Needing a males perspective...

Okay, so I'll try to make this as short as possible.

When I was very young I was raped. The councillor I was seeing a couple of years ago said that this affected my ability to respect myself and my body while growing up and going through my school years.

I slept with someone at the age of 13, I was young and stupid. I also believed I loved this guy, so when it all fell to pieces, so did I. From the age of 13-14 I had 6 sexual partners. Then from the age of 15-16 I had another 7. I grew up a lot after that and slept with 4 (all boyfriends I was with for 6 months+) between the age of 16-20.

I regret my stupidity when was a teenager and wish I could go back and change a few things from my past. But unfortunately, I can't. So what I want to know is how do I tell the next guy I date that I have slept with 17 people? I feel so ashamed. I don't want to lie because I believe honesty is very important, but I'm worried that he will think badly of me. My last couple of boyfriends never asked my number, so I was grateful for that. But what if the next one does and he's the one? Will it all fall to pieces because of my high numberr? I'm so embarrassed. I don't feel like a slut, but what if the next guy I meet thinks I am?

Male advice would be muchly appreciated, thanks guys,

Narny

I think 17 is not much. How about girls who go out every friday night? Its like 4 months of work to achieve this number. Some girls are just naturaly ataractive and friendly so they get more sex. Its good that guys finds you attractive cause otherwise you would be here complaining about your virginity and that no one needs you.

You can look back in the past and regret mistakes or see them as steps to sucsess. Also its easy to see things from negative or positive point of view but what it takes to put a little love in every thought and action. Will that change how you feel?

Would it, Narny?

Well, I imagined what that would feel like for me and uhh.. I'd be shocked. But it would have to depend on my feelings towards you as a person before you told me this. If I really liked you, I don't think that'd be a dealbreaker for me.
I like the fact that you want to be honest about it, that alone is worth something.

I'm not a guy but I'd think that the fact that you actually have gotten (are getting) help for what caused you to be promiscuous is much more important than your number. Also, that you were discerning with me (if I were a guy) and actually got to know me before you had sex with me would show me that you've grown from your troubled past.

Sadly, there are men out there that don't care much about who you are now and will hold you're past against you. It's those men that you have to be careful with because they will gladly share themselves with you but they'll not view in a serious manner. That is why, IMO, it is very important that you get to know who you are with, how they view things like this see if they have any double standards and form an emotional bond with them prior to bedding them.

That way, YOU will be looking after your own emotional health.

Why tell him at all? Are you carrying a disease he needs to know about? Is it really any of his business?

We react in awful ways to the hurts that are done to us... and you reacted fairly normally and harmlessly to some grievous harm. It's not that terrible a thing you've done, really.

I have heard plenty of BIG numbers in my day from girls. Bigger than what you're describing. A lot of girls I've come across have lost count by mid 20s (some guys too). And I don't think the company I keep is anything out of the ordinary.

Chris Rock said it best in his stand-up. Asking about how many sexual partners someone had in the past, and trying to seriously weigh that in with your assessment of the person, is stupid. There's no good answer to that question. If someone's asking, it better be detached curiosity that's not gonna impact anything. If a guy asks you and has a problem with your answer, that's his insecurity showing.

If it's the right guy, it won't matter to him and he won't think of you as a slut. I'm speaking from experience when I say that... I went through a lot of sleeping around as well which ultimately led to some truly bad things, so I can kind of imagine how you must feel in that sense...though I know I can't relate 100%. And I was afraid to tell those I've dated about things like that due to the fact I was afraid they'd think the same thing. But I met a great guy that I fell in love with, and even better he returns it. I'll always know that he returns it because of the fact he knows absolutely everything that I have never shared with another soul in my entire life. And after each of the things, I just kept telling him that I hope he didn't think bad thoughts about me and that it was who I was-not who I am now. In the end, he just told me that it never changed or would change the way he feels about me...

The point of that story is, OP, that that is the indication that it's the right guy. Because the right guy will look at you and see everything- absolutely everything- all your flaws, all your strengths, and who you are. And, most important, he'll look past those flaws to see that you are a terrific person and that your past is not your future. He'll see that, while it happened, it shaped you into who you are, and for being who you are, he will love you. Truly love you for you.

He's out there, OP, and he's looking for you. And you two will find each other. Don't think for a second that it won't happen because it will. Sure, you may go through some disappoints with some men and have a few breakups, but you WILL find him.
No matter what, it gets better. Just remember that.

Tell him the same thing I tell every woman who's ever asked me: "That's none of your business".

Narny, the person who asks that question is immature and the person who responds to that question is also immature. A decent question would be how long have you been single, have you ever been in a serious relationship, or something like that. You can mention your last serious relationship but do not give any guy an account of all your serious boyfriends or sexual partners. It doesn't matter if you had 1 partner or 17, your sexual history concerns you and only you and you have the right to privacy. Who can't understand that needs some serious growing up to do.

If anyone asked me that, I would probably laugh and say that's none of your business and brush it off. Yes, a question like that could only be some kind of joke.

I think the main number guys are concerned about is the number of guys you have slept with while dating them. We prefer that number to be one. ;-)

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Originally Posted by dickriculous [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Tell him the same thing I tell every woman who's ever asked me: "That's none of your business".

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If a man answered a question about how many relationships he's been in, compared to how many partners he's had, with "that's none of your business" well, That would be enough of a red flag for me to cut all contact. Thats why, (God forbid) if I ever have to start dating again, I'll get that question out there early.

OP: My suggestion is if they ask you your number, tell them the serious relationships you've been in so far.
Its understandable why you want to confess how many sexual partners you've had (compared to actual relationships) but I don't think you need to confess that number unless you've actually been asked specifically. If its a deal breaker for him, then for your own emotional well being, it's best you find out early, before you've fallen for him and he you.

I also think it would also be a good idea that you answer his question (should he pose it) with another one first, like... "Why is more then one a deal breaker for you?" :)

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Originally Posted by ca23012 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i have heard plenty of big numbers in my day from girls. Bigger than what you're describing. A lot of girls i've come across have lost count by mid 20s (some guys too). And i don't think the company i keep is anything out of the ordinary.

Chris rock said it best in his stand-up. Asking about how many sexual partners someone had in the past, and trying to seriously weigh that in with your assessment of the person, is stupid. There's no good answer to that question. If someone's asking, it better be detached curiosity that's not gonna impact anything. If a guy asks you and has a problem with your answer, that's his insecurity showing.

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thumps up!

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If a man answered a question about how many relationships he's been in, compared to how many partners he's had, with "that's none of your business" well, That would be enough of a red flag for me to cut all contact. Thats why, (God forbid) if I ever have to start dating again, I'll get that question out there early.

OP: My suggestion is if they ask you your number, tell them the serious relationships you've been in so far.
Its understandable why you want to confess how many sexual partners you've had (compared to actual relationships) but I don't think you need to confess that number unless you've actually been asked specifically. If its a deal breaker for him, then for your own emotional well being, it's best you find out early, before you've fallen for him and he you.

I also think it would also be a good idea that you answer his question (should he pose it) with another one first, like... "Why is more then one a deal breaker for you?" :)

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As long as we're talking strictly about numbers, I'd say it's perfectly appropriate to dismiss the question (though perhaps in a nicer way than 'none of your business'). There may be other questions about past relationships worth asking (tread with extreme caution), but asking for numbers only creates unfair prejudice against the person.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If a man answered a question about how many relationships he's been in, compared to how many partners he's had, with "that's none of your business" well, That would be enough of a red flag for me to cut all contact.

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Maybe "it's none of your business" isn't the best reply, but I'm certainly not going to play that game the way I am expected to.

There is a big difference between those two questions. The serious relationship question is relatively free of the red tape stranglehold applied to it by generations of overbearing and sanctimonious politics that has warped the way people think about the sexual partners question. On top of that (and to no small extent, because of that), if you ask me "how many serious relationships have you had", it's believable to me that this is actually a question of honest curiosity. My experience, however, is that "how many women have you been with?" is never any such thing - at least from women who are interested in me. It's far more likely to be a shit test and if you play that game any which way other than by your own rules you lose. Hell, even when other guys ask me that question I still get the feeling that it's more them sizing me up than it is an honest curiosity thing.

It is about 'sizing you up' no doubt.

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but asking for numbers only creates unfair prejudice against the person.

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The Op's point entirely. We can all tell her that it doesn't matter, but shes not naive and understands that to many people, it does.

Whether asking the question is mature (or not) doesn't matter if she really likes the guy and he decides that he needs to know that number. Her saying "none of your business" isn't going to satisfy him. in my opinion, it shouldn't satisfy any women either, but as I've said before, more women then not, it appears don't seem to judge a man for his number like a many, many men do a woman for hers.

I think a lot of people will ask questions about past relationships, in which case you can give a detail here or there at your discretion. The numbers question might get asked a lot too, but in my experience, questions like that tend to come up in light-hearted fashion when you're already in there with someone, and it would take a really out-there response for it to have any impact on the relationship at that point. The OP seems to think her answer would be one of those out-there responses, and like I said, I don't think it is.

IMO though, girls have a conventional discretionary standard on their side (e.g it's rude to ask a lady her age etc.), and she can fall back on that to dismiss the question if someone is daring enough to ask it.

It wouldn't surprise me if it turned out girls ask these questions of men more often than vice versa, for fear she might be another notch on the belt. I think most guys just want to be the center of their own universe, and would sooner shut their eyes and cover their ears before wanting to know anything about a girl's past relationships. Among the guys I know, they don't ask and they don't wanna know.

On a side note, the only times I have heard a girl's numbers were in open conversation with more than two people (usually involving alcohol), and in another instance I asked a girl her number in rebuttal to her asking me first. I have never initiated that line of questioning, nor would I ever care to. Most cases, a girl just wants to tell me about her past, which then segue-ways into her asking about mine.

IMO If a guy is gonna ask the OP for a number and she dismisses it on discretionary grounds, and the guy refuses to let it go until he gets a number that he is satisfied with, that should be her red flag.

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The numbers question might get asked a lot too, but in my experience, questions like that tend to come up in light-hearted fashion when you're already in there with someone, and it would take a really out-there response for it to have any impact on the relationship at that point

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Are you kidding? Have you seen how many threads get started in this particular forum alone (never mind the hundreds of other ones out there) where a man has fallen in love, thinks the girl is perfect for him but wants to break up with her because her promiscuous past is something he can NOT wrap his lizard brain around and the OCD thinking on it is ruining the bond? The brain he has that has not yet evolved from the days of men can have many to spread their seed but woman should not because she needs to be discerning.

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IMO If a guy is gonna ask the OP for a number and she dismisses it on discretionary grounds, and the guy refuses to let it go until he gets a number that he is satisfied with, that should be her red flag.

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Exactly why I recommend she get that conversation out there early.

Well if there a lot of guys that get hung up on that, then the OP should appreciate that if a relationship doesn't work out because the guy has an issue with her past, that's his problem and not hers, and instead of being sorrowful she lost him, be glad she dodged the bullet of going any further with an obsessive jealous type

Looking at the previous posts, you seem to advise on one hand how to avoid answering the number question directly, and on the other you advise to get the conversation out there early. To clarify, are you saying open up the conversation about past relationships early on, and see if the number question gets brought up? I suppose that's a good way to catch any warning signs early on, to see where his line of questioning goes, and how he handles your answers.

But again, if we can agree that the number question is ridiculous, then on that basis alone you should be able to stick to your guns and not answer it, rather than think up clever ways around it. There's plenty of other past relationship questions you can answer, but that shouldn't be one of them. And whether you like the guy or not, if his make-or-break status with you hinders on that question being answered, then he's not worth your time. And if there's a lot of them, then you just have to sort through the weeds.

I answered how I view what Op should be congnisant of when/if she dates a guy that may very well care that she's not on par with what he can accept, his own personal boundaries and his own sensibilities when it comes to being discerning or not.

Some people, believe it or not have standards that they themselves would not cross and they take offense when someone else has crossed the very boundaries they would not. It's best to find out compatibility in all aspects early on, quite calmly and matter of factly. What you learn as you get to know one another can be processed when you're away from one another and have had time to decide if who you're interested in is worth going forward with or is what you've learned just not someone that you feel is like yourself in boundaries.

That being said. Op can't change her past but she has done work to change what she her own self is not happy with. That, as I said has worth. Hopefully if she gets with someone who cares about non-promiscuity, he will be wise enough to take that into consideration.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Some people, believe it or not have standards that they themselves would not cross and they take offense when someone else has crossed the very boundaries they would not.

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Yes, standards and personal boundaries, like not dating chicks who sell their body.

Not even ****ing them if they wouldnt date them even.

Some guys will care, but it's more of an ego thing if you've slept with more guys than they've slept with girls.

It's honestly not a big deal, and you can't change the past, nor can you control what someone will think of you.

As long as she is disease free, numbers don't matter unless it was ridiculous. But, I would never ask a girl that. However, if she said 0 or like 1-2 and she was around my age (32) and hadn't been married or in long term relationship(s) that would make me wonder. Nothing wrong with some experience in the bedroom, as it can make for a great time.

Honestly your number is nothing to be ashamed of at all. The only guys that will feel insecure will be the ones with less partners and who are not mentally mature enough to deal with the fact youve been with anyone but them. 17...youre fine...I slept with a girl who had over 50 or perhaps more. She was a victim of sexual abuse and was emotionally detached from sex I didnt hold it against her till she started telling me too many things in detail that made me not want to touch her. Its not about the number of partners its about your respect for the other person and theirs for you. Youre not even close to a slut trust me.

ur awesome. Not many can say they had 17 sex partners there's nothing wrong with that. U only live once.

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Originally Posted by Narny8 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Okay, so I'll try to make this as short as possible.

When I was very young I was raped. The councillor I was seeing a couple of years ago said that this affected my ability to respect myself and my body while growing up and going through my school years.

I slept with someone at the age of 13, I was young and stupid. I also believed I loved this guy, so when it all fell to pieces, so did I. From the age of 13-14 I had 6 sexual partners. Then from the age of 15-16 I had another 7. I grew up a lot after that and slept with 4 (all boyfriends I was with for 6 months+) between the age of 16-20.

I regret my stupidity when was a teenager and wish I could go back and change a few things from my past. But unfortunately, I can't. So what I want to know is how do I tell the next guy I date that I have slept with 17 people? I feel so ashamed. I don't want to lie because I believe honesty is very important, but I'm worried that he will think badly of me. My last couple of boyfriends never asked my number, so I was grateful for that. But what if the next one does and he's the one? Will it all fall to pieces because of my high numberr? I'm so embarrassed. I don't feel like a slut, but what if the next guy I meet thinks I am?

Male advice would be muchly appreciated, thanks guys,

Narny

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Dear Narny

I would suggest some form of therapy. What you have been through is a terrible trauma that has contributed to your esteem and from what you have said, the healing needs to continue on.
You must not beat yourself up over this.
It wasn't your fault.

I'm so sorry you were victimized way back when.
Your 'number' is yours and truly no one else's business and truly, it is nothing to be ashamed of.
. There may be a reason you feel the need to share everything with this future guy. Again dear Narny, please go talk to a therapist. You should not be dealing with your trauma of past, alone.

all the best
woody

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Originally Posted by bassman123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Honestly your number is nothing to be ashamed of at all. The only guys that will feel insecure will be the ones with less partners and who are not mentally mature enough to deal with the fact youve been with anyone but them. 17...youre fine...I slept with a girl who had over 50 or perhaps more. She was a victim of sexual abuse and was emotionally detached from sex I didnt hold it against her till she started telling me too many things in detail that made me not want to touch her. Its not about the number of partners its about your respect for the other person and theirs for you. Youre not even close to a slut trust me.

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Thanks for proving a point. SMH.

A smart man knows not to ask. A secure man doesn't even care.