Egoistic boyfriend who puts me down

Hey, I'd like the advice of you guys here.

My fiance is good to me in many ways, but whenever I disagree with him on anything he would put me down, calls me annoying and presumptuous, then proceed to give me the cold treatment, then when I attempt to communicate with him to initiate a truce he'd brush my feelings aside.

I don't want to let go this relationship, since I am very happy with it, other than his immature and egoistic arrogance during disagreements and arguments, but I feel stifled in the relationship because it feels like I am not allowed to disagree with him at all. Disrespect and controlling tendencies is a deal breaker for me.

Forget about saying anything of finding someone better, I think this is the best I can do. I figure it's best for me to get involved in relationships in the future if this one fails.

Bottom line is there is a problem with the relationship. You just admitted you're willing to accept his behavior since you enable him by not standing up for yourself

Tell him it's not acceptable and if he continues you need to move on. This is why it's called dating.....you're not married

All men turn into jerks. Familiarity turns into contempt. If he doesn't change into a jerk now, he will do that in a marriage. If he finds you annoying, then distance yourself. Can you tell us a little more about a reoccurring issue you two disagree on?

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Originally Posted by fearoflove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

All men turn into jerks. Familiarity turns into contempt. If he doesn't change into a jerk now, he will do that in a marriage. If he finds you annoying, then distance yourself. Can you tell us a little more about a reoccurring issue you two disagree on?

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I've seen nice men, I don't mean to generalise. Whether they're sincere or not is another matter. It's a general pattern, not a specific issue. It seems like I am not allowed to disagree with him without appearing like being hostile and presumptuous to him. So basically he does not respect what I have to say, and I don't even expect him to agree with me on everything.

Can you be more specific. Its hard to offer you advice if we are not sure what the issues are.

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Can you be more specific. Its hard to offer you advice if we are not sure what the issues are.

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What exactly are you not clear about?

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Originally Posted by fearoflove [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

All men turn into jerks. Familiarity turns into contempt. If he doesn't change into a jerk now, he will do that in a marriage. If he finds you annoying, then distance yourself. Can you tell us a little more about a reoccurring issue you two disagree on?

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Yeah, that phenomenon is not isolated to just men. A lot of people, male or female, take their significant other for granted, and especially after marriage. Bottom line is people are scumbags. I've used this quote many times before and will likely use it again. In the words of the great Dr. Cox "People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling." There are very few exceptions in this world... but you know what? That's okay. It makes the people who aren't bastards so much more worthwhile. Finding them is hard, though.

Anyway, back to the OP. Your fiance sounds childish to me. You need a man, not a man-child. It seems he is leaving you no choice, so you will have to be the adult and try to have an adult conversation with him about why it is not okay to treat you this way. I mean, unless the opinions he is belittling you for are things like "The Nazis were right" or "I hate all midgets" or something like that, then he has no right to be acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum just because your opinions differ.

If he can have an adult conversation with you, maybe you will actually be doing him and yourself a big favor. He may not stop to think about the way he is acting, and knowing that he does this may help him to improve as a person. If he is unwilling to admit he has done anything wrong, and unwilling to change it, then you really should move on and find a real man. But, ultimately that is your decision. Good luck either way. I hope you find what you are looking for in life, be that with this guy, or somebody else down the road.

You say he treats you great but he belittles you and puts you down.

Maybe my definition of being treated good or bad is different to yours so can you elaborate on that. How does he treat you great? How does he treat you bad?

I want to know details so I can determine how big the issues are and what needs to be done to solve them

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Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You say he treats you great but he belittles you and puts you down.

Maybe my definition of being treated good or bad is different to yours so can you elaborate on that. How does he treat you great? How does he treat you bad?

I want to know details so I can determine how big the issues are and what needs to be done to solve them

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Oh, I see. Thanks for your clarification.

He has been financially helping me with moving out of my controlling parents' home as well as emotionally supporting me through this. He's very romantic and sweet to me, and understands my quirks, while also is understanding to my lack of sexual experience (he's a virgin too). I've had 4 boyfriends and he's the one who walks the talk the most. He has made a lot of compromises and changes for me, but something that is virtually untouchable is his oversensitive ego.

However, when I so much as disagree about something with him, he takes it personally as a personal attack towards his intelligence and capability (when I didn't even mean to in the first place), then becomes passive-aggressive. When I show that his cold shoulder is hurting me (he says he just wants to escape the negative situation, but it seems like he's actually using it to punish me for having my own opinion), it makes the argument worst or he ignores me more. Also he seems to speak down to me, especially regarding something that he knows more about than I do, and I am often the one who apologises but he is reluctant to apologise to me. He doesn't seem to feel anything when he hurts my ego, sometimes intentionally.

Overall he has ego problems and seems to think of himself as above me. Whereas I understand that people act inconsiderately when upset, it should not be a recurring problem. I don't think he's being emotionally abusive or manipulative, just being insensitive of others' feelings, yet expecting me to be considerate of his feelings.

I read that people who uses silence as a punishment want to feel in control, and I am concerned if he is a control freak. Perhaps it was driven by his inner insecurity of himself. I have tried my best to be sensitive towards his feelings (which has indeed reduce friction by a lot), but he takes offense in perceived attacks which I never did mean that way, and he refuses to make this a two-way street as he doesn't seem to be respecting me as an equal who also have feelings. In other things he's not controlling, except for anything regarding his ego being hurt.

The problem is that he perceives himself as an emotionally sensitive person and refuse to acknowledge that it is his weakness, not his strength. I see him trying very hard to improve that aspect when times are good, though when he's angry it all goes down the drain.

Thanks a lot for offering me advice anyway!

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah, that phenomenon is not isolated to just men. A lot of people, male or female, take their significant other for granted, and especially after marriage. Bottom line is people are scumbags. I've used this quote many times before and will likely use it again. In the words of the great Dr. Cox "People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling." There are very few exceptions in this world... but you know what? That's okay. It makes the people who aren't bastards so much more worthwhile. Finding them is hard, though.

Anyway, back to the OP. Your fiance sounds childish to me. You need a man, not a man-child. It seems he is leaving you no choice, so you will have to be the adult and try to have an adult conversation with him about why it is not okay to treat you this way. I mean, unless the opinions he is belittling you for are things like "The Nazis were right" or "I hate all midgets" or something like that, then he has no right to be acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum just because your opinions differ.

If he can have an adult conversation with you, maybe you will actually be doing him and yourself a big favor. He may not stop to think about the way he is acting, and knowing that he does this may help him to improve as a person. If he is unwilling to admit he has done anything wrong, and unwilling to change it, then you really should move on and find a real man. But, ultimately that is your decision. Good luck either way. I hope you find what you are looking for in life, be that with this guy, or somebody else down the road.

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Well, he doesn't seem to care enough to reply to me at all. I've apologised to him again. I'll give him a week, if he's still doesn't reply and is still throwing a tantrum then I'd just cut off from him. It's ok, though, I've given up on love and I believe it's not worth the energy and risk. Hearing about how people are scum (at least most of them) just makes me more convinced that I should forget it.

Wow! It's a complainy pants, bitch fest in this thread.

Again....you are enabling him to be this way by not standing up for yourself. Have you even bothered to address this with him?

People are generally good and work well within social environments. This is how we evolved into who we are today. Talk to the guy once he calls back....if not then find a real man

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Originally Posted by HeartWeaver [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh, I see. Thanks for your clarification.

He has been financially helping me with moving out of my controlling parents' home as well as emotionally supporting me through this.

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So he's basically paying you to shut up! That's the reason why you shouldn't accept any monetary support from your BF because now he thinks you owe him and the last word should be his.

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Originally Posted by surfhb [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wow! It's a complainy pants, bitch fest in this thread.

Again....you are enabling him to be this way by not standing up for yourself. Have you even bothered to address this with him?

People are generally good and work well within social environments. This is how we evolved into who we are today. Talk to the guy once he calls back....if not then find a real man

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Ok... o.0 Didn't realise talking about my problems = bitching.

I did stand up for myself many times, he just doesn't respond or later he apologises, then he does it again.

I've tried to, but still he's not replied. I'd give him a week and then it's over.

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Originally Posted by dontaskme [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So he's basically paying you to shut up! That's the reason why you shouldn't accept any monetary support from your BF because now he thinks you owe him and the last word should be his.

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Well, I really needed it, or my life will be the mess it is now. I've just resigned to my fate.

Don't sell your soul to the devil. Get the fukc out of the relationship ASAP. It will only get worst. There is nothing more damaging to a person than losing one's words, confidence and identity.

Is this a new relationship? If yes, I see a huge red flag here. Your vulnerable and looking for financial support. He swoops in mr knight in shining armour but is already showing controlling tendencies.

One piece of advice: never start a relationship when you are vulnerable. If your having issues at home then do whatever it takes to improve your own financial situation before you move in with a man. Don't accept money from him and don't move in with him unless you can support yourself and get out if/when you need to.

Also the fact your a virgin. You need to protect yourself from men who see you as a challenge coz you will be used and hurt otherwise. You shouldn't even tell men you are dating this until you know hes serious about you and is committed. Also how old is he? And do you really believe he us a virgin?

Off your original first post, HeartWeaver he sounds selfish and domineering and likes to be the dom in the relationship and you take the more sub role where what he says goes and you do not challenge it. He is probably this way with others too even in his work, he is older than you? If he hasn't replied to you in over a week, he is playing games because after a day or two someone who cared about you would reply even if still angry at you.

he sounds like a narcissist, if so, his behavior will get worse. Also, he may think you need him so when you disagree, you are challenging him, which in turn makes him feel that you really don't need him. That's his ego and his problem. But he first would have to see it as a problem, and that will be the challenge. Your responsibility is to take care of you and be the best person you can for yourself. It sounds like his behavior is controlling. You just need to see the situation for what it is and then decide what you feel you can handle or want from the relationship and if it's worth you feeling devalued at times.

Your 'I'm resigning myself' attitude is the biggest problem I see here. I'm assuming you're young so why on earth would you think 'it's this or nothing?'. Sure, there are plenty of jerks out there - I've been there/done that. Trust me, I know what it's like to date a controlling/over-sensitive type. I had to censor myself every time I had an opinion. Once I knew the signs to look out for, I made sure I never dated that type of person again. Easy.

He's hyper-sensitive to criticism to the point that you're not allowed to be a person with your own voice - this isn't 1925.

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Originally Posted by TablesandChairs [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Your 'I'm resigning myself' attitude is the biggest problem I see here. I'm assuming you're young so why on earth would you think 'it's this or nothing?'. Sure, there are plenty of jerks out there - I've been there/done that. Trust me, I know what it's like to date a controlling/over-sensitive type. I had to censor myself every time I had an opinion. Once I knew the signs to look out for, I made sure I never dated that type of person again. Easy.

He's hyper-sensitive to criticism to the point that you're not allowed to be a person with your own voice - this isn't 1925.

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By resigning I don't mean settling for this guy who does not respect me, I mean just deciding to give up on love altogether because I am too tired to go on. Also I try not to generalise because there are good people out there, but I'm just either not attracted to them or never get to meet them. I'm not attracted to outright assholes or the genuinely nice guys (I find that I naturally repel them anyway), but it seems that I tend to get attracted to the wolf in sheep's clothing type. So the problem is with me, not the dating field.

I'm tired of being heartbroken time and again, I am only attracted to 10% of people (so I consider myself picky) and the chances of that does not correlate with reality because I am not that good-looking myself.

Aside from my previous relationships, I only attracts guys whom I am not attracted to: desperate ones and those who only want me for sex, though the latter is partly my fault since I was open to FWBs then. Moreover I am really socially awkward and that does not help with dating.

I don't trust my judgment regarding choice of a future partner, and besides those who are in my league aren't mentally healthy ones. I lowered my standards, and I get worst people. If I increase my standards, and I can't find anyone. I'm tired of waiting for someone, and I realise that I don't need someone in my life to continue my existence. Sure, I'll be lonely, but if I gradually get used to it instead of opening myself up to someone and getting hurt and going back to square one, at least my life would be bearable when I shut everyone else out of my heart. A relationship is a luxury, not a necessity.

I don't get all these traditional courtship stages, changing oneself to attract someone and emotional games people play to get love, in fact it sounds absurd to me. I just want to have someone whom there's a mutual love towards to marry and start a family with, it's that simple. I'm not interested in all those wishy-washy stuff. So with that understanding that the absurd dating world out there is simply not suited for me, I get real and quit the game early, instead of being exhausted meeting so many people who does not fit me, I might as well just save my energy.

If someone starts liking me and they're acceptable enough, I'd settle for them or I may take a mail order groom once I've saved up enough, but in the meantime I don't bother initiating interest to anyone and getting involved with courtship anymore.

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Originally Posted by HeartWeaver [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, he doesn't seem to care enough to reply to me at all. I've apologised to him again. I'll give him a week, if he's still doesn't reply and is still throwing a tantrum then I'd just cut off from him. It's ok, though, I've given up on love and I believe it's not worth the energy and risk. Hearing about how people are scum (at least most of them) just makes me more convinced that I should forget it.

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Don't give up on love. I absolutely know how you feel. It can be extremely difficult sometimes not to think there is no hope. I've wrestled with it many times myself. But, the truth of the matter is you are much better off being alone than you are being with somebody who doesn't treat you right. Somebody who brings you such grief.

I know how you feel. I've become somewhat of a jaded person through the life experiences I have had. Honestly, though, I wouldn't change a thing about it. It has given me a very thick skin. Admittedly I have been having a rough time lately, but typically it is darn near impossible for things to get to me, and when they do it is even more unlikely that they'll stick for long.

Though it can be hard to see sometimes, from time to time you maybe just need to take a break and focus on you. But, you will find love some day, whether this guy actually shapes up and becomes that Mr. Right, or whether Mr. Right is still out there wondering where the Hell you are.

I may not have a very high opinion of humans after the life I've lived, and sometimes it is SO hard not to give up.... but I cannot and will not ever give up. I will no longer let people hurt me or use me and get away with it, but I will never stop searching for great new friends, for good people, and for eventually that one special gal. I may not believe it will ever happen, but that won't stop me from trying.

Don't give up on love. Don't let the scumbags of the world ruin your life experience. You don't deserve that. To Hell with them all. You TAKE your piece of the metaphorical pie.

I agree with jester. Dont give up on love bit don't ever settle for second best. Be alone if your not happy and love will come

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Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Don't give up on love. I absolutely know how you feel. It can be extremely difficult sometimes not to think there is no hope. I've wrestled with it many times myself. But, the truth of the matter is you are much better off being alone than you are being with somebody who doesn't treat you right. Somebody who brings you such grief.

I know how you feel. I've become somewhat of a jaded person through the life experiences I have had. Honestly, though, I wouldn't change a thing about it. It has given me a very thick skin. Admittedly I have been having a rough time lately, but typically it is darn near impossible for things to get to me, and when they do it is even more unlikely that they'll stick for long.

Though it can be hard to see sometimes, from time to time you maybe just need to take a break and focus on you. But, you will find love some day, whether this guy actually shapes up and becomes that Mr. Right, or whether Mr. Right is still out there wondering where the Hell you are.

I may not have a very high opinion of humans after the life I've lived, and sometimes it is SO hard not to give up.... but I cannot and will not ever give up. I will no longer let people hurt me or use me and get away with it, but I will never stop searching for great new friends, for good people, and for eventually that one special gal. I may not believe it will ever happen, but that won't stop me from trying.

Don't give up on love. Don't let the scumbags of the world ruin your life experience. You don't deserve that. To Hell with them all. You TAKE your piece of the metaphorical pie.

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Firstly, thanks for your encouragement, though that's not quite the mindset that I am coming from.

I've mentioned it in my earlier post but I'll sum it up. I'm just not suited for the dating field, despite trying to make adjustments and adaptations for myself. Other than those whom I was in a relationship with, mutual attraction alone is hard enough to find (let alone overall relationship compatibility), and it doesn't help that I am picky. I used to think that I was not but now I know that I am only deluding myself with denial. Also I don't trust my judgment anymore, yet I cannot bring myself to be with someone whom I don't feel anything for (who may be a better match for me in the long term).

I'm not in a privileged position to be picky with my lackluster life and below standards physical appearance (I used to think myself as sufficiently attractive around a 6/10 but criticisms say otherwise). I am equally picky for other things in my life like my career and my refusal to settle for second or third best has ruined my life. I believe that's going to be the same for my love life and my attitude will ruin it sooner or later if I don't quit soon.

Relationships and heartbreak can get mentally tiring, and I can't fit into the traditional dating scene. So I decide to withdraw with those factors in mind because it's a futile venture that goes nowhere.

Sure, there is a bit of a balancing act between whether somebody is too picky and whether they are just picky enough. I mean, you definitely do not want to settle for somebody who is not worthy of you just because you don't think you can do any better. Yet, at the same time, you don't want to have your standards be so ridiculously high that you'll never find anybody.

Of course, you also don't want to go with somebody from whom you feel like you are "settling," particularly if there really is nothing wrong with them. Maybe they are just not quite your type or whatever. Nobody deserves to be with somebody who considers them a consolation prize.

It isn't like you can just force yourself to lower your standards, though. I wish I could offer advice here, but it isn't really a problem I have personally had.

I suppose the best you can do is to just keep trying, even if and when it seems like it isn't worth it. Trust me, I know how that feels. I've been there. But, sadly that is life sometimes. Nothing comes easy. Hell, a lot of good stuff in life comes only with a healthy dose of scratching and clawing your way to the top. You gotta fight for life, even when it doesn't seem worth the effort. Trust me, I know I am just sounding like an inspirational poster. I know how hard that can be to believe at rough times. But, it is better than the alternative of just giving up.