sigh...help anyone?

Dear LoveForum.net

I need help!

I met this girl a year ago, we became good friends...yada yada you know how the story goes. We're both in our mid-20s and from relatively conservative background when it comes dating and relationships. Up until a few months ago I started changing my feelings for her but I never had the courage to ever say anything and actually never did until a few days ago. During these last 2-3 months I would drop hints here and there of my interest in her and she found them quite amusing. We talked and texted everyday and for hours at a time, went out sightseeing and really enjoyed company with one another. This girl is someone who I can see spending the rest of my life with, I know it. I've waited a year and really understood this person and I know I can see being with her. During this time she brought up how she didn't believe in "having a boyfriend" and that if she ever really liked a guy she would want to go all the way and not mess around (this was all said indirect). She isn't a typical girl, I'm practically the only guy she talks to and she has NO experience whatsoever in the past with boys since she went to an All Girls School and has a relatively strict household, hence the "go to marriage" attitude.

Now for the trouble, a few days ago we got into a fight and told me and quote "I didn't want to make it look like I had a boyfriend". That for some reason pissed me off and after a 4 hour fight eventually my feelings for her came out. I told her everything, how I felt and where I wanted to go with it and she was taken by surprise no doubt. She bluntly told me that she considered just as a friend but wanted for us to stay close and see if things would naturally lead that far. This was where I basically came to the conclusion that she was saying "no - she didn't want to hurt me that's all".

When I told her this she became a little emotional and said she really did care about me and wanted to see if things would work out naturally. She just didn't want any regrets and wanted to know that this wasn't a phase of mine and wanted me to convince her somehow this wasn't (those were here words almost).

At this point I was really confused and still am over what she was trying to do. Was she really interested in making this perfect or was she just playing around and trying to let me go without hurting me...or was she (like me) just flat out confused due to the inexperience (like me...this is practically the first real girl I've had feelings for).

I was embarrassed and heart broken after that, but she made it a point to tell me that she was going to try to make it normal and easier for both of us and we still talked after the fight. She brought up the fact that this was a phase of mine and that in a few months I wouild look back and laugh (who knows maybe I might now). She was so confident that this was a phase of mine for the past 2 days she kept asking me why I liked her so much, she was trying to get myself to realize that I really didn't like her but it infact ended up backfiring. She was honestly thinking that I would realize myself I wasn't in love with her, but actually she realized that I was and I was dead serious about her too.

She basically backed off now from what I see, messaging me that I need time. I again got a little angry (I have that problem) and basically told her that you were just trying to put me down easy and nicely, but she again responded with "you don't know me and how do I know how i'll feel about you a few years later? you don't know me...i thought you did. i've tried really hard. i already said i don't wana lose you as a friend, but we need time to let things get back to normal. try to understand".

Conclusion:

It's over from what I see, I feel like crap but I feel like I will get sucked back into this if she decides to take advantage of my feelings, which I don't think she will, but who knows.



I need to know what the next step is and where I move on from this point without completely destroying myself.

Thank You

That's the thing man, you never really understand someone. You hear stories of people just being done with marriages after 20+ years and a few kids, all because they don't want it anymore. Be thankful you haven't gotten serious with her and she woke up one morning feeling differently, that just happened to me, and it's the worst feeling in the world. My advice to you is, go out, meet new people, date, understand how women can be (although you will never completely get it, they don't even know). Before you start looking for someone new, take time for yourself, try and come to terms with what it is that you really want and when you're ready, start looking :)

Wow, I couldn't imagine dealing with this if it had happened 20 years down the road. I can't imagine it at all infact! It must have been quite a tough experience for you but thanks for the tips I'll be sure to keep them in mind for the next few months.

I already know what I have to do, I think for me writing it down and having people tell me what I already know I have to do is just what I needed. But there is one thing I can't seem to solve. Do we remain friends? If this was some random girl who was far away I could manage it better, but we're within a group of close friends and studying in the same university (actually were all med students...another reason why we have literally no experience in this because we have no lives to begin with). We will see each other regardless either at some casual get together or during university hours.

She has clearly said she wants to remain close friends and has left the decision to me over what is next between us.

She is clearly wanting to keep you around for her own comfort. Please don't be fooled by it. They think they are being friendly and diplomatic when they say they want to be friends but they are just looking out for their own interests. This is about you. And what's important to you. If you still care about them, you WON'T be their friend.

I agree with cmac. And she's thinking in terms of years. You could potentially be stuck in this friend zone for years, or more if she decides she will never have romantic feelings for you. Right now she seems to enjoy having your attention (hence her asking you constantly about why you like her so much). She's fishing for compliments to boost her ego. This reveals that she is insecure and immature. And she's doing this in her mid-20s? You say she hasn't really ever had a boyfriend? Then she's had no practice at how to be a good girlfriend.

Thank you both...really it's helping me a lot. And yes, I'd agree she is quite immature at times, but I suppose it's just the inexperience. She's not bad at heart, and we loved being around one another I guess she just doesn't want to loose that. She is selfish, and she admits it too. Anyways we've both decided to take a break, she needs "time" for things to "get back to normal". I don't think it ever will though and said don't expect it but she says it will. Whatever that means.

I suppose a slow withdrawal from all this is the best way to go about it. Just simply ignoring her from here on would be immature on my part, we still have to talk to one another when it comes to meeting in public places with other friends or anything school related, but it just won't be like before.

I don't think it would be immature of you all to cut her from your life and if that is what you would prefer to do.
Ya gotta look after Number One (You).

Don't hang on in the hopes that her feelings for you will change, because they won't.
And the last thing you need in your life is her friendship and if you still have feelings for her.

I don't understand why people choose to keep others around and when there are no romantic feelings.
If some guy was calling me, wanting to hang out and dropping hints he liked me as more, I wouldn't be failing to notice his interest and I'd be the one to end the friendship if I wasn't feeling the same.
To not end it, is to continue to lead him on and give false hope.
And I personally couldn't do that to someone and I don't understand why others do it.

I don't think she's a bad person, I'm sure she has a good heart and means well, but she has a little growing up to do. I've been down that road admitting I was selfish and immature through some self loathing but I also didn't want to do anything about it. I would always fish for compliments beating myself and people would always say "You are a good guy" and I would really ride that out. Saying you love them and care for them (for who they are) kind of creates a buffer zone for them and doesn't make them want to change. I went from girlfriend to girlfriend knowing well that I was treating them like crap but diluted myself into thinking "Oh, if they were the one for me, I would have been a good boyfriend." It's not taking responsibility for my own actions and it's immaturity. I feel like she has a similar mentality to what I had and it's a dangerous place to be. It took me a real wake up call (dumped on my ass like I deserved) to really open my eyes. If she doesn't really have any feelings for you, it might be difficult for her to make that transition.

Personally, it is best to dump confused girls like this because they can make your life really miserable. If a girl wanted your love, she should accept it and not give you stupid reasons like she wants to wait and see things out naturally. It is just crap. Tell her you love her and ask her if she loves you. The answer can only be a yes or no. There is no two ways about it and there is no time needed as you have already spent enough time with her. If she gives you a vague answer to your question, just dump her and cut her out for good. Trust me, you will either have her begging you to take her back or you will never hear from her. Either way, you have a answer to your question.