Help...still in love with someone else

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and I'm hoping to get some advice that I need.
I'm in my early 30's and I got married about a year ago after being in a relationship for 5years. A couple of months before the wedding I found out that my husband to be could be cheating on me. I found him on an adult dating website looking for fun and to find someone to have an affair with. I first asked him if he was cheating on me and he wouldn't admit it so I had to tell him that I saw him on the website. He looked shocked, then he apologised and told me that he didn't actually meet up with anyone. I didn't believe him but I had no evidence of him physically having an affair with someone else. He told me that he wasn't looking for anyone but he was tempted to put himself out there because we weren't having enough sex.
It totally broke my heart and I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. I thought of not marrying him and broke our engagement but everything was arranged and didn't break up with him.
Before we got married, I asked him to go and see a counselor as a couple, we had about 5 sessions but didn't cover "my trust issue".
After getting married until recent, we were doing ok and I've been trying to forget what's happened.
But I constantly find myself looking into his phone maybe about once a month to see if he is cheating on me. I sometimes see myself searching if my husband is on a dating/affair website hoping I won't find him.
I also find him lying to me about small things like buying something I told him not to but he actually did without telling me. I was calm and had a conversation with him letting him know how it made me feel and I was upset because he hides things and not tell me.
The other day, I found my ex on FB he was dating someone and I messaged him wishing him happiness and congratulated him when he told me he was happy and his gf was nice.
This guy "Jack" I'm going to call, I was sort of with him about 10 years ago and we kept in touch (saying Hi every 3 years or so), I was deeply in love with him then asked me how my marriage was. I said it was ok. I didn't tell him my issues with my husband and told him that was my problem now and not his. I shouldn't have but I started talking about our old days and he started saying that first love never dies etc, but he told me that he was happy for me when I went marrying my husband because he wanted me to be happy.
10 years ago I was with Jack for a short term and I was seeing him while I was still in a relationship (I know I was doing a terrible thing to my bf at the time). We were hiding from public, but had such connection and felt very much together emotionally. I thought he was my soulmate but I chose my bf at the time and broke up with him. (We never had sex) The reason why I left Jack for my bf at the time was because I was with my bf for 5 years and he had been very supportive and I was really good friends with his mum that losing the relationship would be devastating for me. I eventually told my bf at the time what happened with Jack.
Back to the current story, Jack (not married but has a gf) said that he would come steal me away again if he could and that he still has love for me, we should be married and he doesn't understand why we were not together. I also still love him very much, I know it's wrong to feel this way and even to be having a conversation like this with Jack when I'm married, I'm aware of that...but I just cannot help myself thinking why did I not choose him to be with him, he would be emotionally connected to me, it makes me cry when he says he still loves me. He tells me he loved me more than this world and he wanted me, I told him I'm married and I just have to dream about it and he could do the same.. He tells me that he would fly interstates to see me and asking me to spend a weekend with him and he thinks it would take 1 weekend for me to change my mind and he assures me that we would be together forever this time. I told him that I would not play the same scene from 10 years ago and if I wanted this to happen, I wouldn't be doing this while I was married and he needed to be single as well. I want to see him but I know it would be a wrong thing to spend a weekend with him but I want to know where I stand.
What should I do? Would it be bad to have just one coffee with him?
I just feel emotionally torn and hurt, to be honest I feel I would do anything to have Jack but I am married (no kids yet) and own a house with my husband and I don't know what to do. I can't trust my husband because of the cheating issue we had and I know that I married him afterwards, but I just keep finding little secrets and can't help myself...I do love my husband but I also love Jack so much.
I didn't tell Jack about the issue we have because I know he would be so mad and might come to our house yelling at my husband.
Any advice would be appreciated..thank you in advance

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Originally Posted by Hazelnutfrappe1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and I'm hoping to get some advice that I need.
I'm in my early 30's and I got married about a year ago after being in a relationship for 5years. A couple of months before the wedding I found out that my husband to be could be cheating on me. I found him on an adult dating website looking for fun and to find someone to have an affair with. I first asked him if he was cheating on me and he wouldn't admit it so I had to tell him that I saw him on the website. He looked shocked, then he apologised and told me that he didn't actually meet up with anyone. I didn't believe him but I had no evidence of him physically having an affair with someone else. He told me that he wasn't looking for anyone but he was tempted to put himself out there because we weren't having enough sex.
It totally broke my heart and I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. I thought of not marrying him and broke our engagement but everything was arranged and didn't break up with him.
Before we got married, I asked him to go and see a counselor as a couple, we had about 5 sessions but didn't cover "my trust issue".
After getting married until recent, we were doing ok and I've been trying to forget what's happened.
But I constantly find myself looking into his phone maybe about once a month to see if he is cheating on me. I sometimes see myself searching if my husband is on a dating/affair website hoping I won't find him.
I also find him lying to me about small things like buying something I told him not to but he actually did without telling me. I was calm and had a conversation with him letting him know how it made me feel and I was upset because he hides things and not tell me.
The other day, I found my ex on FB he was dating someone and I messaged him wishing him happiness and congratulated him when he told me he was happy and his gf was nice.
This guy "Jack" I'm going to call, I was sort of with him about 10 years ago and we kept in touch (saying Hi every 3 years or so), I was deeply in love with him then asked me how my marriage was. I said it was ok. I didn't tell him my issues with my husband and told him that was my problem now and not his. I shouldn't have but I started talking about our old days and he started saying that first love never dies etc, but he told me that he was happy for me when I went marrying my husband because he wanted me to be happy.
10 years ago I was with Jack for a short term and I was seeing him while I was still in a relationship (I know I was doing a terrible thing to my bf at the time). We were hiding from public, but had such connection and felt very much together emotionally. I thought he was my soulmate but I chose my bf at the time and broke up with him. (We never had sex) The reason why I left Jack for my bf at the time was because I was with my bf for 5 years and he had been very supportive and I was really good friends with his mum that losing the relationship would be devastating for me. I eventually told my bf at the time what happened with Jack.
Back to the current story, Jack (not married but has a gf) said that he would come steal me away again if he could and that he still has love for me, we should be married and he doesn't understand why we were not together. I also still love him very much, I know it's wrong to feel this way and even to be having a conversation like this with Jack when I'm married, I'm aware of that...but I just cannot help myself thinking why did I not choose him to be with him, he would be emotionally connected to me, it makes me cry when he says he still loves me. He tells me he loved me more than this world and he wanted me, I told him I'm married and I just have to dream about it and he could do the same.. He tells me that he would fly interstates to see me and asking me to spend a weekend with him and he thinks it would take 1 weekend for me to change my mind and he assures me that we would be together forever this time. I told him that I would not play the same scene from 10 years ago and if I wanted this to happen, I wouldn't be doing this while I was married and he needed to be single as well. I want to see him but I know it would be a wrong thing to spend a weekend with him but I want to know where I stand.
What should I do? Would it be bad to have just one coffee with him?
I just feel emotionally torn and hurt, to be honest I feel I would do anything to have Jack but I am married (no kids yet) and own a house with my husband and I don't know what to do. I can't trust my husband because of the cheating issue we had and I know that I married him afterwards, but I just keep finding little secrets and can't help myself...I do love my husband but I also love Jack so much.
I didn't tell Jack about the issue we have because I know he would be so mad and might come to our house yelling at my husband.
Any advice would be appreciated..thank you in advance

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He's playing you for the naïve fool that you are. It's quite easy to SAY all those things and he's telling you what you want to hear.

Get off the computer and put the focus back into your marriage and if after only having sexual/romantic/infatuation type discussions with your HUSBAND without the interference of some azzhole that is so without integrity that he'd have these kinds of discussions with you knowing you are married, if hfter going zero contact with the azzhole for a year and only concentrating on your husband in that manner you still don't love him enough to stay with him, then and only then leave him but don't leave him for a d-bag that interferes in your marriage the way this one has.

What kind of man invites you to spend a weekend with him knowing you are married.... A player kind, that's what kind. Don't be stupid.

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BTW: If you respond (if you're even real) then please use proper paragraphs so you story isn't one large wall of text which makes it very hard to read.

Thanks Wakeup, really appreciate it.

I apologise that I didn't use proper paragraphs and made it very hard to read.

Since I'm the one in this situation, I really needed someone who doesn't know us to give me some advice so I really appreciate your honest opinion.

Does that mean if Jack really wanted me then he would have contacted me before I even met my husband?

Yes, you are right, I should focus on my marriage and work on it but I just don't know how to fix my trust issues, any suggestions?
When people have a similar issues like mine, do they ever gain the trust they once lost?

Could I please also ask why you thought I wasn't real? Just curious because I am real and struggling with this situation. Not sure why you thought I wasn't.

Thank you

You married him knowing what he is capable of and now you cannot get it out of your head or trust him.

If you want your marriage to work, go and get counselling together, put all the issues on the table, deal with them and try to rebuild the trust or get a divorce and sell the house. Those are your options

Having your own affair is NOT an option. That is what weak, co-dependent losers do. If you fear being on your own then get over it. You cannot keep hopping from one dysfunctional relationship to another. Jack is currently cheating on HIS gf too with you so how the **** can you trust him? If he will do it with you, he will do it to you.

Stop all this BS. Either fix your marriage or leave. If you leave, work on your obvious low self esteem and self worth and set your standards higher when it comes to men. If you want the best then you gotta be the best which means being independent, no fear of being alone, high standards and expectations and know what your worth.

Right now the way you are behaving, you are just as bad as your husband and jack and you and your husband deserve each other.. you can either become better or wallow in your own misery for the rest of your life

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Originally Posted by Hazelnutfrappe1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks Wakeup, really appreciate it.

I apologise that I didn't use proper paragraphs and made it very hard to read.

Since I'm the one in this situation, I really needed someone who doesn't know us to give me some advice so I really appreciate your honest opinion.

Does that mean if Jack really wanted me then he would have contacted me before I even met my husband?

Yes, you are right, I should focus on my marriage and work on it but I just don't know how to fix my trust issues, any suggestions?
When people have a similar issues like mine, do they ever gain the trust they once lost?

Could I please also ask why you thought I wasn't real? Just curious because I am real and struggling with this situation. Not sure why you thought I wasn't.

Thank you

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It doesn't mean if Jack really loved you he would have contacted you before you got married... he's a douche bag who is playing you. Players can't be trusted EVER... even after they've married you more times then not they keep playing and the only difference is they sleep in the bed they share with their wife every night. Jack never loved you. Jack loves himself and the game.

If you want help with regain trust in your husband then go to your local library or book store or online and get books on how to overcome an infidelity, how to regain trust, how to get the love you want from the one you married and stop trying to fulfill some emotional void within you by getting the attention of other men who, while knowing you are married can tell you bullshit you want to hear because you're safe from having to commit to since you're already committed to someone else.

Google "How to Regain Trust In My Spouse After Being Cheated On" and educate yourself. There will be things that he should be doing to help you with that regaining so ask him to help you get back said trust which will lead the two of you back to a solid emotional connection that you can build a life on.

In the meantime, get rid of the asshole that plays you by telling a vulnerable girl what she thinks she needs to hear and who is interfering in your marriage. Zero contact with him because it's true, if he'd do it with you, he's not got the personal boundaries in place nor the integrity so he is quite capable of doing it to you... that goes for you too.

Thanks Michelle23 for shaking my head and straightening it up.

I agree, I need to be stronger and focus on myself and my marriage. I am well aware that I married my husband knowing what he is capable of and just because he cheated, it doesn't mean I should even think about having my own affair.

Thank you for your advice, really appreciate it.

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Thanks Wakeup,

Can I just ask why you think Jack is playing me? Are you saying he is doing this because I'm taken?

It's very hard for me to believe he is really playing me because he never seemed that way and this includes the time we spent together 10 years ago and the present. I would say more towards the past.. Is there any way of finding this out by asking him some sort of questions? I would really like to know for sure..

I will have a look on the internet to help me regain the trust I lost.

Thanks

Jack is just looking to cheat on his gf and he knows it will be easy with you because you are in an unhappy marriage which makes you vulnerable, you have history and he knows you wont expect full committment or for him to leave her-at least not straight away.

Personally I think you married the wrong man and if you don't trust him, you should leave but stay away from taken men just looking to use you and heal first before you meet someone new

I agree with michelle23! counselling can definitely help you guys!

Michelle23,

I understand what you are saying and I appreciate it but somehow Jack's actions don't match up with the "playing me" type so I would like to know what's going on in his head. If you know what I mean, and I would like to know for once.

The thing that makes me wonder is:
Why would he say that he wanted to know if he could change my mind (meaning for me to leave my husband for him) if we spent the night if he only wanted to cheat on his gf and have 1 night affair with me? Wouldn't he just ask for sex if he wanted to sleep with me and didn't have any feelings for me?

Are you saying that he is playing me although he has feelings for me still? I don't understand why he would tell me he still loves me... ?? And tells me that it took him 2 years to get over me and would have me if there was a chance? Just to get sex? Just seem very odd... All planed?

Maybe I did marry a wrong man, but since it is my marriage, I'm thinking we should probably go for some more counseling sessions and try.

Yes you should try. You shouldn't walk away unless you are sure.

I am not saying jack is intentionally playing you or trying to use you but the fact is you are both emotionally unavailable and just looking for an escape from reality so if you were to start anything with him now, it would be built on an unstable and dysfunctional foundation. You wouldn't have any chance of it working long term as it would be based on lies, deciet and mis-trust so you two will never trust each other

You have to be strong, stable and emotionally sound as well as fully available if you want to start a healthy romance

Why did you and Jack break up in the first place?

Thanks Michelle23,

I guess that would be the issue if Jack and I ever got together in our long future, in the beginning it might be ok if I truly believed I'm the only one he cared and loved.

I think I have an issue as well (trust issues, self esteem and so on)

Thanks for your advice

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Wakeup,

We split up because I didn't choose him, I was too scared to break up with my former bf because I moved here just myself, no family or friends at all. The only people I had around me were his family, friends and himself.

I regretted my decision so much, I realised that I really should have chosen Jack after making the decision.

It sounds like you are repeating history and keep making the same mistakes, never maturing, growing or learning.

You cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone until you do with yourself. Get some counselling, research co-dependency, work on your self esteem and stop depending on men to save you or make you happy.

You have had affairs before and your about to do the same thing again. Its so dysfunctional. If you want men to treat you better then you need to change. Right now people dont respect you coz you dont. You made that clear to your husband when you rewarded his bad behavior by marrying him. Hurt me, abuse me, treat me like I am nothing and ill still be here... what messages are you trying to send out?

Right now the message your sending out is that you are weak, desperate, insecure with a terrible fear of being alone so you cling on to this jack hoping again he will save you.. thats not his job. Its yours

ouch. yeah, that's a shitty situation alright. Married the guy knowing what he's capable of and now (of course) the trust is in never never land. huh. Then some ex starts playing his violin from a distance, toying with your affections. yipee right? yeah, flippin great, thanks pal no doubt.
Well, I get all the advice suggesting therapy of sorts, all that. But i'll offer something new just for you.

Break the mold.

Either you spend another decade always wondering, never fully trusting, stressing out, educating your inner spy OR you stand up for your self and your heart and Ditch the guy that can't keep his cosmic prick in his pants because you know, golly gee, every woman wants a man who cruises craiglist for casual encounters, catches him and then marries the guy anyway. (yes, i am being sarcastic)
and as far as the ex goes. Well. ONly you'll know the scoop there.

But may I say, I think he's got poor form playing your heart strings from a distance. That and he's got a gf so your just setting yourself up with another one of the same type. Cheaters.
i'll say it again. Break that flippin mold

Ditch both of them. Work on yourself and figure out why you go for these types of men in the first place.

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Originally Posted by Hazelnutfrappe1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wakeup,

We split up because I didn't choose him, I was too scared to break up with my former bf because I moved here just myself, no family or friends at all. The only people I had around me were his family, friends and himself.

I regretted my decision so much, I realised that I really should have chosen Jack after making the decision.

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So are you telling me that TWICE now Jack has interfered in one of your relationships? TWICE now he interlopes when you have committed to someone else? TWICE now you have been too afraid to actually leave a man to go to Jack?

WTF. I think zero contact from Jack is in order so that you can concentrate on who you DO choose to be with.. It sure ain't Jack for some sub-conscious reason.

Michelle23,

I agree with some of the things you say but I did manage not to say yes to see Jack, I kept saying no to him. I guess that's the only plus of all of my actions. Believe it not, I said no to him maybe 50 times when he kept asking me.

When Jack and I chatted in the past since we split, we never ever conversation like this before, we only chatted to see how we were and didn't talk about our past, history, our emotions and feelings. It's including when I was single. That's probably why I'm unsure why he is trying to see me and telling all those things to me now. I find it very confusing and I'm starting to feel anger.

I did say to him if we were ever going to be together, we both have to be single to start with and I'm not going to hurt his gf or my husband. I also said I never expected him to act this way now that I'm married and he needs to stop. He tells me he booked the flight, I said I didn't ask him to and I'm not going to see him.

My husband and I already had our counseling before we got married, it seemed that I was better and we were communicating better but because he keeps lying to me about other small things, I don't find myself trusting him fully although he promised he would make it up to me for the rest of his life.
Do you think he will lie again?

well good luck on the marriage then, all round. Maybe your hubby will make it up to you over a lifetime. Maybe you'll make it up to him too. IN any case, good luck to you and yours

Wakeup,

Yes that is correct. It's twice now and in the similar situation.
I've done the right thing and said goodbye to Jack I think.. I have no idea why he started acting this way again. Maybe he likes to steal someone he can't have..?

I am going to focus on myself now and figure things out.

I'll try harder on my marriage and have better commutation with my husband mentally and physically.
I think we are lacking of both and it might work out..

I know that I should be alone and think about myself, I'd do that if I was not married but since I married my husband after finding out his affair, I think I should get more counseling sessions and read some books, try to re-build the trust I lost before I decide to divorce him.
He is willing to do anything to make it up to me.

yeah, and maybe you like the attention. have fun with that. You probably haven't even told your husband

woody=trees

Your marriage started on very shaky ground. Its very hard to repair the damage and if hes still lying now then there isn't much hope. He obviously has not learned his lesson. Maybe you should leave-let him experience life without you for awhile. It will either make or break the marriage. It will either force him to change or it will lead him to cheat again.. that way you will know whether hes worth fighting for or not or whether he thinks you are

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Originally Posted by Hazelnutfrappe1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wakeup,

Yes that is correct. It's twice now and in the similar situation.
I've done the right thing and said goodbye to Jack I think.. I have no idea why he started acting this way again. Maybe he likes to steal someone he can't have..?

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You haven't done the "right thing." The right thing would have not to been talking to Jack at all while you're in other committed relationship(s)... You've been having an emotional affair with jack during TWO committed relationships now.

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I am going to focus on myself now and figure things out.

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What needs to be figured out? You need to stop talking to this idiot you keep allowing you to emotionally engage you with BULLSHIT words and attention and speak to the men in your life who you aren't getting enough attention from. As long as you keep entertaining Jack, any man will be competing for your emotional attention. That really sucks.

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I'll try harder on my marriage and have better commutation with my husband mentally and physically.
I think we are lacking of both and it might work out..

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It will have a much better chance if you stop making your husband compete for you emotionally. YOu need cold turkey withdrawl from jack and his BS. You need to block and delete him so you're not tempted by your addiction to getting words of attention from him.

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I know that I should be alone and think about myself, I'd do that if I was not married but since I married my husband after finding out his affair, I think I should get more counseling sessions and read some books, try to re-build the trust I lost before I decide to divorce him.

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That's up to you whether you stay with your husband or not but don't leave him for Jack. Jack is just fluff who keeps you hooked on his pre-marital emotional cheating. Hes not a good man. A good man wouldn't talk to you the way hes been doing knowing that you are in a relationship.... and him in one himself.

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He is willing to do anything to make it up to me.

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Then you should count yourself lucky that you have time to figure out yourself.

Good luck.

... and **** Jack and the horse he rides in on.

Hi, you have got some pretty good, sound advice from others so I can't really add a lot except to say, you don't trust your husband and that is causing a lot of problems (in your mind at least). I don't know if you can salvage this or even if you want to but you certainly can't trust Jack any more than you can your husband - after all he too is being deceitful to his girlfriend isn't he? Please don't make yourself believe its "because its you" and you are the 'one' for Jack. If this was the case he would finish with girlfriend before trying to persuade you he wants a life with you. I know its not what you want to hear hon but you have to open your eyes a bit. Forget Jack and decide if you want to stay married. If not, make the break and free yourself up to meet someone who you love beyond any doubts and who respects and loves you back.

Dear O.P Hazlenut,

Realizing I came off as gruff I would like to extend an apology. Can't be easy what your enduring right now. I was tough on you regarding your dilemma due to personal experience with my sister, who your story reminds me of. She married recently, very young too. Her new husband is a sweet naive young man who has no idea how scattered she can become in her heart. I know she loves him but I also know she has other men she thinks of. It makes me wonder why she married him if she's not sure about being faithful. Poor sap.
She's also changed allot since she got engaged and then married to him; talks to me less and less unless she needs something; treats me poorly too and I have to wonder if she's avoiding me due to what I know about her. I am worried for her happiness.
Reading your story reminded me allot about her; eerily so. And I am sorry I was so very gruff in my response. I was wrong and I'm a shmuck for it.

You have married a young man who screwed up in the past, you forgave him (as much as one could) and married him anyway. Your in it now and can't shake this feeling with the other guy. Your longing for him and wondering if you made the right choice.

I know I said start fresh with neither of them but that would be harsh too. Harsh on you, them, everything. I don't know what you can do except some real deep soul searching. If you truly love your new husband, you must work on it whole heartedly. None of this half way stuff. Your either in it all the way or your wasting your time and his and lady, life is too short even if we make it to be 100+ years old, it is still too short so don't waste your precious time.

It is natural to feel the blush of warm cheeks when others are drawn to us. But when we are married either in heart or on paper it is a commitment of divine intent. We must be careful as to what we project.

If you feel you have made a mistake, better to fix it now over waiting years to seeking out your true happiness.
I wish you well, I wish for you strength to do the right thing for all involved

kindly
woody=trees

Thanks katyk,

I understand what you are saying and that's true, if Jack really wanted to be with me, he would have broken up with his girlfriend first. I haven't spoken to him since and he is somehow annoyed at me which I don't understand why.

I think I'm struggling with the situation because I don't know who to trust.
Having said that I also did something I shouldn't have (talking to Jack) so I feel that I deserve to be treated this way.

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Thanks Woody for being honest and sharing your story with me.

I deserve to be said harsh things and it's okay, I didn't expect any apology from you, thank you for your kindness and I appreciate it.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister.
But how do you know that she thinks of other men? Did she tell you?
She is probably ashamed of it and I guess that's why she doesn't talk to you much..? Just like you gave me some advice, I think it would help her if she could get some advice from you.. I hope everything works out okay for her and she will come to you to talk about it.

I went to a counseling session the other day but I might need to change a counsellor. Not sure if that's normal or me being harsh but I felt like talking to a woman at a checkout counter..? The counsellor was listening to my story but all she said was "well then spend some more time with your husband" and I thought "that's it!?"
I was expecting her to tell me my emotional issues/low self esteem etc but none of that...maybe I'm expecting too much, not sure..

Maybe I'm emotionally weak at the moment, I'm having an issue with my mum at the moment. It is very hard when she lives in my home country and she keeps getting angry at me saying nasty things to me because she is lonely and I'm getting guilt tricked.

Maybe I should talk to my close friends, only a couple of friends know my husband cheated on me, no one else. Do people talk about these kinds of things to friends? Or is that too private that they keep them to themselves??

Yes I agree, since I am married to my husband I should have been more careful. Thanks Woody, we will try to work on our marriage and go from there. I probably just felt that I had no one to talk to/trust.

Thanks Woody, good luck with your sister and I hope she will be happy with her marriage and hope that she will come to you.

Dear sweet lady (hazlenut)

Thank you for your response. I was feeling bad about all that so appreciate letting me off the hook; very compassionate.

I think you should get another therapist. She sounds a little vague and not quite the right fit. Maybe next one, tell them about the self esteem thing. They may have degrees but are not mind readers and often read books by the cover and since, often those of us with low self esteem go out of our way to 'look' the part of a confident strong woman but inside we are not, well, tell them. When you find the right one you'll be in a safe place. Bring up your Mum too; tell them everything right away so they have no time to misjudge and can do their job....as they are suppose to do.
Appreciate the words on my sister. Yes, I hope she comes to me too. Yes, she has shared that info we spoke of. You know, sometimes I think it's not about actually doing anything with other men she needs; its the attention, the intent; almost like it's the boost she needs. I don't know why though. She is a gorgeous and strong young lady who doesn't have to go out of her way for attentions yet she does thrive off it. Makes me wonder if her self esteem is lower than I thought and then of course, I worry again and wonder why, where did that come from.?

Anyway, dear lady, everything will be alright. You find yourself a good therapist; work out the kinks because from where I'm sitting, your a very endearing and kind, sweet and strong individual and you deserve your happiness so go get it.

best wishes
woody

Hi Woody,

Thank you for the kind words, it must be so hard for you to know your sister's thoughts but her not talking to you, I wonder if you broke the silence and started talking to her saying that you are worried and you are here for her, she would open her doors and start talking to you more...? I hope that happens soon, I know I'm not in the right place to tell you my thoughts since I'm in the similar situation but I really hope she will come to you.

She has you in her family, you are a great person to chat to, she should come to you.. Well I really hope she will.

I understand that she is seeking attention, I think in my case I was looking for someone to share my thoughts/emotion with and I'm not sure if I mistakenly thought I still loved Jack from way back. (nostalgia?) I wonder if she is not happy with her husband or they are not spending quality time together. We (as in women) all need the time together but to be together emotionally if you know what I mean..

Yes, I will change my counsellor and find a right one and I will talk about my self esteem next time. I did tell the counsellor about my mum but all she said was "that must be hard". Anyway, I'll go find another counsellor.

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my original post, but I found another small somthing that my husband is hiding after I told him what I found, I feel he has a problem keeping things from me or he is just too private. I mean do all husbands and wives share everything? I told him not to buy something he wanted until we sort out other expenses, and I found out that he bought it anyway. (And he is hiding it from me) I wouldn't have gone mad but the fact that he doesn't tell me or apologise, that hurts. I'm not sure why he keeps doing this after I told him about it a couple of weeks ago. (We sat down and I told him I found out about something he bought without telling me so same thing but he bought another without telling me again) Not sure if he doesn't think I'm going to find out or he doesn't care that it hurts my feelings.

Anyway, I guess I should mention this to my counsellor, and probably should do a couple counseling to involve him in this matter.

Woody, thank you for being here to share your story with me and giving me great advice, I really appreciate your honesty and kindness.

Wow you have a lot to work on...

Husbands and wives should share everything! It's called marriage.

I hope you take the good advice from everyone who responded to your post.

And that YOU can take care of your self ... Cheers!

Hazelnut, your doing great. Here's hoping you find a therapist that works for you, that get's it and can offer some wisdom that works.
And may your man find a way to open his doors on comfort levels so to speak, so he does share stuff with you.
as far as your question do husbands and wives share everything? They ought to yet here I am today with a bag packed for the hospital. My sweetheart thinks its just some blood work but i'll be staying on to see a Dr in emergency due to 'lady town' issues that I have not told him about. I don't want him to worry until I know for sure. So there's me hiding stuff too.
But things like purchases, there is no need to hide unless it is a gift for you that is.

anyway lady, your doing great. Your proactive, your insightful and your kind. No problems there. Your foundation is sound.
May you and yours find a way back to one another.

warm regards
woody

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Originally Posted by woody [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hazelnut, your doing great. Here's hoping you find a therapist that works for you, that get's it and can offer some wisdom that works.
And may your man find a way to open his doors on comfort levels so to speak, so he does share stuff with you.
as far as your question do husbands and wives share everything? They ought to yet here I am today with a bag packed for the hospital. My sweetheart thinks its just some blood work but i'll be staying on to see a Dr in emergency due to 'lady town' issues that I have not told him about. I don't want him to worry until I know for sure. So there's me hiding stuff too.
But things like purchases, there is no need to hide unless it is a gift for you that is.

anyway lady, your doing great. Your proactive, your insightful and your kind. No problems there. Your foundation is sound.
May you and yours find a way back to one another.

warm regards
woody

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Hi WOODY!
Thinking of you during your time at the hospital! I know I don't know you but what you posted I really hope that things are ok with you!

Huggs Leialoha <3

Thank you Lieloha, I am fine, it went well, didn't have to stay overnight and they assured me what I thought was happening was probably not. Good Doc's.
told me sweetheart about it when I got back as I had to explain the bag. i am such a weirdo but hey, better to be prepared than not. anyhow, all good.
thnx, you be well, take care

Hi Woody,

Sorry for the late reply, I've been in the hospital myself.
I hope you are okay. Hope everything will work out well for you. Very true, better to be prepared..

Hope your alright HazelNut,

Better to address things than procrastinate health concerns so yes, I hope your well too; and that your situation has improved (with the men in your life)

My sister still hasn't reached out to me. I've called a couple of times but honestly, I'm still hurting over how she treated me and my partner when she's around one of her friends. There is a age gap; I understand younger people are different in how they deal with others but when it comes to common courtesies, I suppose my expectations are high.

She knows when shyte hits her fan, i'll be here. But I will not put myself in her path of ruthless behaviors again.
She has done a few really hurtful things.
Anyway, hope your better now. I'm fine too.
you take care lady