Please help! My lack of trust has broken us up.

Hi,
And thank you for everyone who decides to read this.
I've been with my partner for 2 years now and I can truly say she is the best thing that ever happened to me. Up until last week she would also agree that we are great together. I had been married before this relationship and know that this is the girl I always wanted. She's a dream come true. I want to be open here, also with myself.

Last week, and for the second time in these 2 years, I had a trust issue which turned in a a massive over-reaction. I know now my reaction was totally out of order. My girlfriend seemed to have something to hide on her phone (guiltily hiding it when I came out of the bathroom). I know her well enough to know when something's not right. We had an argument and she claimed it was just her friend and didn't want to tell me that her friend was complaining about the wedding plans of a very good friend of mine. All very petty, I admit. But she also admitted she was wrong to hide it and behave like she did. Anyway, I was hurt and my doubt sensors were up. One week later she does the same thing - quickily hiding her phone when I came back from the bathroom in a bar. On asking if she has anything, she said no. Again, I know when she's lying and asked again if she's sure. This time it turns out that her ex had texted her, thanking her for the birthday wishes and that he's looking forward to an "update coffee".

Unfortunately, this info pushed me over the edge. I felt cheated in that moment. The birthday text she sent him had already been deleted but the thought that she would want to keep all this secret was too much at that moment. She probably wouldn't meet him right? But she was in the position (had I not seen the text) to make a decision and keep me out of it. That"s what I couldn't understand.

When we got home, unfortunately I gave my girlfriend a terrible night. I tried to throw her out of the apartment and as I couldn't sleep, I also disrupted her night too. I was loud and loud makes the whole situation aggressive. She was afraid of me. Alcohol played a role - in both our reactions but Im not blaming her for hers. The next day, I asked her to please go out, take a walk, some fresh air and think about whether she could have handled her part better. That no secrets belong in a relationship as good as ours. I was hoping she would give me the answers i wanted to hear even though it should have been me providing the answers to my behaviour. So she left, went straight to a friends house and told her side of the story there. A little later she came back and I was still angry and refused to let her home. Eventually I did after she said she really wanted to talk but needed a shower. She took the shower and ran away again. I scared her too much the night before. She came back with a friends boyfriend - there to kill me judging by his reaction.

Anyway, she left the next day for a planned holiday with the girls (none of whom have a particular affection for me) and yesterday, four days since this all happened, she called and says she wants me to leave the apartment before she gets back. She really doesn't care any more it seems. After 2 perfect years, she feels nothing at the moment. I can't move out. And the day before she gets back, I'm going away for a week too. It could be i come back to my stuff outside the door and the locks changed.

I know I'm in the wrong here and I'm prepared to help myself professionally if that's what it takes. I reacted aggressively, loud and downright stupidly. We will probably not have any contact these 2 weeks now, that's what she wants. Is there anything I can do to help get her back? What is she going through right now? Are the wonderful 2 years really gone? Is there nothing she will remember that will give her hope? I would be very, very grateful for any words of help. I love this lady more than anyone, ever. Surely our "We're the Best" motto is not gone forever... Thinking about us, Im probably so completely happy in this relationship that I'm afraid to lose it which might explain my reaction.

What should I do? Should I pack my bags, everything, so she sees I'm accepting her decision? I can't take anything with me until I'm back from my vacation a week after she gets back.

Please help...

Thank you.

Going-Home, there are a couple of things to consider before you keep pushing to get her back.

First up, the "no secrets" thing is completely unrealistic. If a friend confides a secret to her, she shouldn't have to tell you. I know things about my friends which I don't share with my husband - mainly because it doesn't effect him and it's not my story to tell anyway.

Second, I find it interesting that she's hiding her phone from you. It's like she thinks you may look in the history of her chat. Have you ever done this?

Third, you talk of the wonderful years you've had together - that she's a dream come true. But you also know when she's lying....which means she's lied before. What has she lied about previously? Also, have you ever gotten angry at her when she's been honest about something?

It's hard to say what she could be going through now. She could be devastated and mourning the relationship. Or she could be thanking her lucky stars she's seen this side to you now - before she wastes any more time on you. Or she could be having a rebound on her holiday. Anything is possible

I agree basiland thyme, mostly. The "no secrets" thing is unrealistic. But certain things need to be out in the open or not there at all. I wouldn't waste my time giving my attention to an ex and therefore creating the opportunity to meet up AND then make a secret of it. We all have a past, but in the present I want to give my attention to the one I love, not the one I lovED. If contact is necessary with an ex, it has to be in the open. Am I totally out of touch?

I have no history of looking at her phone. And the lying think is because, yes, she has a problem and had problems with another ex - problems that took her into therapy for depression. You make our love for each other side a little one-sided and that's not how it is. I also know she not having a rebound on holiday but she could well be thanking her lucky stars. Sadly, that's not the real me...

You're squeezing the life out of something you supposedly love; that's one sure way of killing the relationship and ensuring she never looks back.

You can have concerns and you can raise them - in a non threatening way. She doesn't want to be around you alone...you've clearly put her off big time.

Give her some space for now.

You were right to be paranoid and suspicious. I would say she is cheating on you and if not physically (yet)- definitely emotionally. She is hiding her phone, acting secretive and deleting her messages for a reason and you were right not to trust her.

However, you should not have frightened her or kicked her out onto the street like that. You should have packed her stuff, put her in a cab and sent her somewhere safe.

You screwed up big time. take your licks and move out. its over.

Oh, and get your crap outa there before she gets home, even if it means you have to put it in storage. Otherwise, you may find that it was removed for you while you were gone.

I had a boyfriend cheat on me with his ex, so I am very insecure with that because it hurt me so much. So I understand and would of flipped out too if my boyfriend had texted an ex happy birthday behind my back and then sent a text about meeting up. Whether they were or weren't going to meet up, it was inappropriate. But your reaction might have been too extreme. And things may Never go back to how they were because of it. Her hiding her phone could be very innocent and she deserves privacy. At least she was honest with you when u asked who texted her. If she really wanted to be secretive, she wouldn't of even told you. If you want to be with her again, the only thing you can do now is apologize, tell her you want her back, and then give her space to miss you or not miss you.

I don't think you have a trust issue - I think you've got a cheating GF issue. Unless of course as BnT suggested, you've blown up at her in the past over something she's being truthful about, and she doesn't trust you not to do it again. Otherwise, it's highly suspicious that she's hiding her phone quickly when you come in. If she weren't doing something she shouldn't, she'd simply finish the text and calmly put it away.

Frankly, if I were having a private text conversation with a friend of mine and my wife asked who/what I was texting with/about, I'd simply answer her with "Just chatting with C____ or L___" or whoever. I might add "It's personal stuff" and she'd leave it alone.

Its hard to trust someone when they're being untrustworthy. I think she checked out or was in the process of checking out long before you asked her to leave.

My suggestion: See someone professional about helping you with the way you react to things and while you work on yourself, forget her and find someone who doesn't act untrustworthy, someone who doesn't need to contact an ex lover to wish them happy birthday nor will they need to meet up for a "catchup coffee" behind your back.

I think this was meant to happen because you are not right for one another so concentrate on you and being the best you that you can be for the next lady who, hopefully will be a better fit for you.

First off, as a fellow cheater and a master at having to delete text msg, hide and write texts etc...her hiding her phone is a huge red flag. Of course she was going to come up with something clever like "talking about wedding plans and didn't want you to know" or whatever. She knows you well enough to know that you will ask her why she hid her phone. Also, booze = bad judgements on both your parts. She was probably feeling naughty, horny, evil and decided to text her ex at the bar while you were in the bathroom and you reacted aggressively due to alcohol which also crossed a line.
Even if she decided to get back together with you, most Likely she partied hard in her girls trip and met hot guys and who knows (whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas) Are you able to let go of the texting ex, lying, girls trip out etc. and not let these things haunt you? Most likely you won't be able to fully shake it off and may cause fights in the future. Bottom line is she is untrustworthy, do you want a cheater for a gf? And yes, the fact that she was going to meet up with an ex without your knowledge is cheating

Hi bc,
Thanks. I understand your message but Im still willing to accept that my girlfriend is more trustworthy than you portray her. I dont believe she's meeting hot guys on her trip, I really don't. Yes Im still disturbed by the fact that she got the text from him - he suggested the meet-up, i have no evidence she set it up. Whether she did or whether she would meet up or not, well, Im prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt. We're not teenagers either (we're in our mid and late thirties) and got real lucky to find each other I suppose. I generally trust her despite what's happened and would do anything to win her back. Im the bad one here - but dont really know if that knowledge helps her.

Dude being jealous in a relationship = fail. If she cheats then dump her, a women cheating on u doesn't make you less of a man, it makes her b I t c h. Being an insecure boyfriend makes u a lesser man. Don't carry baggage from past relationships into a new one and understand when u date a new girl make her understand that there is no way possible she wants another man because she has you, the best of the best. If she chooses another man chalk it up that she is an idiot and move on. Basically you need to have attitude that I dare you to cheat on me because if you do I'm gone and you will regret it the rest of your life, I'll just find a better women but you can't find a better man. Women like men being men and men like women being like women. It sometimes is that simple.

Under such circumstances like finding out your significant other may be up to no good without 100% proof, it's human nature to give the partner "the benefit of the doubt" because its a natural defense mechanism to avoid emotional trauma. People would rather look the other way or turn a blind eye. Reality is that she was talking to her ex (that is all the info you have), but just know that there is much, much more that you don't know than there is that you've caught her with.

I think that her hiding her phone could have been simply based on her expecting your boorish reaction, and she was right. I know this because (as we have previously discussed), my bf was abusive to me. I knew that I had to hide certain things from him or he'd get bent out of shape and start to berate me and cause a whole useless argument, name calling, yelling and threatening to break up with me when he didn't get his way. Very immature, as was your reaction. When I was on this forum writing, he came out a few times and I had to close the page, not because I was cheating or being dishonest, but because I was expecting his reaction to be negative and abusive.

Just because you feel that you have to focus on the one you love rather than your ex's doesn't mean everyone is like that. Some people still like to be friendly with people from their past and that's no reason to jump the jealousy gun.

I think you definitely have trust/jealousy and control/anger issues. You treated her like a child, telling her to go for a walk and think about how she could have handled it better, you may as well have told her to go sit in the corner and think about what she'd done. That's pretty insulting. Threatening to kick her out then refusing her access to her own home the next day is terrible. But you know all this.

If you're serious about therapy, then just go and do it. I don't know if your 2 weeks is up or not or if she'll want to come back to you, but you have to deal with your own issues before you can be a good man to her. You have to accept that she had a life before you and if you continue your behaviour, you'll drive her to cheat (if she already hasn't), or she simply just had enough already.

Anyway, you asked for my opinion, so there it is.

Thanks Ginger. You're very right, down to the word. I already have 2 appoints with a therapist before my girlfriend gets back and when Im back from my week it continues. Im awfully nervous to be honest but looking forward to try to change myself. It will be worth it - even if it doesnt get this girl back, which I truly hope isnt the case. How are you coping?

Things here are going well, I mean, we were supposed to go fishing today but the weather stopped us unfortunately, so we'll see each other tomorrow. We still spoke on the phone for about an hour and we'll talk before bed tonight. I'm doing fine, still wary of his promises, but he has his second therapy appointment tomorrow and intends on going. For me, the hurt is still there though because I can't just forget those memories, they will take time, love and caring to not be in the forefront of my mind.

Think about things this way too. If she takes you back and you haven't made any changes, you'll feel relief, but what's to stop you from reacting that way again? Nothing because you haven't worked on you. So even if she forgives, she won't forget and she'll be walking even more on eggshells with you and quicker to leave if something goes wrong. Even if she does forgive, I still think you ought to seek therapy and do what you can to improve yourself as an adult male. You'll have such a better relationship (with her or with another woman) if you can let go of the issues that are holding you back from experiencing true bliss and happiness in a loving and trusting relationship.

Again, I agree totally. And it sounds like YOU are going the right way about things. If your partner really is doing his therapy, and it works, then Im sure you have a lot of love ahead of you. I truly envy your strength and hope your boyfriend comes up with the goods. I know you're walking on eggshells and kind of waiting for the slightest mistake but is it still possible therefore to have hopes and feelings? How do you do it? Deep down, you must know this is a special guy but at the same time you are pushing those emotions away. Im not doubting your integrity (hope it doesnt sound that way) Im really just tryng to understand emotions as Ive never been in such a disastrous situation as the one Im (or we"re) in at the moment. Even my marriage break up was easier than this! (Marriage ended mutually as the steam ran out basically. No issues).

Thank you :) I am being strong because I'm 45 and I am not getting any younger. There are lots of men out there and I have lately realized there is no point in settling for one who makes me feel bad about myself. Yes I love him, but I've loved before and I can love again. I don't believe in "the one" or "soul mates". But I can see he and I together until we are old and toothless! (if he learns to control his temper)

I certainly have hopes and feelings, I've told him how I feel, that I want this to work because I'm so attached to him and love him to bits, but yes, I'm wary because I'm certainly ready for him to blow up at me again, and if that happens I'll be gone for good. That's what's keeping my emotions from overflowing, the thought that I'll have to leave and go through the pain I felt again the last 2 weeks.

It's about trust. I have lots of love for him, when he showed his sweet side, he was very affectionate and loving, we both want the same things in life, have the same hobbies we enjoy and almost exactly the same taste in music, movies and comedy. We're both introverts and not very social, we both have disowned our family members and have both suffered childhood abuse. Neither of us needs a big group of friends to feel whole, and we love just sitting with each other and talking. We clicked on an intellectual level due to our love for the environment, science and history...we are extremely compatible in bed too. It's just his anger and lack of controlling it that ruined it all.

In order to protect myself I HAVE to keep my emotions in check because I myself have depression and suffer an emotional mood disorder. I'm struggling each day not to run into his arms and let him hug me and tell me he's changed, he loves me and all will be okay. But I can't because I let him off easy before and he continued the abusive behaviour. I just cannot go through that again, because it hurts too much, it destroys a little piece of my self-esteem each time, so I have to put a wall up until I feel he really is serious about changing himself. I don't have a time frame, I just have to go day by day.

The only way to rebuild trust in this situation is for him to show me new behaviours when his temper flares, for us to spend quality time together and for us to communicate everything in a rational and mature way. We've only just begun and it will take time.

You would make a good counsellor. So many people would throw that away. It's great to hear, honestly.

Im also 'older' :) 42, and my girlfriend is 5 years younger. And like you, totally at ease in our own company rather than others. My girlfriend is probably a little more introverted than me and I love to make my girl feel good and confident about herself and long to have the chance to do it again. I have to say, Ive not given my girlfriend a history of abuse here... I scared her this time by trying to throw her out - and, as Ive mentioned, we were both doing some pushing. I was childish taking her phone, without a doubt but there's not a history of this from me I promise. Everyone's different. I really hope she can go through the same thought processes as you but Im afraid her friends might not allow that.

Thanks for sharing your state of mind and if you have anything else, let us know. You've helped me a lot - and without saying one nice thing about me! :) Only joking...

OP did you react badly to other minor things before these two occasions? You havnt given any reason so far to imply that her hiding her phone was justified. Its easy to pile all the blame on yourself coz of how yu reacted BUT what was the relationship like before that outburst?

You cant just brush her secretive behaviour under the carpet unless you had been overly possessive before that

Hi Michelle,
I have reacted overly possesive before yes but only once before did I snap like I did last weekend... This weekend was the worst moment. Pushing, like I mentioned. The possisive behaviour that arose before was for not telling the whole truth for example - she had a bad back, bumped into an an ex who does yoga and couldve helped. She told me she'd bumped into him and just said hello. 2 weeks later he texts her asking if she wants the treatment he'd offered when they bumped into each other. My argument there was that she really should of told me everything an not just "we said hi"... So i was the bad one again for reacting. We happen to live in a smallish city where bumping into someone is probably unavoidable. She's not seeing these guys, Im sure of that... But the secrecy and as little info as possible policy she has has wound me up in the past... Culminating in last weekends events. So as it stands right now, Im still brushing her secretive behaviour under the carpet.
As Ive also said, the relationship generally is great. Easy even. Very harmonious. Our routines are so simple most people would call us pretty boring but it's anything but!

Like Ginger, I've had a possessive/controlling boyfriend before and it was a nightmare. I tried staying for his qualities and there were plenty of those...but I was forced to leave because I got tired of 'sneaking' around when I was doing absolutely nothing wrong or disloyal.

If I went out with friends, I'd get interrogated. If I was on the phone or texting, more interrogation. If I simply didn't feel like meeting up because I was dead tired, I got an attitude. He once kept me up until 6 am (on a work day) ranting and raving and being dissatisfied with every response I could give them; I would involuntarily fall asleep, he would wake me to continue the tirade. It was like torture...and the following day, while at work, I just snapped and thought 'no, that's it'.

Not only is jealousy and controlling behavior off-putting, it's also exhausting and makes the other person want to avoid you and avoid telling you anything. It's okay to have an issue, it's okay to discuss it...but it's not okay to hold someone hostage for hours, unable to self-sooth yourself or accept anything they say. Arguments that last over a certain amount of time are futile; people get tired, frustrated and annoyed. So, learning healthier ways to discuss problems should be on the cards.

You sound like you really care about her so I hope you can fix things.