How can I answer him?? Help!!

[Trevaskiss]

I’m not sure where to start with this, but here goes.

I’ve been with my partner now for 8 months, he’s 46 and I’m 40. Prior to him, I’d never had a serious relationship – I’d been single for 5 years but had always had a very flirty nature – regardless if I fancied someone or not. My partner and I were having a long distance relationship, but he has moved to me now.

Our relationship has been extremely loving and affectionate from the very beginning, and I pretty much fell in love with him straight away.

Anyway, about a month into our relationship, he was out of action one evening and I was worried about him. I knew where he was and I knew that he would be in touch again later that evening to let me know he was alright.

I was also on Facebook that evening as I was home along and it resulted in me having a bit of flirty banter with a friends husband. It was nothing real major, but obviously at the time I felt that it was inappropriate enough that I didn’t want it upsetting my partner as he is a very sensitive man, so I deleted it. However, the next day he made a comment on another status update which referred to our PM’s the night before. Of course I’d deleted all the PM’s and the comments on the previous status update, but completely forgot to get rid of that comment he made.

My friend was also away that weekend, however, she knows that it is only harmless banter we have.

My partner and I had a huge argument quite a while after that and he just suddenly bought it up and told me that he’d seen the comment about the PM and asked what was being said. I’m one of these people who has a really bad memory and while I had a vague idea what it was about, I genuinely, honestly, cannot remember what the whole thing was about.

Anyway, he eventually calmed down and came round, however, he keeps on bringing it up – time and time again. He keeps on asking “Why” I did it? Why I felt the need to do it? And was he not good enough for me that I felt the need to get attention elsewhere. Everytime we have an argument about things, he will bring it up and I dread it now.

I realise that what I did was wrong, and more to the point – deleting it. I know that and I totally understand that. To add insult to injury, he was out of action and not able to say/do anything. He’s already told me it was unforgivable and I realise that. I just cannot answer his questions as I don’t remember too much about that evening anyway.

This morning, he woke up in a not too good mood and just out of the blue said “I’m fed up with feeling like this, only you can resolve this, you caused it and you just won’t give me the answers I want”. I’m trying to tell him that it’s not that I won’t give him the answers, I just can’t as I can’t remember. He thinks that I’m choosing to forget and that there was more with this other guy than the flirting. And to be honest, I don’t fancy him at all – not in a million years would I go there. He said that I can’t have loved him if I acted that way. You don’t act that way when you love someone.

Serious relationships are a very new thing to me and I think part of me still saw the ‘single’ girl side for a while at the start. I’ve also since deleted my FB account and started a new one with family and close friends only as other comments others were making from my past were also offensive in my partners eyes.

My partner and I have become very serious and are saving like crazy so that we can get a bigger house together. I really do believe I have found the love of my life here, I’m just worried that my screw up at the beginning of our relationship is going to affect us till the end of days.

I don’t know how I can ever answer his questions, and I know due to his sensitive nature, I have to be very very careful what I say.

[Wakeup]

Why don't you just go to the guy you were being inappropriate with and ask him what the two of you were on about? If you want your bf to give up his relentless wanting to know, then you best let him know what you said and why you said it... example: Because you were still kind of in "single mode" at the beginning of your relationship and were unaware of the relationship boundaries that he has now made known to you.
Once you tell him everything he wants to know then tell him:
If after that he doesn't stop with his questioning and insecurity about the situation then you will have no choice but to leave him and tell him you are doing so because his inability to forgive and forget is not something you will put up with for the rest of your days.

Mean what you say and for fk sakes, keep the proper relationship boundaries in place because you're NOT single so don't act it. Flirting to the point that you have to delete it isn't proper.

[smackie9]

I guess this is all a learning experience for you. Tip: if you have to hide it you shouldn't be doing it. Instead of deleting all those messages you should have stopped this bantering and promptly told said friend's husband to stop, but the fact you didn't speaks volumes. You make some poor choices, and you new BF is wondering what other poor choices you are going to make. The trust factor is blown out of the water. I suggest you let him meet this couple, so he can see you are just close friends and the wife is well aware of such bantering. It might put his mind at ease. OR you can have this guy forward the conversation to you. If he has deleted it, then you will know that it's not OK with your friend either and her husband is stepping over his boundaries too.