The "friends" issue

[Airborne]

Well a friend of mine's last gf broke up with him because according to him she didn't want to ruin their friendship. Unfortunately he lacks the ability to be able to read between the lines and realise that the real reason is that she simply does not want to go out with him. Consequently he is still pursueing her with the thought that if he can make her think their friendship will not be changed if they break up, then she will go out with him.

I'm wondering what would be the best method of telling him that she really doesn't want to go out with him despite the friends thing? Or am I wrong and there is an actual possibility that she won't go out with him because she does not wish to ruin their friendship?

[TAVS]

I say talk to her. Tell her she needs to be straight up with the dude for his own good. Explain to her that she's not doing him any favor. Hurt his feewings and move on.

[gHEXjt]

I say talk to her. Tell her she needs to be straight up with the dude for his own good. Explain to her that she's not doing him any favor. Hurt his feewings and move on.

I agree with Tavs.

[whaywardj]

"Consequently he is still pursueing her with the thought that if he can make her think their friendship will not be changed if they break up, then she will go out with him."

That sentence makes absolutely no sense. Nor does trying to persuade anyone off their decisions on affairs the heart make any sense. My experience has been that it's best to take a "hands off" approach that goes just shy of conveying the idea you're indifferent. At worst, the truth becomes known and two people can go happily their separate ways, knowing a doomed love affair has been avoided. At best, they can fall into each other's arms again, knowing they come to be there of their own free will... with neither being coerced there. Either way, both win.

[Junsui]

I do love the way you write, Hayward!

[whaywardj]

Thank you.

[Airborne]

It makes perfect sense hay
He is pursing her to try and change her mind on an issue which I think is not the real reason she broke up with him. Namely the "friend" issue that she does not want to ruin their friendship by going out.

If he keeps chasing her with this mentality he is only gonna get hurt, no girl says no to a guy because she is afraid of ruining their friendship. He is taking this seriously and cannot read between the lines.

Should I tell her to be real to him? Or should I tell him the harsh truth?

[whaywardj]

Oh, I get the gist. But his syntax says: She's breaking up to save the friendship. He's saying the friendship won't change if they DO break up. Therefore, there's no point in breaking up to save the friendship. So they don't need to breakup. It's senseless.

I do agree she doesn't want to romance him anymore. At least, it seems that way.

I disagree that no woman breaks up with a man for that reason. I know several women who've done just that with the most sincere of intentions. Or have put the brakes on things before they ever got to a romantic level for the sake of remaining friends. Of those several, only one or two were successful in their effort. For the most part, the men concerned couldn't handle it.

[Airborne]

Aye maybe so at for you Hay, though a 15yr old breaking up for those reasons? Highly unlikely.

Should I tell him to read between the lines? Or tell her to tell him to stop bothering? The risk I run is if i'm wrong i'll look like a real dick.

[whaywardj]

Hm. Point taken. Forgot about the age thing. Always having been one to not waste my time trying to persuade someone to give me what they don't want to offer, I'd not bother with it and move on to someone who did want to. Friendship AFTER romance is a very difficult thing to accomplish. Even for so-called grown ups. For a 15 year-old taken by infatuation I'd say it's neigh on impossible to accomplish. Any effort to just leads to vindictive behaviors of the type another poster talked about on another thread.

[Airborne]

Hmm all this doesn't really answer the question of should I tell him to stop bothering trying to go out with her?

Or should I tell her of his feelings and get her to tell him to stop bothering?

Because lets face it in most circumstances the whole friendship thing is usually just a means to say i'm not interested in you, and especially in this case where it was a reason she broke up, I highly doubt that she has feelings for him.

[whaywardj]

I musta missed something. Why are you in the middle of any of this again?

[Airborne]

Well my idiot of a friend comes out and says to me "Don't steal her from me", when for starters they broke up, and secondly she doesn't want to go out with him. Lol its sorta funny. Cause I have only met her once, and consequently consider the situation to be sort of strange. So I guess that is my involvement.

Guess it was because that happened in the past.

[whaywardj]

I thought SHE broke up with him and he doesn't want to break up. ARE you interested in also snaking this girl from your "friend"? Sounds like it. Why do you find his agitation amusing? Does his being an idiot make it okay for you to insinuate yourself into their affairs? I smell a rat and it might be you.

[Airborne]

I understand why, but ya see it has happened before, me "snaking" a girl who he wants to go out with, though she never wanted to go out with him, and she had wanted to go out with me for weeks. He stakes a "claim" on girls who are not interested in him, and this annoys me somewhat.

I find his agitation amusing because quite plainly and simply this guy changes who he likes near on weekly, and also at any one time wants to go out with about 3 girls. I am not interested her at the moment, and as a general rule I try not to go after girls, but if she goes after me I am not overly interested in saying no because he is being stupid and chasing after a girl who he claims as being his, despite her not being interested in him, because she is a pretty cool girl.

By being his friend, and hers to a lesser extent I am automatically insinuated in their affairs. The reason I am being a "snake" so to speak is because it really annoys me that he seems to try and claim what is not his under the guise of wanting to go out with her. Despite the fact that in a few weeks time he probably will not be interested in her.

I am no rat, I am not going to try and jeopardise his chances with her. What I do intend to do is prove to him that she is not interested in him, and try to make him realise he should not stake a claim on anyone who is not showing the slightest bit of interest in him! Nor should he try and limit his friends from going out with people who are not interested in him. Personally I do not intend to try and go out with her as I do not know her well enough yet, though when i know her better I may well do as she seems like a pretty cool person.