My Breakup Meeting with my BF - Wow!

I had the breakup meeting with my bf last night at my apartment. He is one tormented, confused man -- in bad shape mentally and emotionally. He looked into my eyes 4 times and told me he loves me. He said, "I look into your beautiful eyes and see your radiant smile right now and you make me as weak as water. I'm so lucky to have you in my life."

He started hugging me, kissing me and clinging to me for dear life. Then he said with tears in his eyes, "Now I have to tell Jo I don't want to marry her because I want to be with you." I urged Neil not to rush into a final decision about choosing me or Jo. This this decision is too momentous and life changing for himself, her, me, his daughter and her kids to make after a few days of consideration. He needs to SLOW DOWN and have some alone time to think his options through as carefully as possible. Jo and her kids are Australian citizens who live there and bringing them here would be a visa nightmare and take a long time. He hasn't seen her in a year and she changed her mind about his marriage proposal because she misses him.

I kept reminding him over and over again that I am here in NJ, have no baggage/hangups/skeletons in my closet and that I want him and only him. That made him start crying. He knows we are great together and that I'm a catch and how happy I make him. I told him that I want to devote myself to our mutual happiness. It got very intense and we made out for an hour. We said how much we missed eachother.

then he suggested we go out to dinner and we had a great time holding hands and talking about non-relationship stuff. I really think my bf needs to see a psychotherapist to give him an objective perspective on the choices he faces. His mind is a tornado of emotions: love, guilt, conflict, confronting his past, and he can't make a responsible, sound decision on his own. He too much of a mess. But I didn't suggest he see a doctor -- it was too touchy a topic to bring up, I thought.

So after 5 hours together last night he went home and promised to slow down and things things through more carefully and that he would contact me.

I'll probably still lose him, but at least we had a frank talk, I opened my heart to him and I know more about his history with this woman.

Any advice, comments?

Thanks!

Whoa, I hope you were wearing your sunglasses, because the warning signs are so intense they mighthave damaged your vision...

I know you think you "won", but this is a prize I would send back.

lol shh!, great way of saying it.

No, shh! I don't think I've won. He could easily decide to marry this woman. He's flip flopping all over the place and I see that clearly. He's very messed up and needs professional help. But I still care for him deeply and it felt so good to be with him last night. But I have no illusions about the outcome.

Yeah I kinda have to side with shh! here... not just cause I'm her servant-boy either.

But if he proposed to her a year ago.. and now she comes back saying she wants to go back to him (presumably because whatever thing she had goin for her with someone else ended up not working out, so now she's going to "Plan B") and he is considering going back... I dunno.

I understand it would give some unwanted stress... but I just can't see how he would even have to debate it, considering everything he has going for himself here and with you...

Did you two have sex last night? I think the guy is a Player.

No we didn't have sex last night. we cuddled and made out. that's all. ther was no way i was going to have sex with him.

LoL when Lloyd said that I just imagine this guy sittin in the car before going to knock on your door, head tilted back - applying eye drops.

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Originally Posted by margot732

No, shh! I don't think I've won. He could easily decide to marry this woman. He's flip flopping all over the place and I see that clearly. He's very messed up and needs professional help. But I still care for him deeply and it felt so good to be with him last night. But I have no illusions about the outcome.

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Margot, to be honest, if he was thinking of marrying another girl as recently as a day or two ago and you actually still want him, you BOTH need professional help.

Sh!!!, I'm already in therapy, thank you very much. Cut me a little slack. I'm in turmoil too, with hurt feelings that I have to sort out and it's not easy.

Is there anyone here willing to offer just a little support?

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Originally Posted by margot732

Is there anyone here willing to offer just a little support?

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You want support, go buy a bra; you want the truth, come to LF.c

Your friends will tell you what you want to hear, we speak only the truth.

I know this must be tough to be going through. I can't relate since I have never been in this situation and hope to never be in one like this. At least you are already going to a therapist. I agree that he should probably do the same, but it is a hard subject to bring up with some people since they might take offense. There isn't much you can do in this situation. I would try to get involved in other things not involving him. I don't even know why he's having to consider this, like Tone said.

Margot, I know you're hurting...but you've only known this man for two months right? This is a pretty big road block in such a young relationship. After only two months...I don't care how well you think you know each other...you can't possibly. He clearly doesn't even know himself.

Let him go. If you remain invloved with him..he will be flip-flopping back and forth until one of you women think enough of yourself to say that you deserve better than a man who's not sure which one of you he wants to be with.

Two months...look back on your whole life and realize what a short time period two months is...and maybe...next relationship...don't jump in so fast...take time to really get to know each other before you become sexually involved...it sounds sexist...but women "fall in love" so much faster when sex is involved...and you really don't know the person yet....and please don't think I'm judging you...that's not my intent

...but my advice...let this man go...you're only looking down a long road of heartbreak if you don't.

I love Vanilla, she's like a female version of Hayward.

Now I know at first you might think that's a bad thing, but it's not ;p

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Originally Posted by Tone

I love Vanilla, she's like a female version of Hayward.

Now I know at first you might think that's a bad thing, but it's not ;p

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Hayward is my friend...so I'll take that as a compliment :)

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Originally Posted by Tone

LoL when Lloyd said that I just imagine this guy sittin in the car before going to knock on your door, head tilted back - applying eye drops.

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Why eye drops? Just cut an onion and put that to your face...it will look like you have been crying for hours. ;)

You want some support? Well, I'll tell you this: when you love someone; you want to spend your time with that person and that person is center to you.

If he loves you then you would be the only person on his radar...but your not......JUST the fact that he is so indecisive speaks volumes about his "love" for you.....or really a tremendous lack thereof.

Take a look at your self from the outside. You see a girl who loves a man who may want to marry his ex on a whim. What would you think about that girl? Would you think that she is interested in a man deserving of her love?

You should be asking yourself these questions.....its a good way to find where your feelings of self worth originate. If after your searching you find that this guy is worth it......then its still your problem.

I hope you have a good therapist. I mean that sincerly.

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Originally Posted by carpflounder

Why eye drops? Just cut an onion and put that to your face...it will look like you have been crying for hours. ;)

You want some support? Well, I'll tell you this: when you love someone; you want to spend your time with that person and that person is center to you.

If he loves you then you would be the only person on his radar...but your not......JUST the fact that he is so indecisive speaks volumes about his "love" for you.....or really a tremendous lack thereof.

Take a look at your self from the outside. You see a girl who loves a man who may want to marry his ex on a whim. What would you think about that girl? Would you think that she is interested in a man deserving of her love?

You should be asking yourself these questions.....its a good way to find where your feelings of self worth originate. If after your searching you find that this guy is worth it......then its still your problem.

I hope you have a good therapist. I mean that sincerly.

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NOW I HATE MYSELF :(

margot, don't listen to what any random jerkoff tells you.

People get infatuated, and usually during this time, all logic goes out the window. You're normal!

I don't think Carp was trying to be a jerkoff and I know I wasn't.

I think Carp was trying to get you to see that you can't base your opinion of yourself on what someone else thinks.

In other words...you have to think you're worth someone loving you...and you saying "now I hate myself"...shows that you do base too much of your self worth on what others think.

Margot...I meant no disrespect in my post to you. I wish you felt stronger and better about yourself. You deserve someone who will not do to you what this has has...and will...IF you allow it....again...two months is such a short time...and yes...it will hurt that it's over...ya'll were still in the honeymoon stage...but it will hurt less in the long run if you walk away now.

You don't have to listen...but I only responded because I felt for you.

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Originally Posted by Tone

margot, don't listen to what any random jerkoff tells you.

People get infatuated, and usually during this time, all logic goes out the window. You're normal!

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Thanks Tone. What makes this so hugely important to me is that my bf is my first love. That's hard to believe for a 38 year old woman, but it's the truth. I'm very wary and suspicious of my bf's unstable behavior and his ex's motives for bursting back into his life after not seeing/talking to him for a year. Does she truly love him or does she see him as a meal ticket for a sweet life in America? His earns a six figure salary. Or maybe she was recently dumped by a boyfriend and my bf is a rebound? I realize all too well that this soap opera spells TROUBLE for me. But if by some slim chance he comes back to me and vows that the ex is finished forever, it's my decision whether to boot him out of my life or give him another chance. It's my choice to forgive him or not. I will reflect on this extremely carefully, if it happens, and make the best decision for my happiness and peace of mind.
I'm not the low self-esteem weakling many of you think I am.

Ohh... I... see...

Well - this is a decision he has to make... and I already expressed my thoughts on that.

wow...okay...this 43 year old woman knows when to shut up...

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Originally Posted by Vanilla Gilr

I don't think Carp was trying to be a jerkoff and I know I wasn't.

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Margot, I gave you some advice...hoping that you would empower yourself... so did Vanilla Gilr...I guess that makes us "random jerkoffs" in Tone's book. :stuckup:

Since you seem to be building a rapport with Tone..... I guess its ok to get your advice from a familiar jerkoff.

Although, me to introduce myself:.....my name is carplfounder..you can now add me to your list of approved jerkoffs.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to put on my white mittens and retreat to the closet to take care of some private stuff. hee hee :D

Bleh - I didn't mean to say either of you guys were jerkoffs. I read both your advice and thought you were both sincere, in your own ways.

I guess I meant to say "you can't listen to what any random jerkoff might say about you" since she made the comment of hating herself cause of what someone said.

Didn't mean to offend anyone.

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Originally Posted by margot732

Thanks Tone. What makes this so hugely important to me is that my bf is my first love. That's hard to believe for a 38 year old woman, but it's the truth. I'm very wary and suspicious of my bf's unstable behavior and his ex's motives for bursting back into his life after not seeing/talking to him for a year. Does she truly love him or does she see him as a meal ticket for a sweet life in America? His earns a six figure salary. Or maybe she was recently dumped by a boyfriend and my bf is a rebound? I realize all too well that this soap opera spells TROUBLE for me. But if by some slim chance he comes back to me and vows that the ex is finished forever, it's my decision whether to boot him out of my life or give him another chance. It's my choice to forgive him or not. I will reflect on this extremely carefully, if it happens, and make the best decision for my happiness and peace of mind.
I'm not the low self-esteem weakling many of you think I am.

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Who cares what her motives are? Carp is 100% correct. If he is so easily distracted from you - even for a day - this doesn't say much for his level of devotion to you, and if you are 38, you should know that. And yes, I think your self esteem could use some improvement, which might begin with not allowing men to toy with you.

Sorry, but the truth can be painful. The good news is that you can use this experience as an opportunity for emotional growth (if you choose to).

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Originally Posted by Tone

Bleh - I didn't mean to say either of you guys were jerkoffs. I read both your advice and thought you were both sincere, in your own ways.

I guess I meant to say "you can't listen to what any random jerkoff might say about you" since she made the comment of hating herself cause of what someone said.

Didn't mean to offend anyone.

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No worries Tone..it would take alot more than that to offend me...it's just frustrating when someone asks for help...and because you don't say what they want to hear...well...you know what I mean...anyway...this is one brick wall I'm done smashing my head against....

Mr. Willow here seems to bend with whichever way the wind is blowing. I wonder if he broke down in the converse direction when he later met his "fiance" after having been with you. I wonder if you're eager for him to reverse his decision to marry her so you can to kick him to the curb in your turn if he should.

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Originally Posted by margot732

NOW I HATE MYSELF :(

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Geez, she posts this and you all went soft! Spineless jellyfish-all of you!

Read again, Lloyd. We didn't ALL go soft...

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Originally Posted by Lloyd95

Geez, she posts this and you all went soft! Spineless jellyfish-all of you!

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So exactly WHO 'went soft'? :surprised

Trying to explain what was said is not going soft...

Margot wants to hear only what Margot wants to hear...

So she doesn't hear or acknowledge a word I've said... :stuckup:

Therefore it's time to stop wasting my time trying to help someone who believes themselves to be above my help. I'm merely being practical.

Besides...how hard were you? :goofy:

Gotta give it up to VG. She's got style.

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Originally Posted by Vanilla Gilr

So exactly WHO 'went soft'? :surprised

Trying to explain what was said is not going soft...

Margot wants to hear only what Margot wants to hear...

So she doesn't hear or acknowledge a word I've said... :stuckup:

Therefore it's time to stop wasting my time trying to help someone who believes themselves to be above my help. I'm merely being practical.

Besides...how hard were you? :goofy:

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Excuse me, but I don't want to hear only what I want to hear. I've insisited from my friends and family that they tell me the truth about what I should do and not spare my feelings. I can handle the truth and learn from it. All my friends and family have told me that I have been mature and strong through this soap opera -- and they know my character much better than you guys.

I'm starting to believe that the word 'forgiveness' is a dirty word on this Board. If I love my bf and he vows that the past relationship is finished and that he only wants to devote himself to loving me, why should I not CONSIDER forgiving him and give him a second chance? Sure, there's a big risk that I could get hurt again. In that case, it's my fault and I learn a lot about how to approach my next relationship. God knows I've already learned a lot -- both good and bad -- about myself, relatioships, my bf and men in general, through this ordeal.

But the truth is that my chances of getting my bf back are slim. I have no illusions about that. And if he decides to marry her, I'm going to give him Hell and tell him never to contact me again. It'll be over. Period. Then I'll embrace new relationships with men who love me exclusively and have their act together.

Sounds all good to me. I have nothing against forgiving someone, it's just usually hard to forget.

Margot I think there's just a lot going on in all directions. I think you know how to handle the things that may come but I also think you should prepare yourslef for the worst so that you won't be entirely shocked if it does happen. I can somewhat see where this guys is coming from in regards to this other woman but he should really examine the fact that it's a good possibility she is just using him and going back to him because it's something familair to her. I'm not making excuses for him but he does have a lot on his plate and I think you did a good thing by telling him he needs time to himself to really think about this. If he decides to marry this other chick then he didn't deserve you in the first place and like you said you will live and learn from this experience. If he decides to stay with you then I think you guys will have a lot to do on rebuilding the foundation of your relationship. It's a good thing he told you about this when he did, but they say the first fight you have is going to be the the fight your going to ahve the rest of the time your together. So I think you should really evaluate how much your willing to forgive this person and go from there.

Yeah, and keep in mind we're only hearing one side of the story... there could be more that we don't know behind this ex/proposee situation.

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Originally Posted by Rosebud

Margot I think there's just a lot going on in all directions. I think you know how to handle the things that may come but I also think you should prepare yourslef for the worst so that you won't be entirely shocked if it does happen. I can somewhat see where this guys is coming from in regards to this other woman but he should really examine the fact that it's a good possibility she is just using him and going back to him because it's something familair to her. I'm not making excuses for him but he does have a lot on his plate and I think you did a good thing by telling him he needs time to himself to really think about this. If he decides to marry this other chick then he didn't deserve you in the first place and like you said you will live and learn from this experience. If he decides to stay with you then I think you guys will have a lot to do on rebuilding the foundation of your relationship. It's a good thing he told you about this when he did, but they say the first fight you have is going to be the the fight your going to ahve the rest of the time your together. So I think you should really evaluate how much your willing to forgive this person and go from there.

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Hi Rosebud,

Thanks for your nice and compassionate post. I am preparing myself for my bf to decide he wants to marry his ex after all. It will hurt tons and I'll be justifiably angry at him for putting me through this, but I won't be shocked. He will have lost a fabulous woman if he walks away from our relationship.

If he decides to stay with me, indeed we will have a lot to do to rebuild the foundation of our relationship: re-establishing trust and a new openness in how we communicate. I may very well determine that he is not to be trusted and I will end our relationship there and end it permanently. Will keep you posted.

I agree we have only known one side to this story, which is why I'm trying to keep an open mind while giving advice.

I think your doing the right thing margot by keeping in mind it will be his loss and this will only make you stronger and better prepared for your next relationship if that happens. I'm trying to remember a little about your last thread without going back but In thinking you shouldn't look at is as though he lied, because he did tell you all his feelings and was very open about them which you should acknowlege from him seeing as though eh was trying to be upfront with you so you would know. He could ahve kept this from you and just left without a word. So you have to take that into consideration as well and if you do take him back you should hold this over his head. You will remember it btu don't hold it against him as that will only cause more problems in the future. I think you pretty much know what you have to do and I hope this has helped some. Godd luck with all this ok!

Margot, out of all the posts I've written to you...saying you're worth someone who loves you...trying to warn you about being hurt...the ONLY line you respond to is when I say that you only hear what you want to hear...that's all you got out of anything I've said.

You can try to make it out that I've been uncaring or mean to you...you do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better.

This is my last post on your boards regardless of anything you might say against me. I had no motive but to try to help.