New relationship help

[Josefeline]

Hi all

Just seeking a little bit of advice really...perhaps im being silly who knows!

Here goes..i met my boyfriend about 3 months ago, we've been together for about 2 months now and im worried that im messing things up between us.
My previous relationship ended 2 years ago and ended badly. He left me 3 months after proposing to me, reason being he wanted to be on his own for a while. The relationship wasnt a good one towards the end, you know when you know its ending and your flogging a dead horse but you keep on trying because you love them? He was incredibly controlling, nasty and preferred playing non stop computer games to spending time with me.
I think it has left me with a complex, my current boyfriend is lovely, hes kind, friendly, funny, attentive and treats me like a princess. Hes not perfect, no one is, but i seem to be having doubts about the relationship. Im worried that im going to get hurt and he will leave me every time we have a disagreement, even a small one spirals because of me over reacting, i get so scared and then i get upset and the argument ends up being so much more than it should have been because of this. Im also quite a sensitive person, and my first reaction is to get upset rather than argue back, im aware that someone who constantly cries at things can be annoying and im scared that he will leave me for this reason.
My boyfriend, without sounding like a complete snob, is not on the same 'intellectual level' as me, im a graduate with a reasonablt well paid job. He works in a supermarket and is severely dyslexic, this does not affect my feelings for him, i love him despite all this because of his amazing personality and his ability to make me laugh and smile all the time.
Im worried that we rushed into falling in love, and this scares me, im scared and i think im pushing him away by over reacting to silly things and being so afraid that another man will reject and leave me.
Im currently going through a tough time at home as well, although im not using it as an excuse, my father was diagnosed with a terminal lung disease which is slowly progressing. I think it may be having an effect.

Im so sorry for the essay here, i would just appreciate some thoughts on how to deal with this and how to act. Do i leave him if im doubting things?argh!

[Bonfire]

This is a case of making an issue out of nothing. Being smart has a drawback that is smart people tend to over-analyze things. Sometimes you just have to stop yourself from thinking too much and go with the flow. Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy. Why not give this relationship a proper chance? Stop worrying, just enjoy it.

[devonbrown]

I agree with Bonfire (seems that I normally do...). It is only a 2 month old relationship. Just relax and let things happen. If you continue to get upset at little things and you see evidence that it is taking a negative toll on your relationship (not just your worrying, but your bf acting differently towards you because of it), make a point to talk to him about what has happened in the past and that you appreciate him being understanding and that you are working on it.

Also, sorry to hear about your father. I know that is a really hard thing that is probably getting to you in ways you don't even realize.

Good luck.

[qbanwayz]

I'm going through a similar issue. Mines has to do with a past relationship that ended horribly with my ex lying and cheating towards the end. Now its effecting my current relationship. Like some of the people that posted here, I totally agree. But what has help me make the relationship better is to be completely open and honest with my girlfriend. I told her about my past and how it is effecting me. It has help me alot with my insecurities even though they are still there. Just remember, when you start getting upset and think you are gona overreact, sit back and think before you speak. Try to talk to him to see how you guys can deal with arguments better. I know it has help me with my girlfriend that we have been doing so much better with arguments. I use to be someone, like you, who overreacts. But I learned to think before I speak when I feel like im getting upset. The good things is that I have a very understanding girlfriend that works with me and has dealt with her past the same way. She use to be someone that use to call names and say really hurtful things when she argued with her ex, when she realize that was a problem she worked on it by realizing to cool down when she is upset. I started doing the same thing and it has made my relationship much better.

[Josefeline]

Hi

Thank you for your advice.
I have been honest and explained how my past has effected me etc as youve said. But i find myself being afraid that im mentioned my ex boyfriend too much or make him feel like im comparing him to my ex. How do you get around that?

J

[qbanwayz]

yea, I've felt similar when I talk about my ex. But we talk a lot about our past relationship. We just understood that they were big influences in our lives. She has been with her ex for five years, and they had lots of ups and down. I wasn't with my ex for that long but the shit I went through with her really effected me bad. So we both have an understanding and dont take it personal when we talk about them. But what it seems like to me is that you need to talk more about your arguments and how to deal with them better. Ask him what he dislikes about the arguments, what gets him mad. And also find out what you dont like about what he does in a argument. But try not to point fingers and say you do this and that. Tell him how you feel when he says something to upset you. You need to figure out how to reduce and work out your conflicts with him so that you dont feel the relationship is heading down the drain. If you do that, I am sure that time will make things better and those fears wont bug you as much. But that is not the cure, the cure is to try to understand that not everything will always work out the way you want it to, and you need to learn how to deal with that in the proper way. No one can guarantee us that our love one will never hurt us, we have to learn to enjoy what we have now. Thats the part that im still trying to figure out.

[Kaius]

Your difference in intellect and career path doesn't matter at this point in the relationship. It will matter later on when there is more commitment and future at stake. For now, you should take things slowly. Why be in a relationship when it makes you upset?
That defeats the purpose of being with someone. yes, he is a good guy, and you love him. But if the arguments are always blown out of proportion, you have to ask yourself is the positive more than the negative in this relationship?

[VincenzoG91]

Josefeline, what is with all these fears? You are afraid of:

1. Getting your feelings hurt.
2. Breaking up.
3. Crying too much.
4. Rushing into love.
5. Pushing your boyfriend away.
6. Being rejected by your boyfriend.
7. Your father possibly dying.
8. Mentioning your ex too much.
9. Comparing your current boyfriend to your ex too much.

That's a lot of fear and anxiety, especially regarding a relationship that can only be measured in months. Let go of this fear and try to enjoy life a little, or get therapy if you can't do it by sheer force of will. Being in a relationship requires you to put your feelings out there, and the only way to avoid that is to avoid relationships. Your father might die, but we all die sooner or later. My father died two years ago of lung cancer and I had no choice but to accept that reality. Life is a feast, and you're starving because you're afraid to sit at the table. Be brave, and take each day as it comes, a precious chunk of time that you should savor while you can.