Dear LoveForum.net
I need help!
I met this girl a year ago, we became good friends...yada yada you know how the story goes. We're both in our mid-20s and from relatively conservative background when it comes dating and relationships. Up until a few months ago I started changing my feelings for her but I never had the courage to ever say anything and actually never did until a few days ago. During these last 2-3 months I would drop hints here and there of my interest in her and she found them quite amusing. We talked and texted everyday and for hours at a time, went out sightseeing and really enjoyed company with one another. This girl is someone who I can see spending the rest of my life with, I know it. I've waited a year and really understood this person and I know I can see being with her. During this time she brought up how she didn't believe in "having a boyfriend" and that if she ever really liked a guy she would want to go all the way and not mess around (this was all said indirect). She isn't a typical girl, I'm practically the only guy she talks to and she has NO experience whatsoever in the past with boys since she went to an All Girls School and has a relatively strict household, hence the "go to marriage" attitude.
Now for the trouble, a few days ago we got into a fight and told me and quote "I didn't want to make it look like I had a boyfriend". That for some reason pissed me off and after a 4 hour fight eventually my feelings for her came out. I told her everything, how I felt and where I wanted to go with it and she was taken by surprise no doubt. She bluntly told me that she considered just as a friend but wanted for us to stay close and see if things would naturally lead that far. This was where I basically came to the conclusion that she was saying "no - she didn't want to hurt me that's all".
When I told her this she became a little emotional and said she really did care about me and wanted to see if things would work out naturally. She just didn't want any regrets and wanted to know that this wasn't a phase of mine and wanted me to convince her somehow this wasn't (those were here words almost).
At this point I was really confused and still am over what she was trying to do. Was she really interested in making this perfect or was she just playing around and trying to let me go without hurting me...or was she (like me) just flat out confused due to the inexperience (like me...this is practically the first real girl I've had feelings for).
I was embarrassed and heart broken after that, but she made it a point to tell me that she was going to try to make it normal and easier for both of us and we still talked after the fight. She brought up the fact that this was a phase of mine and that in a few months I wouild look back and laugh (who knows maybe I might now). She was so confident that this was a phase of mine for the past 2 days she kept asking me why I liked her so much, she was trying to get myself to realize that I really didn't like her but it infact ended up backfiring. She was honestly thinking that I would realize myself I wasn't in love with her, but actually she realized that I was and I was dead serious about her too.
She basically backed off now from what I see, messaging me that I need time. I again got a little angry (I have that problem) and basically told her that you were just trying to put me down easy and nicely, but she again responded with "you don't know me and how do I know how i'll feel about you a few years later? you don't know me...i thought you did. i've tried really hard. i already said i don't wana lose you as a friend, but we need time to let things get back to normal. try to understand".
Conclusion:
It's over from what I see, I feel like crap but I feel like I will get sucked back into this if she decides to take advantage of my feelings, which I don't think she will, but who knows.
I need to know what the next step is and where I move on from this point without completely destroying myself.
Thank You