Blaming myself for the breakup and it really hurts to be refused a second chance :(
I need your opinion on this story. I started dating a guy in the beginning of December and at first the relationship was amazing. I was coming out of a very tough relationship where I was in love with someone who wasn’t, and who treated me like a piece of disposable shit towards the end, and I was not expecting to fall in love with someone else so soon but he came and took my heart by surprise. Everything became so great, so fast. I remember he and I telling each other that every single time we were together we felt on top of the world. I mean, everything, from the talking, the laughing, the looking in each other’s eyes, the doing things together or just staying in bed all day, the sex,… litterally every . single . thing . was truly amazing !
It was insanely great and we started saying ‘I love you’ three weeks in the relationship. A month into the relationship, we had a pretty set routine : saw each other almost every day, he slept over at least two or three times a week, on days we didn’t hang out we would call each other sometimes an hour to talk over the phone, we would text each other sweet things at least 4 or 5 times a day,… Everything was so great that we both felt like what we were living was unique, like our love was a super-strength and one day, he told me 'I will always love you, I've never said this to anyone before but I will love you forever.' I remember telling my best friend the next day that I now knew for sure who I would spend my life with. I was so happy, and we started telling each other our love would last forever often. We sometimes spoke of getting married, not in a concrete/'let's set a date' kind of way but because of religious purposes (he's jewish and I'm not), and he seemed open to idea of one day tying the knot. One day, we even told each other we were 'The One' for one another. It was such a damn fairy tale.
And then one day, we had a very serious conversation where I ended up telling him about how in a couple of years we were going to settle, how he and I were building something very serious and concrete and 'grown-up'. And for a week, he was distant, different. I ended up asking why and he told me that that conversation had scared him, that saying 'I love you' and being there for me had become scary since then because he knew that for me, it meant that he was in this relationship for life. And he said he couldn't promise me that. I said I understood, that it was logical that things could end all of a sudden and that I knew this, and he said that he was glad we had this conversation and that things could now go back to normal. But they didn't, they never did. I started wondering why his views had changed suddenly, why he never said 'I will always love you' anymore, why he had gone from being sure I was the one to not being sure, and I started fearing I would lose him all the time. And so everyday I started feeling insecure for the littlest things and seeing my fears in everything, and I would share these daily insecurities with him, and need to be reassured all the time.
It took a toll on him because he would take the time to tell me I was just going crazy and that he still loved me, but then the next day I would get another reason to be afraid. Obviously, the time we spent together was not as magical, as a consequence of the constant arguing. Which was a vicious cycle because I felt that we were becoming less close, growing more distant, and it made my fears become greater and it was just horrible. The spark was gone, there were still some good times but it wasn't as perfect as it used to be, even the sex was becoming spark-less, our conversations too. We just weren't happy together anymore.
And then, after a little more than three weeks of this, after another argument about something he had done that had made me feel insecure, he told me something had broken inside of him, that he wasn't as much into the relationship as before and also said: 'And anyways, I'm too young and I've given it some thought, I know I will be with other girls after you'. I was so shocked, destroyed, and said 'Alright, then it's over'. He tried to fight it but I told him that knowing this now, staying with him would hurt me. We hung up and then I started crying, realizing that maybe he had had been influenced in coming to this realization that I certainly wasn't the one because of the three weeks of crappy relationship we had had, and I also finally understood that the only thing that mattered was that I was crazy in love with him and wanted to live something beautiful and meaningful with him, to live in the moment.
I called him back to tell him this but he said it was too late to give me a second chance, and after pleading him he said he was going to take some time to think it over and give me a decision. So he took a week to think and when I saw him, I was ready to work on so many aspects of the relationship, ready to make all the efforts myself and I told him once again that all that mattered to me now was the love I had for him. After my speech, he just told me that things were over for him, that he had spent a week not having to worry about me, a week where he spent time doing things for himself and being carefree and that basically, he was better off without me. Also, that he didn't love me anymore.
I felt so hurt, and also guilty, like I a had ruined the most beautiful thing I had ever lived and like if he could only see what was inside of me, if he could give us and love a chance, we would surely get back to what we had because I had let go of all my insecurities once I had understood that love was stronger than everything.
It was terrible, it's been a month and a half and I still miss him, I feel like even though it's probably not going to last forever, we still have something amazing to live. But I understand that anything else is better than the girl I was for three weeks, than the last impression I left him with. any girl, even the thought of being alone, is better than the annoying girl I had become after that conversation… So I can understand why he wouldn't want to be with me, but I wish I could show him how much I have changed and grown from this, and how this almost logically means we could fall in love again and have what we had. I'm almost sure that although he does not want to come back, he's made that pretty clear, he's going to realize after a while that we truly had something and realize that I had to learn from my mistakes to get back into something a little more down-to-earth and realistic.
I feel like shit, I miss him, and it's like I'm waiting for him… I don't know what to do, please help?
