Should your Husband have close Female friends

[Am I crazy?]

wakeup,

hahaha. dating? good lord. So if my wife hangs out with another man or is best friends with a man that's dating? wow! that is shallow. Boundaries = lack of trust

[Wakeup]

Whatever, dude. If the only thing that separates your wife from your girl friends is sex, then yes, you're dating.

Blind trust = naivety

[Wakeup]

Now.. You know my position on this, I know yours and you can call michelle insecure or myself insecure all you want. You can tell us we don't trust our partners all you want as well but it doesn't make it so. Just like you can deny that your wife drinking and hanging out one on one with another man isn't dating.. that wouldn't make it so (as far as I'm concerned) either.

//

[Am I crazy?]

Wakeup,

You are one twisted up insecure chick. You, like Michelle, have no concept of what putting your complete trust and faith in another person is. I feel sorry for people like you. If you think those boundaries that you put in place were necessary for you to achieve 36 years of marriage then you have to ask yourself if your marriage is really as successful as you think it is. Do you have a marriage based upon trust or boundaries?

[Wakeup]

And you are one dude who insists on pushing his own lifestyle on those that do not agree with it.
I feel sorry for people like you because you're not happy unless everyone is on board with your own ideas, you're tunnel vision is laughable.

I don't have to ask myself anything just because YOU think I should. Silly man.

[Am I crazy?]

passing my lifestyle upon others? hahaha!! have you not read some of the crap written here by you and your friends? I am a clear minority here and it just pisses off you and a few others to have somebody disagree with you. I am not pushing anything, just telling you how a trusting relationship looks.

[TablesandChairs]

People differ on this topic and that's fine. I come from the line of thinking that favors trust over boundaries. Once you need boundaries, there's already something wrong in the trust department. Committed, well-adjusted adults don't need to be told to do the right thing, they do it by default. If they don't, then I can't be bothered setting rules; I'm not their mother. Catching up with a female friend after work for a few drinks and a chat = okay. Going back to her house and having drunken sex = not okay. But then, grown people who value their relationship won't end up doing the latter.

[Wakeup]

Pffft... You see it one way, we see it another. You are welcome to how you work your partnership just as we are. You're happy, just as we are. No one is losing anything here except you and your attempts at making the one's that don't agree with you somehow deficient in either our mental capacity or the validity of our happy unions.

As someone said its about picking a compatible partner and when two peope agree to something (whether it be your way or our way) then it's all good.

[Am I crazy?]

Wakeup,

I actually agree with what you just said but have you seen what most of the responses to peoples problems here say? its almost exclusively that two people of the opposite sex cant be close friends and if they are they are having an "emotional affair". That's crazy and its what's being pushed upon just about anybody seeking advice here. That is a very closed minded and self serving, self protecting, unhealthy way to be in a relationship and very poor advice.

[Wakeup]

I think the concensus is that you can have close OSF's but the dynamic of the relationship, in respect for one's partner, needs to change once one or the other of the 'friends' is in a romantic relationship. Hopefully, the OSF will become friends with the new partner of their friend as well.

If one's partner will not introduce their opposite sex friend, if one's partner is hanging out and spending as much time with that friend one-on-one as they are with their romantic partner, then that is what is not acceptable. If others have tighter restrictions on the dynamic then that is their business and if both people are mutually agreeable to it, then there is no harm or restriction or chains.

Its the insistence that there is something lacking in our relationships, mind, trust capacity that is irksome. Tableand Chairs assertion of a ball an chain is ludicrous when its being applied to two people who are happy with that particular relationship boundary. It's certainly understandable and I agree with her assertion if One places the boundary on someone who doesn't agree with it but cowtows to it anyway.

[Wakeup]

People differ on this topic and that's fine. I come from the line of thinking that favors trust over boundaries. Once you need boundaries, there's already something wrong in the trust department. Committed, well-adjusted adults don't need to be told to do the right thing, they do it by default. If they don't, then I can't be bothered setting rules; I'm not their mother. Catching up with a female friend after work for a few drinks and a chat = okay. Going back to her house and having drunken sex = not okay. But then, grown people who value their relationship won't end up doing the latter.

How naive can someone be? Do you know how many people who love their spouse, would never leave them no matter what end up in emotional affairs that left to simmer turn into physical ones. People have the right intentions but people are only human. How many effing post have we heard from men and women alike who love their partner, don't want to give up their union but they allowed themselves to become vulnerable to an OSF and next thing you know, they're wrought with guilt because temptation took over. You, like AIC can live your relationship without boundaries, with blind trust and with letting your man/women be the grownups they are. We do the same but we have a rule that suits both of us. That is the key IT SUITS BOTH OF US and we don't consider it lack of trust or insecurity.

Maybe you could call it old-fashsioned though and as I've said it's worked well for us.

[IndiReloaded]

Good relationships need both trust and boundaries.

Sorry Wakeup if you already said this, I haven't read the whole thread.

@ AIC - There is blind trust and what I might call 'managed risk'. If you stand in the middle of a street for long enough, chances are you will get hit by a passing vehicle. Not to say that M-F friendships outside of marriage aren't possible, of course they are, but one shouldn't be blind to the opportunities this kind of dynamic presents.

There is plenty of documented information on how emotional affairs start. We don't need to cite the literature here. If you are curious and have some time, go for a read at Willard Harleys 'MarriageBuilders' site.

For me, the key is *mutually agreed upon boundaries*. fwiw.

[Am I crazy?]

Indi,

If you need boundaries to keep your partner from cheating then you do not have full trust in them or married the wrong person. By setting boundaries you are telling your partner that you do not have faith in their ability to remain faithful.

[michelle23]

I think I have said all I need to say on this topic. Call me insecure, say I have trust issues, I wrap my partner in chains, I smother, control and am possesive as f**k. Even say I tie him up in the basement and bring him food in a dog bowl for all I care. Im not bothered and I know its not true.

I love him, he loves me, were happy and we trust each other so say whatever you like AIC.

Just to clarify, Me and my partner have never set rules or boundaries. It is just something that we share the same view and opinion on. Thats all which makes us compatible.

[bcgirl]

I have male friends...I get along very well with my husbands friends and consider them good friends that I am comfortable around. I consider my male coworkers friends BUT I've never been able to be best friends or overly too close with a guy as friends. In fact I mesh more in terms of personality with males than females initially, but EVERY Time a close friendship with a male begins they end up wanting me romantically. Then friendship is over because its just too awkward for me. How can I be friends with someone I consider like a brother but they fantasize about having sex with me? Gross. And for girls who string these guys along just wants an ego booster. So it leaves me only being able to have close friendships with my husbands friends because there is a high level of respect between my husband and his friends and his friends won't cross that line..however, I know they find me physically attractive and wished they can find a girl as "hot" as me...would I ever find myself alone with one of them doing shots at 2am? Never. Not because I may cross a line, but even best male friends can back stab each other when they find a girl physically and peronality attractive + hormones, booze and vulnerability sets in = recipe for potential drama. I just wouldn't wanna go there. Now, if I was ugly then it could be possible to do shots at 2am with my guy friends because I already know they find me ugly. Lol.
In the end of all this, we are all just humans who can get caught up with moments of weakness due to emotions. We see tons of ppl never seeing an emotional affair come along until they are tangled in one. Stockholm syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages have positive feelings towards their capture....humans are just humans and although we can say now that we would never get caught up in an affair, that we would never pay an ounce of respect to our capture if we were held hostage etc. we can't say for certainty for nothing in life is certain but we can lessen are chances of things occurring and taking ourselves out of certain situations so that we can avoid certain potential outcomes.