dominant female seeking advice

[rei]

hello everyone, first post here. hope this is the right forum.

so, my relationship is not conventional in many ways. but the level of compatibility is almost insane (even share quirky things in common, like a very passionate conviction that onions smell like B.O.). i went from studying poetry to studying mental health, he went from studying mental health to studying poetry. we have similar senses of humor, and there's been times where we both say what the other is thinking, say the same thing at the same time, or even one of us will do what the other just started to ask them to do. there's been a really strong connection and sense of "rightness" since the first time we made eye contact - in that way, it's almost like a movie.

there are a lot of pros in the relationship. we've only been together a bit over a month but we've also both said it feels like we already know each other. we don't spend so much time together as to be unhealthy.

but here's the thing. i don't like to talk in terms of dominance and submission (speaking of personality, NOT bdsm). but i'm more dominant than submissive - at least, when it comes to things outside the bedroom. NOTE: dominant is not the same as controlling. if you have to be controlling then you're not really dominant. someone who is secure in their personal power influences others without being controlling.)

my boyfriend and i are both psychologically androgynous, which means we express both masculinity and femininity more than most people. we're both more hetero than not, but i can be a very masculine woman and he can be a pretty feminine man. like i said, we're both attracted to each other though (very). i find women beautiful and they can be fun to mess around with, but i would not see myself in a relationship with a woman.

i could get into the spiritual reasons why i'm the mostly straight woman who expresses more masculinity and he's the polar opposite, but i don't want to make this post so long you don't finish it. the point is, i'm used to being more dominant outside the bedroom and submissive in bed. my boyfriend prefers to take the passive role in bed. so we get into very, very subdued power struggles over who will be on top and in charge - but, probably unlike most couples, neither of us wants to be on top and in charge.

i have been taking the more dominant role in bed more often, even though in the past i never really did this much. i'm very flexible so i didn't have to :p my problem with this is that it's not my natural preference, and i want my boyfriend to enjoy the dominant role more - even though i know that's not realistic. i just find myself taking it a bit personally when he seems to take the dominant role without any enthusiasm.

so, the obvious suggestion is to talk to him about this, which i plan on doing. but in the meantime, i was wondering if i could get some advice on becoming more comfortable with being dominant in bed as well as outside the bedroom. could also do with advice on not letting his preference to sit back and be taken affect me like it's personal.

i think this actually is getting to me for other reasons... at one point he mentioned his ex was selfish, but i am finding myself being the more generous one in this relationship. i have a feeling trying to talk about it will make him get very defensive, and i also feel like it hasn't really been a relationship long enough for me to have the 'right' to engage him in 'a talk.' in the meantime though, i find myself bothering myself about this sense that i am usually the one who goes with what i'm not as interested in doing. i don't want that to become a major pattern - and i definitely see the relationship working for the long haul, because the good things definitely outweigh the bad.

but i am also getting like a stereotypical woman about this idea... i want him to WANT to be generous and i want him to WANT to compromise to make me happy. i accept him as he is, but this would be nice too.

here is an example of what i mean: he wanted to go and play pool for Valentine's Day, which i didn't like as an option. i told him i would enjoy seeing that new movie called Valentine's Day instead. he said he would agree to seeing it if i paid for his ticket. now, i did laugh, i had a sense of humor about this. even said i love how 21-st century we are. and that's true. but it's a good example of what i mean about the generosity.

sorry this is so long and messy... i don't really need to hear any comments that maybe he isn't right for me because there's no doubt in my mind that he is right for me. but even a relationship with your soul mate will involve some practical level things to sort out. if we'd been together longer i would feel like i had a right to discuss these things now instead of coming to a forum for advice, but in the meantime i figured some of the wise folks here may have something to offer.

thanks for reading and for any thoughts/impressions you have - oh, and to anyone who expected this to be about the sex game dominance, sorry to disappoint ya. try google :p

[SirWagginston]

Dominant women can be a huge turn-on, but I can understand if you don't always feel inclined to be that way in bed. Maybe if you got better at it, and showed that you were really putting some feeling into it, he would feel obligated to step it up and do the same, for you.

Also, then you'd be super sexy, and I'd be jealous.

[rei]

Dominant women can be a huge turn-on, but I can understand if you don't always feel inclined to be that way in bed. Maybe if you got better at it, and showed that you were really putting some feeling into it, he would feel obligated to step it up and do the same, for you.

Also, then you'd be super sexy, and I'd be jealous.

thanks very much for the response
the thing is, i'm a quick study. i've already greatly improved in this area... i even said before, i felt like i wasn't performing well and i'm a bit of a perfectionist. but he thought i was doing a great job. and regardless of whether he meant that, my skills have gotten better anyway.

so far, it seems like he only steps it up when i back down or step away so he feels like he has to pursue me. that feels rather manipulative though, so i would enjoy options that aren't so manipulative. he's also a little on the aloof side, so i think if i came to him wanting to talk about all of this he would just shut down on me. then again, he's very good at responding to emotional needs, so maybe if i explain it as an emotional need it would help. trying to be patient, i know i'm doing a good job in bed, but it doesn't feel very equal right now - and even though he knows i don't like dominating in bed either, he can tell i'm making an effort. and he can tell i enjoy it when we go there.

thanks again!

[Doc Durian]

Dominant women are men trapped in a womens bodies. I reckon your bf needs to man up x 2 or get bored, resleeved, and taught to tinkle sitting down.

There's only room for one alpha male and alpha female in a relationship which is lasting.

[rei]

Dominant women are men trapped in a womens bodies. I reckon your bf needs to man up x 2 or get bored, resleeved, and taught to tinkle sitting down.

There's only room for one alpha male and alpha female in a relationship which is lasting.

this reflects convention. it also confuses dominance and submission with gender (roles) AND confuses it with sexuality as well.
and, i'm not sure there's any logic in the notion of an alpha male AND alpha female in a relationship. usually one person is alpha and the other is beta. though of course, that can change or it can be different depending on the circumstances (for example, the person who takes on the alpha role is the one who is more competent for that particular situation).

your response seems mostly based on stereotype. and telling me my boyfriend needs to man up isn't very practical advice, he's not posting here.

[starbuck]

Perhaps because you're dominant in life, he mistakenly assumes that you're dominant in the bedroom, too? I think you really need to make your needs known to him. I don't think you have to be subtle about it or lead by example. Just openly communicate how you like to be handled in bed.

He shouldn't "shut down" when you try to talk to him about these sorts of things. That would be a red flag that he isn't willing to communicate with you with respect, and could become a problem down the line.

[rei]

Perhaps because you're dominant in life, he mistakenly assumes that you're dominant in the bedroom, too? I think you really need to make your needs known to him. I don't think you have to be subtle about it or lead by example. Just openly communicate how you like to be handled in bed.

He shouldn't "shut down" when you try to talk to him about these sorts of things. That would be a red flag that he isn't willing to communicate with you with respect, and could become a problem down the line.

thank you for posting. we've actually talked about bedroom behavior before - he knows i don't like to be on top, and i know he doesn't either. he has explained it as being because it is more work to be on top. which is true, but i've also tried to encourage him several times to go slowly, because it feels good to tease ourselves that way and is not as much work. i guess he becomes willing to do it in theory, but in practice he gets carried away easily.

i admit my self-esteem doesn't like that he considers sex with me to be work, but i also understand where he's coming from. he knows i don't like to dominate in bed, but i don't think he is getting just how much this issue is irking me. we're both used to getting our way, and i'm okay with compromising - when i feel like the other person is also willing to compromise.

good point about the shutting down idea.

[Lulu]

I agree with Doc- you seem very analytical (no offense!). Maybe look at the situation in a simpler way. He's not pleasing you in bed to your satisfaction- try a conversation about what REALLY turns YOU on! It's not negative that way- just open with communication re: your sex life together.....

[rei]

I agree with Doc- you seem very analytical (no offense!). Maybe look at the situation in a simpler way. He's not pleasing you in bed to your satisfaction- try a conversation about what REALLY turns YOU on! It's not negative that way- just open with communication re: your sex life together.....

just wrote a long response and hit the wrong button. i'm not normally very analytical but i didn't feel like Doc's response provided anything i could practically apply. i don't see myself telling a self-described feminine hetero man that he needs to man up. and although i'm dominant, that's not my style of dominance.

but your response makes more sense, and it actually helped me bring to the surface a fear that i have (sincere thanks for that). i am scared that i will go through the effort to share myself in this way, to share what i like and would enjoy, and he will not respond with generosity. the example of going to see the movie and him saying okay as long as i pay for it has made me afraid that he won't want to make me happy if it means any sacrifice on his part. better to find that out now than later, but i also don't think i would see myself finding greater compatibility with another person. i don't need him to NEED to make me happy (people pleasing, yuck), but i do need him to WANT to make me happy. i'm scared that he won't want to make me happy unless he gets his way too, but i also know i would not handle a relationship like that very well for long.

i'm beginning to wonder if i'm making it too easy for him... i definitely don't want him to get the idea that i will always go along with what he wants. when i back down he steps up, but as i said that also seems manipulative even if it works. maybe if i say, 'i really enjoy this (being dominated)' and he doesn't respond with generosity or enthusiasm, i can ask what are some ways we can both be satisfied here.

[Doc Durian]

this reflects convention. it also confuses dominance and submission with gender (roles) AND confuses it with sexuality as well.

It reflects the truth. You merely don't want to recognize it or are incapable of realizing it due to your unique environmental factors until now, I suspect.

and, i'm not sure there's any logic in the notion of an alpha male AND alpha female in a relationship. usually one person is alpha and the other is beta.

An Alpha Male and Alpha Female become the "Alpha Pair" strictly in the biological sense. We as humans have the ability to reason, feel, and think for ourselves and therefore approach relationships on equal but different footings (male/female) while maintaining our individual senses of self. This has historically and until very recently been differentiated along the duties males and females carry in their alpha pairing.

With the advent of the unrestrained and undisciplined feminism movement, these age old focal points of relationship balance and order have been cast off and scorned but with no new structure to replace what naturally worked for us as a species of sentient beings.

though of course, that can change or it can be different depending on the circumstances (for example, the person who takes on the alpha role is the one who is more competent for that particular situation).

True in some cases, afterall, he's getting you to do all the work while he lounges on his back and busts a nut.

your response seems mostly based on stereotype.

Seems and "is" are two entirely different kettles of fish, darling.

and telling me my boyfriend needs to man up isn't very practical advice, he's not posting here.

Does his posting or not posting here dismiss his need to shed the blouse and grow into a man so as to behave accordingly in a relationship with a woman who appears to think she's both a man and a woman who can have the best of both worlds?

Consider this... You stated that outside of the bedroom you're dominant and in the bedroom he's not. You've implied with your scenario that you as the supposed dominant person in the relationship, or the pants wearer, has expectations of him domineering you in the sack.

Isn't that domineering in itself?

If you can behave like a man whenever and wherever you please, why can't he?

If he were to cave into your expectations, wouldn't that only cement your self perception of dominance in all realms?

He's making you ride him cowgirl style when you would much rather it the other way around.

I'd say it's his only domineering streak, right there... at least that which he's been able to get away with until now.

[rei]

It reflects the truth. You merely don't want to recognize it or are incapable of realizing it due to your unique environmental factors until now, I suspect.

well, is it unreasonable to think you were making some assumptions? do you not think psychological androgyny is a real phenomenon?
it's not that i'm only masculine. it's just that i express more masculinity than the average woman. i can also be yielding and emotional, i dress like a woman. but i spit too. only outdoors.

oh, and i concede the point about the Alpha Pair. i've never heard that term used in that way, i've only heard the alpha/beta argument.

True in some cases, afterall, he's getting you to do all the work while he lounges on his back and busts a nut.

are you trying to help me own my anger about this?

Seems and "is" are two entirely different kettles of fish, darling.

true enough.

Does his posting or not posting here dismiss his need to shed the blouse and grow into a man so as to behave accordingly in a relationship with a woman who appears to think she's both a man and a woman who can have the best of both worlds?

my natural tendencies, patterns and preferences haven't resulted in this type of conflict before, and it's not really so unusual as to make it unrealistic - but maybe you aren't implying that.

so maybe you can clarify - are you saying he needs to step up and be a man in all realms of the relationship? because i don't usually feel attracted to the macho stuff. he's assertive, he's not a pushover. but he's passive when he's not assertive, and that's only becoming an issue in bed. now, i am usually assertive BUT mostly passive also. we're both laid-back and easygoing by default (MBTI types), so it's really not surprising that we'd have an upside-down power struggle about taking on the active role. however, if he became the stereotypical picture of a man, i would likely not be attracted to him. i don't get in relationships with guys who drink beers and watch football and don't listen to women. there's just some spiritual/energetic clash between myself and those guys. but as i think i've said, i don't see myself doing anything with women besides make out with them. so, i don't know, maybe i misunderstood your man-in-a-woman's-body comment.

Consider this... You stated that outside of the bedroom you're dominant and in the bedroom he's not. You've implied with your scenario that you as the supposed dominant person in the relationship, or the pants wearer, has expectations of him domineering you in the sack.

Isn't that domineering in itself?

well, i don't know if it is merely an expectation. it's a preference that i've communicated.

If you can behave like a man whenever and wherever you please, why can't he?

he can. i am not forcing him to be in the passive role. truthfully, neither of us is too keen about taking the initiative, but i am often the one who does so.

If he were to cave into your expectations, wouldn't that only cement your self perception of dominance in all realms?

would you elaborate on this? not sure what you mean here.

He's making you ride him cowgirl style when you would much rather it the other way around.

I'd say it's his only domineering streak, right there... at least that which he's been able to get away with until now.

you're saying, i think, that he is using this pseudo-submissiveness to control me - is that correct? and, you think that means my distaste for it is actually my distaste for being controlled?

i would enjoy him playfully controlling me. afaik, i prefer to be submissive in bed because that's a normal pattern for women who happen to be more dominant. it's nice to be able to trust that much. and yeah, it's nice to be the receiver. so far, i feel like i give more than i receive, and i am not enjoying that.

for the record, i am aware that the submissive party is really the one in control. dominance isn't the same thing as control though.
and, i realize it sounds contradictory to describe myself as both passive and dominant. it is more that i naturally find myself in leadership roles, whether i seek them or not (i often don't). but i don't lead in an overbearing way, i respect the personal power of others. i don't even know if i would say i enjoy leading, it's more that i'm willing to take on that role if someone needs to lead.

[Doc Durian]

There's a fair bit to reply to in your follow up post, rei, and in the wish to not turn this into a rolling quote bomb fest... let me sum it all up with a movie:



If you haven't seen it, you may profit from renting it at your local Video Shop.

[Mish]

i have been taking the more dominant role in bed more often, even though in the past i never really did this much. i'm very flexible so i didn't have to :p my problem with this is that it's not my natural preference, and i want my boyfriend to enjoy the dominant role more - even though i know that's not realistic. i just find myself taking it a bit personally when he seems to take the dominant role without any enthusiasm.

so, the obvious suggestion is to talk to him about this, which i plan on doing. but in the meantime, i was wondering if i could get some advice on becoming more comfortable with being dominant in bed as well as outside the bedroom. could also do with advice on not letting his preference to sit back and be taken affect me like it's personal.

i think this actually is getting to me for other reasons... at one point he mentioned his ex was selfish, but i am finding myself being the more generous one in this relationship. i have a feeling trying to talk about it will make him get very defensive, and i also feel like it hasn't really been a relationship long enough for me to have the 'right' to engage him in 'a talk.' in the meantime though, i find myself bothering myself about this sense that i am usually the one who goes with what i'm not as interested in doing. i don't want that to become a major pattern - and i definitely see the relationship working for the long haul, because the good things definitely outweigh the bad.

but i am also getting like a stereotypical woman about this idea... i want him to WANT to be generous and i want him to WANT to compromise to make me happy. i accept him as he is, but this would be nice too.

here is an example of what i mean: he wanted to go and play pool for Valentine's Day, which i didn't like as an option. i told him i would enjoy seeing that new movie called Valentine's Day instead. he said he would agree to seeing it if i paid for his ticket. now, i did laugh, i had a sense of humor about this. even said i love how 21-st century we are. and that's true. but it's a good example of what i mean about the generosity.

Rei, it sounds like there are a couple of things you are concerned about in your relationship. Dominance in the bedroom, generosity, communication, unfairness, compromise. I think to simplify it might be better to prioritize and focus on one issue at a time.

[rei]

Rei, it sounds like there are a couple of things you are concerned about in your relationship. Dominance in the bedroom, generosity, communication, unfairness, compromise. I think to simplify it might be better to prioritize and focus on one issue at a time.

wow... i didn't even see that until you reflected it back to me. i feel ridiculous having such a laundry list already, when the relationship is actually going well!
you're right though, simplifying would be helpful.