My heart still hurts 2.5 months later
The month is coming to a close. Late May we had the talk about going our separate ways after she told me that she would no longer continue with the fertility progam, and how we had grown apart (her excuse was due to my sickness, lack of emotional, financial support, and not making her feel appreciated...) I have written about it in other posts.
I moved out, and doing the things I need to do to get stronger, better, and move on with my life. But I still miss her dearly, I am not sure why I have taken it so hard with this woman. Sure it is because I love her, but I know that it is also because I am attached to her in a big way...and hate to loose all we've built together...made a home, memories, etc.
Anyways, I feel that even if I get myself together, regain my emotional stability, continue to work on myself...that I may have lost her for good. This makes me sad, and It also reminds me that I am still vulnerable, and that I haven't let go of hope, and it is tormenting me...
Maybe it is normal to feel what I am feeling, and maybe I need to just take it like a man, and stay strong, and hopeful that things will turn out for the better.
I even have prepared a good bye letter to give to her when the time comes. This came after a long night of thinking and dreaming about my relationship with her, how she is now a free woman and will go about meeting other people, living the life that she used to live before I met her, and how now that I am changing, and in a different place than when I first met her, we will have different priorities. (She even made it a point to ask me if I had a 5 year plan.) I wanted her to be the mother of my children, my wife, her past being that, her past. What I feel now is that this time, I may want the same from a woman, plus more, someone who is kind, empathetic, loving, etc. etc. someone I can have a family with, I really want kids in my life... So I wanted to document my thoughts while they were fresh in my mind, and have prepared this letter in case I feel like giving it to her when the time comes that I move away from the area.
I think she feels that being unhappy for as long as she was, that it was a cross to bare which was to help me during my illness, to be there for me when I needed someone in my life the most. And she told me that now that I am healthy, her work is done. And that God put her in my life for this reason.
It is sad to think that she did it out of responsibility and not out of love. Why would she come back to an unhappy relationship? She is so discouraged that she is blinded for any hope of things turning around, which I know they are turning around for me and will. And she is quite preocupied with her new job, which she took right after we physically separated. So I know things haven't really sunk in for her...and she probably has been too busy to miss me (if she can even miss me.)
Not that many people can understand a person who was diagnosed with cancer, and what is going thru their mind, and the strong emotions one experiencies during the diagonosis, treatment, even during remission. I feel so hurt that that is the case with her. She thought I was being weak, but in reality I needed more time to heal emotionally. Physically and healtwise, I am 100%, thank God, but I am still healing from my emotional wounds.
Then there is the issue of her not feeling the love from me, and it hurts me even more knowing that she did not value the times we've spent together as much as I did. And the other crap that happened and was said during arguments, words that were said.
And so I have little hope today that we will ever get back together, and I need to find a way to be ok with it, as much as I'd hate to loose her for good. and open myself up to seeing other people when the time comes.
Sorry for babbling...I wanted to get this off my chest...
Yesterday I closed this chapter for good
Well,
If some of you have read my first post, about moving on, or reconciling in the future....Yesterday I finally made closure and lost all hope for reconciling with my ex. I am sad, angry, and optimistic at the same time.
I was still clinging on too much and while I did not necessarily showed it to her, I was too hopeful in my mind.
Well yesterday I agreed to meet with her after work to pick up something I loaned her...She called and had told me that she wanted to give me some mail (turned out to be junk mail...) and a laptop which she had been using...
So I go over and meet with her and we sit down to chat a bit. I should have just gone in with a cool head, but I had just gotten off the phone with a close personal friend of BOTH of us, and I was discussing how emotionally draining this situation was, as I had already told her not to contact me and request to meet up unless there was a legitimate want in her part to do so, and to give me one item of mine when she has a few pieces of furniture and other items in her house was not legitimate, as I could set up a time to pick everything that belongs to me at one time. Her lame excuse was that she did not want to keep the laptop in the trunk of her car and or keep it in the garage gathering dust....(she lives in a 4 bedroom hourse for Chris sakes, not like she does not have any space to put it.) I didn't argue, and I tell her I respect her decision.
At this point I let her know that It would be a good idea for me to pick up all of my belongings once and for all, which she agreed, but only after it was convenient for her to get everything together and move it into the garage...I offered to move everything out and break everything down myself, but at this point She confirms with me that she is not comfortable with me being in the house...her reason being was that there are emotions that we are dealing with due to the break up, and would make it uncomfortable. I told her I was fine, I could deal with it, and her response was that maybe the feelings were on her part....I knew then that it was just an excuse as she has not demostrated any feelings about us at all during the past few months. Fine I think, as long as she does not wait weeks to get this done for me.
So with this situation, I am already kind of peeved that she is doing this to me, and that if she did want to see me she could just had said so...and I would have taken such a different attitude about it.
Then I asked her to clarify on a comment she made on not feeling loved, (I told her I was going to discuss this with my therapist) when I recalled a fun time we had not too long ago...Her response was again typical of her, she gets irritated about having to reflect on this event, and says that it is hard for her to think about us in the past as she was in such a different place now. The she says that it was because she no longer loved me at that time, and thus our time together was just companionship, like the companionship once gets from a friend, any friend.
I did my best to control my emotions at this point, and then a short time after our conversation I then told her how I had stopped asking God to open up her mind, to destroy her emotional walls and make her realize that she still has love for me...I proceed to tell her that I had lost hope that we would ever get back together or reconcile at a future time. Not to my surprise she agreed that it was a good idea, that it would be hard for her to see the new me in the future because it would be really difficult to change her opinion of who I was when I was with her. That comment reminded me again that this relationship was dead, and I needed to put this to rest. It also made me realize that she has little respect for me (whatever she thinks I am NOW must not be pretty good, and has lost hope for the OLD me that she once knew..)
There was one last thorn that I had to convey and that related to her new single lifestyle and the path she is taking as a new single woman. I asked her what kind of message she was sending out to friends with her main tagged pic being one of her in a bathing suit top holding a beer in her hand and cheering to the camera. She of course gets very defensive and says that it was a dum decision on her part to agree with a friend of hers to create a profile...and post that pic...I had to tell her that I was VERY dissapointed that my once recent love of my life who was working on being the mother of my children would do that. She gets more upset and says that she has since closed the profile...blah blah blah...By now she is ticked off, and I am feeling better that I got this off my chest.
I end things with a reminder for her to get my stuff ready sooner than later, that I now want to have no contact with her and I will not have any hope of reconciling, that she will go on and have her adventures and flings, and hope that this brings her happiness, but I will not be there for her if she ever reconsiders her position.
CLOSURE. With all these that was said, instead of leaving with a hug like we did last time, she stormed off on her way, and me casually on my way sad, and reliefed that I had gotten this off my chest. I am not sure how smart this was on my part, but I am relief that I got this out and semented my closure and closed this sad relationship chapter on my life.
Let the healing continue.
Still being affected by her
Well,
After my last encounter I mailed the ex with a list of "My stuff" that I wanted to pickup: furniture, personal items etc."
She emails saying she got the list, that she would get working on it and will be in touch.
I replied back with a quick "I'd like to pick up in 2 weeks" that was it.
Next day she emails back with a not so friendly reply saying she WILL NOT Give me all items as she says I CAN BUY THEM ONCE I GET MY NEW PLACE. And if I don't think it is fair to just deduct the value from the bills I am paying for her, or to SIMPLY not bother paying any of it back, that she would no longer ask me for anything and she expects the same from me: not ask her for anything...LOL! She can have my stuff for all I care. I am more intrigued by her change in behavior from previous emails and leads me to believe that:
1. She found out that I went to the Game with former females from the place we had worked at (she still has close friends working there.) and now realizes that I am moving on and possibly looking at dating....
2. She went thru my photobucket web album and did not find 1 single pic of hers in there.
3. I wrote her off my social contacts (Linkedin etc.)
She is probably also ticked that I am working so hard at getting my life back in track now that I AM no longer with her....
One thing I am getting from this is time to reflect and analyze her true colors....I will post up a new thread about my reflection on why we did not work, and could never make it work...
Still, the communication and drama will not be over for a short while longer....until I separate completely from her....
