Two years ago I met a guy (I was 23, he was 26) at a banquet that I had accompanied his friend to. Instantly, there was chemistry. I dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that, but I definitely believe in the overwhelming power of chemistry. Not only was he physically attractive, and clearly had certain qualitites I like in a guy, but he had an attitude about him that immediately made me want to know him more. To be fair, I was his friend's date. And there was another girl with us, who I presumed was his date. It wasn't until mid-way through that I found out that the girl was simply a placeholder, like I was for my date. There was no attraction there. Anyway, as the night went on, and I was certain he was single, I began to test the waters. I can be, by nature, very sarcastic and dry humored. Some people can roll with it, some get pissy. He rolled with it, and gave it right back. We ended up having a good night, the four of us. Of course, it was a delicate situation because I knew my date was into me, but I really wanted to get to know his friend. The night ended, with no number exchanging, just "nice to meet yous" . The next evening, I received a message on Facebook with some dry remark from him about the night before. I was elated. He had found me and clearly wanted to talk to me! However, I played it cool. I knew his type. And I could tell he liked the chase. We began to message back and forth over the course of a few days, he then asked for my number and we began texting and calling. Always him making the first move.He was the exact type of person I wanted to date. He had every quality I look for in a person. Physically and otherwise.
We began to spend time together over the next few weeks. He'd come visit me (I was still in college, he had graduated) or I would visit him in our hometown (yes, go figure.) He got to know my friends and I, his. We were literally spending days on end together. I was falling very, very hard.However, I was very guarded. It takes a lot for me to completely trust someone. But he began to show me that I could let my guard down. I started to trust him. He hadnt done anything to make me think otherwise.
Then, after about 4 months of us "hanging out", neither of us had declared bf/gf status... he went on a cross country trip with his cousin to visit family. I was busy with summer school, and though I missed him, Ive never been the clingy type, so I told him to have fun and was fine with it, as long as I heard from him at night or whatever. He was gone for about a week when I began to get suspicious. I could just tell something had changed. Two nights in a row he failed to call me. I tried to play it off, he was on vacation, having fun, etc, etc. But it was so unlike him. I wasn't used to it.
When he got back to town, I had gotten over my suspicions and just wanted to see him, and he seemed to want the same from me. We had a wedding to go to the weekend he got back, and it was fine. I spent the night with him, but I remember him taking a phone call outside that night. Bells. Alarms. Whistles. He played it off, saying it was his friend. I knew better. But i so desperately wanted to believe him, that I did. The next morning, strange texts from a girl's name. I called him out on it, he said it was his "cousin". BS. Doubt started to creep in. In turn, I began to question more, even though I didn't really want the truth. I let myself believe him. Then one morning, about 3 days after the friend/cousin calls and texts started, he was taking me home and being so cold to me. I felt the turn. I'm not an idiot. He was so callous to me. He dropped me off at my house, and there was no kiss goodbye, no hug, nothing. I convinced myself he was in a bad mood and that was all. Oh how we can convince ourselves of anything when we don't want to see the truth, right?
Then he disappeared. Literally disappeared. No calls, no texts, nothing at all that day. Or the next. At first I tried to contact him. Those went unanswered. I figured I would be strong, I didnt need to talk to him. If he could just completely cut himself off from me with no reasoning, I could do the same. I am very stubborn. As is he. He rodeos a lot, so I knew he wasn't always by his phone. Busy with his buddies, doing stuff like that. Of course he'd always had time in the past... but now, nothing. Silence for 4 days. Crickets. Then, one night after convincing myself I needed to try just one last time, he answered me after I simply said "hey". All he said back was "roping" (as in, he was rodeoing). I didnt try again, and he didnt either. I couldnt believe it was actually happening. Were we broken up? Could we be broken up if we had never actually declared bf/gf status with each other? What the Hell kind of limbo was this? It was all new to me. And absolutely heartbreaking. No explaination, no nothing. I was simply left out in the cold. With a million thoughts running through my head. What had I done? I came up with nothing. I couldn't think of a single thing that I did that would allow someone to treat someone else this way.
Then it set it. We were done. Id have to deal with it. Accept it. Though I had no closure, at all, I still had to go on with my life. I did a lot of crying. Analyzing. Overanalyzing. Trying to figure out what was so wrong with me that I deserved this kind of ending, and quite literally, out of nowhere. I was head over heels for this guy. And to be quite honest, everyone thought he was the same for me.And now he was gone. And I was left to deal with it. Of course, deep down, I knew there was a girl. The strange behavior, the texts, the phone calls, it all made sense. But I, like most, didn't want to think that was what had happened. That he could just discard me, with no feeling whatsoever, for someone else.
After about 3 weeks of complete silence from him, and, because I am very stubborn, no contact to him on my part either, I ran into his friend. I casually asked how he was, (ensuring that he wasn't dead or something tragic that I was never informed of... right.. so likely, hah) and he told me that he was fine. I know I shouldn't have, but I just couldn't help myself... I told his friend what had happened, how he disappeared, etc. (as if his friend didn't know...sure). He told me that was typical behavior on his friend's part. He did it to all of them. He'd just disappaear on people only to come back around after whatever confrontation had passed. So... he was avoiding telling me about the girl and ending things with me like a man, obviously. At least now i knew some part of the twisted story.
The next day, I received a text from him that said, "im so sorry. what i did was chicken shit. you didnt deserve it. please dont hate me." First reaction: utter joy. He had contacted me, he must want to talk to me. Second reaction: was this genuine? Or had it been the result of me talking to his friend the night before? I'm not one to hold a grudge, and I really, really, missed him. I told him I was very upset and confused. But that I forgave him. He called late that night, we talked and it seemed as if nothing had happened after a while. however, through the persuasion of all my friends (who now very much disliked him for doing this to me...) I told him that he was not to call me the next day, or ever again, if he didn't want something "real" out of this. No more gray area. We are either bf/gf, or nothing. I couldn't continue to deal with it like I had before. All the next day I worried I'd been too demanding, too forward. That it may've scared him off. I was a wreck. But all my friends told me that if he really wanted to be with me, he'd call.
He called. I was sure that since he'd called, it meant he was agreeing to the terms. We would be an "official" couple. Extreme happiness. I didn't want to harp on it, so I made no mention of it that night, but knew it my heart it'd be okay. The next day, conversation was strained. I could, once again, feel a difference. But didn't understand. Why would he've called me the night before if he didn't want to be with me?! Over the next two days or so, phone calls got farther apart. Eventually, he stopped. It was happening again. And less than a week after I'd given him a second chance. I was so mad at myself. He'd completely disappeared again, with no goodbye or anything to me. Just gone.
This time, I knew what was happening. Obviously I was completely destroyed, but I wouldn't contact him again. I had more self respect than that. About a month later, I ran into his friend again. I refused to let myself ask about him. But, everyone has their weakness and I thought I was being an "adult" and "mature" by asking how he was. He had a girlfriend. One he had met when he'd gone out of state the first time. I wanted to vomit. But I played it cool. I guess I knew deep down anyway. That however, didn't keep me from falling apart the moment I got home. Luckily, I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for, and they were there to pick me back up again.
Fast forward 4 months. Was beginning to get back to normal. Didn't think about him every waking minute. Then, in late October, got a phone call from him. Not a text, not a facebook message (not that he could message me anyway, I'd blocked him... part of the "proactive" things my friends convinced me to do), a phone call. He always was very bold. Of course, curious and very scared, I answered. We began talking, quite shakily. I had no idea what he wanted, and while happy to talk to him, I had my guard up 100%. No way was he just going to get back into my life like nothing had happened! We began talking again. I had no idea what was happening. I refused to ask if he still had a gf. This went on for about a month. I found out he'd just ended things with his gf. No wonder he was calling me. I was a little mad at myself, but also, maybe pathetically, happy we were talking again.
We hung out a few times, the phone calls started again, the texts, it felt like it had before. I was happy. I knew me and him had a connection that was unlike any other I'd ever had with a guy. I felt more connected to him than I had with the guy I'd dated for 3.5 years. It was that strong. And it was back. He'd missed me. Knew he made a mistake. He'd apologized. Everything would be okay.
I was constantly on guard, though. I couldnt bare to let myself get hurt again. And by him, nonetheless. I was conflicted. I'm a strong person, I wouldn't let someone just run all over me. But I was so into him. I wanted it to work. By December, I was sure we were back on the track to getting back together. Then I found out that he wouldn't be in town for Christmas. Because he was going to visit his (new to me) girlfriend. The out of state one. I was devastated. He'd made zero mention of her since he'd started talknig to me again. Zero. And now he was going to visit her for Christmas and New Years Eve?! What the Hell?! How could I let myself be so stupid. He was obviously hiding her for some reason. And the reason was that he knew I wouldn't talk to him or hang out with him if I'd known he was with her. Shady. However, in both of our defenses, we had not been physical. No kissing, nothing. We were hanging out, and it was very flirtatious and fun, but it hadn't gotten back to that point again. There was the occassional physical contact, and the tension was undeniable, but that's as far as it went. Thank God. I can't imagine how I'd feel having known that now he had a gf again, one that I'd known nothing about!
I tried to make myself think that it was okay, me and him were not together, he was entitled to have this gf. I could see whoever I wanted (though I truly only wanted to see him). I had moved about 5 hours away that January, it was my "post college experience" and i thanked God that at least I wouldn't have to run into him and I'd be too busy exploring this new city to be thinking of him all the time. So, I just came to terms with the fact that he had her again. He still called me, we still texted, etc. When he'd go visit her, there would be silence between the two of us, I wasnt going to text him just to be ignored (and in some weird way, I had convinced myself that she deserved his full attention, seeings how they lived states apart) and he didn't text me (presumably, which was later confirmed, because she had no idea I even existed). The moment he landed back at home, he'd call me. Literally. A lot of the times I could still hear the airport intercom announcements. I just knew he must still want me. So, I'd hold out.
It was understood between the two of us that he was never to talk about "her". Even though we weren't doing anything wrong, there was no infidelity, I still felt shady. He would call me late at night, after he'd talked to her and talk to me for 2 hours and tell me goodnight. He'd text me "good morning" in the morning. I was, most definitely, in an emotional relationship with him. It made me feel uneasy, but I didn't really feel as if I was the one doing anything wrong. He was the one calling me, texting me, talking to me. I've never been the type to pursue relationships with guys who have gfs. It's not my style. I kept telling myself I wasn't doing anything wrong. He wanted to talk to me. He liked talking to me. But in reality, I was doing myself such an injustice. I was holding onto to someone who knew he could have me, but was still choosing to date someone who lived 3000 miles away and have me "on the side" (emotionally), if you will.
We continued on like this for several months. Me, just avoiding the fact that he had a gf and didnt reallllly want me, and him, pretending that everything was okay the way it was. We were getting along fine. Except I wanted him. i wanted to be with him. I was falling for him again.
