Lover's smoking habit- why does it bother me?
I'm 21 and in college. My boyfriend whom I met here is 22. We have a very affectionate, loving, & great relationship.
We first met when I was a freshman, and he was a junior. The first two years he had been at school, he had basically done nothing but partied. No serious girlfriends or anything like that, he just drank a lot and did MAD drugs. Acid, herion (never injected though), and more than I really want to list. He was a total junkie, not sleeping or eating for days, just waking up, snorting some heroin, and sitting in front of his computer all day. Never went to class.
Well I'm a total straight edge. I'm not one to pass judgement, I just never had any desire to get involved in the drug scene. Luckily for our relationship, my boyfriend had matured to a point in his life where he was sick of the drug/party scene, and was ready to give it up for something new. When his best friend died from an OD on herion, he left everything for good.
All except smoking cigarettes and the occasional beer. Now I guess I should be happy that he left all the drugs behind, but for some reason the cigarette smoking bothers me. Alcohol doesn't really though. He's struggled with quitting smoking since we've been dating (over a year and a half). He promised me time and time again he would quit for me, but I think now that he really just has to want to quit for himself. Plus I'm not trying to be a control freak here! I try not to harp on him for breaking his promises. Though sometimes I used to get very angry with him, and not talk to him when he smoked. But now I try to just shrug it off. He can tell that it bothers me, and he usually apologizes. But why should he? It's his life and his decision, I hate when he says I'm a control freak.
Now what I'm really trying to understand here is why exactly does it bother me when he smokes? He doesn't do it often. And when he does, he always is sure to brush his teeth before he approaches me. I've only actually seen him smoke once, it's never around me. The fact that it is bad for his health is one smaller issue. There is something more that I can't really describe. It's like, whenever I smell a hint of smoke on his jacket, or he outright confesses he had one, I feel like someone just stabbed me in my stomach. I feel betrayed. I feel like he is holding on to part of his past that I can't know or understand. I feel like he is indulging in something I will never take part in. It really makes me sick and upset, but I can't quite understand why. Why does a cigarette make me feel betrayed? Everytime he tells me he had one, I feel like he's having an affair, the cigarette being the other woman, and I feel so misplaced and so hurt when he tells me he went to see her (err have a cigarette).
Does anyone have any commentary? Has anyone ever felt this way? How can I come to better accept this? Is it wrong to outright ask him to stop?
