Girlfriends past abusive relationship is causing doubts

Hi folks.....

I have been dating my girlfriend for 12 months. She is beautiful, quirky, intelligent and very dedicate to me.

4.5 years ago, she left her husband (who I gather was a supportive husband and good father to their children) as she had embarked on an affair with a work colleague. It now transpires that the 2.5 year she spent in a relationship with the work colleague were abusive. While there was only one incident of domestic violence, he was verbally aggressive to her and would get angry and smash items in her house. Three of four time in the 2.5 years they were together, he left her. Each time, she tracked him down and resurrected the relationship... e.g. She has a number of opportunities to end the relationship, but it was her choice not to.
She knew that he had a criminal record for violence, had lied on job applications and was generally a bad egg, but obviously became very emotionally attached to him. It then transpires that after they split up, she embarked on another relationship with a drug addict who exhibited similar behaviour.

"Make a mistake once, and it's just a mistake. Make the same mistake twice and it's a choice. Make the same mistake multiple times and its a personality trait"

My problem is this... Having found more about her relationships, I am starting to doubt her value system. Frankly, I would not even entertain passing the time of day with guys like this, never mind having a relationship with them. I sadly feel, knowing that she can fall in love with these kind of people that it is changing my perception of her and affecting my feelings for her.

I cannot talk to her about this, as the more she tries to justify her choices, the more it seems to reinforce my fears.

I want to feel the same love for her that I did before she told me all this, but I am struggling.

Please help.

Have you ever made a mistake? I have. Lots and lots of them. Have I learned from them? I hope so.
Question is we all have a past and we've all made stupid mistakes but what counts is the here and now. What is she like now? How is your relationship? Leave the past alone, UNLESS it is having a negative effect on your relationship now.

Hmmmm.... Is there anybody else who subscribes to view that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour?
Just leaving the past alone is often impossible.
The pattern of repeated mistakes surely shows a character trait. They stop being mistakes, and become life choices.
It's her value system that I question. Why would she date guys like these in the first place?
I know one of the guys and wouldn't give him the time of day. His aggressive behaviour and criminal past are common knowledge.

Of course I've made mistakes. But I only make them once!!

It's great that you only make a mistake once. But some people make mistakes more than once before they 'get' just how bad their choices have been. Why would she date guys like these? Low self worth comes to mind.

In short, I agree with Boisdevie's advice.

If you love her, forget the past. What's important is the present... You're missing out on life because you're obsessing on your GF's past.

I never get the "low self esteem" and "abusive relationship" thing.
She was in a very stable and supportive marriage when she met the abusive guy.
She's a very attractive woman, and I bet there would have been a myriad of other decent guys who were showing her attention.
She could have picked any of them for an affair.

So, what do you really want us to tell you here OP?

Seems to me you made your choice, what the others have told you, you aren't really letting it sink in. Seems to me that you don't want to be with her anymore, so if that is the case & no amount of us telling you something different is going to change that, then leave her & find someone else that has a "squeaky clean past". BTW...good luck finding such a lady with the kind of past YOU desire!!

Well maybe she wanted to safe them. Girls have this thing about believing that their love can save person and bad boy become good. You know abusive stuff like you mentioned can cause addiction to adrenaline so maybe she wasnt so much in love as addicted despite all the bad things that happened. Also she might had low self esteem and she was attracted to guys with broblems cause she thought she deserves them. Who knows maybe she was thinking it will be easier to keep such guy etc. Anyway you said shes beautiful. Often the most beautiful chicks are the weirdest so that might explain her behavior. Perhaps she was bored people being all nice to her due to her looks and she wanted change from that.

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Originally Posted by razrazraz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I never get the "low self esteem" and "abusive relationship" thing.
She was in a very stable and supportive marriage when she met the abusive guy.
She's a very attractive woman, and I bet there would have been a myriad of other decent guys who were showing her attention.
She could have picked any of them for an affair.

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Well, she's with you now and you're better than the two partners she had before, or not? So, she has obviously learnt her lesson and makes better choices.

I think that you should stop judging her and overcome your insecurities. There is no guarantee ever in any relationship, you can only try to do your best if you want it to work.

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Originally Posted by razrazraz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I never get the "low self esteem" and "abusive relationship" thing.
She was in a very stable and supportive marriage when she met the abusive guy.
She's a very attractive woman, and I bet there would have been a myriad of other decent guys who were showing her attention.
She could have picked any of them for an affair.

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Why does it matter what her past is??? It's not like she has a criminal record or something... You are way over thinking this. If you really cannot accept her because of her past poor judgments, then let her go so she can find someone else who will value her. Obviously, that is not you.

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Originally Posted by chinagirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why does it matter what her past is??? It's not like she has a criminal record or something... You are way over thinking this. If you really cannot accept her because of her past poor judgments, then let her go so she can find someone else who will value her. Obviously, that is not you.

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Well, I'd think because if she'd stay with someone that treated her like a punching bag then there is obviously some deep seated issues that he's concerned haven't been worked on that she'll bring into every new relationship she forms.

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Op: Dating is for the purpose of finding out if you you've been interested in has the same values as you, and to see if you think that as a couple, you'll be able to last the test of time with. You're now discovering that you don't have enough in common to last... so why would you prolong things? It takes more then love for a relationship to last a lifetime.

But he's been dating this girl for 12 months and has not seen anything wrong with the relationship (as a matter of fact he described her as "beautiful, quirky, intelligent and very dedicated to me")... After a year of dating, he's begining to have doubts about her past. As far as I'm concerned, he's the one with issues here. If he can't accept her, he should just let her go.

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Originally Posted by chinagirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But he's been dating this girl for 12 months and has not seen anything wrong with the relationship (as a matter of fact he described her as "beautiful, quirky, intelligent and very dedicated to me")... After a year of dating, he's begining to have doubts about her past. As far as I'm concerned, he's the one with issues here. If he can't accept her, he should just let her go.

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This.

If there are no red flags and absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship, you're sort of looking for reasons to be unhappy by picking apart her past. So she was with an abusive guy? *ONE* abusive guy. It's not like she'd told you she's dated 15 abusive guys one after the other. (And even if she did, she's apparently broken the chain with you) Being in an abusive relationship simply isn't as easy as "just leave". It goes so much deeper than that and you not being understanding of a horrible situation she was in I think is more of the problem here.

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Originally Posted by chinagirl [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But he's been dating this girl for 12 months and has not seen anything wrong with the relationship (as a matter of fact he described her as "beautiful, quirky, intelligent and very dedicated to me")... After a year of dating, he's begining to have doubts about her past. As far as I'm concerned, he's the one with issues here. If he can't accept her, he should just let her go.

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Well, I see your point but it's taken him this long to find out that they're not compatible in values because he's just found that out. Had she told him from the beginning then perhaps he would have immediately distanced himself from her. Values don't just disappear because someone happens to not be crossing them at the moment.

There is no time limit on finding out things about people. It makes him look at her differently. Since they've been together a year, the honeymoon period is dwindling so of course the things that aren't so good about her (in his eyes) are going to become more noticeable to him.

I can understand why he's having some doubts and telling him he should just get over them, well if it were that easy, then he would have done that already without this confliction he's going through.

Its always after the honeymoon period that is the most crucial point to figuring out if you're with the right person because if you can't live with them when the rose coloured glasses come off, then that's huge. Its why I always tell people to NEVER move in with someone during the honeymoon period because things always look different after the new relationship energy is gone.

*Shrugs* He'll decide one way or the other as usual.

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BTW: OP: Has your girlfriend gotten help for whatever residual emotional problems she may be having after suffering through the last abusive relationship she found herself in and kept begging to be back in? If she has, then that's something to consider in her favour.

her problem

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Originally Posted by codylf95 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

her problem

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Ummm yeah. Lol

OP, you're concerned that her decision making process hasn't improved, due to some bad decisions she's made in the past. Have you examined all of the evidence? Are YOU an abusive, drug-addict douchebag? If you're not, is she experiencing ennui because of it?

If neither of the above is true, then it's possible that some improvements have been made.

^^^ Interesting: Would the saying for that be:

1. Water rises to its own level?

2. Birds of a feather flock together?

3. You can't manage what you don't measure?

I think op is going on:

4. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour?

Thanks folks for your insights.

There are two schools of thought here.

1. Forget it and get on with your relationship
2. There is a value mismatch that I have just discovered/accepted. Move on

No 1 is not easy, but because I love her so deeply, I think I have to try this course of action.

It has really helped to discuss this.
Verbalising ones concerns and receiving differing view points is a valuable exercise.

Good decision!

Her decisions and actions in the past might be questionable.... But if you don't find anything broken in your relationship with her at this time, there is no need to fix it.

Don't make life too complicated.

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Originally Posted by razrazraz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks folks for your insights.

There are two schools of thought here.

1. Forget it and get on with your relationship
2. There is a value mismatch that I have just discovered/accepted. Move on

No 1 is not easy, but because I love her so deeply, I think I have to try this course of action.

It has really helped to discuss this.
Verbalising ones concerns and receiving differing view points is a valuable exercise.

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People DO change.

Good luck,op. Hope you have many happy years together. :)

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

People DO change.

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Do they? That has not been my experience. People try to change, but revert to type eventually.
We are who we are.