Please can someone give me some advice

I met my now husband 7 years ago. We married 1.5years ago. When we first got together he told me his ex wife used to tell time to leave all the time and to get out. He, for a while now has told me that I would be better off if I l left him. That I could have a baby if I wasn't with him. That I would have money. That I should go. I ask him why he is saying that. I ask him does he really want me to leave, and he says no. Thing is he says it a lot.
He says sex is a huge part of a relationship, but I don't always want it. Some times I give in and do it just to please him.
When we met, I was shy and quiet. Now I am more outgoing and he has told me he doesn't like it. I have my own business and he says I am never at home. He doesn't want me to do it. When I told him I was going to go to a big christmas party he told me I couldn't go. He got so angry about it. He now says he wants to work in my business but I think he is just saying it so he knows what I am doing and when.
He texts me all the time asking me what I am doing, where am I, when am I coming home. He gets upset if I don't text him first. He says I spend too much time with my mum because I am not always home. I tell him I don't. I have a day job as well as my business. My mum happens to do the business too.
I just don't know what to do because sometimes we are great. I talk to him about it and everything gets better for a while but not for long. He is 16 years older than me, but he acts younger than me sometimes.
Am I over thinking everything?
I don't know how to feel anymore

That's easy. Feel oppressed. Feel mentally and emotionally abused. Feel controlled.

Better?

Sounds like you've married a control freak. Was he like this before you married him?

Yeah he was a bit but I never really thought about it. My mother has told me that he is controlling and that I should leave. I don't know if I am feeling this way because of her always saying this to me or whether it's because of how I feel.
Sometimes things are great between us.

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Originally Posted by Maizy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah he was a bit but I never really thought about it.

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Yet you married him anyway?
So how to dig yourself out of this hole that you've jumped into? My advice is for you both to go to marriage guidance counselling to resolve these issues. Then if these issues remain unresolved then you divorce him. Quite simple really.

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Originally Posted by Maizy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah he was a bit but I never really thought about it. My mother has told me that he is controlling and that I should leave. I don't know if I am feeling this way because of her always saying this to me or whether it's because of how I feel.
Sometimes things are great between us.

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Listen to your mother, she is right. The abuse always starts out small but over time it starts to get worse, and worse. I know what being in an abusive relationship is all about, and it never gets better. The only time it's good is when you appease him which means he is oppressing you from having any kind of social life, and independence. You will start to lose friends, he will tell you to stop taking to your family etc. He will do it with passive aggressive manipulation. Get out now!

I think you should leave too. A lot has changed since you met. Some couples change and grow together-others grow apart. And he does not like how you have changed and is trying to force you backwards. Change is a part of life and he cannot accept that. Good for you for setting up a business. Sounds like you have a lot going for you so do not stay a second longer with a man who does not value you or respect you. You can do better

Have you asked him to stop? If you have & he hasn't then you have to think about what you want.

Him trying to dictate where you go & what you do is a problem. Him wanting to isolate you is a problem. Him not being happy that you are growing as a person is a problem.

Remind him that he's the one telling you that you will be better off without him & that if he doesn't stop being a jerk you will take him up on that prophecy.

Yes I have asked him to change and in all fairness he has changed. But I don't know how long for. We have started over so many times due to arguments. I have told him that I cannot do it again. I have also told him, if he tells me to leave one more time I will go. He is lovely at the moment which makes me think I am over reacting

Last night (and a few other times) he asked what I thought marriage meant. He told me we need to be together all the time. Married people shouldn't spend time apart. He told me he needs to be with me, that he can't be without me. Is that not him being nice?

I do love him.

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Originally Posted by Maizy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Last night (and a few other times) he asked what I thought marriage meant. He told me we need to be together all the time. Married people shouldn't spend time apart. He told me he needs to be with me, that he can't be without me. Is that not him being nice?

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No, it's him being obsessive and codependent. You should leave him, your mother is right. Listen to your guts, they will tell you the same thing. You deserve better.

I can't just leave

Why not? What's stopping you? You don't have kids and you are financially independent, if you don't know where to go for the time being you can move back in with your parents until you find a place.

Especially when now he is trying so hard

He is trying to change. Christmas is next week. His eldest is 18 next month. They can't afford to live here on their own

And I do love him

Then why did you ask for advice? You already know what you are going to do.

Maybe leaving is not the best option right now. Your married so U can understand your resistance to just go. However, I do feel you dont know your own mind right now. Thats the impression i am getting-that he could have you a little brainwashed to the point your not sure whats healthy and whats not. I think you should see a counsellor alone right now and try to be more independent.

Maybe you could consider marriage counselling but this man is 16 years older, from a different generation and may have different beliefs to you. Maybe your just not compatable

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Originally Posted by Maizy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Last night (and a few other times) he asked what I thought marriage meant. He told me we need to be together all the time. Married people shouldn't spend time apart. He told me he needs to be with me, that he can't be without me. Is that not him being nice?

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No that is being controlling. He meant that you shouldn't be out enjoying yourself with other people, that you should be at home with him so he can keep an eye on you.

Couples need to spend time to do their own thing....having a life outside the relationship is healthy, but to him it's a threat.

Telling you that he needs to be with you all the time is not healthy, It's not him being "nice". It's him being controlling. It's bad. You're married not Siamese twins.

He's gone out tonight to a works xmas party, I didn't go because they all dislike me (I used to work there and fell out with the management) He knew I didn't want to go and said he wouldn't force me into anything. So I am at home whilst he is there. That's nice isn't it?
I am so confused

Write a list of pros and cons

pros: reasons you should stay
Cons: reasons you should leave

It'll hurt but maybe you ought to start entertaining the idea of moving on....

Could it be possible he was feeding a bunch of bs to his co-workers that you were causing problems in the relationship? It wouldn't surprise me.

You need to give him some good oral sex. Seriously. It's Biblical and perfectly in order. It may even be in the prayer book, I'm not sure. Maybe an index, but it's in there. That would make him feel loved and have a lot better outlook on things. And he can feel like he is a man and has something to offer this family.

For Christmas, you need to give him a good bj. Merry Christmas. Blessings. :-)

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Originally Posted by anastasis [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

For Christmas, you need to give him a good bj. Merry Christmas. Blessings. :-)

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Yeah, I'm sure a good BJ will solve all these problems. Meanwhile back here on 'Planet Reality'.......

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Originally Posted by Boisdevie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah, I'm sure a good BJ will solve all these problems. Meanwhile back here on 'Planet Reality'.......

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I think it would bolster the relationship in positive ways. And I think they would both feel a lot better. It should happen. Book it.

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Originally Posted by Maizy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can't just leave

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Lady Maizy
I feel for your situation. When your in love with someone that isn't always good for you or good to you but when their sweet, their just oh so sweet; yeah, doesn't make it easy to get up and go. Might have to take yourself out of the situation and look in, get some perspective.

Ask yourself, if you were a Mom, and your daughter was dealing with what your dealing with, how would that make you feel.

Leaving someone can be a scary task, especially if a fair share of control issues are involved.
He either needs to get a grip and find comfort in the fact you have a life and other things to do aside from be there for him. If the love is strong, and it isn't a case of 'keeping you in a box' so to speak, he'd want to know how your feeling. That his actions are clipping your wings.
We must inspire our partners, not bring them down; and I'm sorry to say, but it does sound like he's trying to clip your wings and that simply isn't acceptable.

If your Mother is worried about you, there must be a valid reason.
I know we get protective of our spouses.

Break it on down. Do your pro's and con's, talk to him and see if he's even receptive to making things better all round. You'll find some answers that way.
and if he gets mean and nasty, have a bag packed and when he's asleep, leave.
At the very least, this act will confirm your serious that something needs to change. Might give him the jolt he needs to fully understand that those wings are made for flying.

be strong. You can do this. It will not be easy but anything worth fighting for never is. And when I say fight, I mean for you. You've got to fight for yourself.

Unfortunately, lack of marital satisfaction during the first few years of marriage is a common problem among married couples.Usually, both partners have very high expectations about their marriage and get easily frustrated when something goes wrong. According to a research, there are several factors that predict marital satisfaction.One of them is realistic expectations which means that spouses should not assume that they instinctively know how to make each other happy without being told. In your case I would suggest to talk to your husband about what you really expect from each other.But it has to be a staight forward conversation to clarify all misconceptions. Another factor that predicts marital satisfaction is shared interests. In fact, if you want to make your marriage work out there is nothing better than to start doing something together. I understand that you are a busy woman; however, if you want to make your marriage happier this is the best way to do so!

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