Tried it again.

After 7 months of being broken up with my girl we tried it again, and she broke my heart AGAIN!!! It REALLY hurts this time. (it's been 12 days)
Here's a little background.

This is a long distance relationship we've been together for 2.5 years. It really was love at first sight. We met through an artist forum on the net. She's funny, cute and we have the same occupation, lots in common!! She's ten years older than me and lives in the US I live in canada. We seen each other as much as we could. I had troubles with crossing the border and once my papers went through I was going to go down there and live with her. As soon as that happened I drove down there (4 day drive) to be with her. That lasted 4 months then broke up with me and I had to come back. I was planning on marrrying her!!

Her reason for breaking up with me the first time was the that she didn't love me enough to marry me. OUCH! Pretty much the whole time I thought things were okay. A couple of rough spots but generally allright. She had "implied" a few times before I got down there that she DID want to marry me. About 2 weeks into things she changed her mind! I started to get really bad vibes from her and she straight told me she didn't want to get married. I stuck it out down there because we were hosting an artist convention together. Things started getting really cold near the end.

We still kept in daily contact for those 7 months in between. I still consider her to be one of the best friends I've ever had. It was really hard to completely let her go and I put myself through quite abit talking to her during those months. I could still feel a connection and I was positive she did too!

She had this guy "friend" that hung around abit too much for my liking and I thought she would end up with him after awhile. After about 4 months I hit the dating scene (reluctantly). Every date I went on they would say it was obvious I wasn't over her, when past relatinships was brought up. I didnt care for these girls at all and could only think of her!

Well I found out that she did end up with this "friend", but felt VERY guilty about it and wasn't exactly too happy. Neither was I!!! She found out also that I was dating and did have a girlfriend at the time.
Welllll as soon as we both found out what we've been up to the sparks started to fly again!! Yayyyyyyyy I wanted her back soooooo bad and she did too!!!

So this moron she was with dumped HER! (he's a drunk) She just told him to not come over anymore drunk like that. Welll he's drunk all the time and blew up at her and broke it off. GOOD!!!
I approached her about coming down there to visit and help with the business for abit. She wanted to see me and wanted to marry me right off the plane this time! We were both confident we could make this work.

After some diggin around with immigration laws I found that it wasn't practical to do it this time. So we put it off, it was all set up too with a judge! Plan was for me to come back grab my truck, drive down there and get married!!! YESSSSS!!

We had rings picked out and everything, I was about to go buy it and she says wait till next time you come down. Oh Oh! Bad sign!!! I pretty much knew right then and there she was getting cold feet.

The night before I was to leave I found out in a really bad way that she didnt want me back. She was logged into a website and I accidently (really i did) click on something I shouldnt have. There it was a message to her friend.
"Well it's back to the same old same old, he leaves wednesday, what the f@#k was I thinking!!! I went into total SHOCK and was soooooooo upset I almost vommited!!

She was in bed sleeping already and asked her straight out if she wanted me to come back! She said she thought I needed to stay in canada and find someone deserving of my love. She didnt want to marry me!!!
(again) We both bawled like babies for about 8 hours before she had to take me to the airport. It was bad!!!! I know she does still care about me very deeply and she felt terrible to hurt me again. I dont doubt it. I didn't say anything about finding that little note to her friend.

Those 10 hours or so were the worst I have ever felt. I felt she lied to me and never openly communicated anything to me about what she felt.
I cried on the way home alot!! She was my first true love and wanted to spend my entire life with her!!

Now I'm home and I am very very depressed and hurt again. I had some contact with her before she left for a trip. Haven't talked on the phone with her but did get a couple e-mails telling me she had made it allright. She's at an artist convention that had been planned for months and it was her first without me.

Now the hardest part is if I should stay friends or not. Everyone says I am freakin' nuts to even acknowlegde her!! She told me it would be nice if we could but would leave that up to me if I wanted to. Am I CRAZY??????? We both frequent the same boards because of our occupation and it is part of my business as well. I'll always see her on there.
I'd take her back in a heartbeat!!! WHY???? Am I a glutton for punishment??? Feels like I am going crazy sometimes over this girl, even though she broke my heart twice!! I still deeply deeply love this woman!!!
I don't want to lose her completely!!!

Well it sounds like this is gonna be a pattern if you want to be with her.... And thats not something your gonna want to be constantly going thru... So I say let her go....and move on... She obviously is opposed to marriage.. She tried to compromise and do it anyways, but just couldn't. I must say at least now(thankfully) she is being honest.....that she doesn't want what you want...

I know for awhile its gonna hurt....and your gonna compare everyone to her... But in time you will meet someone who wants what you want......

Thanks Ellynn. She just called me from an airport where she was connecting, to let me know that she's back in the country. After we talked I bawled my eyes out for 15 minutes!!
This is the toughest thing I have ever had to do, but I have to let her go!! I know I do but it's going to be soooooooooooo hard to do it. I've been friends and a collegue with her for so long.
I've never had to feel these feelings before and it has been absolutely terrible!!!
I dont eat, I dont sleep, I constantly think about her I try to force myself to do things. I am a complete MESS!! Without a doubt the hardest thing I've had to go through in my life. I know it will take time but right now it feels like I'll never get over her! I feel like an emotional wimp right now and not so good about myself.
It REALLY hurts BAD!!
Thank you for listening.

Signdude, you can be friends with her, but not if you're holding out hope for more. Do you like feeling this way? Of course not.

The problem here is that you want someone who doesn't want you. The last half- the she doesn't want you part, you can't do anything about.

You need to work on what you want. I think you understand that this girl is never going to marry you. Never. I think you should look at the reality of the situation and ask yourself if you want to be her friend. Ask herself if you can be her friend.

We've done it before after the first break-up. It really was awkward at first but we did stay friends. Until we both found out with we were both with someone else. THEN we started to toy with the idea of getting back together.
Now looking back on that I figger that we both just had a natural type reaction to picturing ourselves with someone else and couldn't cope with it. Soooooooooooo we tried it again. I did change and learned from my mistakes the first go round but there's still sumthin missing. She's not used to NOT being alone and it bothered her having me around so much.
I have laughed the hardest in my life with her, shared ALOT of very good times, sad times, incredible love making, and memories I will take with me forever.
Will we do it again? NO!!! I cannot let myself think that.
Can I cope NOT talking to her at all?? NOPE!! She's been so involved in my daily life not talking to her hurts me much more than breaking up.
We've always been extremely good friends. I know she still loves me and cares for me veryyyyyyy deeply. She told me so and to lose a friend too right now would be just toooooo devasting for me to fathom.

Thanks a bunch for listening!

Update and some ramblings.
I'm still hurting veryyy much! We have been in daily contact since she's been back from her trip. I cant get her out of my mind and I find myself waiting for e-mails and IM's from her. She does e-mail me but would'nt ever call me.

Yesterday i decided to not reply or even speak to her. She did IM me later on in the day and I freaked out and called her! Sheeesh it's like an addiction!! The phone call didnt exactly go that well either. She was kinda unresponsive to me.

Last night I went out and got soooo plastered!! I had to let off some steam but I feel really bad today physically and emotionally.
She e-mailed this morning saying she was going to be gone with the kids today.
For some reason I think she's lying to me about it because she doesn't go places like the lake with the kids. (they're older)
I'm thinking she's back together with her "friend" again. She always took off with him on weekends.

During our break up talk I asked her if she wanted him back and if she'd end up with him again. She said "I dont think so, I dont like his drinking" To me she was saying yes. She was miserable with him before! He's a MAJOR alcoholic but he has money. The kids dont even like this guy but loved me alot!

I am VERY afraid to confront her about it and ask if she's back with him. I'm scared that she will be. It'll tear me apart knowing that! Should I even ask her?? It's probably none of my business anymore but it's driving me crazy today!!!

So I'm sitting here all hungover waiting for some e-mail that's probably not going to come. If she spent the night there then I think it'll be confirmed that she's back with that idiot!
I'm so confused and hurt by everything lately.

I just dont know what to do with her right now and I know I'm inflicting alot of this pain on myself.
I value the friendship very much but on the other hand friends dont lie to each other. I guess you could say I dont want to lose her but I'm putting myself through hell with this!
Letting her go sounds like the only option for me right now but even that hurts to much to think about.
Ughhhhhhhh!
Thanks again for listening to some brokenhearted fool.

i understand man. The one i love was already taken by someone else (whom i knew) that she ended up marrying. while saying the whole time she wished it had been me.. didnt want to marry him but felt pressured by everyone and trapped because of the steps that had already been taken towards it. Imagine loving someone so much.. and having felt the love back from that person, then watching them marry someone else while saying she wished it was you. Know its def over now but cant help holding on to the hope that she will come back to me. it sucks.. a lot.

God. I have sooo much sympathy for you. I think most of the other people that have posted are right and you have some options, but ultimately you end up with the same outcome.

1. You keep in contact with her. You two become friends. Even if you do SOMEHOW get back together again you are never going to get married. I don't think that third time is the charm applies in this case. Then you get back on your feet and continue your life

2. You keep in contact with her. She thinks you are obsessed and she ends up with some asshole that doesn't deserve her. Enventually you heal. You continue you life.

3. You never/barely talk to her again. Your heart heals quicker. You get back on your feet.



Options one and two may hurt the least, but option three will be the quickest. It may take many years to get over her, but eventually you will. Unfortuantly all of the outcomes look grim, but eventually you will get back on your feet.

Hang in there buddy.

Thanks sooooo much for your thoughts.
There's been a change now. I tried the no contact thing and igonred her one e-mail and an IM. Welllllllll I get an e-mail from her yesterday.
"I get the feeling that you're giving me the cold shoulder. I think it's time for you to think that I never existed. I'm not into this."

OUCH! Hurts to hear that from her!

I replied back to her saying how much she has hurt me and that I cant talk to her for fear of finding out something.

She then replies that she wants me to move on and she is sick of hurting me and the whole situation.

I am back beyond square1 (-2) and I am very very depressed and hurt! I have now lost her completely and there are other things that I must walk away from! I cant go to those same websites as here anymore that have been a part of my daily life for 7 years.
I'm a MESS!!
I made a doctors appointment today to maybe start on some medication.

Thanks everyone!

Too long, I can't be bothered to read all that

Why did you bother saying anything! Did I specifically ask you to read it??
I dont need to know your stoopid ,mindless opinion on my thread and problem.