My wife is a totally different person than I married 1.5yrs ago

When I got married 1.5 yrs ago my wife was a fantastic partner. She had 4 kids when I married her and I fell in love with the kids as much as her. I treat them as mine and the call me dad. I would go to the ends of the earth for all of them. But over the last several months she has become so selfish I can't believe it. I work two jobs to support them and it's never enough. I supposed to pay for everything and answer for every dollar I spend even though I make 3x as much as her, but she can do whatever she wants including overdrawing our account whe she knows I have a ton of bills to pay and I'm not allowed to say a word. I get upset over something and I'm being a jerk or an asshole. She yells at me and it's nothing, or she didn't do that. I get no appreciation for anything, even though I pay for everything and do 3/4 of the household chores. Not allowed to say anything to the kids when they aren't doing as they're told, I'm not their dad at that point, but have to pay for everything to take care of "our" kids. Get yelled out for the credit card debt i have, when most of it has occured buying her and the kids things. Problem is, no matter what, I still love her so much it hurts. I love those kids so much it hurts. I just want a better life for us all, a happy fun life. But it all can't be roses. We are adults, we have responsibilities. I just want my wife back. I want our partnership back. we used to work together on things, now, it's all about her and what she needs. I love her and don't want to lose her! I don't want to lose the kids. They are all my world! But her new threat when I try to talk to to her is she'll take the kids and I'll never see them again. I have no legal ties to them so she knows she can. Not sure I could survive losing them. At a loss, don't know what to do.....

....how can you love such a bitch?

Also--her threat sounds like a bluff--if you're the one paying the bills -- she can't survive on her own

I guess you need to start being more assertive, more cold, withdrawn, etc.

If you keep unconditionally loving her without her appreciation, she ill take advantage of it.

Stop being her slave. And ffs cut off the credit cards! If she is acting like a spoiled child--treat her like one!

I don't know. She didn't used to be like this. Your heart makes the rest of the senses blind sometimes. I fell in love hard a quick, maybe my eyes weren't open wide enough in the beginning. I don't know. I just know the thought of not having her in my life is devastating to me. I keep hoping this is just a phase, a hard patch, a stressful time and she's dealing with it badly. But my head keeps asking that same question, but my heart keeps saying I love her.

the cards are mine, my name and my use only, she has one in her name and keeps it paid off, thats where her paycheck goes

She keeps saying she can just move in with her mom or dad if she leaves. I've talked with them extensively and they both support me, say that won't happen. But I can't expect them to go against their own daughter and grandkids. It's not right. I probably know the answer, and your probably right, call her bluff. But I've tried disconnecting some and it just makes things worse.

I know I'm in a mess and I have to be the one to clean it up. But geesh. I'm a hardworking, God-fearing, responsible, caring, and honest guy. What did I do to deserve this?

I can understand that, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Have you reflected WHY you love her? Maybe you just wanna avoid being lonely--so you can't bear the thought of her leaving you. And maybe you are still seeing her for the angel she "was", instead of realizing that she was never an angel to begin with -- just a wolf trying to get you to support her by putting on sheep's clothing.

What is there to love? (I understand that you are by now attached to her because of biological chemistry and mental habit--but you can slowly "Unlove" her by reprogramming your thinking, etc.)

Also -- she can't have her cake and eat it, too. If she claims you're not their father, then next time she expects you to get them something, just state "why should I? I'm not their father".

People get treated the way they allow themselves to be--unless you set boundaries, she will keep taking advantage of you.

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Originally Posted by lonewulf2572 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know I'm in a mess and I have to be the one to clean it up. But geesh. I'm a hardworking, God-fearing, responsible, caring, and honest guy. What did I do to deserve this?

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Just because you're a wonderful guy doesn't mean others will treat you well, unfortunately. You gotta add "I have boundaries" to that list. People are inherently selfish (esp. ones that are not good people themselves, aka your wife), so they'll take advantage when they can.

As if your wife is that great? She has the baggage of four kids! four! If she is so unhappy with you, tell her to gtfo and see whether anyone else wants her. (lol I know you won't have the courage to say that to her soon--just trying to get you riled up to think of yourself better and to stop putting her on a pedestal--stop feeling like you need her approval--if anything, she needs YOURS as you're the one who is keeping her safe/secure/etc.)

I know what your saying. I've told myself this many times. And yes, I don't want to be lonely. But thats not it. When she's not yelling the sound of her voice is what I want in my ear. Being next to her alone is the most content I've ever been. I miss talking to her when we can't. When my phone rings and it's her, I smile. On the rare occasion anymore when she does reach over and grab my hand a warm feeling passes over me. I get so sad when we fight cause of what we used to be like. I can't explain love, it's just there. And she knows that I will never turn away anything those kids need, it's not their fault she's become what she is at present. But you are right, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries....

And I was brought up/raised old school. You took care of others, treated folks the way you wanted to be treated, be kind, considerate, loving, responsible, unselfish. I still believe in the outdated concept of chivalry. So it's tough to change myself in to this cold hearted person everyone says I need to be.

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Originally Posted by lonewulf2572 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And I was brought up/raised old school. You took care of others, treated folks the way you wanted to be treated, be kind, considerate, loving, responsible, unselfish. I still believe in the outdated concept of chivalry. So it's tough to change myself in to this cold hearted person everyone says I need to be.

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Knights fight for ladies and princesses. Not wretches in the shape of a woman. Unless there is a reason for her acting this way (like if she has borderline personality disorder or something and thus needs therapy), then she is not the type of girl that would receive chivalry in a story.

UPDATE: But actually, that makes me realise--I don't know everything and don't know both sides of the story. Plus you say she IS nice sometimes, so I don't even know the ratio of nice to bad or is her behaviour is justified, etc.

I'm taking an extreme position on this, but it's because of what I got out of your OP--maybe it's not as black and white

She is mildly bi-polar. But she is on meds for this and sees a dr. regularly

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Originally Posted by lonewulf2572 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She is mildly bi-polar. But she is on meds for this and sees a dr. regularly

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AHHHHHHHHHHHH kay, that was the missing link.

See....meds are a temporary bandaid and don't fix the real issue. I'm not very knowledgeable on bi-polar, so I can't say what the root cause is (I'm not into blaming it on brain chemistry--I believe most disorders come from improper upbringing/bad life experiences/bad thought patterns/etc. ).

Regardless--you can still set boundaries without leaving her or being cold hearted.

Have you ever confronted her about how you feel? Or do you just talk about it to others? Because she may not even realize she is being such a bitch. And if she does, she needs to see why that's wrong and to understand that even if she is loved, there are still consequences to her actions.

Also, if she is mentally unstable--she needs you to be strong and to be an authority for both of you , at least initially.

Think of this analogy:

A knight cannot be a knight if he can't protect his boundaries because a knight, by definition, is some rich dude that owns land/territory and fights to protect it. And if she is emotionally weak right now, she needs someone strong--not someone that gets tossed around by the waves of her instability (which she herself hasn't been able to weather).

So if you wanna help her, you essentially need to be more self-loving.

Shes on meds and under regular drs care. So I dont know. All of what u said is in the back of my mind.

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Bipolar can only be treated with meds. There is no cure unfortunately. Seeing a therapist may help.

When was she diagnosed? It sounds to me like her meds are not working properly-she needs to go back and tell them that shes not herself, her meds are not balancing and she wants to try something different. Do you have the right to talk to her doctor alone?

My grandmother is bipolar. Its a v complex illness and she may never be 100% herself again but the important thing is to get her meds right now and you may have some hope of a normal marriage.

You need to become aware of this illness, research it thoroughly, talk to experts, become familiar with the signs of a manic episode coming on, keep tabs on her meds and make sure shes taking them properly. You do need to play the role of carer sometimes. Its not easy but shes ill and she doesnt mean it.

Also be aware if she doesnt take her medication she will become 100 times worse and in some severe cases can be a danger to you or the kids. You need to recognize the signs straight away if she stops taking them and call a doctor.

My grandfather couldnt hack my grandmothers illness. He ignored it till it got too big to ignore and she had a nervous breakdown. Then he had an affair and left her when she was in hospital. He was a wanker. You sound like a strong man and your doing your best. Just make sure youve good family and friends near by to help you cope. Good luck

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Btw swan-bipolar has nothing to do with upbringing etc. Sometimes its genetic. Sometimes its hormone imbalances. It can develop from nowhere in late teens/every adulthood or in some cases later in life after a pregnancy, a rape etc.. its nobodys fault. Its an illness

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Well man it sounds like you living a dogs life.

In your place I would work only one job or no more than 40 hours per week. Also I would keep most money to myself. Like old saying says - Never let woman to sneak in your pocked. It not her bussines how much you earn. her bussines is how much you are giving to her. She have kids but they are from another man so he should pay childs support. Its great that you love them all but realise that giving them money is not your job but more like volunteering charity thing. Dont be a slave or doormat. Whats the point of your money of somone lese spends it? What helps your love when you dont recieve back the same?

This could open your eyes


loveforum.net/threads/78863-Are-you-living-YOUR-life?

loveforum.net/threads/85672-Guide-How-to-deal-with-breakup


Shit happens just because you alowed it. Once you are passive wife wont even notice that shes hurting you. Stand up for yourself or get eaten alive. Also google shining knight syndrome and co-dependacy.

Things went so far cause you been afraid to be alone and thats what tied your hands. Its the fear that makes a dream become nightmare. You know what to do what to say. So be a man and make a stance. Make decison and stick with it.

If you are not feeling bold to be decisive then it could be from being tired, busy at work, not getting enought emotional support from friends and family or love from the ones you do so much for.

Once things are expected from you rather than apreciated you have to stop doing these things.

As long as you believe in yourself you are forcing others to believe in you.

Get counseling and in few weeks you will be 100% sure what to do. Talking about problem and getting asked many questions about it realy helps to explore and understand yourself better. Talking about this in life with real person(especialy a profesional one) can be a huge relief.

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Originally Posted by Ugly_Swan [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

See....meds are a temporary bandaid and don't fix the real issue. I'm not very knowledgeable on bi-polar, so I can't say what the root cause is (I'm not into blaming it on brain chemistry--I believe most disorders come from improper upbringing/bad life experiences/bad thought patterns/etc. ).

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Swan, Google is your friend. A quick bit of research before posting will stop you from making such ill informed posts...and give you more credibility

Step families are notorious for having multiple, very-complex issues, which is why the divorce rates are higher than first time marriages. You need to get help with someone who specializes in step family arrangements, and perhaps seek out a support group with other step-families.

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Btw swan-bipolar has nothing to do with upbringing etc. Sometimes its genetic. Sometimes its hormone imbalances. It can develop from nowhere in late teens/every adulthood or in some cases later in life after a pregnancy, a rape etc.. its nobodys fault. Its an illness

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I never said it's her fault......

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Originally Posted by basilandthyme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Swan, Google is your friend. A quick bit of research before posting will stop you from making such ill informed posts...and give you more credibility

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I stated a belief. I know enough to still stand by it. So stop treating me like I unintentionally posted something because I'm too dumb to use google. Google is not my friend--it is god, btw. lol

I even disclaimed that I'm not that knowledgeable about bi-polar -- which kinda implies that I'm not willing to spend time googling it and am instead warning...

Mental illness always needs to be maintained. Sometimes one type of medication will work for a time, but when behavior becomes out of balanced that medication will need to be change or another medication added to work with the one that is already prescribed.

To me her illness it getting worse and the medication isn't doing it's job anymore. You have to man up and sit your wife down and explain to her that her behavior has become aggressive, and out of control at times and that it's possible that the medication that is being prescribed to her is not helping her illness anymore. Maybe suggest going to the doctor with her so you can have some input.

My wife is a totally different person than I married 1.5 yrs ago

Many relationships tend to change after the honey moon phase fades when people stop being the charming selves they used to. Or maybe part of this radical change you mention is the stress your personalities suffer in dealing with the everyday life of your new relationship, or she might indeed need to change her medication or maybe you're just having a first difficult year like some marriages do and everything will become easier in time. The real reason or reasons will become clearer as soon as you admit to her about how you feel and start working together on improving your marriage.

A family with four kids always faces many expenses and you should consult each other about them. If you have some doubts about the way she is handling money without taking into account, I think that you should establish to decide together about your monthly expenses, this way you could both control what your money is spent on. About the children's education hopefully you have more or less similar views, but in any case, you should probably leave most of the responsibility in her hands. She is the mother and she has a very powerful love connection with them, meaning that even when she is very hard on them, children wouldn't take much of that personally for long, meanwhile the connection you have with them is quite young and your interventions could if too hard or too frequent easily ruin your relationship with them. She should of course make sure that you feel respected in that house and she should be the first one to respect you as her partner. Bipolar or not, you haven't signed for a marriage where she solves arguments by threatening you, and feeling that you aren't taken into account. You got married hoping you'll be happy and now that you are married, you have to try to make this possible, but you need her cooperation on this obviously.

If she wasn't like this before, the question is why is she acting like this now. Do you remind her that you do so much for her? This could be perceived as resentful and throwing it in her face.

Maybe you should sit and talk to her, without accusations of any sort, because that will just make her defensive. I know its hard in this situation not to accuse, but try.

Explain the budget, talk about goals and set some. Tell her you want to have a fun and exciting life with her and the kids, but you want both of you to do it responsibly.

Her threats are just that, threats. Why does she feel she can threaten you like that? Remember, you teach people how to treat you. Next time she threatens to leave, tell her you don't want her to leave, but if that is the only way she knows how to handle a tough situation then you will let her go.

If none of this works then it is time to cut your loses and move on.

Again i believe most these issues boil down to her BD and being on the wrong meds.. over spending is another sign of BD. Talk to her doctor.

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I dont think it have anything to do with BD or meds. Any woman can be bitch if you let her.

Ain't nobody going to want to take her and her four little "blessings" in. Her parents ain't going to want to either. They probably knelt down and thanked the skies above when you came along.

She talks about leaving but she knows it isn't much an option. So, you are stuck, er, SAFE with her. Having adult kids is not a problem when it comes to women and dating/relationships but having small kids IS. A man doesn't want deep involvement with some baby machine any more than a woman wants to be involved with a financially poor man.

Some women use their kids as a lever. they want that child support. they want to be taken care of... It sounds like you make decent money.
She ought to be kissing your butt.