long distance relationship torture
Hello to all posters and people on this site. Thank you to take the time to read my post and hopefully provide some constructive advice. I am posting here now because I am at a total end and I truly do not know what to do anymore.
Here is some brief but essential background information. I am a 22 year old male from England. I have never been someone who gave any degree of value to casual sex with random people and gave importance to relationships. I have had 3 profound relationships from the age of 16 up until now but the last relationship has left a giant scar upon my life.
I met a girl when I was 19 who was of similar age and Italian. Instantly there was an obvious spark and a unique connection, mainly within communication. We really communicated well and were on the same wave length, it was great. As time went on we grew closer and closer, physically and emotionally. It got to the point in which we considered each other soul mates. I have had a 2 year relationship in the past but this went vastly beyond that, and it was pure built around communication.
Then 2 years down the line she had to move back to Italy. I was totally heart broken and being a buddhist should be mindful of attachment of this nature. Anyway, when she left we swore to communicate each day and we did for a long time. We could spend up to 6-8 hours a day on skype merely talking and connecting, which was fine for a while. One day something hit me like a freight train at full speed, trust. For once in my life I was contemplating the trust I have for her. I suddenly felt the distance and became paranoid about everything. This was maybe 3-4 months after she had moved away. I had no proof of anything but I accused her of certain things souley due to the distance. Over time these accusations obviously really got to her and started to hurt her. I myself had never even thought of cheating on her, to me she was the perfect kindred soul so never even looked at another women in the same way. I couldn't really fault her as she was mostly there when I needed her or wanted her.
As time proceeded, things got drastically worse to the point where I would drive myself insane with my thoughts. She had bared the brunt of many accusations and mad frenzies. I at times would spend hours laying on my bed not moving for food, drink whatever. I would be too depressed to care about a thing. Other days I would be frantic with my thoughts and feel as a captive within my own mind. So one day I observed how things had transpired and decided that it was time to end everything. For me it was not a happy period and for her also it was horrible. She took this personally to some extent and that was that.
Some weeks after this I made contact again and we began to talk again, almost as if nothing had happened. We obviously spoke of what had taken place, but we became immersed in our 'bubble' soon enough. Again I felt the distance so decided to detach myself. I realise now that doing this several times was quite selfish, but at the time I was drowning in desperation.
After a while of this she literally did not want to know anymore. I am left in this moment feeling the exact same unique and infinitely strong feelings for her, still wishing I had her here next to me and to just talk with me at least. I KNOW she is the one who connects with my personality in a certain way that no one else can, I KNOW that she is the one. I cannot seem to let go, I have tried no contact where you stop communicating with them in ever way, I have destroyed everything that reminds me of her and more. Yet I still see her in every day life, I am always reminded of her. I once even self harmed when I was drunk one night, (something I am very ashamed of I must say) but at the time it felt right I guess. I have the feeling I will never get over her. With any other relationship break up in the past, after a week or a few weeks I felt better, if I had been left or me to leave them, yet here I have left her and cannot get over it. If anyone could help me here I would be highly thankful, I am pretty desperate.. Thanks again, tom :)