need unbiased opinion...

[owlet]

Two years ago I met a guy (I was 23, he was 26) at a banquet that I had accompanied his friend to. Instantly, there was chemistry. I dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that, but I definitely believe in the overwhelming power of chemistry. Not only was he physically attractive, and clearly had certain qualitites I like in a guy, but he had an attitude about him that immediately made me want to know him more. To be fair, I was his friend's date. And there was another girl with us, who I presumed was his date. It wasn't until mid-way through that I found out that the girl was simply a placeholder, like I was for my date. There was no attraction there. Anyway, as the night went on, and I was certain he was single, I began to test the waters. I can be, by nature, very sarcastic and dry humored. Some people can roll with it, some get pissy. He rolled with it, and gave it right back. We ended up having a good night, the four of us. Of course, it was a delicate situation because I knew my date was into me, but I really wanted to get to know his friend. The night ended, with no number exchanging, just "nice to meet yous" . The next evening, I received a message on Facebook with some dry remark from him about the night before. I was elated. He had found me and clearly wanted to talk to me! However, I played it cool. I knew his type. And I could tell he liked the chase. We began to message back and forth over the course of a few days, he then asked for my number and we began texting and calling. Always him making the first move.He was the exact type of person I wanted to date. He had every quality I look for in a person. Physically and otherwise.

We began to spend time together over the next few weeks. He'd come visit me (I was still in college, he had graduated) or I would visit him in our hometown (yes, go figure.) He got to know my friends and I, his. We were literally spending days on end together. I was falling very, very hard.However, I was very guarded. It takes a lot for me to completely trust someone. But he began to show me that I could let my guard down. I started to trust him. He hadnt done anything to make me think otherwise.

Then, after about 4 months of us "hanging out", neither of us had declared bf/gf status... he went on a cross country trip with his cousin to visit family. I was busy with summer school, and though I missed him, Ive never been the clingy type, so I told him to have fun and was fine with it, as long as I heard from him at night or whatever. He was gone for about a week when I began to get suspicious. I could just tell something had changed. Two nights in a row he failed to call me. I tried to play it off, he was on vacation, having fun, etc, etc. But it was so unlike him. I wasn't used to it.

When he got back to town, I had gotten over my suspicions and just wanted to see him, and he seemed to want the same from me. We had a wedding to go to the weekend he got back, and it was fine. I spent the night with him, but I remember him taking a phone call outside that night. Bells. Alarms. Whistles. He played it off, saying it was his friend. I knew better. But i so desperately wanted to believe him, that I did. The next morning, strange texts from a girl's name. I called him out on it, he said it was his "cousin". BS. Doubt started to creep in. In turn, I began to question more, even though I didn't really want the truth. I let myself believe him. Then one morning, about 3 days after the friend/cousin calls and texts started, he was taking me home and being so cold to me. I felt the turn. I'm not an idiot. He was so callous to me. He dropped me off at my house, and there was no kiss goodbye, no hug, nothing. I convinced myself he was in a bad mood and that was all. Oh how we can convince ourselves of anything when we don't want to see the truth, right?

Then he disappeared. Literally disappeared. No calls, no texts, nothing at all that day. Or the next. At first I tried to contact him. Those went unanswered. I figured I would be strong, I didnt need to talk to him. If he could just completely cut himself off from me with no reasoning, I could do the same. I am very stubborn. As is he. He rodeos a lot, so I knew he wasn't always by his phone. Busy with his buddies, doing stuff like that. Of course he'd always had time in the past... but now, nothing. Silence for 4 days. Crickets. Then, one night after convincing myself I needed to try just one last time, he answered me after I simply said "hey". All he said back was "roping" (as in, he was rodeoing). I didnt try again, and he didnt either. I couldnt believe it was actually happening. Were we broken up? Could we be broken up if we had never actually declared bf/gf status with each other? What the Hell kind of limbo was this? It was all new to me. And absolutely heartbreaking. No explaination, no nothing. I was simply left out in the cold. With a million thoughts running through my head. What had I done? I came up with nothing. I couldn't think of a single thing that I did that would allow someone to treat someone else this way.

Then it set it. We were done. Id have to deal with it. Accept it. Though I had no closure, at all, I still had to go on with my life. I did a lot of crying. Analyzing. Overanalyzing. Trying to figure out what was so wrong with me that I deserved this kind of ending, and quite literally, out of nowhere. I was head over heels for this guy. And to be quite honest, everyone thought he was the same for me.And now he was gone. And I was left to deal with it. Of course, deep down, I knew there was a girl. The strange behavior, the texts, the phone calls, it all made sense. But I, like most, didn't want to think that was what had happened. That he could just discard me, with no feeling whatsoever, for someone else.

After about 3 weeks of complete silence from him, and, because I am very stubborn, no contact to him on my part either, I ran into his friend. I casually asked how he was, (ensuring that he wasn't dead or something tragic that I was never informed of... right.. so likely, hah) and he told me that he was fine. I know I shouldn't have, but I just couldn't help myself... I told his friend what had happened, how he disappeared, etc. (as if his friend didn't know...sure). He told me that was typical behavior on his friend's part. He did it to all of them. He'd just disappaear on people only to come back around after whatever confrontation had passed. So... he was avoiding telling me about the girl and ending things with me like a man, obviously. At least now i knew some part of the twisted story.

The next day, I received a text from him that said, "im so sorry. what i did was chicken shit. you didnt deserve it. please dont hate me." First reaction: utter joy. He had contacted me, he must want to talk to me. Second reaction: was this genuine? Or had it been the result of me talking to his friend the night before? I'm not one to hold a grudge, and I really, really, missed him. I told him I was very upset and confused. But that I forgave him. He called late that night, we talked and it seemed as if nothing had happened after a while. however, through the persuasion of all my friends (who now very much disliked him for doing this to me...) I told him that he was not to call me the next day, or ever again, if he didn't want something "real" out of this. No more gray area. We are either bf/gf, or nothing. I couldn't continue to deal with it like I had before. All the next day I worried I'd been too demanding, too forward. That it may've scared him off. I was a wreck. But all my friends told me that if he really wanted to be with me, he'd call.

He called. I was sure that since he'd called, it meant he was agreeing to the terms. We would be an "official" couple. Extreme happiness. I didn't want to harp on it, so I made no mention of it that night, but knew it my heart it'd be okay. The next day, conversation was strained. I could, once again, feel a difference. But didn't understand. Why would he've called me the night before if he didn't want to be with me?! Over the next two days or so, phone calls got farther apart. Eventually, he stopped. It was happening again. And less than a week after I'd given him a second chance. I was so mad at myself. He'd completely disappeared again, with no goodbye or anything to me. Just gone.

This time, I knew what was happening. Obviously I was completely destroyed, but I wouldn't contact him again. I had more self respect than that. About a month later, I ran into his friend again. I refused to let myself ask about him. But, everyone has their weakness and I thought I was being an "adult" and "mature" by asking how he was. He had a girlfriend. One he had met when he'd gone out of state the first time. I wanted to vomit. But I played it cool. I guess I knew deep down anyway. That however, didn't keep me from falling apart the moment I got home. Luckily, I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for, and they were there to pick me back up again.

Fast forward 4 months. Was beginning to get back to normal. Didn't think about him every waking minute. Then, in late October, got a phone call from him. Not a text, not a facebook message (not that he could message me anyway, I'd blocked him... part of the "proactive" things my friends convinced me to do), a phone call. He always was very bold. Of course, curious and very scared, I answered. We began talking, quite shakily. I had no idea what he wanted, and while happy to talk to him, I had my guard up 100%. No way was he just going to get back into my life like nothing had happened! We began talking again. I had no idea what was happening. I refused to ask if he still had a gf. This went on for about a month. I found out he'd just ended things with his gf. No wonder he was calling me. I was a little mad at myself, but also, maybe pathetically, happy we were talking again.

We hung out a few times, the phone calls started again, the texts, it felt like it had before. I was happy. I knew me and him had a connection that was unlike any other I'd ever had with a guy. I felt more connected to him than I had with the guy I'd dated for 3.5 years. It was that strong. And it was back. He'd missed me. Knew he made a mistake. He'd apologized. Everything would be okay.

I was constantly on guard, though. I couldnt bare to let myself get hurt again. And by him, nonetheless. I was conflicted. I'm a strong person, I wouldn't let someone just run all over me. But I was so into him. I wanted it to work. By December, I was sure we were back on the track to getting back together. Then I found out that he wouldn't be in town for Christmas. Because he was going to visit his (new to me) girlfriend. The out of state one. I was devastated. He'd made zero mention of her since he'd started talknig to me again. Zero. And now he was going to visit her for Christmas and New Years Eve?! What the Hell?! How could I let myself be so stupid. He was obviously hiding her for some reason. And the reason was that he knew I wouldn't talk to him or hang out with him if I'd known he was with her. Shady. However, in both of our defenses, we had not been physical. No kissing, nothing. We were hanging out, and it was very flirtatious and fun, but it hadn't gotten back to that point again. There was the occassional physical contact, and the tension was undeniable, but that's as far as it went. Thank God. I can't imagine how I'd feel having known that now he had a gf again, one that I'd known nothing about!

I tried to make myself think that it was okay, me and him were not together, he was entitled to have this gf. I could see whoever I wanted (though I truly only wanted to see him). I had moved about 5 hours away that January, it was my "post college experience" and i thanked God that at least I wouldn't have to run into him and I'd be too busy exploring this new city to be thinking of him all the time. So, I just came to terms with the fact that he had her again. He still called me, we still texted, etc. When he'd go visit her, there would be silence between the two of us, I wasnt going to text him just to be ignored (and in some weird way, I had convinced myself that she deserved his full attention, seeings how they lived states apart) and he didn't text me (presumably, which was later confirmed, because she had no idea I even existed). The moment he landed back at home, he'd call me. Literally. A lot of the times I could still hear the airport intercom announcements. I just knew he must still want me. So, I'd hold out.

It was understood between the two of us that he was never to talk about "her". Even though we weren't doing anything wrong, there was no infidelity, I still felt shady. He would call me late at night, after he'd talked to her and talk to me for 2 hours and tell me goodnight. He'd text me "good morning" in the morning. I was, most definitely, in an emotional relationship with him. It made me feel uneasy, but I didn't really feel as if I was the one doing anything wrong. He was the one calling me, texting me, talking to me. I've never been the type to pursue relationships with guys who have gfs. It's not my style. I kept telling myself I wasn't doing anything wrong. He wanted to talk to me. He liked talking to me. But in reality, I was doing myself such an injustice. I was holding onto to someone who knew he could have me, but was still choosing to date someone who lived 3000 miles away and have me "on the side" (emotionally), if you will.

We continued on like this for several months. Me, just avoiding the fact that he had a gf and didnt reallllly want me, and him, pretending that everything was okay the way it was. We were getting along fine. Except I wanted him. i wanted to be with him. I was falling for him again.

[owlet]

Around the end of May of this year, I was finally convinced that I needed to do something about the situation. My friends and family had told me I needed to make him make a decision. Because at this point, he was having his cake and eating it, too. He had his gf in the other state, and he had me, here. He clearly had a physical relationship with her, and a much stronger emotional one with me (he would even admit this and at one point told me it'd be so much easier if i could just be his "texas gf". he was joking, of course, he knew I'd never do that, but the sentiment was there.)

So in June I told him how I felt. it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. To make yourself so vulnerable, to lay your heart on the line for someone else to choose what to do with it. But it had to be done. I was beginnig to drive my friends crazy, talking about him all the time. So I just did it. One evening he called me, as per usual, and I told him to just listen to me for 3 minutes, to not say anything. I told him that I was into him. That i wanted to be with him. That I couldn't just go on being his friend. That listening to him complain about his gf to me all the time was heartbreaking because I knew he wasn't happy and that I wanted to be the one to be with him. But that until he was no longer with her, I couldn't subject myself to the torture anymore. I told him not to call me or text me anymore unless he'd broken up with her because it wasn't fair to me (or to her!). I told him that if he called me, that i'd answer, but he was only allowed to do so when he was single. Until then, I wished him the best, said goodbye, and then I hung up.

And miraculously, though my voice had wavered and my hands were shaking, I didn't cry while i was talking to him. However, i was a mess afterwards. I bawled to my mom, my best friend, my roommate. I was destroyed. What if he thought i was crazy? Totally out of place? Everyone said the same thing- that I had to do it. For my own sanity. That what he was doing was unfair to me. So then I waited. I knew deep down he wasn't going to break up with her because I had given him an ultimatum. But I held onto a shred of hope. Days went by. Nothing. Then weeks. Nothing. Then one day, out of the blue, he called. I didnt know what to do. He'd broken up with her! He was calling me! He wanted me! So, cautiously, I answered. I had to know if he'd broken things off with her, otherwise this would go nowhere. I asked him if he was still with her... he said yes. My heart dropped. I asked him why he was calling me then. He said because he missed me. Our friendship. Whatever. I, somehow, told him that I couldn't talk to him if he was still with her and hung up. Proud of myself I called everyone who was privy to this situation and they all told me i did the right thing. I was very sad, but also had stood up for myself.

But... he called again the next day. I didn't understand. I answered (of course... weakness) and he still hadn't ended things with her but wanted to talk to me! He didn't want to keep things going like this. Of course he didn't. He was emotionally involved with me. He had the best of both worlds with me and her. I tried my best to be strong, but in the end, I let him back in. I convinced myself it'd be okay and he'd see how much happier he was when I was around and soon enough he'd end things with her. Oh the things we tell ourselves...

By August I'd had enough again. It was, decidedly, unfair to me. He knew how I felt about him. Since the two months had passed that I'd told him my feelings again, he'd broken up with his gf. I just knew he wanted me. We began to get more emotionally involved. I knew everything about him. I knew his deep dark secrets. He knows mine. We get each other. We know exactly which buttons to push to piss each other off. We're both totally stubborn. We fight. We're very passionate. But we have chemistry. We always end back up where we started. We may stop talking for days, weeks, months, but we always end up back in each other's lives. There is something undeniably destined about our relationship. Anyway, by the end of August, I'd decided that it was obvious he didn't want me. He was single, I was single, he knew how i felt, but he wouldn't take that leap, and it was tearing me apart. We'd gotten into some fight about something ridiculous and not talked to each other for a week. I was fine. Beginning to heal a little. Come to terms with things. And he called out of the blue. Acting like nothing had happened. Which made me even more mad. He always just pretended like nothing had happened and I should just be able to get over things. Well, I didn't want to do that. So, I told him to forget my #, forget my name, and to forget we knew each other. Yes, it was dramatic, but I was very mad. Not sad like I'd been all the other times we cut contact off. Just mad that he thought he could come and go and do whatever he liked and have no consequences. This time he actually listened to me. I didnt hear from him at all. He didnt try to call me, text, didn't see him, didn't run into his friends, nothing.

I forced myself to date someone (J). He was a really nice guy. It reminded me what it was like to be adored. That there were actually guys out there who would put me first. I'd gotten so used to being on the back burner, I'd almost thought that's what was to be expected. But even as I was dating him, I missed the other guy. J and I had fun, but there was no passion, no chemistry. I didnt feel the way I shouldve felt. I was starting to miss my other guy. I knew i was backsliding and that needed to be stopped so I got my friends involved. By this point, they all hate him, so I knew they wouldn't let me contact him. Plus, like i said, Im stubborn. I wasnt going to contact him first. He'd made the mistake. He owed me the apology. I wasnt going to cave.

And then I did. Last month was his birthday. I wanted to show no hard feelings (and truth be told, because i really did miss him) so i texted him a simple happy birthday text. Two words. And got no reply. I couldn't believe he was going to be that much of an asshole to me, who was extending an olive branch, but I had my answer. We were done. At least it had ended with me being the bigger person.

A day went by. Then I got a text back from him. Saying thank you. It'd been 3 months since either of us had actually conversed. He admitted that I was the last person he'd expected to hear from, but was glad that he did. That he'd missed me. That the reason he didn't try to contact me all along was because I had, very explicitly, told him to never talk to me again (which, in his defense, i had done). We began talking again. I realized how much I really do miss him. Then one night, about a week after we'd started talking again, he became very serious and told me that he'd missed me so much while we didnt talk. That he didn't realize he would miss me that much, but that he wanted me to know that he HAD been sad and was glad we were speaking again.

It's been about a month since we started talking again. I know we are in a viscious cycle, and that if he really wanted to date me, that we'd be together by now. All my friends tell me that he's not putting me first. He still calls me all the time, we go out and on dates, but he wont commit. They say he's exhausting all other options and that maybe, after everyone else decides hes an ass, hell come back to me. So, heres my question and the reason I'm writing on this thread.... am I crazy? I can hardly talk to my friends about it anymore, they're all tired of my ramblings and sticking up for him, etc. only to watch him do what he does. I know he toys with me a lot, but I cannot help but think we are supposed to end up together (at the risk of sounding nuts...). Surely we wouldn't keep doing this back and forth if he didn't really have feelings for me... we wouldn't have this undeniable chemistry, this passion, this inability to stay away from each other.

What do I do? I really need an unbiased opinion...

[oldskool83]

only word.....goodbye

[MaidenMinx]

FFS!!!!!!! We didn't need to know the whole bloody story!!.

He's a jerk. Let him go and move on. Stop wasting time on someone who keeps proving he is not there for you.

[bulrush]

This story is way too long. Just summarize the bad points and good points, then ask your question. Here are my notes and comments so far.

He was gone for about a week when I began to get suspicious. I could just tell something had changed.

How did you know?

Were we broken up? Could we be broken up if we had never actually declared bf/gf status with each other? What the Hell kind of limbo was this?

You could have asked him, but you didn't.

So... he was avoiding telling me about the girl and ending things with me like a man, obviously.

Now you get it. He's a bit immature, and has poor communication.

I was sure that since he'd called, it meant he was agreeing to the terms.

You assume much, grasshopper.

[Boisdevie]

I'm sorry. I think I'm a nice guy but JEEZ we don't need your whole bloody life story. Please get to the point and we might reply.

[luvleegirl]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I read your entire post and I can most definitely relate. I'm currently in a similar situation.

I understand the whole strong connection issue you mentioned. That kind of chemistry seems almost impossible to find. We are much alike. I think you enjoy the chase. This guy knows that he can come back into your life and you"ll let him. You cannot do that. If you let him back in he's just going to hurt you again and again. This guy sounds like a womanizer... and he obviously can't figure out what he wants. You gave him an ultimatum, but you did not follow through. He knows you're weak.

You need to get over him so you can make room for someone else. He's getting in the way of that. You should be honest.. Tell him you know about his GF and dump his ass completely.. Do not contact him. Ignore him like he ignores you for days, weeks or months at a time- See how he likes it. From the sound of this, you will be much happier in the long run if you let him go. You deserve someone who will give you what you want and make you happy, don't you?

I've been dealing with the same kind of BS for a year. I like to consider myself a very strong-minded and independent person, but I keep letting this man back into my life knowing he's going to disappoint me. Nothing ever changes. He is not giving me the attention, love or support that I deserve. Not to be arrogant, but I do not have any problem attracting other men. I don't let him do this to me because I am desperate or I can't get anyone else.. In fact, I ruined a potentially good relationship with a really good, honest, commited guy for this asshole. I had convinced myself that he and I have this crazy connection... Nobody else makes me feel like he does when we are together. It's like an addiction to a cigarette. As soon as our time together ends and he vanishes again, I feel awful and I start hating myself for letting him back in after he so carelessly forgot to call me for a month.

I have to ask myself, "why am I letting this happen?" I put up with his crap. I let him treat me this way and I am scared of losing him and this "connection" we have? Does he really feel the same? If he does, why can't he commit to me? If he is not willing to commit to me, that simply tells me that he thinks he can do better. Maybe he's stringing me along, until he finds someone who he thinks he is more compatible with or whatever it is he's looking for. My decision is to let him go. He can go out and find something better suited, I suppose. When he finally pulls his head out of his own ass and realizes what he did have right under his nose, I will not be there for him. I have more self respect than that.

Is this guy really worth your happiness? It's not easy, but you have to realize what is going on here and figure out if this is what you really want for yourself. Whether he's a player or does not know how to communicate. It's hard work and it hurts. Let him go for now and do something that will make you happy. He is wasting your time and taking up space in your life. This will pass and you will be just fine. Take it as another lesson learned.

[owlet]

luvleegirl, you sound like the exact type of person that I am. I am strong willed, independent, and smart. I know exactly what I'm doing. And I know it's stupid. Your analogy of your relationship with that guy being like an addiction to a cigarette is exactly how I feel! I am sorry you had to deal with someone like this too, but it makes me feel less alone, like I'm not just some dumb girl who can't get over a guy. My friends, who are all well educated and good people, just don't understand how I can continue to put myself in this torturous position. I try to explain to them that it really, honestly, is like an addiction. And you hit the nail on the head, I do like a little bit of a chase, too. I don't want to be coddled and waited on hand and foot. I prefer to have a challenge. So much so that I think I misinterpret what he does as a "challenge" to me. And it's not. He simply just does not care. But even writing that and telling myself it every single day, I can't make myself believe it. Because, if he truly didn't care... why would he want to be around me, talk to me, etc? I know I have to cut contact off with him. I know it's toxic... and I know i deserve better. I have never in my life allowed anyone to treat me this way. But I've also never felt this way about another guy. Like you said, when you have a connection like this with someone, it's hard to let go, to believe you can feel this way with someone else who will give us what we need in a functional relationship. I greatly admire you for being able to take the steps you took and I can only hope that I can actually do the same! Thank you!

[MaidenMinx]

It's not that he doesn't 'care' it's a simple case of he is not as into you as you are into him. You give him ultimatums that he gets around easily. He KNOWS you are not going to stop giving him the attention he wants. Sure he probably finds you attractive and interesting but he doesn't want to be with you. There is a HUUUUUGE difference between wanting to be with someone and wanting someone to shower you with attention. He is playing games and you are playing by his rules. I thought you said you were smart?

[owlet]

I completely agree, MaidenMinx. He's an egotist. He likes attention. And clearly, I give it to him. BUT... I do not, in any way, shower him with it. The simple fact is that I put up with a lot of crap from him. Crap that most people wouldn't because I feel we have a connection, real or imagined. And yes, I do believe that I'm intelligent, but very, very dumb when it comes to him and matters of my heart. I think we're all guilty of that at some point.

[MaidenMinx]

Oh of course we are. I am one of the dumbest. :p
What I was trying to get through to you is that this is all one sided. What are you getting out of this other than a butt load of confusion and heartache?
He gets attention lavished upon him (regardless of how little you think you give him, all he need do is ask for it and it is there with all the adoration you can muster) from you without having to do anything but pick up the phone to get it. THEN he gets to go visit his girl friend for more.

I'm being blunt with you because you have asked for assistance that your friends have all been willing to give. Did you really want unbiased opinions or did you want someone to tell you what you want to hear?

Oh and something about the word but. But means everything I have said up until this point is just what you want to hear, every thing after this is the truth. By saying but you completely negate everything you have said before that.

[owlet]

No, I absolutely wanted an unbiased opinion. There is (with good reason) far too much bad blood between this guy and all my friends, so I had to make sure that it wasnt just their distaste for him that had them telling me to cut all ties with him. I greatly appreciate all the (needed) input I've gotten from everyone on here!

[bulrush]

I am strong willed, independent, and smart.

But not smart enough to ask him if you two are broke up or not?

when you have a connection like this with someone, it's hard to let go,

An emotional connection has nothing to do with compatibility. Or maturity. Maybe you lack experience with relationships. Or you simply lack good advice.

And yes, I do believe that I'm intelligent, but very, very dumb when it comes to him and matters of my heart.

So, you are "smart", but you let your heart make decisions for you? And you wonder why you're so hurt? Try to think it through. Is this guy good to you? Are you two compatible? If so, THEN let your heart have some fun.