Am I right to be suspicious? Or am I just being Paranoid?

First hello everyone and thanks for reading this :)

If you don't want to read a lot skip down to "The problem now..." and you will see what is bugging me. It is kinda long I'm sorry but there is a lot of little detail.

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and 3 months, I am 24 and she is 23.

Some Background on our relationship, can skip down to the next bold statement if you dont want to read

When we first started dating she was still friends with her ex that she was with for 3 years, I was ok with this, not happy about it because she obviously found him very attractive, but she had known him for like 7 years and who am I to come in and say who she can't be friends with.

Let it be noted that he and I look alike, blond hair, 6'2" or so, light eyes, athletic build.

Well one day her and I had plans to go to dinner, and she broke them to go to a poetry reading with him, she wore a dress and he wore a suit and they had a great time.

I lost it, I was furious, its one thing to hang out, but to break our date to hang out with him, that was too much. It almost ended right there, but then we actually became closer after the huge fight we had. To make this shorter, he isn't around any more, doesn't even live in the same part of the country.

She started a new job in June. One of her coworkers is David. One day she says to me "You know one of your sisters or friends should date David, he is cute"

One day I visited her at work, and she introduced me to everyone except David, I see him at a distance though, and like myself and her ex, he is 6'2"ish , blond, athletic build, light eyes.

I notice that a lot of the times when she hangs out with "friends" from work she is hanging out with David and a few other people, and its almost always at David's place. BBQs and such, I have NEVER been invited.

A few weeks after that I was going to meet her at her apartment, she was hanging out with "people from work" but I would stay with her later.

I packed up an overnight bag and drove the 40 minute drive to her place. I got to her place and she was supposed to meet me around midnight. 1 am rolls around and she isn't there. I tried calling her cell 3 times. No answer. So I am just sitting there in my car feeling like an idiot.

Finally I get ahold of her, she is on her way. She gets there and says "they" went for a walk. I ask why didn't she call, she said she left her cell phone in her car and didn't realize till they were far away from it, then she lost track of time.

I was extremely mad, I thought she might have got in a car accident or something, I am really mad at this point so I am like "So you just decided to ditch me and go hang out with some dude all night?" Now the look on her face when I said this wasn't guilt or anything, it was just a "What the hell are you talking about?" kind of look. Eventually we stopped fighting, and I forgot about it for a while.

Soon after, we are laying in bed and one of her female friends calls, she says "I'm hanging out with my boyfriend". A few minutes later, David calls. Her tone of voice completely changes, he asks what is she doing and she says "Oh nothing, just sitting here" never even mentions I am laying next to her the whole time. Then she gets up and leaves the room, and when she comes back 10 minutes later shes off the phone.

A couple days later she is in the living room, phone rings, and she just looks down at it and doesn't answer. I say "Whos that?" she says "Someone from work". This happens a lot, she never answers the phone around me when it is "people from work". Then she answers the phone a few days later, and that tone of voice comes back, I know she is talking to David, she leaves the room again, comes back off the phone.

I confront her and shes like "What is the big deal? He has a girlfriend, It isn't like that, I don't want a paranoid jealous boyfriend". So I let it slide.

The problem now...

Then suddenly after this she NEVER mentions hanging out with work people anymore, never mentions David ever.

We are laying on the couch. Her friend Jenny calls. Jenny is going to a movie tonight. Phone rings again a few minutes later. She runs out of the room to talk on it. When she comes back she says she is going to "Visit Jenny at 8:30 or so" So I leave her place at 8 pm almost exactly. She calls me around 8:30 and says she is on her way to "Jenny's house".

I sit down and look up movie times, the movie her friend Jenny was going to see started a 8 pm, it is 2 hours long, so best case scenario Jenny got out of the movie at 10:00 pm, but more than likely a lot later then that and wouldn't get home till 10:45ish.

So either she lied to me, or Jenny just decided to skip the movie. I call her at 11:30, I ask "So how was the movie?" she says "what?" has no idea what I mean. I say "You said Jenny was going to a movie, how was it?" She says "Oh........um......I didn't even think to ask, I'll ask next time"

A few days later she is "hanging out with Sarah" I call her cell randomly, it always takes her like 10 minutes to call me back instead of 1 or 2 like ususal, and she says she is "In the car driving home" I can tell she isn't in the car, in fact, the background sounds exactly like when I called her at "Jennys house" No noise at all in the background, as if she is in a bathroom or something at a house, she was NOT driving in her car as I have talked to her countless times when she is driving.

Last night we were laying in bed and I put my arm around her, and out of the blue she says "I'm all yours" could just be fun bedroom chat...or something else, why would she say that out of thin air while we are laying?

This morning was the kicker for me. I am sitting in her car, she drove me to her apartment the night before. Her cell is in her purse in my lap. The phone rings and I look down and it says DAVID on the screen. She looks really uncomfortable, grabs the phone and says "Hey I'll call you right back" and hangs up. Then she looks at me and says "Just so you don't have to hear me talk" and laughs nervously.

She calls me after she drops me off and says "A bunch of people from work are going biking but I'm working, sad" Then later she says she was invited to a BBQ. I tried calling her at random times, couldn't get a hold of her till midnight and she says she "Just drove around town, went to Barnes & Noble......hung out by myself"

I have a feeling Steve called to invite her over after work this morning, then she spent all day with him, and left at midnight.

So what should I do? I really love her, but I have the feeling something is going on. On one hand, if I am just being paranoid, I could ruin a good thing, she is the nicest woman I have ever met, everyone loves her. Maybe she doesn't talk about it around me because she doesn't want to fight.

However maybe she thinks I am stupid and won't notice any of this, and she has something going on.

I don't know what to do. Should I have a talk with her tommorow? Just forget about it? Think I need to stop jumping to conclusions?

Thanks a lot.

Umm, do you have a cliff note version?

I only read "the problem now" section, but it does sound kind of suspicious (based only on that portion). You'd better start talking to your girl...

I read your whole story... and ack does this situation suck.

I had an ex girlfriend that use to do similair things and it would piss me the hell off. Like answer the phone, and if it was her girl-friends she'd talk in front of me, but if it was a guy calling she'd leave the room. One time she was talkin for like 20 mins while I was downstairs at her house, I felt like such an idiot (cause I knew the guy she was talkin to liked her, she was just 'friends' with him though) so I got up and left her house without sayin anything. I also hated it when we'd be doing something and a guy would call and ask what she's doin and she'd just be like "Oh nothin, just sittin here" I'd always be like "..with my boyfriend"

But you either have to trust her or not man. It's hard to say, cause I'm no good in those type of situations. It's like, I have no problem with my girl having guy friends and talkin to them, but when you have to leave the room and she never acknowledges you.. that's when I get fishey and let her know that kind of shit don't fly with me.

I can't believe she stood you up for her ex... I would have lost it there too LoL. I would try to have a calm talk with her, and just let her know what's bothering you and ask her why she never acknowledges you to her male friends, and why she has to leave the room to talk to them. Also maybe just invite yourself next time she goes to one of the "BBQ's" of David's. Find out what's really goin on. Kind of weird that she wouldn't bring her boyfriend to a gathering with her friends... don't you think?

But yeah I'd definately talk with her... doesn't sound too good from your post - but we are only hearing one side too.

I haven't read a word. Too lazy right now. Can anyone tell me if it's worth reading?

Yeah it's worth readin.

Ok. I don't know how you let it go this long without talking to her. Dude, she is definitely seeing some other guys on the side. Let her know you know. then tell her she needs to think what she wants out of the relationship, b/c the two of you obviously don't want the same things. Tell her to think about it and call you in a few days. If she calls, great, talk it thru. If not, let her go. I know it sucks, but you'd end up be miserable for awhile until the two of you break up anyway.

arrggh ... i HATE ppl like your GF man , just dump her right away i say , and make it memorable so she wont forget to screw around with other men while she already has a BF . Go to a decent/ nice little place , eat , try to talk , then if she doesnt admit , i would dump her right then and there and let her know that all along i always suspected something about her being a whore , and i would humiliate her in front of ppl ... then again , thats my anger talking ... but whatever you do , DO NOT STAY WITH HER !!! These kind of girls are the type that make guys go insane and commit murder .

Thank you for reading it guys I appreciate it, I know its long.

Then today here is the kicker, she says she is working a "split shift" off at 3 then she would call me, and she would probably be back on at 5. At work I can always call her cell and she calls me back in couple minutes, 3 is long passed and I can't get ahold of her at all.

I think we need to have a talk, bleh.

I'm so sorry.

She really isn't being very considerate, not at all. It doesn't sound like you're her priority, if she won't invite you along to parties? I'm all for people having independent lives in relationships, but I am not sure from what you say that she is being totally honest. Trust your gut.

Good luck with the talk. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Fill us in.

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Originally Posted by clynn

I'm so sorry.
....
Fill us in.

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Will do, turns out she actually called me today but it was right before I got home, assuming she is working her double shift now. Thing is she has never had to work a double shift till tonight. Hmmm, weird.

Anyone that took the time to read my essay deserves a follow up :P

Yea I would have a talk with her, but you gotta put your foot down and not stand for any of that paranoid boyfriend BS, I would advise you to take teh offensive, you need to establish yourself well, if she tries to interrupt you tell her to listen to you and to let you finish... Im gonna be straight I think shes cheating and i think deep down inside you know shes cheating, you jsut don't want to admit it, I know I wouldn't... Dude jsut check it out, if I told you my gf:

1. Failed to acknkowledge my presence
2. Did not invite me to these social events where teh amn in question was attending
3. Lied to me about where she was and where she was going
4. Would get nervous or try to block the converstaion when it came to the other guy
5. Her behaviour has changed (calling you back)

I bet you you would slap me in the face and say "SEBA WAKE THE F*** UP SHES PLAYIN U DAWG" I dont wanna put you down or anythin bro cause I feel for ya ma ex cheated on me to, smsing the guy the whole time msot of the same BS you said...I went out of town for a week the night I left they were already sucking each others faces off...I hope it works out man but dont waste your energy on soemone who is not worth it...hope it all works out fot the better brother

Seba

Yeah, Seba has a good point - try to look at it like it's not you and your g/f in this situation. Read it as if it was one of your friends tellin you this..

keep us updated!

it's very interesting story

too bad i cant give u advice.

Sounds suspicious to me to man, there are lots of good points in the above replies to think about. The fact that you are NEVER invited leads me to assume bad, the fact that she leaves the room to talk to him, I obviously cant say one way or another what I think cuz I dont know her but I do know that if I were you I would be very suspicious/fed up, especially if she knows how much it bothers you. Shes being pretty inconsiderate of your feelings if this happens all the time and it bothers you that much. The least she could do is invite you along sometimes, if for no other reason than to meet "David" but it should be so that you can spend time with her and her friends. If nothing's going on, who's to say you couldnt be friends with the guy too? If they're just friends, she shouldnt have a problem with that. Tell her you'd like to spend some time with her at some of these outings, if she goes to them that much they must be fun and you would enjoy getting to meet all the great people she works with. If she says no, Id second think your relationship with her. Id be wondering now, but as her b/f you certainly wouldnt be out of place asking to be included more. Just seems to me that YOU should be a little higher on the priority list. When you're with somebody, you should enjoy going to social gatherings WITH your somebody, if she always leaves you home either shes up to something or not happy with some aspect of your relationship which means a long talk is in order either way IMO. Good luck with all that, keep us up to speed.

Yeah - maybe before talkin to her about anything just ask her if you can tag along with her the next outting they have. If she says sure and you go and see there's no ackwardness or any suspicious behavior you can start to think maybe it was just all in your head.

If she objects or comes up with ANY kind of excuse against it - have the talk.

I think what I am going to do is wait for her to run out of the room next time we are together again and confront her. Tell her how disrespectful I think it is. If she blows me off I will say "Next time you run out of the room like that to talk on the phone, we are over" See if she understands how much this bothers me.

That's a good idea. Instead though of saying "Next time you run out of the room like that to talk on the phone, we are over" reword it like "Next time you disrespect me and refuse to acknowledge the fact I'm your boyfriend like that we are over"

Otherwise she'll make it seem like you guys broke up over the telephone. Make sure she understands it's what's going on behind her actions that are bothering you and making you feel uncomfortable. Girls are goofy like that.

Yeah, that could work or... she'll just say "Hey, now's not a good time for me, can I call you back in a little bit??" Then "I feel like taking nap right now, maybe it would be a good time for you to go home, ok sweetie?" She will find a way out of that one for sure... but at least she shouldnt run out of the room.

Don, I read your whole story. Crazy, huh?

Anyway, when it gets to this, it means you are long over due for a real long talk. When are you guys having it? Did you set a time for talking yet?

Sometimes, when we're pissed, we tend to see the things we want to see, and even if it's something else, we have taken the situation and change it somehow so that it would fit what we want to believe.

So, sit down, have a chat. Do you get jealous if she hangs out with other guys? How do you convey that jealousy?

Hmmm, has she ever considered that maybe you'd like to hang out with her and coworkers too?

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Originally Posted by artyemi

Don, I read your whole story. Crazy, huh?

Anyway, when it gets to this, it means you are long over due for a real long talk. When are you guys having it? Did you set a time for talking yet?

Sometimes, when we're pissed, we tend to see the things we want to see, and even if it's something else, we have taken the situation and change it somehow so that it would fit what we want to believe.

So, sit down, have a chat. Do you get jealous if she hangs out with other guys? How do you convey that jealousy?

Hmmm, has she ever considered that maybe you'd like to hang out with her and coworkers too?

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Thanks for reading the Novel :P

Yeah we need to have a talk, but I want to catch her right when it happens, so she can't say I just didn't understand blah blah, right in the act of acting funny on the phone.

I don't get jealous when she hangs out with all guys no. However when she used to hang out with her ex I hated it, and since I don't know this David guy at all it bothers me. She has other guy friends at school and such, I walked passed her one day at the school cafeteria eating with a guy from her classes, I have sat down and talked to him and its cool, I don't mind at all.

It isn't so much her having guy friends, its the way she acts, when she used to talk to her ex she would act completely different then she would with her girlfriends/guyfriends. She just acted kind of funny, same was she acts with this David guy.

I just need to tell her it isn't cool at all, let her know in no uncertain terms.

Don, Don, Don. I can tell you from experience that this girl is hiding something from you. All the classic signs, my friend. Especially the 'seeing his name on the call display and her saying she'll call him back later'. If she had nothing to hide, she'd take the call in front of you. Plain and simple.

The best way to deal with this is to just tell her, without being confrontational, "I have some concerns about your relationship with your friend David, based on some behaviour of yours. Can you explain to me why you do this....this......this.....? Because it looks suspicious and it is damaging our relationship." If she flies off the handle and calls you jealous, well I'm afraid she's likely guilty. Even if she's not doing anything and gets upset about it, I think it's terms for a break up or separation.....you shouldn't have to put up with disrespectful behaviour like this.

I jsut got one question for you Don, what do you think is going on? I jsut want to get some imput from you cause most of the time when people come looking for help they already know the answer! Hope everythin has gone well these couple of days!

Seba

Punch her in the ovary and move on.

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Originally Posted by captnbackfire

Punch her in the ovary and move on.

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or **** her in the ass a couple more times and dump her on the spot after.

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Originally Posted by Haxor

or **** her in the ass a couple more times and dump her on the spot after.

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This from the 19 year old virgin...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bluesummer

"I have some concerns about your relationship with your friend David, based on some behaviour of yours. Can you explain to me why you do this....this......this.....? Because it looks suspicious and it is damaging our relationship." If she flies off the handle and calls you jealous, well I'm afraid she's likely guilty. Even if she's not doing anything and gets upset about it, I think it's terms for a break up or separation.....you shouldn't have to put up with disrespectful behaviour like this.

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Yeah, this is quite clear, straightforward, calm and respectful. I like it! Very well put.

I hope it goes well for you Don.

Hmmm....I guess you could always still try her early-day suggestion of setting this dude up with somebody? Ah, that sounds like work.

Well, you sound like a really awesome boyfriend, a great guy and totally hot to boot. She'll be sorry to lose you if she doesn't smarten up and start honouring your relationship like she should be.

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Originally Posted by clynn

Well, you sound like a really awesome boyfriend, a great guy and totally hot to boot. She'll be sorry to lose you if she doesn't smarten up and start honouring your relationship like she should be.

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Thanks that is very nice of you to say :)

New development though. Right when I got off work she called me, needed me to come give her a ride home from work because she was sick, she threw up like 5 times at work and left sick, she was completely out of it in the car, we got to her place and she runs to the bathroom immediately......not exactly the best time for a discussion like this, but it will happen in the next few days.

Hmmm.. maybe she's pregnant... with .... just instigating.. that's what my doctor would say if i went into the office and started puking... a lot...

don... you seem like a very level headed kind of guy.. i really like that...

i hope you guys have a discussion.. and that it works out..

i sort of go through this a bit with my dude.. the last time it happened, i just got out of his car and started walking, and walking, and walking, and walking. I didn't even want to talk with him anymore.

But we talk a lot and it helps when it's honest and open.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by artyemi

Hmmm.. maybe she's pregnant... with .... just instigating.. that's what my doctor would say if i went into the office and started puking... a lot...
*snip*
i sort of go through this a bit with my dude.. the last time it happened, i just got out of his car and started walking, and walking, and walking, and walking. I didn't even want to talk with him anymore.

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Well she is on the pill so I am not too worried about that :P

Yeah it is good to be open, an hopefully it will work out, thanks.

OK I think I will lower everyone's opinion of me by telling you this, but hey, I already posted so much may as well be honest. I feel bad about this but, whats done is done.

Its funny how something can be right in front of you and you never think of it.

From time to time my g/f will call me when she is without net access and ask me to check her email for her, so I log on and tell her if she has msgs. It has been a few months since shes done this, but earlier today she asked me to check while she was driving to work. So I check for her msgs, then pause right when I was about to close the window.

So after thinking it through for a minute I decided what the hell. Yes I realize this is low, but hey, I know she is lying to me, even if she isn't cheating she has been acting very funny and not telling me where she is going, so though it doesn't make it right I went ahead.

I skimmed a few msgs, looked back as far as when she started her new job, this is rather pointless in one way since her "friend" at work doesn't own a computer, a tidbit she told me before she completely stopped mentioning his name.

I figure there might be other things, I look at msgs from friends, plenty of people asking how her and I are doing but nothing in reply, she doesn't save sent msgs so no luck there. Finally I find a few msgs from friends back in town, they just mention how they should all go out one night.

Finally I see one from people from work. She mentions she is sorry she couldn't make the poker game, because she was busy with family, and that it is some guy at works birthday soon, so maybe they should have a party for him. Eh. That isn't much.

She isn't a stupid girl so I am sure if she had a msg saying "Yeah I'm cheating! blah blah" she would have deleted it immediately.

Feel kinda dirty, especially since I didn't find anything out.

Oh well /me goes to wash hands.

Aaaaah, you can be forgiven. I'm really glad you didn't find anything. That would have been yucky. First off, we're still hoping nothing is going on. Second, you would have to be quiet about finding out and still have to dig it out of her. Finally, it is in your best interest, and hers, for you to have the difficult discussion with her face to face.

Well, once again, picking her up from work cuz she is sick and puking? You really are an awesome guy.

Lets hope that you're totally wrong on all of this, and she can reassure you and maybe she'll even feel badly for having been insensitive (likely unknowingly) to your insecurities.

You don't have to be accusatory or aggressive when you have the discussion. It should really come from a place of concern about your relationship.

Once again, all the best.

hmm very interesting story, plz keep us updated.

and if u can, please share how u met her and how u started dating with her... and spare some advice too.

and the comment i made earlier, it was just a joke :P

Yeah don't worry about it man... if she wasn't acting the way she is - you would never have the urge to look through her e-mails. You didn't find anything which is good, like clynn said... but you shouldn't feel too bad about it. I wouldn't say you were too far out of line given the way she's been acting.

Forgive and Forget, we all forgive you so forget it ever happend :p, Donn I hope this turns out all right, I guess it would become one of those memories that you always look back on feel kinda stupid and laugh! Good Luck Bro and keep us updated!

Seba

talk to her. if she doesnt admit. then leave her. you deserve so much better.

good luck

Not paranoid at all, this situation doesn't seem right. Have a good talk with her.

daaaaaaaaaamn. it's hard when this person is somebody from work.

anyway, that would piss me off. if my boyfriend were doing those things i would dump him.

Ok

Bottom of the 9th now I think.

Since she has been really, really sick this week I decided to let it slide and bring it up when the time was right, I wanted to catch her doing something fishy, and confront her immediately.

While she was sick over the weekend, I grabbed her cellphone and checked incoming and missed calls, guess what? David calls her almost as much as I do. Doh!

Tonight was the real kicker though. She is off work at 10-10:30ish, so I call her cell at 10:30, she is driving and I say "Where you going?" she says "To hang out at Stephs house". (Steph is one of her friends blah blah). She said "Steph just wants to hang out and talk about her b/f since she might move out and all". Then she says "I will stop by your place at 12:30 or so".

We continue talking and finally she says "Well I'm here, changing my shirt in the car real fast" then she says "Love You see you later tonight"

Soon as she hung up the phone with me, I threw on my shoes and out the door I went.

I drove all the way accross town, get to Stephs house.............my g/fs car isn't there and there isn't a light on in the house.

Yeah, this shit is getting really, really old.

So tonight if/when she comes I am going to act totally normal. Then say "So did you and her just hang out and talk? Did her b/f come home? Was it akward?"

If she admits they were there the whole time I am calling her on it.

Waiting right now...

Yeah that does sound messed up. I would definately ask her if they hung out at her house.......and if they said they went somewhere....then you know that possibly could be true. But if they didn't.....and she says they were at her house the entire time.....then you know somethings up.

Yikes.....sorry to hear you are going thru is....