A long story about some weird feeling between two persons

[GeoBoy]

Hello,

I would be really thankful for any advice, because I am absolutely lost and don't know what to do. I tried to explain my story in details in order to transmit the situation. Sorry, if it sounds to detailed.

My story has started 9 years ago (now I am 33 years old). I met a girl, let's call her Bella. She was 5 years younger than me, and we liked each other. But both of us were not alone, therefore our relationship was platonic. But I felt in love... and at the same time I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend that I had in that time (I know it sounds contradictory, but I don't want to hide anything). Also, I thought that Bella needs someone who can give her more than I could in that time. Probably this was the main reason. I was sure that her boyfriend was a better candidacy. Well, I was trying to nullify me romantic feelings, but it was very difficult to do.
We were meeting every 2-3 weeks and we were passing a great time together as friends. Bella was always taking the initiative to meet, and she was flirting a bit with me. After one year of such relationship we kissed for the first time. And that's it... Each time I met her, I was "paralysed". I thought that the time will resolve everything, but it did not happen.
One day she told me that she will not wait me forever, but at the same time she was talking a lot about her boyfriend. Therefore I was always confused and thought that she is probably too young.

After 4 years of our friendship, I went to live to another country. I tried to start a new life with new people. Bella broke her relationship with her boyfriend and then she invited me to visit her. I bought a flight ticket and we met. She prepared a romantic atmosphere in her house. HOWEVER, she started talking all the time about her new friends. She said that one of them shows interest in her and she probably likes him. This fact affected me so much. Instead of taking the chance, I felt myself very stupid, I felt myself like a toy for her. Therefore I went to sleep to another bad and was cold with her. Nothing happened between us. Next day, when I entered into my train to go to the airport, I remember that we were looking at each other through the window's crystal without taking eyes off each other. Then the train started moving, I was looking at her and thinking that this is the last time we meet. I was mentally saying her goodbye.

After this she started dating the boy that she was talking about during our meeting... And I disappeared from Bella's life. I found a girlfriend and was happy with her.
However, Bella appeared again in 4 years and I understood that she was basically alone for the last 3 years.
Then we met several times during a year when I was on vacation in her country. We were happy to see each other. The last time I was there, we met almost every day. And then one day she kissed me. It was like many years ago... And then she told me that I should go away, that it's not correct, that I have a girlfriend. I didn't go away... I told her about my feelings.. I didn't say that I love her, but I said that I have strong feelings and want to find some solution. I wasn't shy any more. She was taking my hands, but kept silence. When I asked her about her feeling, she said that she is very confused, that we really don't know each other, therefore it's difficult for her to decide anything and that she is afraid of the responsibility to ask me to change everything in my life (job,living place,girlfriend) - she didn't say anything about her life, so it looked to me like I had to change anything for her, while she was unable to make any step. I asked her if it's better to break our relationship and she said that she doesn't want to. The most weird thing is that she told me that she doesn't feel such passion when people forget everything and don't care about further effects. She said that it's the first time when she feels this strange way. This hurt me very much, but she was very nervous and really missed. I have never seen her so sensitive before.

Next day she asked me to meet, but was like a different person, and when I wanted to talk, she said that we might be friends and get know better each other, and that she doesn't understand herself and doesn't know what to tell me. She said that I have a flight in few days and she is afraid of not being able to forget me. That's the reason, according to her.

If Bella would tell me some warm words and would open her heart, I think that I would be ready to leave my current girlfriend, though it would hurt me because I love her too, but it's a different feeling. Anyway, I am so confused. I don't want to fool my current girlfriend because I respect her and want to make some decision. But I was unable to get a clear answer from Bella. Am I like a toy for her or does she feel really something serious? I know that it's hardly possible to answer this question, maybe someone had a similar situation? I will be glad to hear your opinions.

Thanks.