Need advice badly case of history repeating itself - My story

This is quite long so I apologize but hopefully someone can help! Thanks in advance for taking the time to read/reply it means so much.

Basically, I've known my current GF for 5 years but we've only been dating for over a year, except we've been very close for those 5 years. Anyways, last year (july of 2009) she broke up with her boyfriend because she had feelings for me, and I had feelings for her. Well, I've never been in a serious relationship before so I sort of freaked out. For the first time in my life I had a serious issue with anxiety. It happened as soon as she broke up with her boyfriend and we started dating. I of course had deep feelings for her but my anxiety(which turned into depression) was masking those feelings. I kept on searching for answers as to why I felt all this anxiety. I came to the conclusion that I didn't actually love her and I ended up breaking up with her, only it took 2 months to finally actually break up with her. During those 2 months, I've had ups and downs. Whenever I was up and feeling OK around her, I'd all of the sudden get a bout of anxiety/depression because I was in a pattern. Whenever I felt good, in the back of my head I knew the anxiety would come back and ruin everything. Everytime I felt anxious/depressed I'd tell her about it and it would turn into this huge thing with crying and general feeling like complete ass on both parts. This went on for 2 months until I had enough and ended it. It really destroyed her.

We only broke up for 1 month though and here's why. I basically was fine after we broke up, it was such a giant relief and I was able to put my life back together and was completely OK. I never went 1 day without thinking about her though, and after a few weeks, I started to REALLY miss her. I missed everything about her. At the expense of sounding like a complete wuss lol I'll say that I missed her voice, her touch, her scent, her family, her dog and cat EVERYTHING. Then I started kicking myself in the ass because I knew that I still did love her. I just was searching for an excuse to leave her because in reality I was actually SCARED of being in a relationship.

We got back together near the end of october of 2009. Everything was great, I felt reborn. I felt we were different people, grown up, mature. I even on a few occasions found myself thinking about us actually getting married and having kids together and it actually made me feel GOOD. Everything in life was great. I had my girl, I had a good job, my friends and family were there etc..

Fast forward to july 20th 2010. We had got into a big fight about something(forgot what it was, but it was one those fights that lasts a few hours and couples always get once in a while) well whenever we fight like that, it takes us about a week or so to feel normal again because it sort of lingers around for a while. Well a week passed, and it was on the evening of july 27th 2010 that it hit me. Out of nowhere, I had a huge anxiety attack. That scared the hell out of me. What was happening? Was the same sort of events unfolding AGAIN?! Are we going to go through hell again costing our relationship with eachother AGAIN?! This thought consumed me, I felt the same feelings as I did the previous year. These feelings lasted for a while. I finally calmed after a couple weeks but things still didn't seem right. It felt like things were different even though I didn't tell her what I was going through. I never told her because that would've been the nail in the coffin for us. It would've been the EXACT same thing all over again.

Fast forward to september. I got a new co-op job for 4 months in a different city that I didn't like. I took the job only because I couldn't find a job position that I wanted to be in and the start date for co-op was fast approaching and I just took what I could get. Big mistake. I hate my job. Everything about it I hated. I also had a bad vibe from the house I was living in which didn't help the matter. I seriously thought this was a test or something. A test of my will. I knew in my heart I loved her to pieces and that if I broke up with her again, thatd be pretty much it, I'd lose her forever. I knew that if I broke up with her again, then in a month or so I'd go back to missing her because it wasn't really her that was the issue, it was me.

I tried my best to keep my anxiety/depression to myself but it got worse whenever she wanted to become intimate. I did the whole oh I'm tired routine (which I was, anxiety takes a lot out of you) but I knew I couldn't do it forever. Sometimes I'd force myself to do it but it wasn't good and I couldn't finish off if you know what I mean.

When asked what was wrong I broke down telling her my job was really depressing me. She took it well, she said she'd try and help me out. She didn't really help becuase there's nothing she could do about my living/work situations but she was supportive.

Anyway, as the months went by, I found myself sort of climbing out of my depression. I had more sex drive and I was finally starting to get back on my feet. And that's when we got into our big fight last week.

But yea, here I am now. Sort of stuck. The depression/anxiety isn't as intense as it was a few months ago but it still sucks more because now it's sort of her that I feel resentment towards.

Breaking up with her isn't something I want to do at all. I know that if I do, I'll regret it later. This fight we had last week hit me hard because I knew I was putting her through crap because of my depression and also because I FINALLY felt like myself again and thought that I could finally go on with my relationship happier than ever because all my efforts of fighting this paid off! But after that, I feel defeated. I don't know if I can muster the strength to do this all over again.

Bringing it up to her will only open up the wound which I don't even know is healing. I need to give it a few weeks to see where this will go. 1 thing that is holding me back is the fact that I don't want her to hurt. I don't want to put her through my crap.


I've decided that I'm going to see my counselor at school. I'm very skeptical about this however. What can she possibly say that I haven't thought of?

If she says: You need to communicate to your girlfriend...well I've tried that last year and that just sent my anxiety/depression through the roof. My problem is, HOW can I go on with the relationship when we both are so aware of the problems? HOW? How can you go back to being OK when something like this is looming over? I tried it last year but every second felt like both of us was walking on eggshells and it became extremely awkward all the time.

The problem is clearly me. There is something wrong with me and dealing with communication. I don't know what it is but if I say what I'm feeling I feel like it's just so out in the open, we're both so aware of the problem it's a giant elephant in the room. How can I possibly focus on anything else other than the apparent problem?

It has nothing to do with love, or losing feelings for her because the last time I broke up with her for a month (after having time to collect myself) I instantly began to miss her.

It's the feeling of complete hopelessness especially after going through 4 months of depression and then getting shot down by that massive fight last week JUST when I thought I was over it.

..anyone :(

I'm very familiar with depression. I grew up with a manic depressive mother and it was very difficult. To this day I still have to deal with some of her episodes of freak outs, anxiety, etc. Reality check: You have this disorder for life and it's all about maintaining it. You definitely have to change your attitude about see a counselor. You will be needing it forever, and you will be needing medications in order to control it. I suggest you find yourself a good doctor too to monitor your attacks and adjust your meds. If you ignore this help, your problem will only get worse over time. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself....I hope you make the right decisions.

That is horrible advice. How can you say this person is depressive? He clearly tells you how normally he functions without this girl. I think you and I have the same problem, which is that our first real relationship became very serious very quickly, and that it was perhaps a little premature in terms of personal maturity.