Blaming myself for the breakup and it really hurts to be refused a second chance :(

[Leeloulove]

I need your opinion on this story. I started dating a guy in the beginning of December and at first the relationship was amazing. I was coming out of a very tough relationship where I was in love with someone who wasn’t, and who treated me like a piece of disposable shit towards the end, and I was not expecting to fall in love with someone else so soon but he came and took my heart by surprise. Everything became so great, so fast. I remember he and I telling each other that every single time we were together we felt on top of the world. I mean, everything, from the talking, the laughing, the looking in each other’s eyes, the doing things together or just staying in bed all day, the sex,… litterally every . single . thing . was truly amazing !
It was insanely great and we started saying ‘I love you’ three weeks in the relationship. A month into the relationship, we had a pretty set routine : saw each other almost every day, he slept over at least two or three times a week, on days we didn’t hang out we would call each other sometimes an hour to talk over the phone, we would text each other sweet things at least 4 or 5 times a day,… Everything was so great that we both felt like what we were living was unique, like our love was a super-strength and one day, he told me 'I will always love you, I've never said this to anyone before but I will love you forever.' I remember telling my best friend the next day that I now knew for sure who I would spend my life with. I was so happy, and we started telling each other our love would last forever often. We sometimes spoke of getting married, not in a concrete/'let's set a date' kind of way but because of religious purposes (he's jewish and I'm not), and he seemed open to idea of one day tying the knot. One day, we even told each other we were 'The One' for one another. It was such a damn fairy tale.
And then one day, we had a very serious conversation where I ended up telling him about how in a couple of years we were going to settle, how he and I were building something very serious and concrete and 'grown-up'. And for a week, he was distant, different. I ended up asking why and he told me that that conversation had scared him, that saying 'I love you' and being there for me had become scary since then because he knew that for me, it meant that he was in this relationship for life. And he said he couldn't promise me that. I said I understood, that it was logical that things could end all of a sudden and that I knew this, and he said that he was glad we had this conversation and that things could now go back to normal. But they didn't, they never did. I started wondering why his views had changed suddenly, why he never said 'I will always love you' anymore, why he had gone from being sure I was the one to not being sure, and I started fearing I would lose him all the time. And so everyday I started feeling insecure for the littlest things and seeing my fears in everything, and I would share these daily insecurities with him, and need to be reassured all the time.
It took a toll on him because he would take the time to tell me I was just going crazy and that he still loved me, but then the next day I would get another reason to be afraid. Obviously, the time we spent together was not as magical, as a consequence of the constant arguing. Which was a vicious cycle because I felt that we were becoming less close, growing more distant, and it made my fears become greater and it was just horrible. The spark was gone, there were still some good times but it wasn't as perfect as it used to be, even the sex was becoming spark-less, our conversations too. We just weren't happy together anymore.
And then, after a little more than three weeks of this, after another argument about something he had done that had made me feel insecure, he told me something had broken inside of him, that he wasn't as much into the relationship as before and also said: 'And anyways, I'm too young and I've given it some thought, I know I will be with other girls after you'. I was so shocked, destroyed, and said 'Alright, then it's over'. He tried to fight it but I told him that knowing this now, staying with him would hurt me. We hung up and then I started crying, realizing that maybe he had had been influenced in coming to this realization that I certainly wasn't the one because of the three weeks of crappy relationship we had had, and I also finally understood that the only thing that mattered was that I was crazy in love with him and wanted to live something beautiful and meaningful with him, to live in the moment.
I called him back to tell him this but he said it was too late to give me a second chance, and after pleading him he said he was going to take some time to think it over and give me a decision. So he took a week to think and when I saw him, I was ready to work on so many aspects of the relationship, ready to make all the efforts myself and I told him once again that all that mattered to me now was the love I had for him. After my speech, he just told me that things were over for him, that he had spent a week not having to worry about me, a week where he spent time doing things for himself and being carefree and that basically, he was better off without me. Also, that he didn't love me anymore.
I felt so hurt, and also guilty, like I a had ruined the most beautiful thing I had ever lived and like if he could only see what was inside of me, if he could give us and love a chance, we would surely get back to what we had because I had let go of all my insecurities once I had understood that love was stronger than everything.
It was terrible, it's been a month and a half and I still miss him, I feel like even though it's probably not going to last forever, we still have something amazing to live. But I understand that anything else is better than the girl I was for three weeks, than the last impression I left him with. any girl, even the thought of being alone, is better than the annoying girl I had become after that conversation… So I can understand why he wouldn't want to be with me, but I wish I could show him how much I have changed and grown from this, and how this almost logically means we could fall in love again and have what we had. I'm almost sure that although he does not want to come back, he's made that pretty clear, he's going to realize after a while that we truly had something and realize that I had to learn from my mistakes to get back into something a little more down-to-earth and realistic.
I feel like shit, I miss him, and it's like I'm waiting for him… I don't know what to do, please help?

[eve.ashley]

OK i did not read all of it... i'm sorry but that huge chunk of text is hard to read....nobody can promise you forever...they can just promise to try and that they would want to...

to be perfectly honest, your description of your relationships is 'coked up...'

in poetry my relationship is perfect too...in reality, well, we are two very imperfect people, very much in love, trying to do our best...

if you have put too much forever pressure on him...back of a little...

relationships are built over time, and one day you wake and and you have been together for ten years...

constantly gazing in each others eyes and saying i will love you forever, that's stuff of poetry...

day to day life, when my bf holds me and puts his leg over me when we sleep intertwined...that's all the guarantee i need or should ask for...

oh shoot...i just read the rest of it...i am sorry he broke up and you are hurting...

i will say something that will sound cold, but it's not. unless you go into therapy and learn ways to be with someone without being overbearing, nobody sane will be able to stand the pressure of...

"one amazing moment after another and perfect everything..."

relationships are mess and funny, sometimes dorky and yes crammed up in there there are also moments of pure genius and amazement...but no matter how much you love a person if you have to constantly be their perfect mate and reassure them you will love them forever, you will become stressed out and want out...

do i want to spend forever with my bf? sure!
will i? who the hell know that...

can he be annoying, well, i hope so, otherwise who wants perfect anything...such pressure...

sort out the underlined issue that made you frustrate this man away...that's your priority now...

[Wakeup]

They say it takes about two weeks for every YEAR you've been in a relationship to get over someone. If that's the truth then you should be over this guy by now.

What stood out to me here is that you confuse lust with love. You didn't even know this guy long enough to figure out if your lust could become love. Now, you're going through the oxytocin withdrawl and once that influx of the bonding drug is out of your system, you'll be just fine.

Things that start out on fire, more times then not burn out just as quickly so remember that in the future when you meet someone else. Get to know them outside of the bedroom, observe how they show you in actions how they value you (sex is NOT a show of value, particularly in this day and age where its so easy to come by without commitment) so don't use it as a guide of how much he values you.

As for your insecurity. Frankly, I don't think it had much to do with him ending it. It would take much longer for someone who actually had love for you (not lust) leave you because they would be attempting to make sure that you were not given reason to be insecure and they'd not be able to do that in that short a period of time.

I think he moved on when things started to get real. Time to take him (and that lust you had with him) down off the pedestal you have him and it up on. Lust is awesome but is always wanes and that is when you know you are really loved... when they still want to be with you in that slow and easy and peaceful kinda bond that lasts through the years of thick and thin together.

I hope you are lucky enough to be able to find THAT kind of bond and be able to distinguish lust and infatuation with love.

[pcmaster]

They say it takes about two weeks for every YEAR you've been in a relationship to get over someone. If that's the truth then you should be over this guy by now.

For me it took more like year for every week in 4 month relationship. Think is its about how you deal with the breakup. I was doing everything that you dont have to do. But if you dont stop your life, have good circle of friends, keep busy at work and engage in hobbies, dont look at pictures, keep your mind off the person then it might take 1 week for every year. Also depends on age of course.

[Wakeup]

If it's taking someone that long then I'd recommend grief counselling to help navigate the stages. I don't think age has anything to do with it really. Whether you're 13 or 80, love and having gotten used to a person being in your life that is no longer there feels the same.

Its how quickly you accept that its over that is what helps us to heal more quickly.

[pcmaster]

Well thing is I recommend counseling too and its a good way to deal with problems. But when it comes to relationships that no longer exists then talking about them does just that - makes you think more about it and of makes problem look bigger than it is. better is to ignore those thoughts all together. If you remember forum member Rowen then think thats exactly what happened to him. he got a therapist after breakup and then talked for weeks with him about his relationship until therapist got bored and no longer really paid attention. If you keep talking about it for so long then it will never go away. Its like winding up memories.

[Wakeup]

I agree that talking about it obsessively keeps it utmost in your mind but it shouldn't be the relationship or that person that would be discussed incessantly but rather ways for you to accept that things come to an end and how to cope with that.

I think that if your therapist isn't helping (after a period of time) or if you're not connecting with your therapist then it's time to get a new one. One that is strong enough to guide you past any obsessive thinking and back to learning the skills it takes to come to terms with an ending.

Cheers.

[pcmaster]

True that. Good professionals are hard to find. Have to be lucky. Its just like finding a good artist - they are so different.

[Leeloulove]

I do feel like it was not lust, because if it was he wouldn't have spent three weeks reassuring me nightly, sometimes hours, because I had become insecure after that talk... He did everything he could, and I would still find a reason to be scared the next day,... I was so tough on him, not purposely but because after he told me he couldn't promise me forever when a week before he was saying the opposite, I had become so afraid to lose him that I couldn't help seeing this fear in the littlest things. He was so patient and caring and fought really hard to prove he loved me, not just by talking but by proving it in action too... And in the end, I was the one to break it off at first. Then I told him I wanted him back because I had realize that all that mattered was to love him in the present and that I was going to change, so he took a week to think and it was during this week that he saw he was better off without me: no more arguing, no more annoying girlfriend, he could think about himself a little and not stress because of me... It does feel like he loved me and I pushed him away, don't you think?

[eve.ashley]

I do feel like it was not lust, because if it was he wouldn't have spent three weeks reassuring me nightly, sometimes hours, because I had become insecure after that talk... He did everything he could, and I would still find a reason to be scared the next day,... I was so tough on him, not purposely but because after he told me he couldn't promise me forever when a week before he was saying the opposite, I had become so afraid to lose him that I couldn't help seeing this fear in the littlest things. He was so patient and caring and fought really hard to prove he loved me, not just by talking but by proving it in action too... And in the end, I was the one to break it off at first. Then I told him I wanted him back because I had realize that all that mattered was to love him in the present and that I was going to change, so he took a week to think and it was during this week that he saw he was better off without me: no more arguing, no more annoying girlfriend, he could think about himself a little and not stress because of me... It does feel like he loved me and I pushed him away, don't you think?

i also think it wasn't lust...you messed up a good thing. this is why it's not wise to start a relationship if we are not minimally adjusted and well...
(if we are going through something traumatizing or just had gone through it)

no matter how much a person likes us, if we cannot approach the relationship with a bare minimum of healthy relationship patterns, we will scare and frustrate a healthy person away....or worse attract someone as dysfunctional as we are..

our psychological health fluctuates, find a good therapist and work on it....

would he accept to be friends, after everything? that be a good way not to lose him, and a place to start from, in eventual future second chances...etc..

but you got to get better...deal with issues that made you ruin stuff the first time...

good luck...

ask him to be friends and do not give up just yet...

[Wakeup]

It was lust. He told you what you wanted to hear with all those platitudes he was slinging at you. You were angst ridden for a reason that your gut was clearly nagging you about. He didn't know you enough nor did you know him enough to call if love.

Believe me... when it is love.... it is not the angst inducing mess it turned you into.

Tell us. Have you acted this way in any other relationship you've been in?

[basilandthyme]

Sorry sweetie, but you haven't changed. To change would be to realise that this whole thing was infatuation. Or limerence (Google it). That it can't possibly be love this early on. However, you're still talking about love and perfection and soulmates.

By all means, enjoy that new relationship high - but don't confuse it with love. And don't take any promises made during this period seriously. Remember that they are on a hormone fuelled high too.

Following from what Wakeup said, love is a much calmer feeling than what you've described. Love is what you find when all that amazing chemistry dies down and you see the relationship clearly and objectively.

[Resessions]

Like others have said..that wasn't love. This will sound pretty cliché but it's time to find something to take your mind off of this guy. Go out with friends, mingle with new people, find things you enjoy doing or bury yourself in work...whatever works for you. Eventually it gets better but you will have to distract yourself from dwelling on this guy. He's living his life and you should too because you only get one. If I were you I would avoid getting into another relationship anytime soon (I've made this mistake) also because you jumped from one relationship to another and reconnecting with yourself would do you great. Lastly, dude definitely was not in it for the long haul or he wouldn't have hauled ass after three weeks of you being insecure. Wth, who actually tells someone they know they will be with someone else after you? That sounds like something a complete asshat would say. Even if I knew I wasn't in love with someone but did want to keep seeing I wouldn't tell them that. Sorry if that's too harsh but that's my advice/thoughts and hopefully it helps.