Can a "complicated relationship" get resolved?

I've been seeing this guy since last July. It's been a slow burner - we were friends first, and once we got together we waited a while to sleep together. We havent said "I love you" but no man has ever looked at me the way he does. He's told me that he's never met a woman like me, and he's been looking for someone like me for a long, long time. I feel the same. When we went on our first date I suddenly realised what had been missing in every other relationship I'd been in. When we spend time together, it feels amazing, natural, and perfect (we've both said this).

I need to explain a few things about our relationship dynamic:

1) Before I got together with him I'd hadn't been in a relationship or had sex in a long time because of some bad sexual stuff that happened to me. Having sex with him for the first time was traumatic and he was really supportive during this. He, on the other hand, had literally just got out of a messy one-year relationship. So we both came with lots of baggage attached.

2) He's a dreamy, free spirit. He's shit at answering text messages and emails. He usually takes a day to reply to an email, and at least 12 hours to reply to a text. He's also terrible at making plans a few days in advance - sometimes he'll just call me when he's walking past my house and ask me to go for lunch (we live near each other). He has fears about being controlled and trapped by his partner, and I know that his reticence to make plans is because he feels tied down when he does that. I don't want to change him, but it's infuriating sometimes, and I don't feel safe. I worry that the issues I have around trust and intimacy mean that I wont be able to accept him for who he is.


Three weeks ago I started to feel like he was avoiding me. He was contacting me less and wasnt suggesting we meet as much.

This was horrendous for me. When I start to feel rejected, my reaction is to bolt. I nearly broke up with him several times during these three weeks, but the thought of losing him was worse than being hurt, so I went through it.

I gave him plenty of space, but that didnt help. Then I thought maybe he was looking for reassurance, so I initiated more contact, but that didnt help either. We talked and he told me that he was afraid of getting hurt, and that he was holding back. He brought up the future (I want to move to the States next year and he's planning on going travelling), and said what was going to happen then? We also talked about some of our fears - like he's afraid of getting trapped, and I am afraid of being manipulated.

I was the pragmatic one, saying that realistically, we still didnt know each other that well, thus we dont know if we have long-term potential, and that I hadn't been thinking about the future, but I was open to seeing where things went. He agreed, but we ended the converstaion without dealing with the problem - which was that we werent seeing each other.

A week later things hadnt changed. I was at the end of my tether and broke up with him.

Initially he got defensive, and tried to make out like the break up was his idea, but then he started to change his tune. Said he didnt meet people he connected with like me, and he didnt want to lose me. Started making excuses for his behaviour, said he wanted to "redeem" himself, asked me to reconsider, and said that we could work at the relationship.

I told him I didnt think it should be this complicated this early on, and he said it was always going to be complicated for him since he was just out of a bad relationship. And it's true.. For me it was complicated from the start because of the sex thing.

I thought about it for a day and then told him I wanted to work things out but I needed more time. So we're meeting on Sunday.

As you can tell, we're pretty open with each other, and that's amazing, because I've never had a partner I could be so direct with. At the same time, I have no idea how to talk this out with him. I dont believe that he has to change his behaviour and everything will be okay. The reason for the behaviour is still there, and it will only be so long before the behaviour comes back. Maybe I should ask him why he thinks he withdraws like that?

I think we need to keep taking the relationship slowly, but we need to see each other more than we have been the last three weeks (once a week - sometimes just for an hour). I also dont want to feel like he's just fitting me into his schedule any more. But at the same time I want him to feel free and not like I'm enforcing rules upon him.

Does this sound like a complicated situation: two difficult people at difficult times, or am I just being an idiot?

It feels like it's going to be a lot of effort to get things to work. I should mention that my default setting is usually single... It's my comfort zone.

Your both damaged people and this is only headed in one direction-a dysfunctional relationship. He needs time to deal with past baggage. Right now your just a distraction/rebound and he will hurt you. He needs time and space to sort his shit out.

You shouldnt be with anyone until you deal with your sexual issues. Sex is a healthy part of any normal relationship and you obviously need therapy to deal with your past so you can have a normal sexual relationship with a guy.

I think you should both be alone for now, heal and sort yourselves out. You could find your way back to each other in 6-12months time and have a healthy happy relationship when your both emotionally and mentally healthy people.

If for whatever reason you dont find your way back then youll meet someone else in time x

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Originally Posted by violet11 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I told him I didnt think it should be this complicated this early on

Does this sound like a complicated situation: two difficult people at difficult times, or am I just being an idiot?

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Sounds like a timing thing.

Certainly sounds like a complicated situation as you both don't seem to be in the right head space to start a relationship.

He needs to heal after his last relationship & by the sounds of it he hasn't. How long since his break up did you guys hook up? A few weeks?

It's hard to force something to happen.

Trust me i've been there & done that.

If it's meant to be it will work out.


Good luck

You live close by but yet you only see eachother once a week sometimes for just an hour? Something seems really off there. Why not find a man that meets your needs instead of a guy who Never has time for you?

If you're having these kind of problems so early in the relationship it isn't going to work. And there are lots of other men out there so whey not find one?

Violet, for a relationship to work, it needs to be given time and effort. Seeing each other once a week for an hour is not giving it time nor effort. I even see my friends more than that. Sure, you have your issues, he has his (who doesn't) but people work through shit together, it's not a huge deal unless you put so much space and distance between you that you're constantly guessing what they want, what they're doing and wondering why they don't initiate contact.

No one is 100% 'free' in a relationship - what he wants is to have the luxury of acting single whilst still being able to see you every now and then, when he decides on it. Doesn't work that way. You're hardly suffocating him by the sounds of it - any less contact and you may as well not even bother.

Taking so long to reply to a text is pure disinterest - it's not his 'personality', but putting it like that excuses his laziness.

Oh dear... pretty black and white advice :( Thanks anyway.

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Originally Posted by TablesandChairs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Violet, for a relationship to work, it needs to be given time and effort. Seeing each other once a week for an hour is not giving it time nor effort. I even see my friends more than that. Sure, you have your issues, he has his (who doesn't) but people work through shit together, it's not a huge deal unless you put so much space and distance between you that you're constantly guessing what they want, what they're doing and wondering why they don't initiate contact.

No one is 100% 'free' in a relationship - what he wants is to have the luxury of acting single whilst still being able to see you every now and then, when he decides on it. Doesn't work that way. You're hardly suffocating him by the sounds of it - any less contact and you may as well not even bother.

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Thank you - that was great to read. Very insightful and pragmatic. I appreciate it!

I guess up until now he's been resisting the idea that we're really in a relationship. We need to talk honestly about what we want and see if we want the same things.

An update to the situation. We were supposed to meet on Sunday, and he cancelled. Said he was sick. I told him that I didnt know if I could give things another chance, and he sent me whiney text about how sick he felt. Didnt reply.

He called and texted me a few times yesterday, but I didnt pick up or reply. He didnt realise that I was finished with him, because his texts were all asking me to meet him.

Then today he texted me again asking if I was ignoring him. I replied saying "I don't have anything left to say (sad face)". Long story short, he's trying to turn this around on me and make out like I'm being unreasonable because he "really was sick". I replied a few times but I think I'm going to ignore him again now. I can't believe he's continuing to be such a douche bag. I feel like saying to him "you asked me for a chance to redeem yourself... and here we are." But I couldnt be bothered.

The sad thing is that if he did a bit of grovelling - turned up on my doorstep etc. I would take him back. This is agony :(

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Originally Posted by violet11 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The sad thing is that if he did a bit of grovelling - turned up on my doorstep etc. I would take him back. This is agony :(

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Then you need to get some work done on you. Why would you so low as to take him back? Prefer a shit relationship to being single? Need someone to boost your own self esteem because you lack self esteem?

If he's trying to make you seem unreasonable well so what. Who cares what he thinks anyway? What's more important is what YOU think and what YOU want.

This wasnt even a relationship violet. Once a week is casual f**k buddies.. you need to be alone and get counselling. Thats the only solution to all your problems. You can either hop from one messed up guy to another and keep having dysfunctional relationships that make you miserable and lower your self esteem more or you can face your fear of being alone, conquer it, get the help you need and eventually meet a good man who wont drag you down so low, use you, manipulate you, lie, cheat etc etc

Your vulnerable, men see that-they circle you like a shark coz they smell weakness and a doormat. They know your co-dependant and know youll put up with all sorts of crap

Thats why you need to heal emotionally and mentally. Grasp your independance, be strong and show the world your not a person to be messed with. Then and only then will you start attracting decent men who respect you as an equal and love you wholeheartedly

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You misunderstood - it's just the last three weeks we've only seen each other once a week. Before that we were seeing each other most days. And we were friends for several months before we even kissed. I'm not delusional.

Also, I was single for three years before I got into this relationship, and had lots of counselling. I'm really in a better space in all respects. I just seem to have made the same relationship mistake. I think I'm just so unused to being in a relationship that I don't know what's "acceptable", and I was so anxious about getting involved that I couldnt trust my feelings.

Excelsior.

I can kind of relate to your situation with how things are going for me so far, and the best thing I can tell you is to work on you. I'm not saying that you're the problem, but from the sounds of it, both of you have a few issues that come together to create such a complicated situation. And in that situation, you'll find that you can't control others. As hard as it is to hear, he's going to do what he's going to do. If he was the type of guy that would play around, he would do it regardless of whether or not you had suspicions. But if he isn't like I'm more than sure he isn't playing round, this will put tremendous pressure on things and lead to him feeling trapped. And that's a thought that's scary as hell, isn't it?

But guess what... There's hope. You can control you, and you are the master of your own fate. For that reason, I suggest that you look inside yourself and tackle the very root of what makes you have so many trust issues. Then look back on all your good times with him whenever you're in doubt. And when you do, if you still have extreme fear that he's going to be like any of the men who have hurt you before, you're lying to yourself. From the sounds of it, he really cares about you. And if someone is that crazy about you, there's no way in hell they'd ever stray. This I know from experience.

As soon as you have inner strength, then you can calmly and rationally talk things out with him. Explain how you feel and what you want as far as the two of you. Because even if it's deep down, I know you want something long lasting from him. Tell him you're not looking for another relationship that's doomed to fail and that the only way it's ever going to work is if both of you make the effort, taking it one day at a time. Because both of you, from the sounds of it, need to challenge your comfort zones. And once you do that and can successfully free yourselves of your issues, then you'll have something truly special. A relationship which is long lasting and an emotional connection that can overcome anything in its path.

Don't give up hope, no matter what anyone ever tells you.

Thanks Rowen... But the problem is that he is making no effort... he started being distant and cancelled dates on me two Sundays in a row, I broke up with him and now when he's meant to be redeeming himself, he cancels another date, and is bombarding me with texts; saying that he really was sick and I'm being unreasonable.

We've been fighting / breaking up over text all day. I eventually asked him what he was trying to achieve by writing me these messages? He said he wanted me "to see things from his perspective". I said "Why?" He hasnt replied...

That was probably a stupid message to write, but I just wanted to cut the bullshit. I don't like how he's been responding to me... trying to turn the whole thing into my issue. If he wants us to stay together he needs to try a different approach to his defensive texts. I am completely prepared to compromise but he's giving me nothing.

Not a complicated situation at all. You're not a priority to him. He likes to allot time, weekly, for you, and is fine with that being that. You are not fine with that. You two are incompatible.

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Originally Posted by violet11 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You misunderstood - it's just the last three weeks we've only seen each other once a week. Before that we were seeing each other most days. And we were friends for several months before we even kissed. I'm not delusional.

Also, I was single for three years before I got into this relationship, and had lots of counselling. I'm really in a better space in all respects. I just seem to have made the same relationship mistake. I think I'm just so unused to being in a relationship that I don't know what's "acceptable", and I was so anxious about getting involved that I couldnt trust my feelings.

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Ok sorry if i misunderstood but this is a red flag. Hes not making you a priority. If i didnt see my bf for a week without very good reason-id already be gone and when i say very good reason i mean someone gravely ill or dying or important exams etc..

Hes a typical player. Bet he acted perfect for 6 months, then took a major step back and made your head spin? Now hes free to pursue his next victim and f**k you on the side weekly.. please dont be naive

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What are you expectations, here? You want to be a priority, right? You want a committed relationship that will lead to a future together, not some once-a-week romp and a 'see ya next time' situation.

He's not providing that. Sure, he was keen at the start but once the fizz died down he got as flat as week-old coke left in the sun. Don't be afraid to tell him what you expect. If he gives you the old "I'm not ready for commitment' or 'Oh but you don't understand, I'm still 'traumatised' by my last relationship' etc etc, say "Okay, that's fine. But that's not what I'm looking for at this point in time. If your situation changes, let me know".

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Originally Posted by violet11 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks Rowen... But the problem is that he is making no effort... he started being distant and cancelled dates on me two Sundays in a row, I broke up with him and now when he's meant to be redeeming himself, he cancels another date, and is bombarding me with texts; saying that he really was sick and I'm being unreasonable.

We've been fighting / breaking up over text all day. I eventually asked him what he was trying to achieve by writing me these messages? He said he wanted me "to see things from his perspective". I said "Why?" He hasnt replied...

That was probably a stupid message to write, but I just wanted to cut the bullshit. I don't like how he's been responding to me... trying to turn the whole thing into my issue. If he wants us to stay together he needs to try a different approach to his defensive texts. I am completely prepared to compromise but he's giving me nothing.

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Then, the answer is clear, I'm afraid. Like I said before, you can't control him. You can't MAKE him make the effort... But you can control you. So, get your issues under control and focus on you. And if he comes back, that's great, but then you have to be tough and tell him its either that he makes the effort or hits the highway- that he needs to SHOW YOU rather than tell you. And if he doesn't come back? You're still better off because you'll find someone better who is willing to make the effort where he clearly failed to, and you will have controlled your issues so you don't make the same mistakes again.

Okay... update from me.

Spent all day yesterday fighting / breaking up with him (my instigation) over text. He kept insisting that he really was sick on Sunday. Eventually we had a really long phone convo and, much to my surprise, he ended up convincing me to give things another chance. He convinced me that it's just been a really bad three weeks for him, and he wasnt avoiding me. He said he's really missed me, how much I mean to him, and he's felt how it has impacted his mood not being with me. So I said let's give things a chance til Christmas... I told him that he needs to make more effort and we need to see each other 2-3 times a week. He completely agreed.

It was a really honest conversation. He told me that he doesnt view this as a boyfriend-girlfriend thing yet. He said it takes him a long time to get to that point, but that we are definitely heading there, and that he see us together in a year's time, which scares him, because that's when I'm planning to move to the States, but he doesnt see us breaking up before then (at this point I had to remind him I had dumped him earlier that day. We laughed).

I realised that I have been way more invested in this relationship than he has been. We came from very different backgrounds - before him I literally hadnt been with anyone in 2.5 years, whereas he was just about of a relationship. We both felt the amazing connection, but getting involved was a way bigger deal for me than him, and that made things very unequal. For me the situation has been life and death... for him it's been romance.

I've been stupid... accepting dates with him at the drop of a hat, not asking him to do anything for me, and being so terrified that he would leave me that I would be an exaggeration of myself. I've been obsessed with him, and thankfully since all this I feel liberated, because I know I can walk away.

Uh your still being stupid. He just told you your a f**k buddy who may get more.... one day.... seriously? Rolling my eyes. Why do people like you ask for advice?

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Originally Posted by violet11 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Okay... update from me.

Spent all day yesterday fighting / breaking up with him (my instigation) over text. He kept insisting that he really was sick on Sunday. Eventually we had a really long phone convo and, much to my surprise, he ended up convincing me to give things another chance. He convinced me that it's just been a really bad three weeks for him, and he wasnt avoiding me. He said he's really missed me, how much I mean to him, and he's felt how it has impacted his mood not being with me. So I said let's give things a chance til Christmas... I told him that he needs to make more effort and we need to see each other 2-3 times a week. He completely agreed.

It was a really honest conversation. He told me that he doesnt view this as a boyfriend-girlfriend thing yet. He said it takes him a long time to get to that point, but that we are definitely heading there, and that he see us together in a year's time, which scares him, because that's when I'm planning to move to the States, but he doesnt see us breaking up before then (at this point I had to remind him I had dumped him earlier that day. We laughed).

I realised that I have been way more invested in this relationship than he has been. We came from very different backgrounds - before him I literally hadnt been with anyone in 2.5 years, whereas he was just about of a relationship. We both felt the amazing connection, but getting involved was a way bigger deal for me than him, and that made things very unequal. For me the situation has been life and death... for him it's been romance.

I've been stupid... accepting dates with him at the drop of a hat, not asking him to do anything for me, and being so terrified that he would leave me that I would be an exaggeration of myself. I've been obsessed with him, and thankfully since all this I feel liberated, because I know I can walk away.

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For a relationship to work should it really be this hard?



Good luck.

Don't really know where people are getting the idea that we're just f-buddies... We've been seeing each other since July, and only slept together in October for the first time. We see each other three times a week or more, go to cinema, go for dinner / lunch, go for walks and hikes. It's only in the last three weeks that things went pear-shaped; and I presumed the worst.

Saying that, I told him reassess things at Christmas and I meant it. I have a different set of standards now, and if he doesnt match them, I'm prepared to walk away again.

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Uh your still being stupid. He just told you your a f**k buddy who may get more.... one day.... seriously? Rolling my eyes. Why do people like you ask for advice?

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To test the patience of advice givers. lol jk

But seriously, OP, you have your answer. Move on.

To be fair, I took a lot of the advice given to me here: I broke up with him, and took him back on the condition that he makes more effort.

Regarding teh relationship status: I didnt mention that we are both free to see other people. I went on a date with another guy last night. I've been out of the dating scene for so long, and I dont feel ready to commit to him. It was one of the things we talked about when he first told me he had feelings for me - I said if we got involved I needed to take things really slowly and I wanted to be free to see other people. We agreed to tell each other about it. He was with someone about two months ago, I have gone on dates with three other guys.

The problem was that all my trauma kicked back in when we started having sex, and I got really needy and desperate. I hid it as best I could but I think he felt it, and three weeks ago he pulled away: texting and calling less, not seeing me as much. Maybe he really did have a bad three weeks, maybe he was with someone else... (I know most people here will think it's the latter but we're totally open about it). Anyway, at that point I ended things with him because his pulling away was killing me.

Until three weeks ago things were amazing so I figure it deserves a second chance. I told him I would see how things went until Christmas and after that we could reassess.

Seriously, this forum has helped me a lot already - I can see my behaviours and issues a lot more clearly. I was making him too much of a priority - I was getting obsessed. I am totally open to the possibility that I'm being an idiot, but I'm not taking him as seriously now, so if he doesnt shape up, I can let it go more easily.

If your not ready for committment then why not be alone for awhile until you are?

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If your not ready for committment then why not be alone for awhile until you are?

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Because I was alone for three years! I feel ready to be close to someone but not to commit yet... it doesnt have to be all or nothing.

I think you need time and space to work on your issues and figure out what you want. I dont think a half assed relationship is good for you tbh but its your choice. I just think youd either be better on your own or with someone whos stable, reliable, understanding and loving.. stability would do you good.

Its your choice tho and i wish you luck

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you need time and space to work on your issues and figure out what you want. I dont think a half assed relationship is good for you tbh but its your choice. I just think youd either be better on your own or with someone whos stable, reliable, understanding and loving.. stability would do you good.

Its your choice tho and i wish you luck

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Thanks Michelle... I appreciate that. And I agree with you to a large extent... being alone is amazing. I confronted many personal issues being alone. But I couldnt confront my relationship demons... I needed to be involved with someone to do that.

It's been one of the most emotionally volatile periods of my life, but I finally feel like I'm healing. Being alone prepared me for this, but now I have to heal by living.

I know it's a risk, but I cant wrap myself in cotton wool forever...

Okay good for you :) just dont allow him to mess you around. Realize what your worth

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Originally Posted by violet11 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Because I was alone for three years! I feel ready to be close to someone but not to commit yet... it doesnt have to be all or nothing.

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Seriously? Dafuq did I just read? @.@

...You are aware that the point of seeking love is to commit, correct?

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Originally Posted by Rowen [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Seriously? Dafuq did I just read? @.@

...You are aware that the point of seeking love is to commit, correct?

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Lol. What does commitment mean to you? Not a trick question. Because I realised that to me, it means being prepared to work through problems with someone. I've never been able to commit to anyone in this regard... as soon as things start to go wrong I'm out of there.

Rowen i cant like your posts for some reason :( but i do like them all :P

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Okay good for you :) just dont allow him to mess you around. Realize what your worth

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Thank you Michelle ;) Yeah, in the last few months I've started to realise my worth. Ironically, he's helped me with this more than anyone.

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Originally Posted by violet11 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Lol. What does commitment mean to you? Not a trick question. Because I realised that to me, it means being prepared to work through problems with someone. I've never been able to commit to anyone in this regard... as soon as things start to go wrong I'm out of there.

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Right... Well, to me, that sounds like you're using him as a crutch while you assess your commitment issues...which is not right, in my opinion.

And since you asked, commitment to me is choosing one person for better or worse because you can't stand to be without them. If you had no intention of being committed to him, why did you try to work things out?

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Rowen i cant like your posts for some reason :( but i do like them all :P

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Thanks, Michelle! I wish I could like yours too- for some reason, if I hit the thank you button, it disappears some of the time. :S

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Originally Posted by Rowen [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you had no intention of being committed to him, why did you try to work things out?

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I never said I have no intention of committing to him. The same way that he didnt say he doesnt want to commit to me. We both just need more time.

I can't commit to him until I know him better... it's not a decision: it's a trust thing. If he turns out to be the guy I thought he was, then I 100% want to make it work. Until then, I find it very hard not to bolt when I feel threatened.

All I can say then is good luck... But it still sounds way too sticky of a situation if you ask me.

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Originally Posted by Rowen [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

All I can say then is good luck... But it still sounds way too sticky of a situation if you ask me.

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I know... i hear you. Thank you for your input <3