Man or boy?

[Prettylilpanda]

I am dating a younger guy, he's 27, I'm 30 only 3 years younger so not really that much difference, or is there?
I have lived away from my parents since I was 16 years old. The guy I'm dating, only moved away from his parents 6 months ago and together with his friend (both 27) got a rented house.
The more I get to know him, the more I realise just how different we are.
He doesn't do his own washing, barely cleans his house, gets his friend/mum/nan to buy all his food for him. He can only cook himself microwave food. His car is insured under his dads name, so he is just a named driver, for which his parents pay for. They also pay his mobile phone bill, which has barely any call time allowance on it so he can never ring anyone. What little he gets, he uses up on pointless calls in the first couple of days. Hr is always texting people to ask them to call him.
He has no clue about what bills he does actually have to pay.
He hardly ever gets up before 12 midday, something which really irritates me to be honest!
He has been on the 'dole' or 'benefits' for 4 months after walking out of his last job, just because he didn't like it. He currently has a job working 2pm-10pm But it's only temporary work(a month) and finishes at Christmas. He has not attempted to get himself a job for when that finishes.
When we have sex, most of the time I have to go on top, he just seems so in experienced at it, no foreplay, just initiates for me to go on top. He doesn't want me to 'play' with him, orally or anything like that, nor does he do the same to me.
He doesn't seem to have any plans to get a mortgage or do anything 'adult'. He lives like a student basically.
He says he loves me, but he said this about 2 weeks into the relationship which makes me question it massively!
I don't mean to be so negative on the guy because he is lovely to me, always complementing me. Telling me I'm gorgeous, sexy and so on. I fancy the pants off him, i do care for him, he makes me laugh and I know he would never be violent towards me In any way. When you've been with men who are, that makes a difference.
Is being lazy, and generally very naive reason enough to end a relationship? Should I want him to change or should I just accept who he is? Am I just doubting the relationship because it's early days? Should I give him time to adjust to living away from home maybe?
Am i wanting too much? I'm not expecting perfection here but I think at 27 (almost 28)years old a man should know how to be at least somewhat adult. I do wonder if he just wants me there to take over as 'mum' to be honest.
I don't want to have a go at him all the time and be a 'naggy' girlfriend so I kind of just keep quiet about the things he does getting on my nerves.
I know that if I broke up with him he would be devastated because he says he is happier than he's been in a long time since we have been together.
I dont want to end the relationship because I do care alot for him but I also don't think I can continue to be with him whilst he is still behaving like a teenage boy.
I would be interested to hear other people's thoughts and opinions on this
Thanks

[TheEvilJester]

The complaints you are sharing here are absolutely NOT minor things. I couldn't agree with you more. If he's 27 and can't do any of those things for himself, I would frankly question whether he'll ever manage to be an adult. To me, it is unacceptable the level of babying that seems to just be an expected part of his life.

So, in my personal opinion, it would be perfectly understandable if that was enough for you to call it quits. All the same, though, you do mention he just moved out from his family home 6 months ago. Sometimes it takes a while to settle into that. Believe me, in this day and age it is not as easy as it used to be to fully engage into adult life. More people are living with their parents until later and later because it can just be so hard to afford it these days.

Still.... There are a lot of huge red flags there. And.... honestly, you know the 100% truth. If that works for him, and nobody else in his life minds it at all.... then that is just fine for him. So, yeah, even though I may think he needs to grow the Hell up, even though you may want him to grow up.... if he is fine with his life the way it is, or feels that is all he can handle, then that is his decision. So, you shouldn't necessarily force him to change.

By the same token, though, you shouldn't have to feel that you NEED to force him to change. By the same token, though he's not necessarily wrong if his lifestyle is fine for him.... you are also not wrong if it is NOT. So, it is perfectly fine if you want to give him some time (and some GENTLE nudging) to see if maybe in time he WILL be ready to be the man you want and deserve just given time......

But you'd also not be wrong if you decide he just isn't enough for you. Love is very important, so it is great you feel like you love him. But, don't fall too hard into that "fairy tale" image. Love is important, but it is not the ONLY thing that is important in a relationship. If you want to move up in life, have your own home some day, maybe have kids some day, be able to provide nice things for your family and still have enough money coming in, then having somebody who wants to work toward the same things is imperative.

If he is not going to be that guy, but you decide to stay with him anyway, believe me, it will almost certainly not work out. In cases like that, it almost never does. More likely you'll continue to want that better life and he'll continue to prefer his care-free life rather than any actual responsibility, and it will just make you both miserable.

Now, again, all of that is only speculation on my part. Heck, in time he could be everything you've ever wanted and be the next self-made billionaire of the world. Who knows? I'm just saying, your complaints are certainly very valid, so DO NOT just dismiss them and think that you should automatically just accept this situation. IF he's not and never will be that guy, you can't force himself to be something he's not. By the same concept, though, you shouldn't try to force yourself to be something you are not either.

Good luck to you. Not an easy decision you have in front of you, so I wish you the best in determining what comes next.

[Prettylilpanda]

Thank you so much for your very detailed opinion. You are pretty much saying what I am already thinking. The relationship is still in the early days. In fact we've been together for as long as he's been in his house. How much 'time' is acceptable to allow him to change. If I wait a year and he still hasnt changed. will it be a waste? Then again, as you also say I could be losing the best thing that could ever happen. It's also difficult because I wonder if I'm just freaking out because of my past experiences? Thanks again for your reply though makes me feel like less of a bitch tbh !

[TheEvilJester]

I am glad, because you are most certainly not a "b*tch" (Your word, not mine. ) in my opinion. The things you want, the things you are asking, are not unreasonable. I mean, if you wanted a giant mansion, a car that costs more than most people's houses, diamonds dripping from every inch of your body, etc. then maybe you are setting your goals a little too high. LOL!

But, wanting a guy who has a future, a career, can provide for you and the family you may want some day.... These are not unreasonable things to want. A guy who knows how to pay bills.... who can take responsibility for cleaning up after himself.... these are not unreasonable things to want, nor lofty goals for which to wish. If he doesn't want them, then that is certainly okay for him, but it's not okay for you. So, that would be a discussion that would need to happen, and preferably soon.

I wish I could give you some sort of guideline for when you should make a decision, but there really isn't any set time frame. It's not really a matter of a specific amount of time. It's just whatever feels right to you. Given time, maybe he will start to grow up. Takes some people longer than others. The thing is, even if he DOES, if it isn't at a pace that works for you, that still does NOT make you a bad person.

Hopefully he starts to show signs of moving towards adulthood and you never have to worry. ....But, I do hope you care enough about yourself to have a reasonable time frame in your own head for you will just hit enough is enough. Again, hopefully it doesn't even have to come to that, but you should care enough about your own happiness to do the right thing for yourself if it ever does.

Again, good luck!

[Prettylilpanda]

Thank you for more helpful words of wisdom 'eviljester'
I think I am going to hang on a little longer in the vane hope that perhaps he will turn a corner. If he doesn't, it's only fair that I attempt to talk through things before ending it. If that doesn't work... I'll run for the hills

I must add... for an 'evil jester ' you don't seem all that evil... in fact quite the opposite! x

[TheEvilJester]

HEY! You take that back! I'm offended. LOL!

I do seem to get that a lot around here. Not sure why. I'm so totally EVIL! ;-)

Anyways, good luck to you. Like I said, sometimes it can be hard, especially these days, to immerse fully into the adult world. So, hopefully it is just taking him a little longer. Nothing wrong with giving him some time of part of you is hoping he'll come around. Good luck to you. I hope he does eventually start to live up to what you want/need, but I'm glad to hear you care enough about yourself to run for the hills if not.

Be careful around those hills, though. I've heard the hills have eyes. LOL!