long distance relationship torture

[UKtomtom]

Hello to all posters and people on this site. Thank you to take the time to read my post and hopefully provide some constructive advice. I am posting here now because I am at a total end and I truly do not know what to do anymore.

Here is some brief but essential background information. I am a 22 year old male from England. I have never been someone who gave any degree of value to casual sex with random people and gave importance to relationships. I have had 3 profound relationships from the age of 16 up until now but the last relationship has left a giant scar upon my life.

I met a girl when I was 19 who was of similar age and Italian. Instantly there was an obvious spark and a unique connection, mainly within communication. We really communicated well and were on the same wave length, it was great. As time went on we grew closer and closer, physically and emotionally. It got to the point in which we considered each other soul mates. I have had a 2 year relationship in the past but this went vastly beyond that, and it was pure built around communication.
Then 2 years down the line she had to move back to Italy. I was totally heart broken and being a buddhist should be mindful of attachment of this nature. Anyway, when she left we swore to communicate each day and we did for a long time. We could spend up to 6-8 hours a day on skype merely talking and connecting, which was fine for a while. One day something hit me like a freight train at full speed, trust. For once in my life I was contemplating the trust I have for her. I suddenly felt the distance and became paranoid about everything. This was maybe 3-4 months after she had moved away. I had no proof of anything but I accused her of certain things souley due to the distance. Over time these accusations obviously really got to her and started to hurt her. I myself had never even thought of cheating on her, to me she was the perfect kindred soul so never even looked at another women in the same way. I couldn't really fault her as she was mostly there when I needed her or wanted her.
As time proceeded, things got drastically worse to the point where I would drive myself insane with my thoughts. She had bared the brunt of many accusations and mad frenzies. I at times would spend hours laying on my bed not moving for food, drink whatever. I would be too depressed to care about a thing. Other days I would be frantic with my thoughts and feel as a captive within my own mind. So one day I observed how things had transpired and decided that it was time to end everything. For me it was not a happy period and for her also it was horrible. She took this personally to some extent and that was that.
Some weeks after this I made contact again and we began to talk again, almost as if nothing had happened. We obviously spoke of what had taken place, but we became immersed in our 'bubble' soon enough. Again I felt the distance so decided to detach myself. I realise now that doing this several times was quite selfish, but at the time I was drowning in desperation.
After a while of this she literally did not want to know anymore. I am left in this moment feeling the exact same unique and infinitely strong feelings for her, still wishing I had her here next to me and to just talk with me at least. I KNOW she is the one who connects with my personality in a certain way that no one else can, I KNOW that she is the one. I cannot seem to let go, I have tried no contact where you stop communicating with them in ever way, I have destroyed everything that reminds me of her and more. Yet I still see her in every day life, I am always reminded of her. I once even self harmed when I was drunk one night, (something I am very ashamed of I must say) but at the time it felt right I guess. I have the feeling I will never get over her. With any other relationship break up in the past, after a week or a few weeks I felt better, if I had been left or me to leave them, yet here I have left her and cannot get over it. If anyone could help me here I would be highly thankful, I am pretty desperate.. Thanks again, tom

[cmacattack1]

Well you acknowledged what the problem was and why it went wrong. That's certainly a step in the right direction.

What no contact is supposed to do is not quite help you "get over" her, it's more of something you do for you to rebuild your life without the other person in it. Your desperation is stemming from the fact that you want the pain you are in to end, but there is only one thing in this world that would take that pain away, and that's her. That's the reason why you wanted to be back together with her again after you broke up, you were desperate and you wanted the pain to end. By doing so, and not identifying the issues or trying to understand them before getting back together, you were just setting yourself up for failure. If it didn't work out the first time, and you haven't changed since then, what makes you think it would work out the second time? I know this doesn't help you now, and you may see this now, but understanding everything about your relationship can help bring you peace of mind and help you look forward.

There has to be a reason why your mistrust in her started brewing. Despite all the effort you put into talking every day, were you beginning to feel detached since you couldn't be with her in person? It's quite possible you may have self sabotaged your own relationship, and it might sound crazy, but it happens. I sabotaged my own relationship with my ex because of the issues I had myself.

While we think that love can conquer all, that simply isn't the case. You guys were confident that your love could withstand the distance but love can't compete with the everyday feelings of loneliness and emptiness. With these long distance relationships, it is extremely important to establish a kind of time table to where you could be back together in person. With everything going on in both of your lives, it can be very complicated but it's very important that you make an effort to at least establish a rough timeline. It doesn't sound like you really had a plan and if there is no set end to the distance, what are you guys really working towards? It's slowly going to sink on one end (in this example your end) and a relationship cannot survive on one person.

I know that you feel that she is the one and that she will always be the one, but with 8 billion people on the Earth, do you really believe she is the only one you can connect to? It's romantic to think that she is your "one", but there are plenty of "ones" out there for all of us. Thousands, and probably more. I understand you want her to be your one right now and that won't open you up to meeting somebody else, but you have to come to terms with it on your own for your own benefit. You made some mistakes and you ****ed up. You broke up with her, and had another opportunity when you got back together, and you ****ed that up too. How many more times are you going to continually mess up before anything that you have experienced is going to sink in? You say that she doesn't even want to know you anymore. And that's going to be brutal and probably want to cause you to beat yourself up more, because you feel responsible.

You have to be willing to forgive yourself for these mistakes. You are still very young. Being a 23 year old male myself, I ****ed up a relationship where she lived only an hour and a half away from me. She wanted to give it her all, her everything and I just took that for granted. I partied with my friends and did the bare minimum, sometimes less. She's gone and she's with somebody else. Being somebody with low self esteem I just wanted to take it out on me, defeat myself, beat myself up for it. How could I be so stupid, so oblivious, so careless with somebody's heart? How could I turn away somebody else's love, something that everybody in the world would be lucky to have if just one person cared for them like that? What's done is done. There isn't anything you can do to change what has happened. Brooding on it, sulking in it, wallowing in self pity is just going to sink you further down. It's not going to get you anywhere.

Like I mentioned before, she is the only person that can take that pain away and make you feel good again. But she isn't going to. Your friends and family can support you through this, but they can only do so much. It's up to you to pull yourself out of this rut. Destroying your memories of her is not going to help you in the long run, and may even hurt you later on in life because when you are out of this and have nothing but good things to remember, you won't have anything to remind you of those good times.

We all talk about very cliche things to help you focus your energy. You should want to become a better person because who you were before failed the person that you love. Going to a gym, hanging out with some friends, joining a club/sport, focusing on a better education and/or job advancement are some of the obvious examples of how you can improve yourself. You never know what can happen in the future, you might just as possibly run into her in the future. When and if that happens, you want to be ready. If you are still a broken man, she will feel bad but not want to be with you. Or maybe she won't and think you got what you deserved. Either way, improving yourself is only making you better off for her and the more likely case of somebody new in your future. The sooner you do this, the better off you are for any opportunity that comes your way. Sorry if that sounds obnoxiously upbeat, but life is too short, and it's up to you if you want this to continue.

Time is the only thing that can really heal you and agonizing over it and sulking about it is going to make that time feel like an eternity. You ever stare at a clock at work or school and just want it to be a certain time? Doesn't time just crawl when you do that? By keeping yourself busy and focusing on other things, the time will fly by quicker and you will feel a little bit better every day. You will get a certain satisfaction for doing things for you and making yourself a better person.

[UKtomtom]

thanks cmacattack, you have put certain aspects of this into perspective for me. Thinking about it now, I do think that i sabotaged the relationship intentionally or not. i was constantly stuck between the pain of not having her in my life or to communicate with, and the pain of her being there but not in a physical sense. It is a catch 22 situation if I ever saw one I must say.

I started to get paranoid and suspicious thoughts probably for a few reasons. One being that I have an over active mind naturally, I always have done from a very young age. I have had problems with hypercondria and anxiety going back to when I was around 12 years of age. Then I got mixed up with experimenting with certain substances from 14 until 19. Ironically enough, when I started university, or as you say in USA college, I stopped experimenting with drugs. So yea, you probably get the picture here. Along with the added problems due to distance, it started to drive me insane. I was never really paranoid or distrusting when we were together here though.

We should have seen each other and I am sure we would have done if it had lasted longer, but as you mentioned university and financial matters came into play. In this present moment however it is not me going back and forth anymore, she is willing to talk now and then if I want to as she enjoys that. But she doesn't want to try and get involved in another relationship as we are so far away still and I have basically left her too many times, which is understandable I guess. She spoke of things such as she had gotten use to being alone which was evidently my choice many times, that she wants to be alone and doesn't need anyone right now in this sense, but her friends and family are most important. Which again is very understanding I must say. But I cannot merely talk to her every now and then because it is a kind of torture to me, not being able to have a profound relationship but being reminded of her regularly. I will and have found myself back at square one many times, but can't seem to reinforce the will power and defeat the temptation of talking to her. I have some days in which I am ok where I do not beat myself down too much about it, then other days where I can fall into such a depression about it I either become totally subdued and down, or I just get very irrational and crazed. I understand that you need to be around people, friends and keep yourself occupied. I have been mindful of this already, one example being today where my house mate's girlfriend came over with his 4 month old son. Seeing something so pure as a happy family and a new born child was very humbling. It made me very happy I must say. Also when I am out doing things with friends I forgot of the entire situation some what.

[cmacattack1]

I guess what you have to do is really think about you in this. If talking to her is bringing you back to square one over and over again, maybe you shouldn't be doing that anymore? As difficult as it is, if you aren't ready, you aren't ready.

I know you went over and over everything you did wrong in your head and it's crushing to think about how you did it. Trying your best to understand everything and remembering that you made the mistakes and you can't change them is extremely important so you can finally take the burden off your shoulders.

[MLK]

I too can 100% relate to your story word for word. The only difference is that my guy is finally moving back and we are going to attempt this again face to face. The previous poster made a very valid point. A relationship will not survive if both parties are not equally committed to making it work. I'm using every ounce of energy I have to make this work, but he's not meeting me halfway. This would be an amazing relationship if he did-- but that's not the case. I've spent a year and a half holding my breath for this guy, and in that time we have done nothing but cheat on each other, say and do vengeful things, which now has put us in a horrible place of mistrust. I don't know if we can ever salvage what we once had.

It's easy to get wrapped up and not be able to get thru your day without constant reminders of the person-- and that is painful beyond words. I finally started putting my foot down and not talking to him for a week or two at a time, and right as I was starting to heal, that's when he's pop back in the picture and say he's been miserable not talking to me, and I get all girlie, think, "awww, he does want to be with me, and we are sharing the same feelings." But once I give in and allow him back into my life, the same cycle starts again. He has me, and won't do the necessary things to please me, and accept what I need from the relationship, in turn I get burned again. It's a game. And a sick game at that.

Everyone around me is so sick of hearing about the horrible things he does and says to me, and the closest people to me are just plain fed up with my lack of self esteem. I've never had the highest self esteem, but having this toxic, manipulative person in my life is only making matters worse. I know you are probably thinking, "she's so lucky to at least have a chance to try and attempt the relationship again," and maybe I am, maybe I'm not. You know how when you break up with someone and you say to yourself, "I'm never going to be able to find anyone better than that," then months down the road you meet someone new, and you reflect and laugh at yourself for thinking such a silly thought? That's the place your in right now. Thinking that nobody else will ever compare, but you owe it to yourself to get out there and meet new people. I'm really preaching to the choir on this one, because I can't take my own advice. I've become such a hermit, you can't pry me out of the house anymore. I used to LOVE going out to clubs and bars with my friends, getting all dolled up, now you couldn't pay me to do that. And even if I do, I'm comparing everyone in the bar to him and I get discouraged. You just have to keep getting on the bike... it will only get easier and easier, but you have to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the person, but then move on. You have to. You absolutely have to.

[cmacattack1]

I wish my ex girlfriend felt the same way you did. The guy doesn't realize what he is doing is wrong, even if he knows it. I don't know if that makes sense but as long as you are still in his life with the kind of behavior he displays, it's just going to continue. You feel like you can't live without him, he is the one, everything. And he seems to be the one you want, but not right now. He needs to be on his own to grow and mature because the life you guys have together is actually inhibiting it.

It took losing what I had to really understand and really accept responsibility for my actions and to grow on my own. It's going to take that for you too. Another reason to let him go and keep him completely out of your life. Get yourself out of the house and back out there. That's the only way you will meet somebody that might make him pale in comparison. My ex is dating a new guy and even if he was half as interesting and they don't feel the connection, if he treats her right, what's the difference? Guys are a dime a dozen, there are plenty of attractive guys out there. Having one treat you right and keep you is another thing and probably the most difficult chore.