'toy boy' problem

I'm 40 years old and have worked in the same largish office for over 10 years, I'm quite senior.

6 months ago, a 19-year old trainee came to work for us. I felt sorry for him, because he's a bit of a geek really - glasses, geekish dress sense, doesn't drink or go to clubs, lives with his parents etc - and he was getting a bit of stick from the other girls for it, who were calling him 'Mr Bean' and things. Because I felt sorry for him - I was a real geek at school and had a lot of bullying - I went out of my way to be friendly, in a supervisory kind of way, and make him feel not so awkward. I'm not his direct manager btw, but I've helped him out on a few things. 3 months ago, there was only us two in the office and we were working, but chatting together generally as well, and out of the blue, he kissed me on the lips. This is where I was really stupid - I've been single for 5 years and only had a couple of one-night stands in that time, and I actually felt quite excited, so instead of pushing him away, and telling him off, I carried things on, and we ended up having sex - it wasn't that sexy, it was more or less fully clothed and very quick and immediately afterwards I felt it was all wrong, but I tried to be as kind as possible telling him we both needed to go home and forget about it.

Then he started hanging around me at work like a love sick puppy, I had to tell him not to bother me in work as people will talk, which was when he told me that it had been his first time, which kind of made me feel worse. He actually is really sweet natured and I was flattered by the attention really, so I actually invited him back to my house and he spent the night with me. That was 3 months ago and he's been visiting me every weekend, whilst keeping his distance at work.

Now I feel really trapped - he's now saying things like that he loves me and he wants us to start 'going out' together. I don't love him, I'm twice his age, but I do care about him and his feelings, which is why I became friendly with him in the first place. I'll sound like a selfish bitch now but I'm also hooked on sex with him, it's like he's learning with me and I'm really enjoying it now - probably cause he's young and fit and enthusiastic and sex with him makes me feel young again. I don't know what to do. I'm looking at other jobs to get away and then maybe end the relationship then but I don't want him to be broken hearted - I#ve had my heard broken enough by guys, in my experience men are so tough they're the ones who just use and don't care, but I feel I've given him hopes of a relationship and happy ever after but I don't want that. I want to find someone nice and kind who's MY OWN AGE. :(

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Originally Posted by miss_c [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I want to find someone nice and kind who's MY OWN AGE. :(

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Here's some advice:
1. Don't shag someone from work - it'll end in tears.
2. Don't shag someone who's half your age - that's just desperate.
3. With the internet getting in the dating game is easy peasy. I'm an old fart of 49 and last year found myself a nice shiny new girlfriend thanks to online dating sites. So why can't you? The fact that you've been single for 5 years kind of implies that you have some kind of problem re dating.

Why the hell did you put yourself in this position? I know you say you "tried" to help him but I'm not buying that. You're old enough to know better and yes, it was desperate on your part.

I'd say just say communicate to him that you do care about him but it's not going to work. You want someone your age and it was fun while it lasted and you're not going to continue a relationship with him. It's really that simple. Just as easy as it was getting him, its just as easy to get rid of him.

I remember when I worked in offices and its like each offices, 3 of which I worked, I had a rendezvous with someone and one guy was whoring around, the other guy, I left him for my ex boyfriend and the other guy moved to another state but he wasn't no better. He had a gf that worked there but I didn't care. I was all about myself, scandalous back in the day but at that time I was 18, still growing. In other words, you should know better.

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Originally Posted by miss_c [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm 40 years old and have worked in the same largish office for over 10 years, I'm quite senior.

6 months ago, a 19-year old trainee came to work for us. I felt sorry for him, because he's a bit of a geek really - glasses, geekish dress sense, doesn't drink or go to clubs, lives with his parents etc - and he was getting a bit of stick from the other girls for it, who were calling him 'Mr Bean' and things. Because I felt sorry for him - I was a real geek at school and had a lot of bullying - I went out of my way to be friendly, in a supervisory kind of way, and make him feel not so awkward. I'm not his direct manager btw, but I've helped him out on a few things. 3 months ago, there was only us two in the office and we were working, but chatting together generally as well, and out of the blue, he kissed me on the lips. This is where I was really stupid - I've been single for 5 years and only had a couple of one-night stands in that time, and I actually felt quite excited, so instead of pushing him away, and telling him off, I carried things on, and we ended up having sex - it wasn't that sexy, it was more or less fully clothed and very quick and immediately afterwards I felt it was all wrong, but I tried to be as kind as possible telling him we both needed to go home and forget about it.

Then he started hanging around me at work like a love sick puppy, I had to tell him not to bother me in work as people will talk, which was when he told me that it had been his first time, which kind of made me feel worse. He actually is really sweet natured and I was flattered by the attention really, so I actually invited him back to my house and he spent the night with me. That was 3 months ago and he's been visiting me every weekend, whilst keeping his distance at work.

Now I feel really trapped - he's now saying things like that he loves me and he wants us to start 'going out' together. I don't love him, I'm twice his age, but I do care about him and his feelings, which is why I became friendly with him in the first place. I'll sound like a selfish bitch now but I'm also hooked on sex with him, it's like he's learning with me and I'm really enjoying it now - probably cause he's young and fit and enthusiastic and sex with him makes me feel young again. I don't know what to do. I'm looking at other jobs to get away and then maybe end the relationship then but I don't want him to be broken hearted - I#ve had my heard broken enough by guys, in my experience men are so tough they're the ones who just use and don't care, but I feel I've given him hopes of a relationship and happy ever after but I don't want that. I want to find someone nice and kind who's MY OWN AGE. :(

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Just be honest with him. Give him the mom talk about relationships and how he needs to understand that feelings are not always mutual. Explain everything to him how and why it happened with you two. Don't say things like "mistake" or "it was wrong", tell him he is at a different place in his life where he should be dating a girl, eventually getting married and having children...that is something you can't give him....put the focus more on him so he doesn't feel too rejected....you could suggest being friends, and stop socializing out of work. Yes he will be heart broken BUT hopefully your words will make sense to him.

If he struggles, maybe we can have a chat with him.

What exactly do you want? Are you trying to make it to where you continue having sex indefinitely with no strings attached? I don't think very many guys would object to that. Especially at 19. It's been awhile since I was that young but when I was I literally can't remember a single male my age who would've been like "WHAT?? ONLY SEX?! NO RELATIONSHIP?! NO I CAN'T HANDLE IT YOU SELFISH BITCH HOW COULD YOU STRING ME ALONG LIKE THIS???!!"

If you don't still want his cock then I guess just do what the other posters are saying

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Originally Posted by dickriculous [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What exactly do you want? Are you trying to make it to where you continue having sex indefinitely with no strings attached? I don't think very many guys would object to that. Especially at 19. It's been awhile since I was that young but when I was I literally can't remember a single male my age who would've been like "WHAT?? ONLY SEX?! NO RELATIONSHIP?! NO I CAN'T HANDLE IT YOU SELFISH BITCH HOW COULD YOU STRING ME ALONG LIKE THIS???!!"

If you don't still want his cock then I guess just do what the other posters are saying

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Well this is the thing. I do enjoy him coming round, I do enjoy the sex. I've had enough men who've only been after one thing to make a judgement on men as a whole, and I'm not even that attractive, many men just want the physical act and I'm discovering that's not a terrible thing, as I'm feeling like that right now - I have sex with someone I don't love but I enjoy it. But I've had two married men come onto me at various times, one a husband of a friend of mine, and I said no emphatically both times cause I felt myself likely to fall for them, but would never be more than a bit on the side.

I guess with a 19 year old, it felt like I was in control for once, but then it turns out I'm not because he wants me to 'go out' with him as a couple and seems to see me now as his 'girlfriend'. On the face of it, I'm guessing he'd have a hard time attracting girls his own age because he doesn't drink, because he doesn't like nightclubs and he looks like the typical 'geek' you see on tv... I've tried to get him to get rid of his specs and go with contacts for a start, that would help him.

Yes, I should know better and I probably am desperate - but I don't want to put pics of myself on some dating site and have all the weirdos within 30 miles wanting to date me. Guys my own age I like and am attracted to are always the married types now, I spent too much time when I was in my 20s chasing the 'bad boys' that I didn't think when I was 40 I'd want to settle down. But it feels like if a man isn't married by 40, there's something wrong with him. In the meantime, if I could just have guilt free sex with him for however long it takes for him to find a proper girlfriend, I'd take that - and you probably all hate me for saying it. He just seems more sensitive that the usual neanderthals I've ended up with, and that's why I care about him. I guess I need to talk seriously about how I can't be his 'girlfriend' but the positives that could be out there for him and see how that goes. Thanks smackie9 for that advice.

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Originally Posted by miss_c [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Lots of words

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Why would we hate you for whatever you want to do with this kid? He might hate you in the end, but we won't hate you. At some point you'll have to set him straight on what you want, and he'll either be okay with that, or he won't. Or play like he's okay with it until he wants something more...

And as for guys not being married by age 40 having something wrong with them??? Are you saying since you're 40 and not married theres something wrong with you? Obviously the men your age you've met that are married are trying to cheat on their wives, so that wouldn't bode well for their relationships. Had their wives found out, they probably wouldn't be married anymore.

You don't have to go on dating sites to date... theres a lot of places you could go. Point being, you pretend like you want to stop the relationship with this kid, but you don't want to try anything else to meet other guys, so just be honest with yourself about it.

If you want some kid for sex, then just do what you have to do to achieve that, even if its stringing him along and hurting his feelings. If you want something more, then lose the stigma and start finding other guys to date. The only other options are to actually have a relationship with the kid, or be alone again.

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Originally Posted by miss_c [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well this is the thing. I do enjoy him coming round, I do enjoy the sex. I've had enough men who've only been after one thing to make a judgement on men as a whole, and I'm not even that attractive, many men just want the physical act and I'm discovering that's not a terrible thing, as I'm feeling like that right now - I have sex with someone I don't love but I enjoy it. But I've had two married men come onto me at various times, one a husband of a friend of mine, and I said no emphatically both times cause I felt myself likely to fall for them, but would never be more than a bit on the side.

I guess with a 19 year old, it felt like I was in control for once, but then it turns out I'm not because he wants me to 'go out' with him as a couple and seems to see me now as his 'girlfriend'. On the face of it, I'm guessing he'd have a hard time attracting girls his own age because he doesn't drink, because he doesn't like nightclubs and he looks like the typical 'geek' you see on tv... I've tried to get him to get rid of his specs and go with contacts for a start, that would help him.

Yes, I should know better and I probably am desperate - but I don't want to put pics of myself on some dating site and have all the weirdos within 30 miles wanting to date me. Guys my own age I like and am attracted to are always the married types now, I spent too much time when I was in my 20s chasing the 'bad boys' that I didn't think when I was 40 I'd want to settle down. But it feels like if a man isn't married by 40, there's something wrong with him. In the meantime, if I could just have guilt free sex with him for however long it takes for him to find a proper girlfriend, I'd take that - and you probably all hate me for saying it. He just seems more sensitive that the usual neanderthals I've ended up with, and that's why I care about him. I guess I need to talk seriously about how I can't be his 'girlfriend' but the positives that could be out there for him and see how that goes. Thanks smackie9 for that advice.

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Really? You think EVERY guy around your age who isn't married is some weirdo with nothing but damaged goods to offer? What does that say about you? You're 40 and unmarried right? Are you as harsh with yourself and your own gender as you are on men? Or are you, perhaps, living proof that your generalization is not true of everyone who's 40 and not married?

Maybe I'm misreading some of your words but with your first paragraph about passing judgment about men as a whole, your sweeping generalization about unmarried men, and referring to men as neanderthals, it kind of sounds as if you have issues with the male gender as a whole, and if so I have to wonder if that's exactly what's driving the good men away from you. I used to have preconceptions of women that they were all dirty whores with no sense of honor who would stab you in the back if you showed it to them and guess what? That became exactly the type of women I attracted into my life. This is what life coaches mean when they say that you magnetize that which you focus on in life, your subconscious nudges you in the direction of making it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less if you continue sexing up this boy toy of yours. It's YOUR pussy, do whatever you want with it. However, an honest talk with him about how you can't have a committed relationship with him is for the best right now. You KNOW he is expecting a relationship out of this, he has made that CLEAR to you. You can either keep letting that problem sprout, give in and commit to him, or set the record straight. I think you already know what the least of all evils here is.

Edit: Here is an old post of mine where I go in depth about what I'm talking about in that second paragraph

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I went through a phase in my early twenties where I basically viewed all women as whores, I allowed a few shitty ones that I allowed into my life to make my views toward them one-sided and cynical. I said many of the same things about them that you're saying about men "Why do they cheat? Why are we men so loyal and women such cheating whores with no sense of loyalty? Why do women have no honor?" etc.

My views toward women during this time were pretty extreme, I basically saw them as good for absolutely nothing but sex, the idea of romance, love, and committing to one was a joke to me.

Now what type of women do you suppose I attracted into my world with the attitude toward them that I had? The only valid answer is exactly the ones that would reinforce my preconceptions of them.

Here's how this works. You take on an idea, any idea. In this case it's "women are reprobatory whores there for me to use". You allow this belief to become deeply ingrained into your subconscious. It gets reinforced a bit because, let's be honest, every single one of us has dealt with shitty members of the opposite sex. You hold to this belief stronger because of that. The belief becomes so deeply rooted that you begin (subconsciously) pushing anyone and anything that could undermine this belief away from you, in my case it was the good women - the ones I may have actually wanted to commit to. The belief then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - as my focus on that aspect of womanhood became laser-like and tunnel visioned, I drew that aspect of womanhood toward me like a magnet. The more of that aspect of womanhood I drew toward me, the more my negative preconceptions of women were reinforced and the more they were reinforced, the more I unknowingly drew myself toward the worst of what womanhood had to offer. It's a vicious cycle and it can go on forever if you let it. The decent girls I met at this point in my life were few and far between largely because of this, and even the decent ones I would nitpick for things to judge in order to reinforce my prejudice - and believe me, when you have this negative of an attitude toward a group of people it's not hard to find things about them to demonize, even the very best of them.

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I go on a bit more but that should be enough to get the idea.

Leave the poor kid alone and don't ever think of dating someone that young again. He's a kid. He isn't in love with you, he's just infatuated with you - he doesn't even know what love is! This is disgusting. You are hurting him every single time you agree to have sex with him. You should stop this immediately.

Well you both enjoying sex so theres nothing wrong. Agree that he dont know what love is. So you shouldnt be afraid from his "love". At his age love is more sexual while at yours its more spiritual. Anyway you are not hurting him as long as you dont stop feeding his sex addiction. Man cant go backwards sexually. Just like woman cant go back in lifestyle. Anyway you are enjoying sex too so stoping it dont make sense. Now you both can have nothing or at least eachother while you both need it. Months maybe years but guy will realise that theres other girls out there and he were really inexpierienced with you so guy will want to try other girls too. If you want him to leave you then help guy even more with his geekiness and once he is normal he will leave you. This is common scenario - girl meets nerd and change his style and everything so he becomes cool and then he just leaves the girl(I think its because of the sudden attention from other girls).

While others were calling him Bean you saw potencial in him and now his life is like porn movie. So you did something good too along the way.

If you really have to leave kid then at least give him some directions for futher life, some advices so hes not fcked up completly.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. No I haven't had it out with him yet, yes he still comes round on Saturday night and yes he still stays the night.

One thing I'm finding is that apart from enjoying sex, we really don't have a lot in common. He's very much into serious theatre, art and classical music. Obviously most girls his age are night clubbers and big drinkers, and he likes me because at least Im past that stage and prefer to stay in on a Saturday night. He watches 'Strictly Come Dancing' with me and says he likes it but I think he really thinks it's beneath him. I actually used to be one of those girls he hates, when I was 19,20 I used to be out drinking and dancing every night, and I'm not intellectual now, just older and quieter - I like the tv dancing contest, the soaps, comedians, celeb chat shows, cheesy films. So I think he'll start to twig soon that we're not compatible out of bed. He's actually bought 2 tickets for the theatre for next week and Im thinking wheres the harm in going, then letting him know it really isnt my thing and it kind of lets him down gently. I do care about him, I wish I could find him a 19 year old girl who loves classical music, doesn't drink and enjoys the theatre because I want him to be happy. If he decides on his own bat that Im not intellectual enough for him it might be the better way. He will never be cool, I can't make him get into Glastonbury or nightclubs or what the others his age are into, so he needs to find someone who can share his interests.

I'm sorry to offend but I don't ever initiate sex, he always does, and if we're both enjoying it its difficult to say 'no let's not do this'. Its maybe selfish of me but I think as he sees the real me isnt maybe up to his imagination of his 'ideal girl' he will hopefully come to see the sex for what it is, fun between consenting adults.

I thought he wasn't interested in nightclubs, so why would he need to find someone who "shares" that interest? I think you like him but you don't want to because he's younger. You're deluding yourself about his feelings as well so you don't feel bad about whatever it is you are doing. He's not gonna let you go easy. This will be an interesting one to watch, please keep us updated.

I mean shares his interests - classical music, art and theatre. He really ought to join a classical music club or something, I don't know if they exist. with the internet I thought you could find friends to share any interest not necessarily a dating site but its not something Ive discussed with him - I guess there'll be a time later.

Yes I do *like* him because he's kind and gentle, but apart from his age he is so intellectual - I can't follow what he's on about sometimes, he quotes books I've never heard of, wants to visit some art gallery in Italy, its not something I could ever share. He just likes me for now because I dont laugh at him for not drinking or not dancing to the latest club hit I think.

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Originally Posted by miss_c [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't ever initiate sex, he always does, and if we're both enjoying it its difficult to say 'no let's not do this'.

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You aren't dogs, you can stop it from happening. Just don't put yourself in situations in which he can initiate sex, for example. What you're doing is wrong, you are denying him the joy of first experiencing sex with a person his own age, who can grow and discover with him.

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Its maybe selfish of me but I think as he sees the real me isnt maybe up to his imagination of his 'ideal girl' he will hopefully come to see the sex for what it is, fun between consenting adults.

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So you basically admit that you know that he still doesn't know what sex actually means, because of the naivety that comes with his youth. I can't believe this, it's so disgusting. Sorry but it's the truth. Just stop it, as soon as possible, poor kid.

Ask his mother what you should do with him. Or did she leave him when he was young?

He lives with his parents, they don't seem to mind him spending Saturday nights elsewhere but I guess most 19 year olds do anyway. I certainly dont want to meet them.

BTW: I think what you're doing to this boy is emotional abuse.

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Originally Posted by searock [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You aren't dogs, you can stop it from happening. Just don't put yourself in situations in which he can initiate sex, for example. What you're doing is wrong, you are denying him the joy of first experiencing sex with a person his own age, who can grow and discover with him.

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I have replied to you, but for some reason it needs to be moderated - maybe because I mentioned the disgusting behaviour of the girls (and guys) his own age round here, which is more likely to intimidate him than anything else. I'm talking substance abuse etc, it's gone very chavvy here in recent years. So how is he going to meet anyone suitable his own age amongst that lot?

He really ought to have gone to University, but he didnt enjoy school so didn't want any more education. But somewhere like London or Oxford I think hed meet like minded people.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

BTW: I think what you're doing to this boy is emotional abuse.

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I realise this has become a problem, I do care about him. Maybe I should go to the theatre with him and then have the talk about how different we are.

I'm already thinking I might go to my own parents this weekend so I have a reason for not seeing him. I know enjoying the sex is selfish, but then he's enjoying it too. And he is 19 and a damn site more mature than my recent boyfriends-

one who worked in finance and had his mates round sniffing you know what;
one was arrested for stabbing someone in a brawl about football;
a policeman! what could be more responsible than that, but he got suspended for allegedly hitting a suspect against the side of the van. He told them it was an accident, he told me 'the **** deserved it'

And dont forget the hit and run merchant who'll be lovely as anything until theyve had you then you never hear from them again.

I finished with all of these, I'm sick of 'macho men', so to be with someone sensitive for a change, well maybe I need that too. Sorry.

*sniffs* I smell your troll.

I think you need to let him know what this actually IS between you two....never assume things are OK if you just drift along.....you are being non-confrontational, totally avoiding this whole thing with him.....you better have a talk with him before you are too knee deep, I'm not telling you to stop enjoying sex with him...you are two consenting adults BUT he should know where you stand with this arrangement...and you need to set up some boundaries, like him not coming over every Saturday, that he should ask if you want the weekend to go to something else...learn to say "sorry not tonight".

I think she should learn to tell herself that never mind him.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

BTW: I think what you're doing to this boy is emotional abuse.

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Well I dont agree with this. Guy could easly be together with some 19 -21 year old who would tread him like a shit and just using his dick. And once they couldnt get sex from him he would be nothing for them. Its not like younger girl couldnt do the same and have sex with a guy while not being completly honest. Its just if you are older then everything is your fault in relationship even if its not. She kissed guy only once and it was he who started sex and came back for more. He choosed to play his part and be a man for this woman.

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Originally Posted by miss_c [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So how is he going to meet anyone suitable his own age amongst that lot?

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That is not your problem. Just stay the hell out of his life.