After 7 months of being broken up with my girl we tried it again, and she broke my heart AGAIN!!! It REALLY hurts this time. (it's been 12 days)
Here's a little background.
This is a long distance relationship we've been together for 2.5 years. It really was love at first sight. We met through an artist forum on the net. She's funny, cute and we have the same occupation, lots in common!! She's ten years older than me and lives in the US I live in canada. We seen each other as much as we could. I had troubles with crossing the border and once my papers went through I was going to go down there and live with her. As soon as that happened I drove down there (4 day drive) to be with her. That lasted 4 months then broke up with me and I had to come back. I was planning on marrrying her!!
Her reason for breaking up with me the first time was the that she didn't love me enough to marry me. OUCH! Pretty much the whole time I thought things were okay. A couple of rough spots but generally allright. She had "implied" a few times before I got down there that she DID want to marry me. About 2 weeks into things she changed her mind! I started to get really bad vibes from her and she straight told me she didn't want to get married. I stuck it out down there because we were hosting an artist convention together. Things started getting really cold near the end.
We still kept in daily contact for those 7 months in between. I still consider her to be one of the best friends I've ever had. It was really hard to completely let her go and I put myself through quite abit talking to her during those months. I could still feel a connection and I was positive she did too!
She had this guy "friend" that hung around abit too much for my liking and I thought she would end up with him after awhile. After about 4 months I hit the dating scene (reluctantly). Every date I went on they would say it was obvious I wasn't over her, when past relatinships was brought up. I didnt care for these girls at all and could only think of her!
Well I found out that she did end up with this "friend", but felt VERY guilty about it and wasn't exactly too happy. Neither was I!!! She found out also that I was dating and did have a girlfriend at the time.
Welllll as soon as we both found out what we've been up to the sparks started to fly again!! Yayyyyyyyy I wanted her back soooooo bad and she did too!!!
So this moron she was with dumped HER! (he's a drunk) She just told him to not come over anymore drunk like that. Welll he's drunk all the time and blew up at her and broke it off. GOOD!!!
I approached her about coming down there to visit and help with the business for abit. She wanted to see me and wanted to marry me right off the plane this time! We were both confident we could make this work.
After some diggin around with immigration laws I found that it wasn't practical to do it this time. So we put it off, it was all set up too with a judge! Plan was for me to come back grab my truck, drive down there and get married!!! YESSSSS!!
We had rings picked out and everything, I was about to go buy it and she says wait till next time you come down. Oh Oh! Bad sign!!! I pretty much knew right then and there she was getting cold feet.
The night before I was to leave I found out in a really bad way that she didnt want me back. She was logged into a website and I accidently (really i did) click on something I shouldnt have. There it was a message to her friend.
"Well it's back to the same old same old, he leaves wednesday, what the f@#k was I thinking!!! I went into total SHOCK and was soooooooo upset I almost vommited!!
She was in bed sleeping already and asked her straight out if she wanted me to come back! She said she thought I needed to stay in canada and find someone deserving of my love. She didnt want to marry me!!!
(again) We both bawled like babies for about 8 hours before she had to take me to the airport. It was bad!!!! I know she does still care about me very deeply and she felt terrible to hurt me again. I dont doubt it. I didn't say anything about finding that little note to her friend.
Those 10 hours or so were the worst I have ever felt. I felt she lied to me and never openly communicated anything to me about what she felt.
I cried on the way home alot!! She was my first true love and wanted to spend my entire life with her!!
Now I'm home and I am very very depressed and hurt again. I had some contact with her before she left for a trip. Haven't talked on the phone with her but did get a couple e-mails telling me she had made it allright. She's at an artist convention that had been planned for months and it was her first without me.
Now the hardest part is if I should stay friends or not. Everyone says I am freakin' nuts to even acknowlegde her!! She told me it would be nice if we could but would leave that up to me if I wanted to. Am I CRAZY??????? We both frequent the same boards because of our occupation and it is part of my business as well. I'll always see her on there.
I'd take her back in a heartbeat!!! WHY???? Am I a glutton for punishment??? Feels like I am going crazy sometimes over this girl, even though she broke my heart twice!! I still deeply deeply love this woman!!!
I don't want to lose her completely!!!