Relationship Issues and Working It Out
So, the boyfriend and I had a conversation recently about some things we've been dealing with. I felt it coming, and I'm glad we finally got to air some things out.
The main point of the conversation was this feeling that we haven't been on the same page lately. We're approaching 1 year together, and in that time the pace of our relationship has changed a few times. Within the first few months of dating, I moved in with him and his family because I needed help getting on my feet during a very bad year last year. In January, he left for Mexico, an immersion trip he'd been planning for a long time. He was gone for 4 months during which I stayed with a friend, and then moved into a house in March. He returned at the start of May.
Since his return we've tried to fall back into a routine together, but it's been difficult. We grew very used to being around each other all the time during the few months I lived with him, and then had to grow used to Skyping and IM chats while he was away.
This past month he wasn't working, but looking for jobs. He has yet to start work (begins training on Saturday) and has had very little money to work with. Frequently driving back and forth to see one another isn't very feasible right now as we live 20-30 minutes apart, and I work full-time in the opposite direction.
He told me he's been feeling like he's not being a good boyfriend. That I am expecting him to be there for me in ways he cannot be right now. I was a little surprised because I thought I'd been pretty easy on him and good about not pressuring him. I know that doing so would only result in his shutting down. So, I asked him what he needed from me so that we could work on this together.
He said that he would like for me to plan things more. He confessed to not being terribly creative and admitted that the spark that kept him going initially was the excitement of getting to know me. As of right now we tend to relax indoors and this sometimes results in restlessness and/or boredom with doing the same ol' same ol'. Currently, he spends a lot of time in the house scouring the internet for jobs, applying to jobs, and conserving what little gas he can afford (San Diego County is not small). I admitted that sometimes I would go over to his house to just be with him because I am content just being in his presence.
He also said that he's comfortable not seeing me as often as we had seen each other before (which was close to, if not, everyday). We currently see each other 1-2 times a week because that is all we can manage so that we're not overspending on gas, food, and other expenses. Sometimes though, he just wants time to himself. I understand this, and I told him that if that's the case, he needs to openly communicate that to me. I would rather him be upfront if he'd rather be alone, than to concede to have me come over only for me to feel like an unwanted presence. He said he understood and would be more forward in the future.
Other important points we hit in the conversation:
1. We still love each other very much.
2. He wants to work on this together. He wants us to get back on the same page, as do I.
3. He will work on opening up the lines of communication on his end.
4. I will help by finding more constructive ways to spend our time together.
He said he was unsure of how to proceed, and so I told him I would take point as I've had the most experience with these long-term relationship lulls. I've learned quite a bit about what not to do in these situations, and I'm gonna try and put my best foot forward with this. He said he was worried that having this conversation would cause me to torpedo the whole thing if I felt as if I would only get hurt. I told him that is not how I work, and that I'm here for him so long as he wants to work with me on this. I battled severe anxiety inside to have this conversation, and I think I did so beautifully. No freaking out, no crying. A very calm, rational conversation. I spent the rest of the night getting cuddled and received a luxurious massage which eased my anxiety and my cramps.
I would love some support from my most trusted advisers, and anyone else who would like to share their thoughts. Thanks, guys :)
PS. I think part of the reason I posted this was the conversation I had with my roommate about my situation. She, her friend, and I were chatting during half-time and after I gave them a rundown of the situation her friend said, "This guy doesn't sound very cool." I asked her to elaborate and she and my roommate told me that if my guy were truly into me, he'd want to spend every day with me. I told them how unreasonable that is, and they said, "No way! He SHOULD want to spend every day with you." Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure that's a relationship killer. They said, "Who cares if he doesn't have a lot of money? He should want to spend it on you." and, "What about when you get married? You'll have to spend every day with that person." I got upset after this conversation, and began to second-guess myself. I should note that my roommate isn't very experienced with long-term relationships, whereas I've been in several 2-year + relationships. I don't know why I'm letting her comments get under my skin. Support and advice appreciated. Thanks again, guys.
