In a relationship with a woman 15 years senior

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24-01-14, 12:16 AM
Mr Red

In a relationship with a woman 15 years senior

I'm currently in a relationship with a woman who is about 15 years older than me, i'm 21 and she is 35. I seriously want to spend the rest of my life with her and marry her, but I know with the age gap and her maturity, we will face a lot of problems that may threaten our relationship. (by the way i'm not a first language English speaker, pleave forgive my bad English)

We met eachother around a year ago and have been "officially" in relationship for around 4 months. I'm still studying in Australia and she lives in Hong Kong, so we also have to cope with the long distance.

The major problem I'm concerning about is she is way too immature at her age, she is not a independent person, she needs my care 24/7, and she is still very youthful which in fact, for me is very attractive. But the issue is, with her immaturity, I believe that sooner or later, I will be more matture than her, I'm afraid that I can no longer stand her immatureity when that day comes.

Another problem is about sex, for now she is still physically attractive, but with ageing, she will inevitabally become less physically attractive. Of course I love her not because of her physical attractiveness, but I'm afraid it might affect our sexual life as we grow older.

Honestly, she is a very charming and innocent woman, and she loves me a lot, I do not wish to fail her. So I'm not seeking advice on wether we should continue our relationship but how can I mitigate and solve these issues.
24-01-14, 12:35 AM
michelle23

No matter who you are with-they are going to age over time...

But you have only been together 4 months and there are too many obstacles. I would just end it
24-01-14, 04:10 AM
Mr Red

Thanks for your advice Michelle, but I really do think that she is a woman worth to spend my life with, and I believe I only got this one chance in my life to meet such a nice woman like her. I would rather do all I can to solve these obstacles, and by far they haven't cause us any problem, I just know they may potentially become problems, but I'm 100% confident in solving them.
24-01-14, 07:16 AM
michelle23

well how long will this be long distance for? Is she going to move to you or you to her? How often will you see each other in the meantime? How will you cope with not being able to hug her, kiss her, hold her hand, have sexual contact? What if you run out of things to talk about and get bored? What if you meet another great girl nearby who ticks just as many boxes? What if she meets someone else when you have not seen each other for like 6 months?

Most relationships take a little work but long distance takes a LOT and you both have to be fully committed.

Plus you are 21. Why would you want to be with a 36 year old woman? She is old enough to be your mother.
24-01-14, 07:55 AM
Boisdevie

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Red [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I do not wish to fail her. So I'm not seeking advice on wether we should continue our relationship but how can I mitigate and solve these issues.

1. Move to Hong Kong.
2. As if by magic reduce her age by, say, 15 years.
3. As if by magic make her act in a more mature way.

See, it's easy.
24-01-14, 09:09 AM
dem862

Well if she was emotionally mature, she might prefer to be with a man her own age. Be careful what you wish for. As for aging, it happens to everybody. She probably has another 10 years of looking decent. If your relationship lasts that long, you will probably love her for who she is and not what she looks like.
24-01-14, 09:46 AM
Starnique

It's simple. Break up with her and find someone your own age that you can grow and develop with. You wont have to worry about these problems.

I wonder what she would want with you anyway? No wonder she is so immature. She's trying her best to stay young. I always find cougars to have identity crisis. They always want to be younger then what they are and somehow dealing with a young man rejuvenates them and makes them feel like "they still got it". Trying to dress young and be young. They just look stupid.
24-01-14, 06:42 PM
Rowen

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Red [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The major problem I'm concerning about is she is way too immature at her age, she is not a independent person, she needs my care 24/7, and she is still very youthful which in fact, for me is very attractive. But the issue is, with her immaturity, I believe that sooner or later, I will be more matture than her, I'm afraid that I can no longer stand her immatureity when that day comes.

Another problem is about sex, for now she is still physically attractive, but with ageing, she will inevitabally become less physically attractive. Of course I love her not because of her physical attractiveness, but I'm afraid it might affect our sexual life as we grow older.

Honestly, she is a very charming and innocent woman, and she loves me a lot, I do not wish to fail her. So I'm not seeking advice on wether we should continue our relationship but how can I mitigate and solve these issues.

You already failed her by having this doubt...

If you're worried about her aging affecting your sex life, you're obviously not in love with her. Let's get that clear right now. Not to mention, it sounds to me like you're settling because you have such a problem with her immaturity. Love is about accepting the person for who they are...flaws included, and never wanting to change them.

Aside from that, it sounds like she's settling too for the young thing that crossed her path. She seems to be trying to hang onto her youth by having such immaturity and a constant reliance on someone, and this seems to have led her to go for someone younger.

So, in my opinion, if you're having this doubt now, it's only going to get worse. Break up with her now because the more you drag it out, the more it's going to hurt her.

Also, when you read this, I know it's tough to take in, but please remember this is not a post attacking your age gap. My last ex and I had a gap of 21 years, and we ended on good terms, so I see no problem with age gap relationships. However, I do see a problem with dragging out feelings of doubt such as yours.

Hope this helped a little..
25-01-14, 09:02 PM
Mr Red

Quote:

Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

well how long will this be long distance for? Is she going to move to you or you to her? How often will you see each other in the meantime? How will you cope with not being able to hug her, kiss her, hold her hand, have sexual contact? What if you run out of things to talk about and get bored? What if you meet another great girl nearby who ticks just as many boxes? What if she meets someone else when you have not seen each other for like 6 months?

Most relationships take a little work but long distance takes a LOT and you both have to be fully committed.

Plus you are 21. Why would you want to be with a 36 year old woman? She is old enough to be your mother.

This long distance will probably last for two more years, or at least one. We made a commitment that no matter where i go in the future, she will be there with me. We will probably see each other for a week or so every half an year. I'm alright with not having physical contact and sexual intercourse for half an year. And about talking, there is nothing to be worry about, we are both talkative person. I have decided that I will just keep a distance with other girls, and I never worry about her, if she wants to leave me, she will leave me anyway, it's out of my control, and I trust her.

Well...love is never about age isn't it? And to be honest, I had never expected this would happened in my life until I met her, but I do very much enjoy this relationship.
25-01-14, 09:32 PM
Mr Red

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rowen [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You already failed her by having this doubt...

If you're worried about her aging affecting your sex life, you're obviously not in love with her. Let's get that clear right now. Not to mention, it sounds to me like you're settling because you have such a problem with her immaturity. Love is about accepting the person for who they are...flaws included, and never wanting to change them.

Aside from that, it sounds like she's settling too for the young thing that crossed her path. She seems to be trying to hang onto her youth by having such immaturity and a constant reliance on someone, and this seems to have led her to go for someone younger.

So, in my opinion, if you're having this doubt now, it's only going to get worse. Break up with her now because the more you drag it out, the more it's going to hurt her.

Also, when you read this, I know it's tough to take in, but please remember this is not a post attacking your age gap. My last ex and I had a gap of 21 years, and we ended on good terms, so I see no problem with age gap relationships. However, I do see a problem with dragging out feelings of doubt such as yours.

Hope this helped a little..

I guess I did not make myself clear, It's not me that came up with all these issues, they are the things that the people around me had worn me about. I have faith in our relationship, and I love her for who she is, not for how she looks. But however, I do worry that maybe someday, after this honeymoon phase, these issues may potentially come true. I just want to be prepare for them and in the right state of mind so I won't fail her.

And you are absolutely right that love is about accepting, I love her for who she is, even with all the cons. I guess everyone in the honeymoon phase are like this, but how about after the honeymoon phase?
I'm just trying to be prepared for the post-honeymoon phase.

From my point of view, her mentality is just a teenagers, I don't think that she is in anyway trying to hang onto her youth. Me and her, we both know that she is immature and if we wanna have a brighter future, she will have to move on in some way. And just yesterday we had made a commitment that I will be her mentor and lead her on her way to maturity, and she is also willing to be more independent. I think this is a good start.
26-01-14, 06:31 AM
Rowen

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Red [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I guess I did not make myself clear, It's not me that came up with all these issues, they are the things that the people around me had worn me about. I have faith in our relationship, and I love her for who she is, not for how she looks. But however, I do worry that maybe someday, after this honeymoon phase, these issues may potentially come true. I just want to be prepare for them and in the right state of mind so I won't fail her.

And you are absolutely right that love is about accepting, I love her for who she is, even with all the cons. I guess everyone in the honeymoon phase are like this, but how about after the honeymoon phase?
I'm just trying to be prepared for the post-honeymoon phase.

From my point of view, her mentality is just a teenagers, I don't think that she is in anyway trying to hang onto her youth. Me and her, we both know that she is immature and if we wanna have a brighter future, she will have to move on in some way. And just yesterday we had made a commitment that I will be her mentor and lead her on her way to maturity, and she is also willing to be more independent. I think this is a good start.

But in worrying about the post-honeymoon phase, you're still setting your relationship up for failure. Remember this quote: "I think; therefore, I am." Thus, by worrying about the post-honeymoon phase, you're entering it. The honeymoon phase is all about enjoying the time with one another. If you're already worrying about the next step, you're subconsciously altering things in a way that make you unable to relax. This will only bring the phase that much sooner and create a void between the two of you.

Second, you can't be prepared for the post-honeymoon phase. Hell, if we could, do you think some of the people on this site would be single? No, you're not going to be able to prepare for it. Why? Because it's two people in a relationship- not just one. So, whatever she's going to do is still a mystery, and no matter how you brace yourself, you're still going to have to face reality. And let me tell you something; it hurts like a metal baseball bat to the head. If you keep worrying about the post-phase and trying to "prepare yourself," all it's going to do is create a void and, thus, the honeymoon phase will happen.

Third... So, you basically just described your relationship as co-dependent. Well, I think that's a shitty start, and it's not following the rules of love. If you can't act like a teenager with her or at least accept that she is that way, you don't love her. Don't you see that by telling her if you're going to have a brighter future that she needs to change her ways is really trying to control her? Controlling doesn't work, or else I'd have a patent on mind-control and be happily married. Co-dependency doesn't work because it expects too much out of one another.

You're manifesting your fear, OP. Paint it any color you want to. At this rate, I doubt it'll last until summer... I'm sorry, but it's true.
26-01-14, 09:24 PM
AnErin

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Red [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

...she is 35. I seriously want to spend the rest of my life with her and marry her, but I know with the age gap and her maturity, we will face a lot of problems that may threaten our relationship.

...The major problem I'm concerning about is she is way too immature at her age, she is not a independent person, she needs my care 24/7, and she is still very youthful which in fact, for me is very attractive. But the issue is, with her immaturity, I believe that sooner or later, I will be more matture than her...

Another problem is about sex, for now she is still physically attractive, but with ageing, she will inevitabally become less physically attractive. Of course I love her not because of her physical attractiveness, but I'm afraid it might affect our sexual life as we grow older.

Her immaturity is probably nothing more than the fact that people revert back to childhood mentality when they are getting old and senility sets in.

Well, yes she is reaching that age when she may be thinking of her own mortality. If she needs care 24/7 and is no longer independent, you might want to look into putting her in hospice or home hospice. Sadly, it is the final stage of life but the hospice workers are very good.

Intimacy will be an issue. She probably suffers from vaginal dryness at her ripe old age of 35 so when things do get intimate, do not complain and try not to laugh when she needs KY Jelly to keep things "smooth".

I believe you should stick with her. She does not have many years left to live and you have been by her side this long, she needs you now more than ever. Please make the best of what little time she has left.
27-01-14, 12:14 PM
Rowen

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnErin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Her immaturity is probably nothing more than the fact that people revert back to childhood mentality when they are getting old and senility sets in.

What the **** are you smoking? I bet you and Puff are having a great time flying.
27-01-14, 12:21 PM
smackie9

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Red [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm currently in a relationship with a woman who is about 15 years older than me, i'm 21 and she is 35. I seriously want to spend the rest of my life with her and marry her, but I know with the age gap and her maturity, we will face a lot of problems that may threaten our relationship. (by the way i'm not a first language English speaker, pleave forgive my bad English)

We met eachother around a year ago and have been "officially" in relationship for around 4 months. I'm still studying in Australia and she lives in Hong Kong, so we also have to cope with the long distance.

The major problem I'm concerning about is she is way too immature at her age, she is not a independent person, she needs my care 24/7, and she is still very youthful which in fact, for me is very attractive. But the issue is, with her immaturity, I believe that sooner or later, I will be more matture than her, I'm afraid that I can no longer stand her immatureity when that day comes.

Another problem is about sex, for now she is still physically attractive, but with ageing, she will inevitabally become less physically attractive. Of course I love her not because of her physical attractiveness, but I'm afraid it might affect our sexual life as we grow older.

Honestly, she is a very charming and innocent woman, and she loves me a lot, I do not wish to fail her. So I'm not seeking advice on wether we should continue our relationship but how can I mitigate and solve these issues.

Don't think so far into the future because well lets be honest, you two do not have a future together, that's a given. You are just infatuated in her, which is fine, but in time it will wear off and you will be banging some other chick eventually. I say just enjoy what you have for now, and let nature and time deal with the rest. You can't spray a turd gold and turn it into gold....it's still a turd no matter how hard you wish is wasn't.
27-01-14, 12:56 PM
Wakeup

Quote:

I had never expected this would happened in my life until I met her, but I do very much enjoy this relationship.

Then enjoy it until you don't anymore and quit trying to self-sabotage it. Nothing is guaranteed. You will either split up from a breakup or when one of you dies. No sense overthinking anything at this point.

Oh, BTW: just sayin but: I would consider her "childlike" behaviour a red flag though. That's not a possitive attribute by any means.
28-01-14, 02:00 AM
chester1066

I agree with some of the above, however, I think what you are asking for is not an answer as to whether or not you should LEAVE her? is that right?
You say you love her and that she is the woman you want to be with? Then be with her. You are 21 years old... you may not always feel that way about her - but equally, you may not always feel that way about another younger woman, a woman of similar age to you. You never know what will happen. Just be with her and accept her age if you want to be with her in the present moment. You are thinking way too far ahead in the future. There is ONLY the now, the present. I understand you dont want to let her down...you HAVENT let her down. If in the future this happens, then it happens - relationships will not always last forever. I am 39 and I dated two people who were 22 (16 years my younger) - not purposely, it just happened - we were attracted to each other. I was VERY aware of the age gap and it did feel a little odd, and people did comment and I begun to get confliciting 'advice' from people. BUT at the time I felt happy and as far as I could tell, they were happy :) I didnt think it would last forever, but for that time we made some lovely connections. Be happy, dont think to the future always and enjoy what you have xx
28-01-14, 05:48 AM
Rowen

Quote:

Originally Posted by chester1066 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I agree with some of the above, however, I think what you are asking for is not an answer as to whether or not you should LEAVE her? is that right?

He's asking for advice. And we're using our experiences to give him perspective... If people ask for fictional answers, we're going to give them reality... x.x