Lost hope

I used to be a very idealistic person what love is concerned. I used to love passionately and unconditionally. I tried to keep past bad experiences in my past and not let them influence my next relationship. Two years ago i finally cracked and don't seem to recover. My story is about 4 failed relationships. First one i was 17, it ended after 1 year when i found out his true love was actually not me but the other girl. at 21 i started another relationship. 3 years later i could not take the cheating anymore and left. at 26 another 1.5 years relationship ended for the same reason.
i kept thinking that not all men are like that, and that one day i will meet that someone who will have the same values as i have. when i was 26 i thought i had found him. we were very happy, and talking about marriage and children, he was there for me i thought...i could not have been more wrong...
in the beginning of 2011 at a routine checkup the doctor told me there is a chance i have cancer and that i should get surgery as soon as possible...she also told me that surgery would mean a chance of never being able to have children. i went to see 2 more doctors that said the same thing. finally the fourth doctor came with an alternative minimal invasive solution. he managed to take everything out. the result of the biopsy was not cancer but the very last step before it develops into one. i would have to have regular check-ups as the chance of it coming back stronger was pretty high. during all this hell i knew i had "my man" to count on for moral support. a month after my surgery, i found out he was having another woman on the side. i left him...
i had a bad breakdown and had to see a therapist. I decided to leave everything behind me and left the country. thought i would get better with a new start. it's been almost two years since that event. i don't seem to get any better.
I have lost my hope. I am afraid to trust again. i have ended up having casual relationships and one-night stands. i feel angry and empty inside and just don't care about anything and anyone anymore.
I am writing this just to get it off my chest. it is difficult for me to talk about my past. writing makes it easier...

Not sure how old you are, but you're not done growing up yet. Former idealists tend to become very cynical, but that cynicism is just another phase. In time, you will recognize that there are all kinds of people out there, and you can even meet some nice people who can be trusted or even loved.

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Originally Posted by VincenzoG91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Not sure how old you are, but you're not done growing up yet. Former idealists tend to become very cynical, but that cynicism is just another phase. In time, you will recognize that there are all kinds of people out there, and you can even meet some nice people who can be trusted or even loved.

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I hope you are right and it is just a phase. I am turning 30 pretty soon. That's probably also a reason for my worsening depression lately...

My advice is that loving unconditionally is dangerous. Unconditional love only belongs on parent/child relationships. I mean, even dogs - which are known for their unconditional love - don't truly love unconditionally. Even they wary of those who treat them badly.

You love should come with conditions: ie; being treated well, respected, cared for etc. If your basic conditions aren't met, then the love should stop.

Don't lose hope, you will find someone again as long as you don't stop looking, someone who will treat you right and not cheat on you. You have plenty of time to be happy.

When was the last time you went to therapy? Are you still going?

We use the word all the time. I hope it doesn't rain. I hope dinner will be good tonight. I hope this brownie doesn't make me fat. We use it so often that, like so many other weighty words, it's lost much of its impact. I looked it up just now because I love words and all their shades of meaning. The first was unsurprising.

1.A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

It makes sense that the first little candle throwing its light into the darkness of a new year is the one christened hope. Hope is that longing for something new, that breathless anticipation of something you can hardly bear to speak aloud.

The second definition was the one that set my heart spinning in my chest.

A person or thing that may help or save someone : Their only hope is surgery.

Hope is so much more than just a feeling, more than an idle wish or a passing desire. For so many, hope is all that's left when the rest of the world has turned away. Hope is what gives a mama strength to hide her baby in a back room rather than bury him in the forest when he's born with a cleft lip. Hope is what keeps a seventy year-old woman walking, all the way from one country to another, seeking help for the tumor growing on her hand. Hope is what whispers in the ear of a man as he lies awake at night, desperately wishing that someone would look past the scars on his face.

Hope is the light in the deepest night, the single flame in the face of crippling despair. It's the unwavering promise that, yes, salvation is possible, that there is a way out, no matter how dark the path might be.

Matthew wrote that nations would put their hope in the name of Jesus.

Is it any wonder that He called Himself the Light of the World?

I'm new to this Forum - the previous post posted by me is not my own words, I wish I had Ali's wisdom. Check out her blog - Ali's African Adventures, you need to read some of the stories there. Please.
H.O.P.E. = Hold On Pain Ends

I have honestly started to think that cheating in a relationship is actually considered normal nowadays. I have a lot of friends (male and female) who are cheating on their other halfs. some of them actually have the ok for that :shocked:. i feel like i am the last romantic left around.

It sounds to me like you are falling for the same type of men each time. You need to change the pattern. There are loyal honest men in this world who wont cheat on you. Look up the five different types of cheaters by Robert Weiss. Here is the link for you http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-weiss/men-cheating_b_1916104.html

You need to learn to spot the signs early and avoid getting too close until your sure you trust him. Are you the type to stick your head in the clouds and wear your heart on your sleeve? Do you become so infatuated that you overlook all his flaws in the beginning and start thinking weddings and babies early? If yes, you need to stop that. You should take your time sussing him out, really get to know him, talk about past relationships and future expectations. Try and figure out his overall opinion on cheating. How has he treated women in the past? Was he promiscuous before he met you? (men like that rarely ever change) has he ever cheated on someone before?

Seriously just open your eyes early-you will likely spot the signs early on if you know what they are. This keeps happening to you and the common denominator each time is you which means you are doing something wrong and I presume its just that you have bad taste in men.

Also stop this self destructive behavior. All you are doing is damaging your self-esteem further. And by behaving this way you are going to attract the wrong men each time. You need to be emotionally healthy and independent, confident with a positive attitude. That will attract the right man.

I wonder are you very naive, vulnerable, insecure and find it difficult to stand on your own two feet? If yes, you will attract men who take advantage of this each time. if they see you as weak or vulnerable they can use that to their advantage. Some men are predators and they look specifically for these characteristics just so they can mess you around and get away with it.

You need to have self respect so men will respect you.

I think you should stay away from men for awhile, focus on healing, get some counselling, learn to be happy on your own and surround yourself with good honest people that respect and care for you. Focus on your career and find some positive hobbies. You could join the gym or start a yoga class.

When you are ready you can take the time to really think about what you want in a man. Learn how to suss them out early.

Make sure he is confident with high self-esteem. This means he will be confident that he made the right choice in being with you and wont wonder is the grass greener.

Make sure he has a lot of inner strength. This means he will be there for you through the good times AND the bad times and wont bail on you when times get tough.

Make sure he has a lot of emotional intelligence and emotional maturity. This means he knows what he wants in a woman, he is aware of his own emotional needs and others and he has empathy for other people which means he wont hurt you.

Make sure he has a lot of integrity and loyalty. he should have close male friends that are also honest and loyal and treat women right. He should be close to his family especially his mother which means he respects women in general. He should be there for the people he cares about when they need him which means he will be there for you too. He should not sleep around and see women as sex objects. If he respects himself and women-he will respect you.

You will find the right man-you just need to make some positive changes and focus on healing.