Relationship Issues and Working It Out

[lahnnabell]

So, the boyfriend and I had a conversation recently about some things we've been dealing with. I felt it coming, and I'm glad we finally got to air some things out.

The main point of the conversation was this feeling that we haven't been on the same page lately. We're approaching 1 year together, and in that time the pace of our relationship has changed a few times. Within the first few months of dating, I moved in with him and his family because I needed help getting on my feet during a very bad year last year. In January, he left for Mexico, an immersion trip he'd been planning for a long time. He was gone for 4 months during which I stayed with a friend, and then moved into a house in March. He returned at the start of May.

Since his return we've tried to fall back into a routine together, but it's been difficult. We grew very used to being around each other all the time during the few months I lived with him, and then had to grow used to Skyping and IM chats while he was away.

This past month he wasn't working, but looking for jobs. He has yet to start work (begins training on Saturday) and has had very little money to work with. Frequently driving back and forth to see one another isn't very feasible right now as we live 20-30 minutes apart, and I work full-time in the opposite direction.

He told me he's been feeling like he's not being a good boyfriend. That I am expecting him to be there for me in ways he cannot be right now. I was a little surprised because I thought I'd been pretty easy on him and good about not pressuring him. I know that doing so would only result in his shutting down. So, I asked him what he needed from me so that we could work on this together.

He said that he would like for me to plan things more. He confessed to not being terribly creative and admitted that the spark that kept him going initially was the excitement of getting to know me. As of right now we tend to relax indoors and this sometimes results in restlessness and/or boredom with doing the same ol' same ol'. Currently, he spends a lot of time in the house scouring the internet for jobs, applying to jobs, and conserving what little gas he can afford (San Diego County is not small). I admitted that sometimes I would go over to his house to just be with him because I am content just being in his presence.

He also said that he's comfortable not seeing me as often as we had seen each other before (which was close to, if not, everyday). We currently see each other 1-2 times a week because that is all we can manage so that we're not overspending on gas, food, and other expenses. Sometimes though, he just wants time to himself. I understand this, and I told him that if that's the case, he needs to openly communicate that to me. I would rather him be upfront if he'd rather be alone, than to concede to have me come over only for me to feel like an unwanted presence. He said he understood and would be more forward in the future.

Other important points we hit in the conversation:
1. We still love each other very much.
2. He wants to work on this together. He wants us to get back on the same page, as do I.
3. He will work on opening up the lines of communication on his end.
4. I will help by finding more constructive ways to spend our time together.

He said he was unsure of how to proceed, and so I told him I would take point as I've had the most experience with these long-term relationship lulls. I've learned quite a bit about what not to do in these situations, and I'm gonna try and put my best foot forward with this. He said he was worried that having this conversation would cause me to torpedo the whole thing if I felt as if I would only get hurt. I told him that is not how I work, and that I'm here for him so long as he wants to work with me on this. I battled severe anxiety inside to have this conversation, and I think I did so beautifully. No freaking out, no crying. A very calm, rational conversation. I spent the rest of the night getting cuddled and received a luxurious massage which eased my anxiety and my cramps.

I would love some support from my most trusted advisers, and anyone else who would like to share their thoughts. Thanks, guys

PS. I think part of the reason I posted this was the conversation I had with my roommate about my situation. She, her friend, and I were chatting during half-time and after I gave them a rundown of the situation her friend said, "This guy doesn't sound very cool." I asked her to elaborate and she and my roommate told me that if my guy were truly into me, he'd want to spend every day with me. I told them how unreasonable that is, and they said, "No way! He SHOULD want to spend every day with you." Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure that's a relationship killer. They said, "Who cares if he doesn't have a lot of money? He should want to spend it on you." and, "What about when you get married? You'll have to spend every day with that person." I got upset after this conversation, and began to second-guess myself. I should note that my roommate isn't very experienced with long-term relationships, whereas I've been in several 2-year + relationships. I don't know why I'm letting her comments get under my skin. Support and advice appreciated. Thanks again, guys.

[SirWagginston]

Well, personally, I prefer to see my girlfriend every day if I can. Sometimes she gets in the way of what I'd normally do, but I don't mind that, because having her there is a greater boon to me than that total freedom. Her presence improves my mood, and I much prefer sleeping with a partner, as I've found it helps alleviate my insomnia. Furthermore, I have a high sex drive, and after two days of no physical contact, I start to feel the urge to look elsewhere to subsidize my sex life. If she didn't satisfy me in bed so thoroughly, I doubt I could even go more than one day.

[Alvy]

I suck at giving support, but advice, call it impractical, but have you both considered going on a trip overseas for a month or two? It'll be a nice change from spending time indoors and getting bored out of your mind. Obviously you two will have to save up for a while, but seeing what your like and what he's like when you're both out of your comfort zones, in another continent, another culture, you might learn more about each other after the trip. Plus if you plan on making this a long term relationship, it'll give you something nice to look back on.

Or you could just go tandem skydiving or have a nice dinner in a hot air balloon overlooking the city if you both want some excitement/creativity.

[asdfg789]

I think you and your guy are being matured about things vs your roommate who is not.

Is it possible for him to find a job near you and come stay with you and occasionally go home when he needs his space on his own ?

[lahnnabell]

Thanks for the prompt responses, guys. Wag, to respond to you. I think a good portion of the issue was my boyfriend's 4-month absence. We had to grow quite used to contacting one another via Skype or IM chat only for 4 months. His routine was very different from what it is now. A decent internet connection was also a rarity down there, so we didn't have the leisure of talking whenever we wanted.

He also has suffered bouts of insomnia before. However, unlike you, he sometimes finds that sleeping with me distracts him from sleep. This does not happen all the time, but it still occurs. We slept fine together during the time I lived with him, so I wonder if it is part of the separation we endured earlier this year. He also does not have an extremely high sex drive. This was an issue I posted on here some time ago now, and I knew it would be an ongoing one. We've been steadily working on some of the insecurities he harbors. However, once again, a lot of that work came to a standstill once he left. Seems he has regressed some in that time.

Alvy, thank you for your ideas. Sadly, traveling in the near, even somewhat later future is likely to be an impossibility. My boyfriend has taken his police academy enrollment exams and will be looking to head into the academy in the next 6 months or so. The next few years of his life will be dedicated to getting on the force and beginning his career. Also, after talking with him while he was away it seems he prefers the comfort of home over the adventure of travel. I backpacked through Europe for 4 months a couple of years ago, and loved every moment I was outside my comfort zone. I did not see this same zest for life in him while he was away. In fact, he grew quite depressed at times. I do thank you for the perspective though. This is a fact I should probably look at more carefully as he and I approach long-term status.

Nice dinner in a hot air balloon sounds exciting and scary, but very pricey. I do not have that kind of money, nor does he. I'm still working on rebuilding my life after I was laid off last year. However, I am saving some money for some kick ass seats for the Angels/Red Sox games in July.

[lahnnabell]

Thanks, asd. Funny you should say that. His new job is about 15 minutes down the street from my house. He'll be working as a server, so there are bound to be some nights he'll want to crash at my house. He's more than welcome, of course. That was kind of a lucky break though. The job market in San Diego is still very awful, so I would support him finding a job wherever he can get one while he awaits the go-ahead from the Academy. He used to crash at my house a lot last year while he was working near downtown San Diego since my house was on the way back to his.

Thanks for the perspective on my roommate. She knows how much we love each other, so I wouldn't be surprised if she's a tad jealous. I had to listen to her tirades of all the sucky men in her life for the past few months. I think I will stop going to her for support if all she's going to do is bring me down.

[DominicPaolo]

I completely understand your situation. When my girlfriend and I started dating, we were so excited about each other. There was never a dull moment when we were together. But as months passed by, we felt like the spark or the romantic fire started fading little by little. This was 2 years ago by the way. So there I was, I tried to solve the problem but just could not. So I contacted my friend and I told him what his secret was since whenever I see him and his girlfriend, they look like they are the happiest couple on earth. You know what he answered to me? He said, "You gotta do your research when it comes to being romantic." Then it hit me. I knew it. Romance was lost in our relationship. That was the problem. Then my friend said, "Check this book called Creative Date Ideas and Rekindling the Fire in your relationship. This is my secret." So I checked it out, bought the eBook and downloaded it.

Guess what happened next? I knew what the problem was! All thanks to the book and my friend! It was in the romance. We lacked romance. The book thought me so much and I couldn't live without it anymore. If you would like to check it out, [URL="http://romanticdateideas.org/go/300CreativeDateIdeas/"]Romantic Ideas[/URL] or you could go to this website for additional info :[URL="http://romanticdateideas.org/go/300CreativeDateIdeas/"] Romantic Dates[/URL] and Relationships.

[SirWagginston]

I completely understand your situation. When my girlfriend and I started dating, we were so excited about each other. There was never a dull moment when we were together. But as months passed by, we felt like the spark or the romantic fire started fading little by little. This was 2 years ago by the way. So there I was, I tried to solve the problem but just could not. So I contacted my friend and I told him what his secret was since whenever I see him and his girlfriend, they look like they are the happiest couple on earth. You know what he answered to me? He said, "You gotta do your research when it comes to being romantic." Then it hit me. I knew it. Romance was lost in our relationship. That was the problem. Then my friend said, "Check this book called Creative Date Ideas and Rekindling the Fire in your relationship. This is my secret." So I checked it out, bought the eBook and downloaded it.

Guess what happened next? I knew what the problem was! All thanks to the book and my friend! It was in the romance. We lacked romance. The book thought me so much and I couldn't live without it anymore. If you would like to check it out, [URL="http://romanticdateideas.org/go/300CreativeDateIdeas/"]Romantic Ideas[/URL] or you could go to this website for additional info :[URL="http://romanticdateideas.org/go/300CreativeDateIdeas/"] Romantic Dates[/URL] and Relationships.

How much are you getting paid for this?

[NBT]

I'm actually kind of unsure as to what you need?

You talked to your boyfriend, the conversation went well, and you plan to move forward while working on fixing your issues.

What's the problem?

The only reason you should even CONSIDER your friend's argument is if YOU want to spend every day with your boyfriend. DO you?

If so, then you can wonder why he doesn't. But if YOU want some "me time" TOO, then you don't NEED to be together every day. NOR do you need to wonder why HE doesn't.

Just do what is right for you.


I WILL say that your partner saying "I need some ALONE time" (i.e. SPACE) sometimes can spark some concern (i.e. why am I content with being with him every day, but HE ISN'T? Does that mean I want this more?)

But those things can cause you to stress yourself more than you NEED to.


If it gets to a point where it DOESN'T seem like he wants to see you a lot AT ALL, then you have an issue.

But if he's still calling, skyping, IM'ing, and visiting you (or asking YOU to visit) you have no worries at this present time.

Always remember: the more space you give someone, the less they want it.

In other words, give him all the space he wants and THEN some. (Don't go OVERBOARD, but limit your calls and IMs, unless HE INITIATES it.)

VERY SOON, you will see that instead of SPACE now, he wants more INITIATIVE and EFFORT made by his WOMAN (i.e. YOU)

[lahnnabell]

I'm actually kind of unsure as to what you need?

You talked to your boyfriend, the conversation went well, and you plan to move forward while working on fixing your issues.

What's the problem?

The only reason you should even CONSIDER your friend's argument is if YOU want to spend every day with your boyfriend. DO you?

I don't want to spend every day with him. I spend a lot of time working and earning money and going out with my friends. Gonna get back into working out too.

If so, then you can wonder why he doesn't. But if YOU want some "me time" TOO, then you don't NEED to be together every day. NOR do you need to wonder why HE doesn't.

Just do what is right for you.

I WILL say that your partner saying "I need some ALONE time" (i.e. SPACE) sometimes can spark some concern (i.e. why am I content with being with him every day, but HE ISN'T? Does that mean I want this more?)

But those things can cause you to stress yourself more than you NEED to.


If it gets to a point where it DOESN'T seem like he wants to see you a lot AT ALL, then you have an issue.

Right. I agree. It's not that he doesn't want to see me AT ALL, but for now he wants us to spend time together that actually matters. He feels rather depressed at the thought of me coming over when he was planning on doing nothing in particular. I'm happy to chill with him, but he said he feels like he's being a bad boyfriend when he has me over when he's interested in chilling out solo.

But if he's still calling, skyping, IM'ing, and visiting you (or asking YOU to visit) you have no worries at this present time.

Always remember: the more space you give someone, the less they want it.

In other words, give him all the space he wants and THEN some. (Don't go OVERBOARD, but limit your calls and IMs, unless HE INITIATES it.)

VERY SOON, you will see that instead of SPACE now, he wants more INITIATIVE and EFFORT made by his WOMAN (i.e. YOU)

I'm pretty much gonna leave the ball in his court right now. I have work to keep my occupied for sure. I'm pretty sure I was doing too much pursuing after he got back. He even said that he'd always have a message from me before he could even click on my name on his IM screen. Him driving to me isn't very feasible right now. He has virtually no money to waste on gas, and his car isn't as fuel efficient as mine is. Not to mention San Diego county is rather large. He lives about 20 miles away from me right now.

I make decent money right now, but even I can't be making extra trips to the gas station each week. Things are kinda tight, so I'll just have to be patient with this situation.

Thanks for the feedback

[phys251]

My guess is that you like being around him, a lot. And he likes some distance--not all the time, but a fair bit. The solution to that? I think you two have to figure that one out. Personally, when I'm faced with a situation such as this, I hate dragging it out. Find something that works for both of us and then do it, I say.

I can relate to the whole "several months apart with nothing but Skype" issue. Unfortunately, it was the final nail in the coffin that drove me and my ex apart. (But that's just how it played out for me.)