What is "love", really?

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30-03-17, 02:31 AM
CleanCut

What is "love", really?

You know, after thinking about it for a while; I don't think I really know what "love" is actually. I mean every time that I thought I "loved" a girl, the feelings I felt for them were never been returned, so I guess it wasn't "real" then? I guess that means I have never experienced "love" then, other than physical "love" that is.

So, you tell me, what do you think love actually is? Your opinion/explanation would be appreciated, since I guess I don't really know what love is because apparently caring for someone with mutual respect as well as being sexual with them is not "love", since I have given that as well as giving exactly to women what they said they wanted from a relationship and it is just never enough for them, so I guess what I think "love" is must be incorrect.

So, I ask you guys; what the hell is love then?
30-03-17, 03:47 AM
melancholia

Love can be many different things to many different people. Everyone expresses love, and receives love, in different ways. There's platonic love, familial love, and romantic love. There's infatuation and obsession as well, that many people misinterpret as love, but is really a facade. For me, love is not about reciprocity, it's about giving as much as you can to someone without the expectation of receiving anything in return. Assuming you are asking about romantic love, I think a lot of the time we forget to love a person for exactly who they are, and instead, we try to look for what they have to offer us, when we should be looking at what we can offer them. We try to mold people into a version of someone we wish they were, and generally, it's a version of ourselves we wish to see in them, or a version of what we think love should be because of a skewed perception we've created based off fantasy (i.e. television/movies/books/media etc.). I think when you truly love someone, you are happiest when they are happy and healthy and they are free to be exactly who they want to be, and you consistently offer them support, love, encouragement, and positive energy to allow themselves to be who they want to be. Having said that, it is still important to be with someone who can give you love, too. I think it's important to find someone whose idea of what love is, aligns with yours. If you find someone who speaks a different love language than you do, it can be difficult to communicate your needs, and if you fall into a pattern of dating the same kinds of people, who show love in a different way, it can lead to disappointment if what they have to offer is different from what you need or want.

I am someone who has spent a lot of time pondering the exact same question you're asking, and so my answer comes from personal experience and reflection on years of relationships and varying degrees of love. I was in a relationship for 5 years with someone I loved deeply as well, but our relationship was extremely unhealthy and it came to the point where I could no longer offer him support and love without damaging myself at the same time. It was hard to walk away from, but it was the best decision I could have made. I chose to be single after that and dated casually for just over 3 years before I met my current boyfriend and I could not be happier.

Try to figure out what love means to you, and do not settle for anything less than what you want; but keep in mind that love feels best when you are able to offer as much as you can to someone, and also receive the same love back.

I hope that helps.
30-03-17, 03:58 AM
CleanCut

Quote:

Originally Posted by melancholia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Love can be many different things to many different people. Everyone expresses love, and received love, in different ways. There's platonic love, familial love, and romantic love. There's infatuation and obsession as well, that many people misinterpret as love, but is really a facade. For me, love is not about reciprocity, it's about giving as much as you can to someone without the expectation of receiving anything in return. Assuming you are asking about romantic love, I think a lot of the time we forget to love a person for exactly who they are, and instead, we try to look for what they have to offer us, when we should be looking at what we can offer them. We try to mold people into a version of someone we wish they were, and generally, it's a version of ourselves we wish to see in them, or a version of what we think love should be because of a skewed perception we've created based off fantasy (i.e. television/movies/books/media etc.). I think when you truly love someone, you are happiest when they are happy and healthy and they are free to be exactly who they want to be, and you consistently offer them support, love, encouragement, and positive energy to allow themselves to be who they want to be. Having said that, it is still important to be with someone who can give you love, too. I think it's important to find someone whose idea of what love is, aligns with yours. If you find someone who speaks a different love language than you do, it can be difficult to communicate your needs, and if you fall into a pattern of dating the same kinds of people, who show love in a different way, it can lead to disappointment if what they have to offer is different from what you need or want.

I am someone who has spent a lot of time pondering the exact same question you're asking, and so my answer comes from personal experience and reflection on years of relationships and varying degrees of love. I was in a relationship for 5 years with someone I loved deeply as well, but our relationship was extremely unhealthy and it came to the point where I could no longer offer him support and love without damaging myself at the same time. It was hard to walk away from, but it was the best decision I could have made. I chose to be single after that and dated casually for just over 3 years before I met my current boyfriend and I could not be happier.

Try to figure out what love means to you, and do not settle for anything less than what you want; but keep in mind that love feels best when you are able to offer as much as you can to someone, and also receive the same love back.

I hope that helps.

Thanks, I just wish I could find someone to be in a long term with so I could figure the love thing out after some time was put into the relationship. I always put full effort and care into the relationships I try to start, but they just act like they care for me for a couple months then bail on me for no apparent reason; so I can't seem to get a long term relationship going. Guess all I can do is keep trying after I get through my treatments and see if my hair grows back so I can start dating again.

Thanks
30-03-17, 05:22 AM
melancholia

I think it's wise to keep in mind that you can't force a relationship. If you've repeatedly entered relationships with people and they consistently end up the same way, then you may be looking for the wrong types of people. Or you're meeting them at the wrong time, possibly. If you focus more on meeting different people and keeping your expectations low, except for the idea of being open to meeting interesting people, I think you may have a better chance at finding a long-term relationship. You have to take the time to really think about what you want, and then make decisions based on those goals you've set for yourself. If you are too strict on the type of person you think you should end up with, or too narrow-minded in your search, then you will only be met with disappointment. I didn't expect to fall in love when I met my current boyfriend; I took things one day at a time and it naturally progressed into what we have now, and I am thankful and happy for the way things have gone for us. But my situation isn't necessarily going to be the same for everyone, and you need to figure out what you want from life. Try to be patient and keep your mind open to the possibility of meeting different people.

I wish you the best of luck in your search for love!
30-03-17, 07:55 PM
pcmaster

Love is when her pussy is wet without you even touching it.
30-03-17, 10:18 PM
CleanCut

Quote:

Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Love is when her pussy is wet without you even touching it.

Ha, Ha, Ha, maybe so :lol:
30-03-17, 10:41 PM
BrianBlaze420

When you put someone above you, that is love. Ironically we need to put ourselves first... first, and then we can actually show people proper love. Love is not Lust lol but you can mix the two <3
31-03-17, 12:19 AM
melancholia

Love is the opposite of pretty much anything [MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION] says.
31-03-17, 12:56 AM
TheEvilJester

Well, CleanCut, I can honestly say that I understand to a large degree how you feel. I, myself, have spent the majority of my life so badly wanting to find love, and so hopelessly feeling like it will never happen for me, and so powerless to do anything to change that fate even if I try my absolute best. Please understand that I preface this to say I would NEVER, not in a MILLION years recommend this outcome to ANYBODY....

But, I've honestly essentially given up. Though, strictly speaking, I'm not fond of the phrase "giving up." In my case, I just more so equate it to not being stupid. Like, for example, if I tried to climb a wall.... but every time I try I get stabbed by something sharp and pointy and fall.... no matter what I try to avoid that fate.... at some point it isn't brave/determined/etc. to keep trying, it is stupid. At some point, the smart thing to do is to realize when something isn't going to work and to accept that and find another way. I have fought my true nature my whole life because I wanted love. But, recently I've finally accepted that I cannot fight that I am just not meant for this world. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. If I live to be a million years old, that will still never change. Love is not meant for me. I don't know if I will be able to maintain this new state of mind for long..... but I've at least been able to find some sense of real happiness for the first time ever in my life by accepting that rather than continuing to fight it.

So, I honestly don't know anymore what love means to me. Despite all I have been through.... I DO still believe it exists. Just not for me. I'm not okay with that.... but I've come to accept it and move on.

I share this partially in the hopes of showing an example of what NOT to do. Of what NOT to let happen to you. Love is worth trying to find if it is something you truly want. The sad truth is that sometimes the frustrations you've shared with us are just how this sort of story goes. Finding love CAN be a long, exhausting, and frustrating process. That is just life sometimes. But, if and when you do find somebody who really is special.... it will all make sense.

Believe me, I of all people know it is so much easier said than done..... but if you want love, don't give up. ....Just don't let it be something that controls you so much that its pursuit brings you only pain. You deserve happiness, especially given everything you've been through. Find a way to find that happiness within yourself..... and then look for love not as somebody who NEEDS it, but as somebody who wants it anyway. Good luck, my friend.
31-03-17, 05:41 AM
CleanCut

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, CleanCut, I can honestly say that I understand to a large degree how you feel. I, myself, have spent the majority of my life so badly wanting to find love, and so hopelessly feeling like it will never happen for me, and so powerless to do anything to change that fate even if I try my absolute best. Please understand that I preface this to say I would NEVER, not in a MILLION years recommend this outcome to ANYBODY....

But, I've honestly essentially given up. Though, strictly speaking, I'm not fond of the phrase "giving up." In my case, I just more so equate it to not being stupid. Like, for example, if I tried to climb a wall.... but every time I try I get stabbed by something sharp and pointy and fall.... no matter what I try to avoid that fate.... at some point it isn't brave/determined/etc. to keep trying, it is stupid. At some point, the smart thing to do is to realize when something isn't going to work and to accept that and find another way. I have fought my true nature my whole life because I wanted love. But, recently I've finally accepted that I cannot fight that I am just not meant for this world. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. If I live to be a million years old, that will still never change. Love is not meant for me. I don't know if I will be able to maintain this new state of mind for long..... but I've at least been able to find some sense of real happiness for the first time ever in my life by accepting that rather than continuing to fight it.

So, I honestly don't know anymore what love means to me. Despite all I have been through.... I DO still believe it exists. Just not for me. I'm not okay with that.... but I've come to accept it and move on.

I share this partially in the hopes of showing an example of what NOT to do. Of what NOT to let happen to you. Love is worth trying to find if it is something you truly want. The sad truth is that sometimes the frustrations you've shared with us are just how this sort of story goes. Finding love CAN be a long, exhausting, and frustrating process. That is just life sometimes. But, if and when you do find somebody who really is special.... it will all make sense.

Believe me, I of all people know it is so much easier said than done..... but if you want love, don't give up. ....Just don't let it be something that controls you so much that its pursuit brings you only pain. You deserve happiness, especially given everything you've been through. Find a way to find that happiness within yourself..... and then look for love not as somebody who NEEDS it, but as somebody who wants it anyway. Good luck, my friend.

Damn man, sounds like you have burned even more times than me and I've been burned a lot! Well, even though I'm 32; I only have around a decade or so of life left to live due to my recently acquired brain cancer and I do plan to keep dating after I find out if my hair is going to come back or not after the radiation treatments.

I have dated literally hundreds of women over the last few years and am really starting to think that "love" or long term relationships aren't a possibility for me either. However, once I find a way to regain my confidence after these crazy treatments are over; even though I will be at an even larger disadvantage than before the diagnosis obliviously, I'm going to keep trying as I would really rather not have to die alone, although there is a good chance of that happening now unfortunately since time is against me in a bigger way than ever before in my life.

Maybe at some point we will both have some kind of positive luck and find a partner in life. I certainly would like some good luck for a change since this year has been nothing but hellishly poor luck for me so far.

If you at least have good health, be very thankful for that and spend as much time doing things you enjoy as you can because you never know when nature will throw a true shit bomb at you like the one that has hit me this year.
31-03-17, 06:37 AM
pcmaster

Wanted to be more accurate. - Love is when you are kissing girl and she is wet without you even touching her V.

Also remember what other guy wrote years ago. - Love is when I dont want other dick in her V.
01-04-17, 12:18 AM
TheEvilJester

Quote:

Originally Posted by CleanCut [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Damn man, sounds like you have burned even more times than me and I've been burned a lot! Well, even though I'm 32; I only have around a decade or so of life left to live due to my recently acquired brain cancer and I do plan to keep dating after I find out if my hair is going to come back or not after the radiation treatments.

I have dated literally hundreds of women over the last few years and am really starting to think that "love" or long term relationships aren't a possibility for me either. However, once I find a way to regain my confidence after these crazy treatments are over; even though I will be at an even larger disadvantage than before the diagnosis obliviously, I'm going to keep trying as I would really rather not have to die alone, although there is a good chance of that happening now unfortunately since time is against me in a bigger way than ever before in my life.

Maybe at some point we will both have some kind of positive luck and find a partner in life. I certainly would like some good luck for a change since this year has been nothing but hellishly poor luck for me so far.

If you at least have good health, be very thankful for that and spend as much time doing things you enjoy as you can because you never know when nature will throw a true shit bomb at you like the one that has hit me this year.

It's debatable, I suppose. Your problems, it seems, arise from having dated many women and it never goes well. My problem is from never even being able to make it that far. I don't honestly know which is worse. Is it worse to have many, many dates and/or relationships and always have them end only in pain... or is it worse wanting love but never having anybody even slightly interested in you in that way? I'd like to submit that they both F'ing suck.

I have had a serious relationship.... even made the mistake of marrying that particular piece of crap before I realized she was a piece of crap. So, it isn't like I'm completely inexperienced. And, Hell, you'd think that experience would have burnt me badly enough to cause me to stop wanting to look for love. No, THAT actually made me want it even more. I'd experienced something I once THOUGHT was the real thing.... and that made me all the more determined to finally find the real thing.

It was trying to "become human" again after all that and only being reminded that I'm not human that has brought me to my dark fate. That's what finally made me realize that I just do not belong. That if I want SOME kind of happiness I have to accept that rather than keep fighting it.

You don't have to have the same fate. I am very sorry to hear about your health issues. I already knew that about you, actually, from the other thread where you and PC have been conversing. I haven't had anything to add there, but have still been reading it. That really does suck. I cannot even begin to know what to say. Though, the very fact that you may have less years remaining only means you deserve for them to be happy all that much more. The truth of the matter is none of us ever know when our time will be up. So, all of us should do everything we can to live our lives to the fullest. To fight, to scrape, to crawl our way to whatever happiness we can find.

Life is short. Why spend it miserable if you can help it? So, I definitely understand and share your frustrations with the pursuit of this thing we call love. I hope you find it. They say misery loves company, but this is frankly a fate I do not wish to share with anybody (well... okay, maybe some evil people in this world would deserve it). I'd much rather you not suffer the same fate with me. Good luck to you. There IS somebody out there for you if you still wish to find her. It's not always easy, but it will be worth it if you find her.

More importantly, though, if you can the best kind of happiness you can find is happiness within yourself. Like I said, the ultimate goal in that regard would be to be happy enough with yourself that you don't need a relationship..... but that you still want one anyway. I wish that for you. Good luck.
01-04-17, 01:03 AM
CleanCut

Thanks man, at least you had one serious relationship; sorry that one didn't work out for you. Yea you're right, guess none of us really know how long we have in this world and we should all try to find what makes us happy and try to spend time doing that.

I can be somewhat happy alone, but in the few short relationships that I have had, I felt very happy. However, I have lived alone for over 10 years now and is really getting old. I will keep trying I guess, but it is going to be even tougher now with my condition of course. I hope we can both one day find ourselves in happy relationships, but if not I'm at least going to have fun trying.

Thanks again
01-04-17, 07:27 AM
pcmaster

You can always rely on luck.
I didnt believed in luck until got lucky with first girl. And Man its like gambling. Really worth it to risk again and again. Yes its easier to fall in love when your heart havent been broken. And actually your might be not broken since you never been in love for years with one girl. So yoy have a lot to give. Even if its just your love, thats a lot.
01-04-17, 08:45 AM
CleanCut

That's true, I haven't been completely heart broken yet since my relationships have been short, but it does still hurt when you get bailed on for no reason though, even in short term relationships. I'll keep trying to find a solid relationship after I fully recover from my treatments and try to regain my former dating confidence. Sure wish I could get some "life luck" thrown my way though as the only luck I seem to have lately is bad luck.
01-04-17, 02:39 PM
pcmaster

You have to arrange things into shelfs in your head to see things positive again. You became depressed there for a moment and didnt believed in your future after funding out about cancer. But now you see that its not the end.
I saw another guy on FB who had cancer diagnosis too late to hope for long happy life. He had left only months to live.
This is not your case. You have years. Probably healtiest years of your life since people ussualy live super healthy in your situation. Besides you can beat the cancer like many do. As I understand you have found out about it so early that you have real chance to get well.
01-04-17, 03:28 PM
CleanCut

Quote:

Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You have to arrange things into shelfs in your head to see things positive again. You became depressed there for a moment and didnt believed in your future after funding out about cancer. But now you see that its not the end.
I saw another guy on FB who had cancer diagnosis too late to hope for long happy life. He had left only months to live.
This is not your case. You have years. Probably healtiest years of your life since people ussualy live super healthy in your situation. Besides you can beat the cancer like many do. As I understand you have found out about it so early that you have real chance to get well.

Yea I'm working on that and being able to talk about it with folks on this site has been helping make me feel better a lot especially since I don't have anyone I talk to on a daily basis since I live alone and also work from home at the moment.

My tumor/cancer type is treatable, but isn't curable as of yet, but who knows; maybe I'll live long enough for technology advances to find a way of curing it. Yea, at least I do have some sizable amount of time left, unlike a lot of other even less fortunate folks with more severe cases. There is one mid 50s lady I see often at the cancer center that started off with breast cancer then it spread through her blood and into several organs including her brain recently that has about 6 months left if she is lucky, so I guess it could be a lot worse I suppose.

Thanks
01-04-17, 07:20 PM
pcmaster

It sure hurts to break up even in short term relationship. I been there too. But I been thinking about those who been living together for years and had this love that matured over these years. Been imagining it must be painful to break up after that. Okay when you are in short relationship you can count on hand or two hands how many times you had sex. But over the years theres countless times. That really must get deep in the heart. Especially if person is Scorpio cause that sign loves the hardest.

Anyway man. Maybe with this bad luck you paid for your good luck in future.
Remember a pirates words before death - I rather live short but merely life.
01-04-17, 11:46 PM
lovebroken

I think what love means is very individual to those feeling it because every one thinks and feels differently about most things in life. I feel love is the desire to not ever be without that person in your life, thinking of a life without them, saddens you. They are a valuable part of your life and without them your life feels incomplete.
04-04-17, 12:45 AM
TheEvilJester

They are making advances in the medical world all the time. I sincerely hope that they are able to find a cure for your particular condition very soon. I would wish for you to live to see that day.... so you can live to see many more thereafter.

If nothing else, though, just focus as best you can on spending the days you do have as happy as you possibly can. Believe me, again, I of all people know how hard that can be to actually put into practice. But, it is definitely a pursuit worth making. I definitely understand what you mean about being able to feel happy on your own..... but feeling like you are even happier when in a relationship.

I can relate to that feeling. Hopefully you don't misunderstand my advice to mean I am implying you should just learn to be happy without. That is not my intended message at all. Mainly, I mean that it is best, if you can, to find happiness within yourself.... and yet still want to find love. A lot of times people seem to imply that you need you just find happiness without needing love. I can definitely understand and agree with what I believe is their intended message.... but I was never myself a fan of the implication that you shouldn't be upset to be alone.

We, as human beings, generally have this fundamental need for love. For companionship. For a partner in life. It's not like it is something you can just turn off voluntarily. Believe me, if you could I would have a LONG time ago. So, I can relate to that feeling like something is missing. Like, even at your happiest, without somebody special to share it with it still just feels like it isn't full. If you CAN find that sense of fullness without a relationship, then that is GREAT. Many people cannot. That doesn't mean they can't be happy without.... you can be happy and yet still feel something in your life is missing.

Blah blah blah.... What the Hell am I even going on and on about? LOL! Anyway.... I think the point of all that is that my greatest wish for you, in this regard anyway, would be for you to find happiness in and of yourself and not NEED love to be happy.... but to wind up finding love anyway. Good luck, friend.
05-04-17, 06:46 AM
richiro

the thign about love and feelings are - its very personal, specific. Love is different from "relationsihp".
for instance.. you are saying that you LOVE that girl or thought it was love, "but since she didn't love you back it wasn't love?" no.. that's incorrect.

what is correct is that you were IN LOVE with her. she was NOT in love with you. therefore there is no relationship. LOVE and RELATIONSHIP are separate beasts altogether.

LOVING somebody and being IN LOVE are also very separate concepts. I can be IN LOVE with Alicia silverstone but i dont' LOVE her b/c i dont' know anything about her and don't know that we are compatible b/c we've never met.

being IN LOVE is about what we want and feel.
LOVING somebody is about what we give to another human being.

so we have to first differentiate all thse terms instead of lumping them all together.

you were IN LOVE with her (but did not love her).
she was NOT in love with you.
Therefore there is no relationship here.
05-04-17, 09:20 AM
CleanCut

Hmm, guess the issue is then that I don't know how to make women love me. Maybe I'm just not attractive enough or interesting enough to be loved or something. Who knows?... I certainly don't.
06-04-17, 12:41 AM
TheEvilJester

If you ever figure that out (why women don't seem to love you), let me know. I'll do the same... though I doubt I ever will. As far as how to make them love you.... that's just it. You can't really MAKE anybody love you. Nobody can. So, honestly, don't focus so much on what you should do to make somebody love you and instead just focus on trying to be the best you. That is exactly what will help you to find somebody who will love you.

I mean, that isn't to say it is a bad idea to evaluate your dating history and determine if maybe there are some things you could do better. Maybe there are ways you contributed to your attempts at a relationship not working out, maybe you've just been unfortunate enough to pick a lot of the wrong people. It never hurts to take a good look at yourself and do some self-improvement..... but if you do that, do it FOR you, not because you think it is required for somebody to love you.

There is a saying that I don't 100% agree with, but I do in a case like this. "If you can't take me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best." I don't ALWAYS agree with that because I think A-holes use that as their excuse to think it is okay for them to be an A-hole and people should just accept it. However, I think in a case like yours it really does apply. Those people obviously didn't deserve you anyway. Again, that doesn't mean you can't work on some self-improvement if you want. I always encourage that. I'm just saying, don't get down on yourself like there is something wrong with you. Like you are unattractive or uninteresting or something like that.

There is somebody out there who will find you very attractive and very interesting. You just have to find her. Both of those things are very subjective. What is unattractive to some people may be the epitome of attractive to somebody else. What is boring to some may be enthralling to others. I can't say I know you personally, but from what I've seen of you here, you seem a decent enough fellow. You seem a relatively good dude who has just been dealt a bad hand. That doesn't have to be your lot in life.

Good luck to you.
07-04-17, 01:06 AM
Hooo!

what you think love is is the equivalent of having a crush on someone.
you love them. Poets describe it as "longing" "sexual tension" "Butterflies in the stomach"
its like loving a good computer game. You are loving it for a year or two or three. Even if its shit or frustrating or your no good at it.

And then there is the fairy tale love. Its when two people have a crush on each other instantly developed.

and then there is deep connecting love.
And here it gets very difficult to explain.
Maybe you have read the harry potter series. Snape loves lilly. Harry loves his friends (and has a crush on ginny).
The deep love is a basic need for the other person. Its a need for them to be happy.
I once described it as a "burning in the soul" and felt pretty dumb and wise at the same time afterwards (thats a strange feeling^^)
The deep connecting love is not a feeling that is as noticeable as having a crush on someone. For me it was burried beneath a many of feelings (boredome, the fading out of having a crush, my own insecurity)
but once you have got it you just want the world to be at peace for the once you love.
Its less noticeable, but even trying to describing it (and desperatly trying not to (and failing at it) make a fool out of myself) it feels so strong and real.
Its like when you walk on a cloudy day and you look at the ground and after a while you realise that the sun has indeed been shining upon you and you realise how vital that has been. It like that - just from the inside.

im not sure if that even makes sense to you or to anyone else

- - - Updated - - -

Quote:

Originally Posted by richiro [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

the thign about love and feelings are - its very personal, specific. Love is different from "relationsihp".
for instance.. you are saying that you LOVE that girl or thought it was love, "but since she didn't love you back it wasn't love?" no.. that's incorrect.

what is correct is that you were IN LOVE with her. she was NOT in love with you. therefore there is no relationship. LOVE and RELATIONSHIP are separate beasts altogether.

LOVING somebody and being IN LOVE are also very separate concepts. I can be IN LOVE with Alicia silverstone but i dont' LOVE her b/c i dont' know anything about her and don't know that we are compatible b/c we've never met.

being IN LOVE is about what we want and feel.
LOVING somebody is about what we give to another human being.

so we have to first differentiate all thse terms instead of lumping them all together.

you were IN LOVE with her (but did not love her).
she was NOT in love with you.
Therefore there is no relationship here.

haha nice
thats actually a good way to put it
being IN LOVE would be my equivalent as to having a crush on someone
and LOVING is not about you (solely) anymore
its about them
07-04-17, 01:34 AM
TheEvilJester

You know, I think also a good way to describe the difference is that having a crush is like thinking you love the person. You think they could be a great match for you... you think you two could really have something great... you think there is a lot about them that makes them really swell.... but you aren't in a relationship yet. You don't know them that well yet. So, you THINK they could be a great match for you.... but you don't really know. For all you know, everything you like about them could be a lie, a facade, a false face they put on to make them seem a good person. You don't know because you don't know them well enough. In a sense, you love the IDEA of who and what you think they MAY be... but you don't know how accurate that idea of them is, if even at all.

Love is when you actually DO know them well enough. When maybe they DO live up to what you thought you saw in them, maybe they don't, or maybe it falls somewhere in between..... but you still love them anyway. You want them in your life. You love them both in spite of and because of their flaws, but also because of all their strengths. You love them, as the saying goes, warts and all. Love is when the "honeymoon phase" has ended... but you still can't see being without them. It's no longer exciting and new.... but you realize that is okay. That is maybe even better, in fact, because even with the excitement and newness of it gone you still want to be with each other.

Again... It really is a hard thing to describe. It's not the same for everybody.
07-04-17, 02:02 AM
CleanCut

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hooo! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

what you think love is is the equivalent of having a crush on someone.
you love them. Poets describe it as "longing" "sexual tension" "Butterflies in the stomach"
its like loving a good computer game. You are loving it for a year or two or three. Even if its shit or frustrating or your no good at it.

And then there is the fairy tale love. Its when two people have a crush on each other instantly developed.

and then there is deep connecting love.
And here it gets very difficult to explain.
Maybe you have read the harry potter series. Snape loves lilly. Harry loves his friends (and has a crush on ginny).
The deep love is a basic need for the other person. Its a need for them to be happy.
I once described it as a "burning in the soul" and felt pretty dumb and wise at the same time afterwards (thats a strange feeling^^)
The deep connecting love is not a feeling that is as noticeable as having a crush on someone. For me it was burried beneath a many of feelings (boredome, the fading out of having a crush, my own insecurity)
but once you have got it you just want the world to be at peace for the once you love.
Its less noticeable, but even trying to describing it (and desperatly trying not to (and failing at it) make a fool out of myself) it feels so strong and real.
Its like when you walk on a cloudy day and you look at the ground and after a while you realise that the sun has indeed been shining upon you and you realise how vital that has been. It like that - just from the inside.

im not sure if that even makes sense to you or to anyone else

- - - Updated - - -

haha nice
thats actually a good way to put it
being IN LOVE would be my equivalent as to having a crush on someone
and LOVING is not about you (solely) anymore
its about them

Well, back in Middle School and all through High School there was a girl that I felt like that for and am pretty sure she felt the same way. It seemed like I ran into that girl everywhere and despite being in the same school, we didn't even live in the same town, but I always seemed to bump into her anywhere I went; even once in a large mall in a large town about 50 miles away from where we went to school. I have yet to have that strong of an attraction to anyone else in my adult life, but have come close a couple times. I just really wasn't ready for a relationship back then and I also really didn't want something to cause me getting stuck living in my home town/state so I ignored the feelings and got through High School and College without dating anyone and then left the state. As I suspected, that girl currently lives back in my home town and has a kid that attends my mother's day care center ironically.

At the time, I guess I didn't realize how rare it is to find those feelings in a person. I hope that wasn't my one and only chance at love, surely it can be found in someone else hopefully.
08-04-17, 11:01 PM
Hooo!

i doubt that that was love. You still dont really know the person. I think you were in love with the idea of her.

Maybe love doesnt take time, but mine did. Love is not a feeling thats there or develops as quickly as a crush on someone.
dont get me wrong: having a crush or being IN love is a reaaaaally nice feeling to have. Its a good place of mind.

but deeply loving someone for me it takes time. Like jester sais: You notice it after the exitement has gone.

I am also personally convinced that you can love more than 1 person at the same time (same goes for being in love)
and i am pretty sure that you can find love after you have loved
same as you find a new crush when the old didnt work out.
11-04-17, 01:48 AM
TheEvilJester

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hooo! [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you were in love with the idea of her.

Yes. That is exactly what I would suggest. Similar to having a crush on somebody (which maybe actually is what you had for this gal) you don't really know if what you thought you saw in her was true or not. So, you were more in love with the idea of her, just as Hooo said, not the reality of her. Had you ever tried, maybe her reality would have lived up to that idea, maybe it would not. You don't know that, but it is a little late now, so there is no point in dwelling on it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CleanCut [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I hope that wasn't my one and only chance at love, surely it can be found in someone else hopefully.

No. No, it was not. Don't get me wrong. I do NOT mean to deny the magic of love, the idea that you can click in a special way with somebody and that it can feel just meant to be. I do believe in the idea of finding "THE One." ... However, despite that name ("THE One") I don't think there is only one person, one chance we all have to find that special somebody. I think there are numerous people who could very well turn out to be that one special somebody for all of us. Again, that isn't to say that any one relationship isn't special. I also don't mean that to suggest that you shouldn't feel satisfied if you find somebody who you feel is the one. If you DO find that, you shouldn't question it. Well, at least not based on thinking there is somebody else out there. At the same time, you shouldn't let yourself be duped into thinking you've found "the one" even if it is somebody so wrong for you... but just because you don't want to be alone.

God, I'm kind of talking in circles here. LOL! I just feel more confused. I think, again, though, it is just a hard thing to explain. Bottom line, though... NO, she was not your one and only shot at love. COULD she have maybe been somebody who could have been "the one?" Maybe.... but that doesn't mean she's the only one. I hope you find that special connection very soon, my friend. :)