dominant female seeking advice
hello everyone, first post here. hope this is the right forum.
so, my relationship is not conventional in many ways. but the level of compatibility is almost insane (even share quirky things in common, like a very passionate conviction that onions smell like B.O.). i went from studying poetry to studying mental health, he went from studying mental health to studying poetry. we have similar senses of humor, and there's been times where we both say what the other is thinking, say the same thing at the same time, or even one of us will do what the other just started to ask them to do. there's been a really strong connection and sense of "rightness" since the first time we made eye contact - in that way, it's almost like a movie.
there are a lot of pros in the relationship. we've only been together a bit over a month but we've also both said it feels like we already know each other. we don't spend so much time together as to be unhealthy.
but here's the thing. i don't like to talk in terms of dominance and submission (speaking of personality, NOT bdsm). but i'm more dominant than submissive - at least, when it comes to things outside the bedroom. NOTE: dominant is not the same as controlling. if you have to be controlling then you're not really dominant. someone who is secure in their personal power influences others without being controlling.)
my boyfriend and i are both psychologically androgynous, which means we express both masculinity and femininity more than most people. we're both more hetero than not, but i can be a very masculine woman and he can be a pretty feminine man. like i said, we're both attracted to each other though (very). i find women beautiful and they can be fun to mess around with, but i would not see myself in a relationship with a woman.
i could get into the spiritual reasons why i'm the mostly straight woman who expresses more masculinity and he's the polar opposite, but i don't want to make this post so long you don't finish it. the point is, i'm used to being more dominant outside the bedroom and submissive in bed. my boyfriend prefers to take the passive role in bed. so we get into very, very subdued power struggles over who will be on top and in charge - but, probably unlike most couples, neither of us wants to be on top and in charge.
i have been taking the more dominant role in bed more often, even though in the past i never really did this much. i'm very flexible so i didn't have to :p my problem with this is that it's not my natural preference, and i want my boyfriend to enjoy the dominant role more - even though i know that's not realistic. i just find myself taking it a bit personally when he seems to take the dominant role without any enthusiasm.
so, the obvious suggestion is to talk to him about this, which i plan on doing. but in the meantime, i was wondering if i could get some advice on becoming more comfortable with being dominant in bed as well as outside the bedroom. could also do with advice on not letting his preference to sit back and be taken affect me like it's personal.
i think this actually is getting to me for other reasons... at one point he mentioned his ex was selfish, but i am finding myself being the more generous one in this relationship. i have a feeling trying to talk about it will make him get very defensive, and i also feel like it hasn't really been a relationship long enough for me to have the 'right' to engage him in 'a talk.' in the meantime though, i find myself bothering myself about this sense that i am usually the one who goes with what i'm not as interested in doing. i don't want that to become a major pattern - and i definitely see the relationship working for the long haul, because the good things definitely outweigh the bad.
but i am also getting like a stereotypical woman about this idea... i want him to WANT to be generous and i want him to WANT to compromise to make me happy. i accept him as he is, but this would be nice too.
here is an example of what i mean: he wanted to go and play pool for Valentine's Day, which i didn't like as an option. i told him i would enjoy seeing that new movie called Valentine's Day instead. he said he would agree to seeing it if i paid for his ticket. now, i did laugh, i had a sense of humor about this. even said i love how 21-st century we are. and that's true. but it's a good example of what i mean about the generosity.
sorry this is so long and messy... i don't really need to hear any comments that maybe he isn't right for me because there's no doubt in my mind that he is right for me. but even a relationship with your soul mate will involve some practical level things to sort out. if we'd been together longer i would feel like i had a right to discuss these things now instead of coming to a forum for advice, but in the meantime i figured some of the wise folks here may have something to offer.
thanks for reading and for any thoughts/impressions you have - oh, and to anyone who expected this to be about the sex game dominance, sorry to disappoint ya. try google :p