Falling in love overseas

All right, so I'm an American student living in Lhasa, Tibet. I am studying Tibetan here, but to make a little extra money on the side, I also tutor English. During our winter vacation, which runs from the end of December to the beginning of March, I tutored a really great Tibetan for a little less than two months. I know two months isn't a long time, but we spent at least four hours a day together for five days of the week, and more than once, we, and a couple other friends went out of town to visit monasteries and other historical places on the weekends.

It took a couple of weeks, but I started falling for him. Despite the communication barrier, we managed well, in a mix of Chinese, English and the dialect of Lhasa (he speaks a different Tibetan dialect).

Here's the thing, the signals between men and women here are different. Hand holding many times just means friendship, as do kisses on the cheek. However, I felt there was some mutual attraction. I don't usually trust me feelings, but later find out they were correct.

It is not uncommon here for a guy to lie, say he doesn't have a girlfriend, or isn't married, so that he can date another girl, not unlike the West. So, that is what this guy did. He kept saying he didn't have a girlfriend and wasn't married. In my desire to get the point across that I liked him, and knowing that the old adage, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" still works here, I learned how to make one of his favorite foods, a traditional soup made of yak meat and homemade noodles. The day I made it the first time, he ate, then told me he had a girlfriend, a Chinese woman, but that they weren't very compatible. He volunteered this information after claiming for over a month he didn't have a girlfriend.

When he left to return home, (he doesn't live in Lhasa, but rather in a Tibetan village three days away by bus,) he said he would call. This he did, and when we spoke, he asked me if I was making thukpa (the traditional soup) because my thukpa is delicious. Then, he informed me his girlfriend hadn't called him, and then he asked me if I missed him, which I answered in the affirmative. He told me he would call me from his home. I found out later, he had called another of our friends first and found out how to say, "do you miss me?" in English.

Well, he didn't call me. I called him on Tibetan New Year, which was the middle of February, and have heard nothing since then.

I can't get him out of my head. I don't think about him obsessively, but he is in the back of my mind. I can't shake the feeling there was mutual attraction, but I don't understand the men here. The game is a little different and I have been told by others that sometimes, it takes a long time for a Tibetan guy to say anything about his feelings. It's frustrating, and a little draining emotionally. I think maybe I should try to forget about him, but I don't have the first idea how to do that. I can't keep calling him, and he won't be back here until July.

Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

M

You're still in a Western frame of mind. I'm not saying that attraction can't transcend those types of boundaries, but it seems things are done a lot differently there than here. When you say that the lying about having a girlfriend is "not unlike the West", that's true - but, remember that it's considered an affront here. Anyone who feels they can lie to you isn't someone you'd want to get involved with emotionally.

If men routinely lie and say they don't have wives/girlfriends, then what would stop him from treating you this way if you were ever to be together exclusively? Good luck if you can handle the possibility of that simply because "that's how Tibetan men are" - I certainly couldn't.

Were I in your shoes, I'd move on. If, in this culture, males lying is a commonplace occurrence that isn't frowned upon for the deceit that it is, then I wouldn't really bother with the "common" Tibetan man. That's just me.

Try to detach from this man. He sounds emotionally irresponsible and I think you will only get more of the same from him. There are decent, loving men all over the world. Call him a lesson learned and move forward.

Well, I know part of what he does is cultural. Also, I think he might have age issues. It's no big deal to me, but people here try to date and marry around their own age, usually within a year or so. He's 31 and I'm 23. Like I said, that doesn't bother me. It is unusual for a man his age to be unmarried, and I gave that a lot of thought until I learned he had been a monk for many years.

Because of that, I do think he could have a tendency towards emotional immaturity, but I guess we didn't spend enough time talking about emotions for me to really know.

As for the lying, it is considered more polite here sometimes than telling the direct truth. For example, both men and women will lie about why they are canceling plans with a person. It is a form of politeness. To make up for it, culturally speaking, Tibetans will be downright honest about other things. If they haven't seen you for a while and maybe you put on five pounds or so, they will tell you you have gotten fat. So, the lying is a little difficult to read. It isn't all black and white.

Telling a fib about why you're canceling plans is one thing. Telling a lie about your having a girlfriend or not so that you may flirt with someone else is entirely another.

Again, it's your life. I just wouldn't feel *too* ethnocentric about not liking someone to lie to me about their romantic involvement. Fibs about trivial things aren't the same as lies about stuff that's important to know. I don't care what culture you're from - if you lie to me and say you're single when you've got a girlfriend (or worse yet, a wife) at home, I'm going to get pissed and I've every right to. That's an incredibly immature thing to do.