him to take that conversation off the web and onto his phone. But, he did said that he knew it was wrong even though he still did it and that if I never found him out he would have continued having these conversations with people.
I still love him and I want to work through this, but I don't know how I can trust him again or forgive him because he broke my heart and made my biggest fear a reality. I cry whenever I look at him when we're alone and think about what he's done. I don't know how to behave around him and I feel like our whole relationship dynamic has changed. He is treading lightly around me, doting on me, and trying to make it up to me. Most of the time these past couple days I've tried to keep my mind off it (or not think about anything, really) because it hurts too much to think about. I'm just at a loss for what to do and need advice desperately, but can't speak to any of my friends because of the whole fetish thing and fear of what they'll think of him for doing this to me.
