Turning into a sad creature

[traveler28]

Hi there,

I'm hoping that maybe someone might be able to rationalise through my peculiar situation.
Let me start by saying that I am not a typical woman in the sense that I do not believe men are bastards and that my brain most of the time seems to be more on the masculine side of things. I have great male friends, I have had amazing boyfriends and I believe this to be because of my relaxed views and attitude towards relationships. Many women will find this peculiar, but I don't have a particular problem with my guy having some indiscretions for instance. As long as I can feel the love, things like that don't affect me. I encourage my men to spend time with their mates and try not to suffocate them. After all I am a firm believer in that if you love something you should set it free.

Recently though I found myself in a pickle of a situation. I have been away, traveling for 1 year and during my last 3 weeks I met this guy with whom we decided on the spot to travel together to a remote exotic locale. And so we did for these 3 magical weeks. We were unbelievably compatible and in love. Everything about the whole affair was perfect with a capital P. Even if he didn't feel the need to verbally express himself (he told me he loves me and that I made him love again after 2 years), I could still see it in the way he looked at me and from his actions. I might be stupid in many matters in life, but I want you to believe me when I say that I do understand these things. When we had to part I can still remember the heart- wrenching moment when the train I was on was leaving and him running with the train on the platform, holding my hands and crying, until we were separated and the train took me away. The magic was over and I was grateful I found it, sure that I would cherish it for the rest of my life. I was prepared like the realist I am to let it go and just have it as a memory to retrieve.
Upon my return back home though, he keeps sending me messages. Every three days let's say. Instead of the communication becoming sparser and sparser it becomes more dense. We find ourselves contacting everyday either via messages of FB chat. May I mention that I am back now for 2 months. And he of course keeps on traveling. 3 weeks ago he finds me in skype and tells me something that has hinted before and that I have tried to pretend I haven't heard. He tells me that he wants to be with me, traveling with me and after the travel is over settle down with me somewhere on the planet and start something serious there. I immediately say no. Not because I don't love him (he's all I can think of), or not because I am not crazy enough, but primarily because I don't have any money left and I have never been a kept woman (it's not my inclination). He insists and openly cries because I am willing to let a trivial thing like money to get on the way. He says that he has absolutely no problem to finance my trip and that I can find jobs as we travel. After all backpacking cost peanuts. He insists more and more genuinely, I can tell. And then 2 weeks ago after not sleeping for 3 days I tell him that I am now THINKING about his proposal. We spend 2 hours in skype with him being super excited and emotional, me reminding him that it's not a done deal yet, exchanging words of love. And we hung up with him preparing to leave the current country he is in and travel to the next with a motorbike, about 800 Km away. Like I said this was two weeks ago and I haven't heard of him since. He appears to not have any activity on FB either. Today two of his friends are asking him in FB, where the heck he is. But casually, not in a worried tone.

Now, several options are going through my head. The first is of course an accident (he is a terrible driver, really crazy and already in these 2 months apart he has fractured his elbow and burnt his leg). Being in the remote, developing country he travels for now, I know it is not easy to communicate when on hospital with severe accident issues. I've been in this country myself before I met him. But as far as not contacting me without the hospital factor in I am not buying it. Developing or not, this is 2010 and internet is in every major town even there. So being a realist and never finding excuses for men, I am inclined to believe that he simply changed his mind and he either isn't bothered to tell me or he actually avoids confronting me. Which is a shame because he understands how relaxed I am and even if I was to turn to a psycho, what can I do from such a distance? He can simply erase me from a FB friend and that's that. At this point I should add that the internet is our only option as he doesn't have a mobile phone nor my number (I know I didn't have a phone throughout my travels).

And ladies and gentlemen, I am asking. Why and how? Seriously, I am rather confused and of course hurt. And what bugs me even more is that he initiated the whole thing. I was okay with leaving it as such.

Do you think that an accident is still an option? Not that I want him to have an accident mind you. I just happen to know how crazy of a driver he is. And maybe the men out there can back me up that it is probably the latter option of him changing his mind?

Why and how?

I apologise for the lengthy message and I'd appreciate any response.
Thank you for your patience.

[Natlee]

Is there any chance of contacting any of his friends to see if they have had contact with his since 2 weeks ago? This would rule out any kind of accident. But if they have then it may seem it that he is just another guy who changes him mind. There could be problems with the internet though even if it is accessible in some areas.

[Gigabitch]

He sounds impulsive and somewhat unreliable. i wouldn't be all that surprised if he turns up in the next couple of days wondering what all the fuss is about.

I'm not sure if the freestyle quality of your relationship will translate well into something more committed and interdependent. Please be careful about making this decision.

[traveler28]

you completely addressed this issue right. I do know he's too impulsive and unreliable goes with the territory. The thing is, I am one of those weirdos that do not crave the "normal" life. Don't want to get married, I don't like my profession, have nothing holding me back and I crave the adventure, knowing that it very rarely can lead to something permanent. So I was willing to go for it and live it for while it lasts. This year of traveling by myself, though it seemed crazy for most of my friends, for me it was the best and most fulfilling times of my life.

[traveler28]

well I do not want to appear as a crazy person by asking people I don't know about something like that. What I am thinking of doing if more weeks elapse with no activity on his behalf, I'll contact his brother whom I've found in his friends, because it's only logical that a member of family would know.

[Gigabitch]

The part of all this that concerns me is the money. This guy is going to take care of you, pay your way? Really? I would be uncomfortable with that.

[traveler28]

I too am completely uncomfortable with that, it is simply something out of my character. That is why I initially kept saying no despite the pressure on his behalf. But, we'll backpack and I can work on the way. To be honest the major expense is the air tickets, which I would certainly pay back at some point, I do not like owing people and never borrowed money from even my friends so far. . Other than that it's sort of okay (to give you a figure, in 1 year I spend, without working as I went, just traveling under 3,500 Euros). I know what you're saying though, this is the only black cloud here. Oh, and the fact that he has disappeared.

[IndiReloaded]

You keep using words like 'crazy' and 'psycho' to describe yourself. Its like you think you are or have been accused of this before.

At the same time you write as if you are educated. Your posts indicate you have misgivings about this man but at the same time you want to believe it is something more than it probably is. Since you seem rational I would suggest listening to that inner voice: it probably ISN'T more than what it is but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying yourself. Do it at your own expense, tho. Your relationship is too young, IMO, to put yourself into debt with a man you barely know.

Good luck.

[xxazurexx]

Bunch of terrorists may have him held captive for all you know.

I'd have put it down to the fact that he'd bottled out, had his friends not been missing his absence. Because they are, is what makes this situation an odd one.

[traveler28]

You made me laugh with your psycho comment! No, the reason I don't want to appear psycho or crazy is because I've seen it too many times with my female friends and I am usually the voice of reason (I am known as a very harsh critic of my own gender), telling them to cool down their tendencies towards drama. Ironic how now I am the drama queen, huh? In any case, I had it really well with men so far in my life, wonderful people in nice relationships that simply fulfilled their circle and I never felt the need to be a bitch. In the couple of instances in my life that I have been mistreated, I let it go as an exception rather than a rule for men as a kind and moved on without too much drama.
As for him being less than the man I thought he was, I see that you too are inclined to back me up that this isn't an accident, or difficulty in finding internet or any other reason than him being an immature, selfish person that simply changed his mind. I just wish he wrote to me, let me know he's okay, that he changed his mind and that's that, so I can stop worrying 24/7...

[cmacattack1]

What a powerful story. It makes me want to just put my dream of pharm school on hold to just go out there and do stuff and live life.

Nothing wrong with being completely rational about this. Obvious you care about him and it makes it feel like you are going against your better judgment. Which in a way you are: do you guys want the same thing? Is the timing right? Is somebody you barely know going to keep traveling and then all the suddent settle down when he's ready to? Will you be ready to then? Do you have some things to figure out in terms of what you want to do with your life and does settling down with him fit into those plans?

All he has is his word and it's a promise that is currently unfulfilled. Until he is able to fulfill that, you are just going to be left hooked, wanting, waiting, hoping. It just doesn't seem stable to go from talking to you hours a day to not hearing from him, even if its only been two weeks. And I don't think he can be totally trusted until he comes up with some record of consistency.

He's got you wanting to do this. The next move's on him. Depending on how you feel when you hear from him again, you can take the appropriate action. I wouldn't hold your breath or wait up though. Keep moving forward, living your life, and I'm sure he will pop in again when you aren't expecting it.

[traveler28]

Your reply made me feel like crying. So true!
The thing is that I am in a point it my life that I don't have anything keeping me from doing something that crazy. I'm not a particularly traditional girl, don't want to get married, never dreamt of my wedding day, I am not a big fun of security and stability. Routine makes feel like I am wrapped in an invisible, suffocating membrane. So yes, I was willing to give it a shot, preparing myself that it could only last a month, worst case scenario, but at least I would have done it! But like you said, that was two weeks ago that everything seemed peachy. Of course now the dynamics have changed and even if he comes back (and provided it wasn't the case of a hospitalization) I will have to think twice. Such shame that such a rare fairy tale has turned sour without even being given a chance to flourish...