Need Advice about my Husband

Hi guysI need your honest advice and opinion regarding my husband I put this relationship in a small nutshell as possible so please read and give me your advice thanks

I am a 43 year old black woman who married a 27 year old indian guy online he lives in india.

so about 3 years ago met my husband online, while with me he married another woman then confessed to it 11 months later crying. He said he was forced into the marriage according to his indian hindu culture.

Anyway last year he was in drug rehab for about 10 months and I couldnt talk to him for those 10 months. They say they don't allow I don't know why. So I thought he was not in rehab but probably with his ex-wife. This is only what I thought no proof of this but just explaining why i got lonely and started the online fling. And so I got lonely and started to talk to someone else online. online fling only but we exchanged naughty pictures online.

*so now he's in rehab again and he found out about 2 months ago that I had the online fling and so he got so hurt and angry and I begged him for forgiveness and assured him that it was online only and that the online fling ended in 3 weeks

Anyway now I'm trying to contact him in drug rehab and his sister and nobody is answering my calls or calling me back. Now I think they are giving me the run around I can't get in touch with him I don't know if he's avoiding me or what plus he's 27 and i'm black and 43 what do you think I should do? He wanted me to apply for him to come to America but I didn't apply yet because of all our problems and now his family has been telling him why your wife don't apply for you? She must have another man there in america with her that's why she don't apply.

Anyway bottom line is I can't reach my husband and nobody is calling me back. What should I do? We are officially married in the Indian church and court system there. What should I do? Please help i do love him and tried so hard to ask for forgiveness and to reach out but anyway Ive been the one spending my money on him. He has done nothing for me money wise but I don't care about money I love him but in anycase I do want you guys honest opinion as to what I should do please help thanks

I remember you posted here a while ago about issues you were having with him. I always assumed you were younger, in your early twenties. I can't imagine a woman your age, seasoned with experience like yourself going thru this. It comes off as nothing short of desperate. Sorry darling.

Divorce and move on with your life already. I know it's easier said then done but its been messy from the get go. Hope you learned something. Now move on.

Indian courthouse? What? Whatever, forget about this whole thing. Leave that bullshit right in India. Total joke.

Something sounds very fishy. I wouldn't trust your husband and contact someone else, a liaison to aid you instead.

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Originally Posted by Starnique [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I remember you posted here a while ago about issues you were having with him. I always assumed you were younger, in your early twenties. I can't imagine a woman your age, seasoned with experience like yourself going thru this. It comes off as nothing short of desperate. Sorry darling.

Divorce and move on with your life already. I know it's easier said then done but its been messy from the get go. Hope you learned something. Now move on.

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I agree with this poster.... DITTO

Wait.....just checking if I read this right....did you marry him in person or over the internet??? I'm pretty sure that's not legit. If you tried to apply for him to come to the US I don't think your marriage would be considered legal, and he would never get here anyway. When I married MY Indian (ex) husband IN PERSON I still had to go through a ton of paperwork telling how we met and documenting our wedding and how long we'd cohabitated to prove that the marriage was legit and he wasn't just using or paying me to get legal status. He was already living and working here. So.....I just don't see this happening for you. Why don't you test his love and go to India and see if he'll marry you for real in his OWN country?? I will bet you he won't be down for that.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wait.....just checking if I read this right....did you marry him in person or over the internet??? I'm pretty sure that's not legit. If you tried to apply for him to come to the US I don't think your marriage would be considered legal, and he would never get here anyway. When I married MY Indian (ex) husband IN PERSON I still had to go through a ton of paperwork telling how we met and documenting our wedding and how long we'd cohabitated to prove that the marriage was legit and he wasn't just using or paying me to get legal status. He was already living and working here. So.....I just don't see this happening for you. Why don't you test his love and go to India and see if he'll marry you for real in his OWN country?? I will bet you he won't be down for that.

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WOW didn't you read my post above where I said we got married in the Indian church IN INDIA and certifide stamped sealed and approved in the Indian court house IN CHANDIGARH INDIA? If you didn't read then maybe you should. The only thing I said about the internet was that I met him on the internet 3 years ago but we just recently got married this year

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Originally Posted by somehelp4me [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Something sounds very fishy. I wouldn't trust your husband and contact someone else, a liaison to aid you instead.

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I'm worried too NOBODY is answering or returning my calls. I don't know if they're avoiding me or plotting. What do you think and what should I do?

Fly to India. If this man is your husband & you think he's in trouble, why are you on the computer instead of a plane?

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Originally Posted by somehelp4me [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Something sounds very fishy. I wouldn't trust your husband and contact someone else, a liaison to aid you instead.

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I agree with this poster...

I'm all for relationships that reach out past difficulties for the purposes of finding a love that lasts a lifetime, but this seems a bit too complicated and fishy to me...

For example, why are you the only one providing? I know that you don't care about money, and I agree whole-heartedly with that. But, at the same time, a relationship is meant to be equal- where both are never to take without giving at least as much as they receive and never take the other for granted. To me, it sounds a bit like he's taking you for granted, considering all you do for him. I'm sorry if this is tough to take, but look at the facts; you support him and throughout this whole time, he could never bother to use any of that money to come see you. Why?

Not to mention, he uses drugs. This is his second time in rehab. I can completely understand that drugs are hard to kick once you're addicted, as a next door neighbor of mine lost a son to them, but how do you know that the money you give him isn't supporting his habit? In addition, you've never met in person... How do you know if your marriage is even legal or that he's being faithful?

Don't get me wrong; online relationships can work, but it's rare. And on top of that, if you've never met in person, it can lead to massive disappointment when you finally are together.

Bottom Line: Having him come to America is the worst idea ever for you, in my opinion. I would move on and let it go. I know it's hard to handle, especially with the feelings you carry, but it sounds like he's using you, as it's all too coincidental that he's pushing to come to America right now instead of earlier when things were a little bit more stable...

Good luck, though, with everything.

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Originally Posted by Prescious [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm worried too NOBODY is answering or returning my calls. I don't know if they're avoiding me or plotting. What do you think and what should I do?

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Your flag says you are in the USA so I would contact the Embassy for India and like I said work with a liaison who can work on your behalf to sort this out, because if you are legally married to this man you have rights, and way things are going with this marriage I would work quickly to annul it.
Could contact your areas congressman, or woman too and they can work through the Embassy for you.

http://www.immihelp.com/directory/indianconsulatesusa.html

Google links for where you live.

Married him online in India? You're in the U.S.? Then he married someone else?

Either you're mentally challenged, or a really poor troll. You pick.

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Originally Posted by Prescious [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

WOW didn't you read my post above where I said we got married in the Indian church IN INDIA and certifide stamped sealed and approved in the Indian court house IN CHANDIGARH INDIA? If you didn't read then maybe you should. The only thing I said about the internet was that I met him on the internet 3 years ago but we just recently got married this year

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Um, no. Please point out the part where you said you got married IN INDIA. All you said is that "We are officially married in the Indian church and court system there." Which means you could've just got some under-the-table paperwork done. Which is totally something I could see happening there.

Anyways, I don't know why you're putting up with this drah-ma. He married someone else, regardless of whether it's the truth or it was forced or not, either HE doesn't see your marriage as legitimate or his family doesn't. Or maybe all of them. Who knows. This is sketchy and you need to get out. For god sake, don't bring him to the US. He'll probably just run off on you as soon as he has his citizenship and leave you in the lurch. If you think that's not a possibility, you need to wake up. Indians marry overseas Indians and that come over and divorce them later when they have citizenship.....seriously, happens more than you think.

Omg. What are you doing wasting your life on him for? Jeez he married another woman and your still there? Go and get help for your co-dependency issues and divorce this asshole. Rehab for 9months? His new young wife had a new baby Nd your husband is a narcissist. I thought women your age had more sense and im amazed that this forum can still shock me.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wait.....just checking if I read this right....did you marry him in person or over the internet??? I'm pretty sure that's not legit. If you tried to apply for him to come to the US I don't think your marriage would be considered legal, and he would never get here anyway. When I married MY Indian (ex) husband IN PERSON I still had to go through a ton of paperwork telling how we met and documenting our wedding and how long we'd cohabitated to prove that the marriage was legit and he wasn't just using or paying me to get legal status. He was already living and working here. So.....I just don't see this happening for you. Why don't you test his love and go to India and see if he'll marry you for real in his OWN country?? I will bet you he won't be down for that.

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Wow what is wrong with everybody, where in my original question did I say I got married on the internet? More than that who does that? But show me where you heard me say that I got married on the internet? In the last paragraph of my topic question, I said WE OFFICIALLY MARRIED IN THE INDIAN CHURCH AND THE COURT SYSTEM THERE" What did you think that meant? married there? What did you think married there meant? I said officially married there. What did you think officially married there meant?

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Um, no. Please point out the part where you said you got married IN INDIA. All you said is that "We are officially married in the Indian church and court system there." Which means you could've just got some under-the-table paperwork done. Which is totally something I could see happening there.

Anyways, I don't know why you're putting up with this drah-ma. He married someone else, regardless of whether it's the truth or it was forced or not, either HE doesn't see your marriage as legitimate or his family doesn't. Or maybe all of them. Who knows. This is sketchy and you need to get out. For god sake, don't bring him to the US. He'll probably just run off on you as soon as he has his citizenship and leave you in the lurch. If you think that's not a possibility, you need to wake up. Indians marry overseas Indians and that come over and divorce them later when they have citizenship.....seriously, happens more than you think.

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All you said is that "We are officially married in the Indian church and court system there."

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YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT? Seriously if you don't understand what officially married in an Indian church and COURT SYSTEM THERE that this means India then you have a illiterate problem of some sort. Even Starnique, the first reply understood what MARRIED IN THE CHURCH THERE AND COURT SYSTEM THERE MEANS. Wow since you have this problem then that means I have to literally spell it out for you like a pre-schooler. Ok bluesummer here goes: Yes AGAIN, I officially married my Indian husband in India. I took Air India a 14hour flight on April 21, 2013 and flew to India and on May 6, 2013, me and my INdian husband got married in a christian church in Chandigarh India on May 6, 2013 and then the next day on May 7, 2013, we got it registered in the Chandigarh court system in India. Chandigarh is a popular city in .India. We met 3 years ago online but last year 2012 was the first time I saw him in person. we went to Haryana India last year I was at his house. Now this year I saw him again stayed 5 months there IN INDIA with him. We visited Delhi, Bujurat, Chandigarh, Kullu and Manali in the mountains. GOT THAT. Excuse me sorry I just realized that I have to spell everything out for you. So anyway I Just got back actually, FROM INDIA. I have my marriage papers from the actual country India from the Indian court system IN INDIA I believe it was Sector 20. Got that now. you understand now. Seriously if you don't understand this, you really have a problem. I couldn't have explained this any better. Even a 5 year old would understand this

Now as to the part about him marrying another woman by force, yeah I believe you are right about that. Whether he was forced or not shouldn't make a difference to me at all. Yet he is angry at me for having an online fling because I was lonely. That's all I did. Anyway yes he married that woman behind my back while we were together in Jan 2011 and in Nov 2011 he confessed but in Feb 2012 he divorced her and now a year later we officially got married IN INDIA. Let me ask you a question. He told me when I apply that I should not put down that he was married before. Why is that? So I asked him for proof that he officially divorced her but he told me that there is no papers for that because he never registered his marriage but she did move out of his house for a year now. So I don't understand this. Now you have me thinking whether I should apply or not. at this point I don't think I will apply but if he wants me to live in India with him for a while and he changes his ways and stops talking about America then that is something I might entertain. What you think?

Also what do you mean by when you say you think he is a narcissis?

I dont think i can really help you. Your very naive. You married a stranger, hes been lying to you for two years, lived a double life during that time with another woman and is obviously dysfunctional as hes spent so much time in and out of rehab but still your willing to give up your whole life for him and move to be with him? I think you are insane.

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Originally Posted by Prescious [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Seriously if you don't understand this, you really have a problem. I couldn't have explained this any better. Even a 5 year old would understand this.

Now as to the part about him marrying another woman by force, yeah I believe you are right about that. Whether he was forced or not shouldn't make a difference to me at all. Yet he is angry at me for having an online fling because I was lonely. That's all I did. Anyway yes he married that woman behind my back while we were together in Jan 2011 and in Nov 2011 he confessed but in Feb 2012 he divorced her and now a year later we officially got married IN INDIA. Let me ask you a question. He told me when I apply that I should not put down that he was married before. Why is that? So I asked him for proof that he officially divorced her but he told me that there is no papers for that because he never registered his marriage but she did move out of his house for a year now. So I don't understand this. Now you have me thinking whether I should apply or not. at this point I don't think I will apply but if he wants me to live in India with him for a while and he changes his ways and stops talking about America then that is something I might entertain. What you think?

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Sigh. Wow. Was that so necessary? Maybe I should explain something to you that YOU are not understanding: people fake marriage documents in courts and churches, and do things under the table. Especially in countries like India. If that seems improbable to you, I suggest you may need a tiny reality check. Having been on this site for years and heard stories that are so mind bogglingly shocking and stupid, I never just make assumptions anymore because it turns out there is a severe amount of dumabassery and illegal crap going down daily. Don't mistake me for an idiot, and kindly don't make the mistake of speaking to me in such a manner again, please.

Anyways, you should NOT apply for him. Asking you not to put his previous marriage down tells me he is hiding something and trying to get over to the US based on a lie. If he felt everything was on the up and up he would just disclose the truth fully and let the chips fall. You are on the hook for everything he says on that application, and if they find out something isn't legitimate and you knew about it, you could be guilty of committing immigration fraud. That is bad news. You need to tell him that the only way you would consider applying for him is if he is 100% honest about everything on his application, or else he is putting your life in jeopardy. Then your choice will be to move to India and live there with him for the rest of your lives, or leave him. Never, ever screw with immigration.

As my husband's sponsor I was on the hook for his monetary needs until he became a citizen, which took five years. That meant if he ever went on welfare or was collecting unemployment benefits, I WAS THE ONE required to pay the government back, because he wasn't entitled to those benefits as a sponsored permanent resident. These are all things you need to be aware of. Eyes wide open.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sigh. Wow. Was that so necessary? Maybe I should explain something to you that YOU are not understanding: people fake marriage documents in courts and churches, and do things under the table. Especially in countries like India. If that seems improbable to you, I suggest you may need a tiny reality check. Having been on this site for years and heard stories that are so mind bogglingly shocking and stupid, I never just make assumptions anymore because it turns out there is a severe amount of dumabassery and illegal crap going down daily. Don't mistake me for an idiot, and kindly don't make the mistake of speaking to me in such a manner again, please.

Anyways, you should NOT apply for him. Asking you not to put his previous marriage down tells me he is hiding something and trying to get over to the US based on a lie. If he felt everything was on the up and up he would just disclose the truth fully and let the chips fall. You are on the hook for everything he says on that application, and if they find out something isn't legitimate and you knew about it, you could be guilty of committing immigration fraud. That is bad news. You need to tell him that the only way you would consider applying for him is if he is 100% honest about everything on his application, or else he is putting your life in jeopardy. Then your choice will be to move to India and live there with him for the rest of your lives, or leave him. Never, ever screw with immigration.

As my husband's sponsor I was on the hook for his monetary needs until he became a citizen, which took five years. That meant if he ever went on welfare or was collecting unemployment benefits, I WAS THE ONE required to pay the government back, because he wasn't entitled to those benefits as a sponsored permanent resident. These are all things you need to be aware of. Eyes wide open.

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Thanks for your advice but just wanna say that I didn't mean to call you illiterate but I just call things out as I see it. If I tell you I officially got married in the church and court system there that means exactly that, IN INDIA. IF I got married on the internet LOL, I would have told you we got married on the internet. You yourself said that people here tell you that crazy story which I have never heard of so why would I hide that? Especially when we are all here to learn from one another. And especially when we don't know each other which makes it easier for us to open up?

In anycase and moving forward I really do appreciate your advice and will consider it. I will not apply for him but will consider living there with him MAYBE or I was thinking maybe another country. Oh please excuse me I forgot to tell you that he has a criminal history of selling drugs in the past but told me that he has people in India that he paid to erase that from the computer system fo him. What you think?

Move on. That's what I think.

I'm wondering if this is real at this point.

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Originally Posted by Starnique [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Move on. That's what I think.

I'm wondering if this is real at this point.

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Starnique this is all a real and a true story. I am highly intelligent educationally wise BUT I guess when it comes to love, I'm illiterate in that area. That's why you're probably thinking this is fake because you can't believe that I would put up with something like this. But I have and it's real. I fell in love but I think you're right I should move on.

I finally talked with him in rehab couple days ago and he was like hi baby and how is my son doing and how is my dad doing? Then I told him how angry I am that I can't get in touch with and he told me that he has no control over the people who run the rehab. That they don't even want him talking to anyone and if they do, they only allow once a month. Their brutal there he said that's why last year he tried to escape because they do inhumane methods of recovery there. Like Lebotomy and electro-schocks, beatings etc....So anyway I asked him if he wants a divorce he can have it because I think he is talking to another woman and he told me that he is not talking to anyone else. He can hardly even speak to me his wife much less anyone else. So then he asked me the bomb question, he asked me if I found somebody else and that' why I am asking for a divorce I told him no. So he begged me not to leave him because he has nobody else and that I am all he has. What should I do?

Stop listening to his lies. Hes not in rehab. Jesus i feel like shaking you. Stop being so naive.

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Precious

You can do so much better. You obviously are stable amd have a lot going for yourself. You are at the age where you should be enjoying life and being in real love at this time. We all have been naive at one point or another. I have been and I'll tell anybody, my ex put me thru a lot and I didn't deserve it but I stayed because I loved him and people dont understand so I'm not going to tell you how you should feel. Their your feelings and love makes most people do crazy things. Enough is enough. You could be missing out on mr. Right because your so called husband who is not even with you keeping you warm at night or comforting you. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be and you know in your heart this isn't right. Save yourself further heartache and get out of it. You're not old but you're not a young silly girl either so at this time, your no bullshit light should be going off.

Hun your married to a stranger. When was the last time you even saw him in person? Kissed him? Cuddled him? Confided in him? Slept with him? You cant even get through to him on the internet or a phonecall. This is ridiculous. Its not a marriage. Married people see each other every day and share their lives together (or at least they are supposed to). You should be able to trust him completely. He should be your best friend. Anything less than that and your settling for second best or tenth..

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Stop listening to his lies. Hes not in rehab. Jesus i feel like shaking you. Stop being so naive.

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What makes you think he's not in rehab? When I told him that his sister is pregnant. He said," she's what? He looked like he didn't know. In anycase please fill me in as to how you know or believe he is not in rehab?

Did you read what I posted at all? That's what's important. You just totally disregarded that.

What he told you about the rehab seems false to em as well. If you have the number for it call it and ask them yourself if what he told you is true, don't just assume it is.
People in rehab are allowed phone calls from spouses and family, unless he said you cause him problems and then your contact would be limited.
You should find out if all he tells you is true anyway you can if you find out he is lying, move on.

I believe hes lying coz you cannot contact him. Plus the fact hes already lied to you about a number of other important issues. Liars lie, cheaters cheat, bigamists cant be trusted.. why do i need to spell this out to a well educated, mature woman? Why is your head so far up in the clouds?

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I don't care what u do with your life but please don't bring this loser to the US

No, this sounds very fishy. I think he is using you to get a citizenship and then he will leave you and bring his real wife here. I'm sorry.