Please help, any advice welcome

[yolanda55]

Neo, I did not come here to be talked to like that. Have you been in a serious relationship? Did it last a long time? All relationships have problems and you have a hard time figuring out what is normal and what isn't. I'm going through this right now and came here for advice, not to be talked to like I'm stupid.

[IndiReloaded]

For Neo -

You may be correct that she is in an abusive relationship. But you need to realize that many ppl actually don't *know* they are or don't recognize the warning signs, especially when its a more subtle sort like Yolanda is experiencing. She needs advice from those more saavy, not MORE abuse.

Imagine if you grew up in a household where this kind of thing did NOT go on. Its completely alien to you that ppl would treat each other w/out respect. So, when someone does it to you as an adult, its both shocking & a bit scary b/c you've never dealt with a person like this before. A lot of ppl like the OP simply can't wrap their brain around the fact that there ARE ppl like this out there.

In some ways, ppl who grew up in difficult households actually have an advantage in this regard (provided the environment wasn't extreme). They know shit when they see it & take immediate steps to do something about it.

It makes sense if you think about it. How do you know how to defend against something you've never experienced before?

You ask family, friends, and even ppl on an online forum for advice.

If you can't be nice, Neo, or if this type of issue bugs you b/c it resonates with something from your own past, don't take it out on others, okay?

[IndiReloaded]

Yolanda, I think Lesa gave very good advice. If you have decided your BF is fundamentally a good person but has insecurities that cause him to lash out then he can be retrained.

But he has to WANT this. Before you take this path, make sure he agrees that his behaviour *isn't* acceptable. He has to want to change b/c it will make him a better person. Even doing it so you are happy isn't good enough reason. Because when he gets more comfortable w/you, the facade will drop & you'll be taking his crap just as much as before.

If you want a tip for the actual training, here it is:

Get two jars & two sets of tokens of different colours (say, red & green). Keep them in a common area of the house, like the kitchen.

Then, set up the following agreement:

Everytime your BF does this behaviour, you tell him immediately & a red token is added to the 'naughty' jar. He must apologize immediately for the transgression, without explanation (i.e. no 'buts' about his behaviour).

When he gets to 3 tokens, however long it takes, he has to make some kind of amends to you. Something of YOUR choice (but from a list of agreed upon items in advance). Taking on a chore of yours, taking you out, etc.

For each *full day* he goes where he doesn't get a red token, a green token is placed in the 'good behaviour' jar. When he makes it to 3 green tokens, he is rewarded w/something *he* wants, just like above.

There are ways to tweak this system. You can start w/5 tokens (if his behaviour is really bad) for the first month, drop to 3 in the 2nd, 2 in the 3rd, etc.

Training guys is just like training a dog. That's not an insult, they will admit this themselves. They LIKE to know 'the rules'. Nothing freaks them more than knowing their woman is upset & they don't have a freaking clue how to fix it.

If you follow this program & you are both committed to it (he has to agree), I promise that in 3 months time he will do this far less.

Understand tho, that his behaviour will never completely go away. You can't change who he is. But you can help him to treat you the way you want to be treated.

BTW, this will work for any of you that want to change a partners poor behaviour & reinforce good behaviour.

OR

You can just dump him for someone who is a lot less work. The choice is yours.

Good luck, Yolanda.

[anachronistic]

Is this honestly about an intimate relationship? It sounds like you are potty training a 3 year old!

[IndiReloaded]

At the risk of over-generalizing, I would say that most longterm couples go thru this kind of 'retraining'. I did it, Miso has I recall, Giga is doing it now. Dunno about Vash, but I'd be willing to bet large sums of money that she did too.

Sometimes, tho, the amount of return for the effort isn't worth it. Just ask BlueSum or Giga. Only Yolanda knows this for sure. I'm just telling her how to be efficient if she decides to go this route.

You'll get your turn, LW. Don't be too impatient for the rolled up newspaper.

[Cain]

Retraining, eh?

Does my situation qualify? Getting this woman over her damn emotional issues?

[NeoSeminole]

yolanda55 says:

"Neo, I did not come here to be talked to like that. Have you been in a serious relationship? Did it last a long time? All relationships have problems and you have a hard time figuring out what is normal and what isn't. I'm going through this right now and came here for advice, not to be talked to like I'm stupid."

of course you didn't come here to listen to the truth. You would rather people tell you to "be strong" and "hang in there" with your abusive boyfriend. F*ck that. I don't feel that my response was out of line. If you don't like it, too bad. I would rather hurt your feelings and knock some sense into you in the process than stand idly by while you continue to devalue yourself. I leave you with this wisdom.

"The adventure is not in trying to fix a broken boat, but rather in sailing uncharted waters with a good boat."

[IndiReloaded]

Cain: I haven't really thought about applying it to a female (sorry), but I don't see why not.

But I'd have to think about how you could apply this particular method to your GF longterm insecurity issues. Its more effective for acute behaviour. For example, if her insecurity causes her to yell or snap at you (be bitchy), then I suppose it could work.

The thing I'd be worried about, Cain, is that men are a lot more 'solution oriented' than most women I know. Meaning that guys are prepared to suck up things, like retraining, so that they can achieve a better end outcome. Women are more likely to get caught up in the emotions of the moment & I worry that if you told her "Red token! Apologize!", you'd just end up w/her pouting for a week.

Or asking for another break.

[Cain]

Or asking for another break.

There won't be another break.

Relationships can be just fine without them and if she constantly needs them in the future, she'll have to find herself another man. I hope she makes the right decision now, though. I'm not trying to stroke my ego or anything, but I've been the best bf she's ever had... without a doubt. All of her friends like me and know I treat her well. He dad wants to not like me but he can't say anything because of how well I've treated her.

It's funny. She just removed her "In a Relationship with Cain" in here Facebook status today, about five days after we actually broke up... and already one of her friends said "update me on your status please..." It's a friend that knew all about my relationship with my gf and knew how happy she was. Maybe she can figure out what my girl's problem is.

[IndiReloaded]

There won't be another break.

Relationships can be just fine without them and if she constantly needs them in the future, she'll have to find herself another man. I hope she makes the right decision now, though. I'm not trying to stroke my ego or anything, but I've been the best bf she's ever had... without a doubt. All of her friends like me and know I treat her well. He dad wants to not like me but he can't say anything because of how well I've treated her.

No offense Cain, but you're not as unique as you think. There are lots of good guys out there. Whether you are 'the best' she's had so far or not is immaterial. She could find someone as good or better than you. Same for you. Its really about how compatible you two are. The fit. You need to each have traits that compliments the other & that you can each grow from.

I wonder how grad school will change her? 22 is still so very young. I bet she barely knows herself & what she wants from life.

[yolanda55]

Okay, not trying to bring up old threads or anything.. but do you guys know anything about Asperger's Syndrome? I think my boyfriend may have it, and he if he does, it's on the low end. I've read that 80% of their relationships fail and now I really don't know what to do. If he does have it, I feel like I'm abandoning him and I'm also wondering if I'm just trying to find an excuse for his behavior. If anyone knows anything about Asperger's, please let me know.

[frederika]

Yolanda... No one can help him but himself... If you think you can put up with him then stay... If not, leave... Don't expect him to change...